how long to start feeling normal?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt like you were different from other

people and that you didn't fit in because of your experiences growing up? My

nada is a waif/hermit blend who could never hold a job, answer the phone, go to

the door, talk to people in public. I was a shy child and instead of being

encouraged to come out of my shell, I was overprotected and nada seemed to like

the fact that we had that in common. Commiserated with me about that people

didn't like her, never had, never wanted her around, so she knew how I felt. As

I have gotten older I have seen past that and come out of my shyness more, but

in certain social situations I freeze up and all those old feelings come back.

My younger son was very shy and I tried to do anything I could to keep him from

being like me. I know we can't change our basic natures and I am not trying to

blame all my shortcomings on nada, but I wonder now if being sucked into her

skewed reality played a part. Of course, as an adult now it is my

responsibility to change myself. But, how do I do that? Can any of you relate

to what I am talking about? The feeling of not being as lighthearted and

uninhibited as most children, because you knew most children didn't have the

kind of family you had. And therefore not really learning how to be confident

in yourself. It's funny, in some situations I am fine, my job, standing up for

my kids. I have tried to push myself into doing things I was not comfortable

with. But still, all those old self doubts creep in. I will never forget the

first time I got up in front of a crowd at church and sang and played the

guitar. Nada was embarrassed and left the room. I decided I was going to force

her to acknowledge it by asking what she thought directly. She said, in front

of others, " I don't know where you came from, I would never do that. " And not

as if what I had done was something to be proud of. Even though my brain tells

me that I need to let go of looking for her approval, in reality it is still

hard to do that. I am afraid I am rambling a bit here, and hopefully I have not

strayed too far from my original question. Thank you for any insight or advice

you can give me.

Amy

[Guest guest]

From the list of abbreviations on this site:

Fleas: Unhealthy behavioral reactions learned while living with a BP.

FLEAS are the programmed attitudes, ways of thinking and reactions we learned

from the Borderline in our life. As we learn more about ourselves we can more

easily identify the FLEAS and change them.

> > >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > > I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt like you were different from

other people and that you didn't fit in because of your experiences growing up?

My nada is a waif/hermit blend who could never hold a job, answer the phone, go

to the door, talk to people in public. I was a shy child and instead of being

encouraged to come out of my shell, I was overprotected and nada seemed to like

the fact that we had that in common. Commiserated with me about that people

didn't like her, never had, never wanted her around, so she knew how I felt. As

I have gotten older I have seen past that and come out of my shyness more, but

in certain social situations I freeze up and all those old feelings come back.

My younger son was very shy and I tried to do anything I could to keep him from

being like me. I know we can't change our basic natures and I am not trying to

blame all my shortcomings on nada, but I wonder now if being sucked into her

skewed reality played a part. Of course, as an adult now it is my

responsibility to change myself. But, how do I do that? Can any of you relate

to what I am talking about? The feeling of not being as lighthearted and

uninhibited as most children, because you knew most children didn't have the

kind of family you had. And therefore not really learning how to be confident

in yourself. It's funny, in some situations I am fine, my job, standing up for

my kids. I have tried to push myself into doing things I was not comfortable

with. But still, all those old self doubts creep in. I will never forget the

first time I got up in front of a crowd at church and sang and played the

guitar. Nada was embarrassed and left the room. I decided I was going to force

her to acknowledge it by asking what she thought directly. She said, in front

of others, " I don't know where you came from, I would never do that. " And not

as if what I had done was something to be proud of. Even though my brain tells

me that I need to let go of looking for her approval, in reality it is still

hard to do that. I am afraid I am rambling a bit here, and hopefully I have not

strayed too far from my original question. Thank you for any insight or advice

you can give me.

> > > Amy

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

YOU AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD

I got the chills reading your words TTH...that was my mom's and my song

too...and everything you just explained was my childhood too. OMG, I'm having a

meltdown right now.

I always wanted my mom in my life...really in it...no rebellion...never like the

other kids...always putting my personality last and hers first.

Freaking me out.

Amy (the other Amy!!)

barrycove@...

[Guest guest]

Hi Amy (The other Amy) :-)

Even though it's painful, I do appreciate you sharing. Something that I am just

now figuring out is that my Nada is not normal(not me just feeling confused and

feeling guilty for my feelings) and either was my childhood and that I am not

alone in what I experienced. I thought the other girls at my gym (gymnastics)

must be better kids that their Moms were there loving them.

Really... " You and me against the World " wow....that gives me chills too. At

the time, I thought I was special. But she was so mean to my Dad and my Dad

could do nothing right. I'm sure she used this as a tool to get back at my Dad.

Because she was always the victim.

I have wanted my mom in my life too....even this year with all that I invited my

parents to. (We live out of town so they stay with us) They like staying with

me because I wait on them hand and foot. I cater to her. Why wouldn't she want

to come and visit. But that's not healthy. We have 4 kids. I have my family to

think of and I still put her first when she visits. It's all so very wrong.

She should be helping me when she comes.

45 years of catering to her every need, emotion, etc....that's what she expects.

We have moved 600 miles away. They are not coming for Thanksgiving or

Christmas. What a huge blessing for us. I have not spoken to her in 12 days.

I'm trying hard not to have as much contact with her. I know she will be very

upset when we do not drive to see them after Christmas. My husband has put his

foot down. We, for once, are going to have a stress free holiday season.

Last year they cam for Christmas. I asked her to bring rolls and she blew up at

me saying she was just too tired to stop by the store. This year my sister is

having them. She told me the last time we spoke that she is making the Turkey,

the stuffing and the sweet potatoes to help my " poor sister " out and taking it

to them. I know it sounds trivial but it was her way to hurt me. I'll do

" this " for your sister but not for you. Even though my sister was the " no-good "

child. Oh this is getting complicated! I'm sorry!

I know this message is getting jumbled. Maybe someone can understand it. I'm

still making sense out of my past.

So I think it will be a long time before I " feel " normal. I'm working on it.

Also...I just read an article on Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I believe my

Nada fits this to a tee. (She was not the physically abusive type and not the

center of attention....just wanting to be the center of my world!)

Thanks for sharing, Amy....thanks for all who read and can make sense out of

this.

TTH

>

> YOU AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD

> I got the chills reading your words TTH...that was my mom's and my song

too...and everything you just explained was my childhood too. OMG, I'm having a

meltdown right now.

> I always wanted my mom in my life...really in it...no rebellion...never like

the other kids...always putting my personality last and hers first.

> Freaking me out.

>

>

> Amy (the other Amy!!)

>

>

> barrycove@...

>

>

>

>