Guest guest Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 Sorry this will be a repeat that's probably been talked about a million times on this site. I think I'm finally done. I've been LC for quite some time now, but after the last abusive message that was left on my answering machine--which should have been an apology to me, but was just snotty and rude--I think I'm ready to not even do holidays with Nada. I think I need to write her a letter and state that I no longer want to speak with her and that she can mail her Christmas and birthday presents to my kid. Just wondering how to do this. Do I make a formal declaration or just quit answering the phone? Let another family member tell her? Do I need to explain why? I'm sure it wouldn't matter anyway. How did others of you go NC? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 I joined this group because my T recently told me that she thinks my mom has BPD. She's more of a waif, less outright verbal abuse, more of the constant drama and complete lack of support. I was never good enough growing up, but I feel lucky to not have experienced the rage that so many people describe on here. She sucks all of my energy dry so I've gone LC with her. I explained my boundaries very clearly in an email and then told her all of the reasons why I was done (this was done entirely for my benefit because I know she'll " forget " quite soon). I've come up with a phrase I plan on using as soon as she starts in w/ her ways and then I'll disconnect for awhile. We shall see if this works... My dad on the other hand is not diagnosed as having anything. My T never said anything specific because she hasn't seen any emails or anything from him, but after reading so much on this group it's obvious to me that he some sort of personality disorder (mixed w/ dementia and parkinsons). I tried LC and it never worked. He was blatantly abusive, called me names, threatened to hire someone to kill my husband. He's old and sick and won't let anyone take care of him so the guilt was overwhelming. When I finally went NC with him I wrote a letter that I mailed. I honestly have no idea if he ever read it. It was for me. I wanted to kindly explain why it was so necessary for me to stick up for myself and my family. He never in a million years would understand why and I never thought he would, but it was somehow very therapeutic for me to get it on paper. I was able to tell him how much I loved him in spite of everything, but I just couldn't take anymore. For me, in going LC and NC it was important that I had the chance to explain myself. Even though I know they will never understand where I'm coming from and nothing will ever really change it made me feel better. I've done nothing wrong and I wanted them to know that I DO want to have parents in my life...just not parents that make my life a living hell. Good luck, H > > Sorry this will be a repeat that's probably been talked about a million times on this site. > > I think I'm finally done. I've been LC for quite some time now, but after the last abusive message that was left on my answering machine--which should have been an apology to me, but was just snotty and rude--I think I'm ready to not even do holidays with Nada. > > I think I need to write her a letter and state that I no longer want to speak with her and that she can mail her Christmas and birthday presents to my kid. > > Just wondering how to do this. Do I make a formal declaration or just quit answering the phone? Let another family member tell her? Do I need to explain why? I'm sure it wouldn't matter anyway. > > How did others of you go NC? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 Hi Ambertolina, I just went NC this week after severall nasty emails, and the fact that she was kicked out of her apartment. I don't want a Nada showing up at my front door. Without going into details, here is what I did (based on the wonderful suggestions of my counselor). -Told her not to contact me, and that any emails sent would be read by someone other than myself (Doing this to be aware of any threats) -If any threats are made against me, my family, or herself we will immediatly notify law enforcement. -My husband will only tell me the conents if the authorities need to be called, or if she indicates she may come to town. In my experience, we also had to refuse gifts that were sent to my children, because they were often used as leverage. This was before we went NC. " I can't believe you do this after all I've done for your children " type crap. One time, after being released from jail, she showed up at my house with a present for my almost 2 year old son wrapped in A BLOWN UP PICTURE OF HER MUG SHOT! If they only bring negative into your life, what good is it doing you? Best of luck! > > Sorry this will be a repeat that's probably been talked about a million times on this site. > > I think I'm finally done. I've been LC for quite some time now, but after the last abusive message that was left on my answering machine--which should have been an apology to me, but was just snotty and rude--I think I'm ready to not even do holidays with Nada. > > I think I need to write her a letter and state that I no longer want to speak with her and that she can mail her Christmas and birthday presents to my kid. > > Just wondering how to do this. Do I make a formal declaration or just quit answering the phone? Let another family member tell her? Do I need to explain why? I'm sure it wouldn't matter anyway. > > How did others of you go NC? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 I made no declarations. I just stopped speaking to her. It worked fine. I think its a bit easier that way and give them less ammo for later. That said, it doesn't matter how you do it so long as you DO IT, if its best for you then its best for you! HUGS > ** > > > Hi Ambertolina, > > I just went NC this week after severall nasty emails, and the fact that > she was kicked out of her apartment. I don't want a Nada showing up at my > front door. > > Without going into details, here is what I did (based on the wonderful > suggestions of my counselor). > -Told her not to contact me, and that any emails sent would be read by > someone other than myself (Doing this to be aware of any threats) > -If any threats are made against me, my family, or herself we will > immediatly notify law enforcement. > -My husband will only tell me the conents if the authorities need to be > called, or if she indicates she may come to town. > > In my experience, we also had to refuse gifts that were sent to my > children, because they were often used as leverage. This was before we went > NC. > > " I can't believe you do this after all I've done for your children " type > crap. > > One time, after being released from jail, she showed up at my house with a > present for my almost 2 year old son wrapped in A BLOWN UP PICTURE OF HER > MUG SHOT! > > If they only bring negative into your life, what good is it doing you? > > Best of luck! > > > > > > > Sorry this will be a repeat that's probably been talked about a million > times on this site. > > > > I think I'm finally done. I've been LC for quite some time now, but > after the last abusive message that was left on my answering machine--which > should have been an apology to me, but was just snotty and rude--I think > I'm ready to not even do holidays with Nada. > > > > I think I need to write her a letter and state that I no longer want to > speak with her and that she can mail her Christmas and birthday presents to > my kid. > > > > Just wondering how to do this. Do I make a formal declaration or just > quit answering the phone? Let another family member tell her? Do I need to > explain why? I'm sure it wouldn't matter anyway. > > > > How did others of you go NC? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 I wrote a letter, because I wanted something in writing in case I ever had to show it to law enforcement or an attorney. I did not want them twisting around my words, and having a hard copy on file will help with that. I also was done trying to actually talk to them about things, because they either " forget " or expect me to JADE everything (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). So a one-way " do not contact us again " letter did it for me. I used the DEARMAN technique as a guide for communicating my point of view (you can google that). I decided NC with me meant NC with my children, too. If I'm a grown woman and think they're unsafe, there's no way I'm going to continue to subject my children to that. I've had enough of their strings-attached-gifts, and just seeing their name on a package or their handwriting on an envelope is enough to trigger a stress reaction from me. So for me, it was easy to decide they're not going to contact my children if they're not going to contact me. Sveta > > Sorry this will be a repeat that's probably been talked about a million times on this site. > > I think I'm finally done. I've been LC for quite some time now, but after the last abusive message that was left on my answering machine--which should have been an apology to me, but was just snotty and rude--I think I'm ready to not even do holidays with Nada. > > I think I need to write her a letter and state that I no longer want to speak with her and that she can mail her Christmas and birthday presents to my kid. > > Just wondering how to do this. Do I make a formal declaration or just quit answering the phone? Let another family member tell her? Do I need to explain why? I'm sure it wouldn't matter anyway. > > How did others of you go NC? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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