How do you handle accusing voicemail messages?

November 3, 2011

I would love some feedback on how to respond to an accusing voicemail.

I guess I should say first that I call my nada every Friday and never call my

nada back when she leaves a vm like this. I have told her that so that part of

it is nothing new.I never answer the phone when she calls as I don't know which

" mom " will be on the other

end of the line.

I've been reading the SWOE Workbook and it says not to let a snipping or

sarcastic comment pass which is exactly what I do. I just ignore and act like

she never said it.

This is the current situation. I'm sorry, long story to fill in the background.

My Nada is 77 years old and my step father 85 yrs old. My only sibling and 3

steps will have nothing to do with my nada, nor will my husband allow her in our

home. They live two states away from me and moved a few weeks ago. When they

were preparing to move one of my horses was seriously ill requiring medication

2x a day. I am also in classes training our 7 mo old lab to be a therapy dog

which requires working him several times a day. With all this going on there was

no way I could easily or feel comfortable flying down and help them. My nada

said she understood. I even clarified it at the time asking if she really did

and was this going to be something she'd say she was upset about later. Again,

she said she understood.

Though my nada is in very good physical health any stress makes her completely

non-functional and, given how stressful moving is, it's not a surprise that she

ended up in bed drunk all day everyday and not eating. Let alone doing

anypacking. My step-dad tried to get me to come down and help and I refused due

to my situation, so they finally hired someone to come in and help. It was a

good solution as they are quite well off so was within their financial

capabilities.

They've been in their new home 3 weeks now and she still hasn't unpacked her

stuff. My stepfather has done all of his and the rest of the house while she

stays in bed. He called last week saying he can't continue to take care of her

and wanted me to come down and help him place her in an assisted living

facility. She won't go willingly so that is impossible unless he has her

declared incompetent so I suggested he call his attorney which he refuses to do.

We both know that she would pull it together and snow any judge or psychologist.

I told him how I feel about the situation, about my mom's illness as well as how

it has effected me. I suggested that he stop enabling her by bringing her food

in bed, which she never eats anyway.

I could go down as my horse is better, but I am still in classes with my dog

which is important to me and not something I can just hand off to my husband. If

it were an emergency, obviously I would go. On top of that, it angers me that

she is capable physically of doing what is needed. I also understand that

mentally.....she really isn't. She used to be high functioning, but has gotten

steadily worse over the last 2 years. It's almost impossible for me to feel any

compassion for her, which of course I feel guilty about.

2 nights ago she left a couple of vms for me. The first stating that my step dad

told her exactly how I feel about her and that I never want to speak to her

again. She's done everything she can for me and this is what she gets. I called

him and asked him if he had done that. While those were not his words...I

completely understand that's what my nada " heard " . Her 2nd vm was how " other

people's children " would help their elderly parents move and that I had never

even offered. "

I recognize that this is the blame game. She and my step dad have a very

volatile and abusive relationship on both sides. His statements about why I

won't come down leave her feeling abandoned. That she believes if I had just

been there to help they wouldn't be fighting.

So my question after all of that....when I call her tomorrow, do I just not

mention her last voicemails like I normally would or do I try to sympathize with

how she must be feeling and that I'm sorry I couldn't be of help this time. I

honestly do understand her being overwhelmed and unable to do anything as it has

happened to me with my C-PTSD. However it's different in that I got myself into

therapy and have worked hard to learn how to control my symptoms.

I did go down for 10 days earlier this year to care for my step dad after his

cancer surgery simply because we knew she wouldn't and it was essential that

somebody be there. I won't drop everything and fly down there for every need she

has. Yet I feel guilty as hell for not doing this, because I know that even

though she could handle the move physically, mentally she can't. GAH....I HATE

this!

November 3, 2011

,

It is hard to say what you should do when you talk to her on the

phone, but I know what I wouldn't do - offer her any sympathy in

response to the messages she left you. Giving her any positive

feedback in response to messages of that sort will only

encourage her to do it more often. Dealing with a nada can be

much like training a dog. If the dog does something bad, you

don't reward it by giving it positive attention or something it

wants. You could offer her some more general sympathy without

talking about the messages and that doesn't involve any

indication that she has a right to expect you to deal with her

problems - something like " mom, I'm sorry that moving left you

so stressed out " or " I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well,

perhaps you should see a doctor if you can't get out of

bed. " Ignoring the messages when you talk to her is one

reasonable option if she doesn't bring them up. If she's said

those things to you in person, I wouldn't recommend ignoring

them but she didn't say them in person and any response you make

at this point will be starting a closed discussion up again. If

she does bring them up, I recommend making it clear that they

weren't acceptable. If my nada left messages like that for me,

my response would be to not talk to her for a longer than usual

length of time. I long ago reached the point where I stopped

being willing to hear her abuse me or the people I care about.

If she can't talk nicely, then I'll remove myself from having to

listen to her nastyness.

There's nothing wrong with not feeling compassion for someone

who has been abusive to you pretty much your whole life. If you

do feel compassion, that's fine, but there's no cause to feel

guilty if you don't.

At 03:21 PM 11/03/2011 horselover.lauren wrote:

>I would love some feedback on how to respond to an accusing

>voicemail.

>

>I guess I should say first that I call my nada every Friday and

>never call my nada back when she leaves a vm like this. I

>have told her that so that part of it is nothing new.I never

>answer the phone when she calls as I don't know which " mom "

>will be on the other

>end of the line.

>

>I've been reading the SWOE Workbook and it says not to let a

>snipping or sarcastic comment pass which is exactly what I do.

>I just ignore and act like she never said it.

>

>This is the current situation. I'm sorry, long story to fill in

>the background.

>

>My Nada is 77 years old and my step father 85 yrs old. My only

>sibling and 3 steps will have nothing to do with my nada, nor

>will my husband allow her in our home. They live two states

>away from me and moved a few weeks ago. When they were

>preparing to move one of my horses was seriously ill requiring

>medication 2x a day. I am also in classes training our 7 mo old

>lab to be a therapy dog which requires working him several

>times a day. With all this going on there was no way I could

>easily or feel comfortable flying down and help them. My nada

>said she understood. I even clarified it at the time asking if

>she really did and was this going to be something she'd say she

>was upset about later. Again, she said she understood.

>

>Though my nada is in very good physical health any stress makes

>her completely non-functional and, given how stressful moving

>is, it's not a surprise that she ended up in bed drunk all day

>everyday and not eating. Let alone doing anypacking. My

>step-dad tried to get me to come down and help and I refused

>due to my situation, so they finally hired someone to come in

>and help. It was a good solution as they are quite well off so

>was within their financial capabilities.

>

>They've been in their new home 3 weeks now and she still hasn't

>unpacked her stuff. My stepfather has done all of his and the

>rest of the house while she stays in bed. He called last week

>saying he can't continue to take care of her and wanted me to

>come down and help him place her in an assisted living

>facility. She won't go willingly so that is impossible unless

>he has her declared incompetent so I suggested he call his

>attorney which he refuses to do. We both know that she would

>pull it together and snow any judge or psychologist.

>I told him how I feel about the situation, about my mom's

>illness as well as how it has effected me. I suggested that he

>stop enabling her by bringing her food in bed, which she never

>eats anyway.

>

>I could go down as my horse is better, but I am still in

>classes with my dog which is important to me and not something

>I can just hand off to my husband. If it were an emergency,

>obviously I would go. On top of that, it angers me that she is

>capable physically of doing what is needed. I also understand

>that mentally.....she really isn't. She used to be high

>functioning, but has gotten steadily worse over the last 2

>years. It's almost impossible for me to feel any compassion for

>her, which of course I feel guilty about.

>

>2 nights ago she left a couple of vms for me. The first stating

>that my step dad told her exactly how I feel about her and that

>I never want to speak to her again. She's done everything she

>can for me and this is what she gets. I called him and asked

>him if he had done that. While those were not his words...I

>completely understand that's what my nada " heard " . Her 2nd vm

>was how " other people's children " would help their elderly

>parents move and that I had never even offered. "

>

>I recognize that this is the blame game. She and my step dad

>have a very volatile and abusive relationship on both sides.

>His statements about why I won't come down leave her feeling

>abandoned. That she believes if I had just been there to help

>they wouldn't be fighting.

>

>So my question after all of that....when I call her tomorrow,

>do I just not mention her last voicemails like I normally would

>or do I try to sympathize with how she must be feeling and that

>I'm sorry I couldn't be of help this time. I honestly do

>understand her being overwhelmed and unable to do anything as

>it has happened to me with my C-PTSD. However it's different in

>that I got myself into therapy and have worked hard to learn

>how to control my symptoms.

>

>I did go down for 10 days earlier this year to care for my step

>dad after his cancer surgery simply because we knew she

>wouldn't and it was essential that somebody be there. I won't

>drop everything and fly down there for every need she has. Yet

>I feel guilty as hell for not doing this, because I know that

>even though she could handle the move physically, mentally she

>can't. GAH....I HATE this!

>

--

Katrina

November 3, 2011

Excellent advice Katrina. Thank you so much for affirming what I have been

thinking.I manage to communicate with my naa on an LC basis and keep my

boundaries, but internaly, the guilt and anxiety I feel is awful. My trauma T

affirms my actions and reminds me that her problems are not mine to stress

about. I am almost done with my therapy with her and am so happy I joined this

group. It's good to know there are others that deal with the same thing that

understand. Although I wish none of us here had to live with this crap! Thanks

again ;o)

> >I would love some feedback on how to respond to an accusing

> >voicemail.

> >

> >I guess I should say first that I call my nada every Friday and

> >never call my nada back when she leaves a vm like this. I

> >have told her that so that part of it is nothing new.I never

> >answer the phone when she calls as I don't know which " mom "

> >will be on the other

> >end of the line.

> >

> >I've been reading the SWOE Workbook and it says not to let a

> >snipping or sarcastic comment pass which is exactly what I do.

> >I just ignore and act like she never said it.

> >

> >This is the current situation. I'm sorry, long story to fill in

> >the background.

> >

> >My Nada is 77 years old and my step father 85 yrs old. My only

> >sibling and 3 steps will have nothing to do with my nada, nor

> >will my husband allow her in our home. They live two states

> >away from me and moved a few weeks ago. When they were

> >preparing to move one of my horses was seriously ill requiring

> >medication 2x a day. I am also in classes training our 7 mo old

> >lab to be a therapy dog which requires working him several

> >times a day. With all this going on there was no way I could

> >easily or feel comfortable flying down and help them. My nada

> >said she understood. I even clarified it at the time asking if

> >she really did and was this going to be something she'd say she

> >was upset about later. Again, she said she understood.

> >

> >Though my nada is in very good physical health any stress makes

> >her completely non-functional and, given how stressful moving

> >is, it's not a surprise that she ended up in bed drunk all day

> >everyday and not eating. Let alone doing anypacking. My

> >step-dad tried to get me to come down and help and I refused

> >due to my situation, so they finally hired someone to come in

> >and help. It was a good solution as they are quite well off so

> >was within their financial capabilities.

> >

> >They've been in their new home 3 weeks now and she still hasn't

> >unpacked her stuff. My stepfather has done all of his and the

> >rest of the house while she stays in bed. He called last week

> >saying he can't continue to take care of her and wanted me to

> >come down and help him place her in an assisted living

> >facility. She won't go willingly so that is impossible unless

> >he has her declared incompetent so I suggested he call his

> >attorney which he refuses to do. We both know that she would

> >pull it together and snow any judge or psychologist.

> >I told him how I feel about the situation, about my mom's

> >illness as well as how it has effected me. I suggested that he

> >stop enabling her by bringing her food in bed, which she never

> >eats anyway.

> >

> >I could go down as my horse is better, but I am still in

> >classes with my dog which is important to me and not something

> >I can just hand off to my husband. If it were an emergency,

> >obviously I would go. On top of that, it angers me that she is

> >capable physically of doing what is needed. I also understand

> >that mentally.....she really isn't. She used to be high

> >functioning, but has gotten steadily worse over the last 2

> >years. It's almost impossible for me to feel any compassion for

> >her, which of course I feel guilty about.

> >

> >2 nights ago she left a couple of vms for me. The first stating

> >that my step dad told her exactly how I feel about her and that

> >I never want to speak to her again. She's done everything she

> >can for me and this is what she gets. I called him and asked

> >him if he had done that. While those were not his words...I

> >completely understand that's what my nada " heard " . Her 2nd vm

> >was how " other people's children " would help their elderly

> >parents move and that I had never even offered. "

> >

> >I recognize that this is the blame game. She and my step dad

> >have a very volatile and abusive relationship on both sides.

> >His statements about why I won't come down leave her feeling

> >abandoned. That she believes if I had just been there to help

> >they wouldn't be fighting.

> >

> >So my question after all of that....when I call her tomorrow,

> >do I just not mention her last voicemails like I normally would

> >or do I try to sympathize with how she must be feeling and that

> >I'm sorry I couldn't be of help this time. I honestly do

> >understand her being overwhelmed and unable to do anything as

> >it has happened to me with my C-PTSD. However it's different in

> >that I got myself into therapy and have worked hard to learn

> >how to control my symptoms.

> >

> >I did go down for 10 days earlier this year to care for my step

> >dad after his cancer surgery simply because we knew she

> >wouldn't and it was essential that somebody be there. I won't

> >drop everything and fly down there for every need she has. Yet

> >I feel guilty as hell for not doing this, because I know that

> >even though she could handle the move physically, mentally she

> >can't. GAH....I HATE this!

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

November 3, 2011

Don't listen to them, don't reply to them. You have to give someone attention

when you're in the same room as them, but this does not apply when they are

talking to a machine you own.

Plus if you don't listen to them, you don't have to reply to them. That's my

approach - but then I am in a minimal / no contact situation anyway...

Andy

>

> I would love some feedback on how to respond to an accusing voicemail.

>

> I guess I should say first that I call my nada every Friday and never call my

nada back when she leaves a vm like this. I have told her that so that part of

it is nothing new.I never answer the phone when she calls as I don't know which

" mom " will be on the other

> end of the line.

>

> I've been reading the SWOE Workbook and it says not to let a snipping or

sarcastic comment pass which is exactly what I do. I just ignore and act like

she never said it.

>

> This is the current situation. I'm sorry, long story to fill in the

background.

>

> My Nada is 77 years old and my step father 85 yrs old. My only sibling and 3

steps will have nothing to do with my nada, nor will my husband allow her in our

home. They live two states away from me and moved a few weeks ago. When they

were preparing to move one of my horses was seriously ill requiring medication

2x a day. I am also in classes training our 7 mo old lab to be a therapy dog

which requires working him several times a day. With all this going on there was

no way I could easily or feel comfortable flying down and help them. My nada

> said she understood. I even clarified it at the time asking if she really did

and was this going to be something she'd say she was upset about later. Again,

she said she understood.

>

> Though my nada is in very good physical health any stress makes her completely

non-functional and, given how stressful moving is, it's not a surprise that she

ended up in bed drunk all day everyday and not eating. Let alone doing

anypacking. My step-dad tried to get me to come down and help and I refused due

to my situation, so they finally hired someone to come in and help. It was a

good solution as they are quite well off so was within their financial

capabilities.

>

> They've been in their new home 3 weeks now and she still hasn't unpacked her

stuff. My stepfather has done all of his and the rest of the house while she

stays in bed. He called last week saying he can't continue to take care of her

and wanted me to come down and help him place her in an assisted living

facility. She won't go willingly so that is impossible unless he has her

declared incompetent so I suggested he call his attorney which he refuses to do.

We both know that she would pull it together and snow any judge or psychologist.

> I told him how I feel about the situation, about my mom's illness as well as

how it has effected me. I suggested that he stop enabling her by bringing her

food in bed, which she never eats anyway.

>

> I could go down as my horse is better, but I am still in classes with my dog

which is important to me and not something I can just hand off to my husband. If

it were an emergency, obviously I would go. On top of that, it angers me that

she is capable physically of doing what is needed. I also understand that

mentally.....she really isn't. She used to be high functioning, but has gotten

steadily worse over the last 2 years. It's almost impossible for me to feel any

compassion for her, which of course I feel guilty about.

>

> 2 nights ago she left a couple of vms for me. The first stating that my step

dad told her exactly how I feel about her and that I never want to speak to her

again. She's done everything she can for me and this is what she gets. I called

him and asked him if he had done that. While those were not his words...I

completely understand that's what my nada " heard " . Her 2nd vm was how " other

people's children " would help their elderly parents move and that I had never

even offered. "

>

> I recognize that this is the blame game. She and my step dad have a very

volatile and abusive relationship on both sides. His statements about why I

won't come down leave her feeling abandoned. That she believes if I had just

been there to help they wouldn't be fighting.

>

> So my question after all of that....when I call her tomorrow, do I just not

mention her last voicemails like I normally would or do I try to sympathize with

how she must be feeling and that I'm sorry I couldn't be of help this time. I

honestly do understand her being overwhelmed and unable to do anything as it has

happened to me with my C-PTSD. However it's different in that I got myself into

therapy and have worked hard to learn how to control my symptoms.

>

> I did go down for 10 days earlier this year to care for my step dad after his

cancer surgery simply because we knew she wouldn't and it was essential that

somebody be there. I won't drop everything and fly down there for every need she

has. Yet I feel guilty as hell for not doing this, because I know that even

though she could handle the move physically, mentally she can't. GAH....I HATE

this!

>

November 3, 2011

Thanks for your reply Andy. Sure wish I didn't listen to them, but I did. You

are right I don't have to reply and can act as if I never heard them. With some

luck, alright LOTS of luck, next time I talk to her she won't even bring the

crap up. GRRRRRR!

> >

> > I would love some feedback on how to respond to an accusing voicemail.

> >

> > I guess I should say first that I call my nada every Friday and never call

my nada back when she leaves a vm like this. I have told her that so that part

of it is nothing new.I never answer the phone when she calls as I don't know

which " mom " will be on the other

> > end of the line.

> >

> > I've been reading the SWOE Workbook and it says not to let a snipping or

sarcastic comment pass which is exactly what I do. I just ignore and act like

she never said it.

> >

> > This is the current situation. I'm sorry, long story to fill in the

background.

> >

> > My Nada is 77 years old and my step father 85 yrs old. My only sibling and 3

steps will have nothing to do with my nada, nor will my husband allow her in our

home. They live two states away from me and moved a few weeks ago. When they

were preparing to move one of my horses was seriously ill requiring medication

2x a day. I am also in classes training our 7 mo old lab to be a therapy dog

which requires working him several times a day. With all this going on there was

no way I could easily or feel comfortable flying down and help them. My nada

> > said she understood. I even clarified it at the time asking if she really

did and was this going to be something she'd say she was upset about later.

Again, she said she understood.

> >

> > Though my nada is in very good physical health any stress makes her

completely non-functional and, given how stressful moving is, it's not a

surprise that she ended up in bed drunk all day everyday and not eating. Let

alone doing anypacking. My step-dad tried to get me to come down and help and I

refused due to my situation, so they finally hired someone to come in and help.

It was a good solution as they are quite well off so was within their financial

capabilities.

> >

> > They've been in their new home 3 weeks now and she still hasn't unpacked her

stuff. My stepfather has done all of his and the rest of the house while she

stays in bed. He called last week saying he can't continue to take care of her

and wanted me to come down and help him place her in an assisted living

facility. She won't go willingly so that is impossible unless he has her

declared incompetent so I suggested he call his attorney which he refuses to do.

We both know that she would pull it together and snow any judge or psychologist.

> > I told him how I feel about the situation, about my mom's illness as well as

how it has effected me. I suggested that he stop enabling her by bringing her

food in bed, which she never eats anyway.

> >

> > I could go down as my horse is better, but I am still in classes with my dog

which is important to me and not something I can just hand off to my husband. If

it were an emergency, obviously I would go. On top of that, it angers me that

she is capable physically of doing what is needed. I also understand that

mentally.....she really isn't. She used to be high functioning, but has gotten

steadily worse over the last 2 years. It's almost impossible for me to feel any

compassion for her, which of course I feel guilty about.

> >

> > 2 nights ago she left a couple of vms for me. The first stating that my step

dad told her exactly how I feel about her and that I never want to speak to her

again. She's done everything she can for me and this is what she gets. I called

him and asked him if he had done that. While those were not his words...I

completely understand that's what my nada " heard " . Her 2nd vm was how " other

people's children " would help their elderly parents move and that I had never

even offered. "

> >

> > I recognize that this is the blame game. She and my step dad have a very

volatile and abusive relationship on both sides. His statements about why I

won't come down leave her feeling abandoned. That she believes if I had just

been there to help they wouldn't be fighting.

> >

> > So my question after all of that....when I call her tomorrow, do I just not

mention her last voicemails like I normally would or do I try to sympathize with

how she must be feeling and that I'm sorry I couldn't be of help this time. I

honestly do understand her being overwhelmed and unable to do anything as it has

happened to me with my C-PTSD. However it's different in that I got myself into

therapy and have worked hard to learn how to control my symptoms.

> >

> > I did go down for 10 days earlier this year to care for my step dad after

his cancer surgery simply because we knew she wouldn't and it was essential that

somebody be there. I won't drop everything and fly down there for every need she

has. Yet I feel guilty as hell for not doing this, because I know that even

though she could handle the move physically, mentally she can't. GAH....I HATE

this!

> >

>

November 4, 2011

Not sure if this is the " right " way, but this is my plan going forward. I wrote

my nada an email detailing the boundaries that I have. Since I've tried to

explain this many times before w/o any success I told her that under no

circumstances will I ever write an email like that or have a similar

conversation, because it's so emotionally draining. If in the future I don't

answer the phone, respond to an email, hang up on her, etc I told her that she

should pull the email up and reread it. Very small chance that my feelings

about this will change and I've had enough experience w/ her to know that

whatever happens in the future will somehow violate one of the boundaries that

I've already explained to her in detail. It's not a conversation I'm engaging

in anymore. I do it out of guilt and I fall into the trap of thinking I can

rescue her..that maybe I can " talk some sense " into her. Somehow by explaining

it so thoroughly and explaining that I won't do it again and that she should

save the emails I think I'll feel better about not responding. They make it so

damn hard not to respond to them!!

I'll let you all know if this method works:-)