A Whole New World

[Guest guest]

This is all so new. My entire childhood seems like a foggy nightmare most of

the time. My mom presented a false front to the outside world, even to the rest

of our family. We were supposed to be perfect little girls, but it never seem to

fail that one of us seemed to do something that required violet verbal and

physical outbursts when we were at home. We spent our days at school trying to

fit in and be " normal " and our time at home trying not to make her angry for any

reason. I learned at a young age to eat my emotions because I was told it wasn't

ok to cry or be afraid when her rages led to the physical pain. Physical anger

was always the answer we received but only after a verbal out pouring of abuse

about how stupid we were and how we were bad kids. I thought that all kids were

the same way. I only remember getting hugs from my mom in public when she was

trying to impress someone, the same with being told that I was loved. I never

actually felt loved by my mom. We never really said anything to our dad about

the hitting or the verbal abuse. I guess we assumed that he knew since she

verbally abused him with emotions. My dad has been gone for many years, and she

is still the same. Just recently she has started to seek help, but I'm afraid

that my sisters and I are so damaged from the physical abuse as children and the

still ongoing abuse as adults. I've only recently started to open up to others

about everything. I have family members who are shocked that they didn't know,

and friends who tell me that they now understand why I was painfully shy as a

kid.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, Nikole.

My mother (I call her " nada " here, for " not a mom " aka mom with bpd) was much as

you describe. She was able to appear to be the perfect mother in public or any

time she was around other adults like our extended family or neighbors, and she

was able to save up her acting out, raging, blaming, punitive, screaming,

violent, abusive behaviors for when we were in the privacy of our home or car.

You've found a bunch of other KOs, or adult Kids Of bpd parents, who can relate

to your own experiences growing up.

It does take a while to accept that what we experienced was abnormal and abusive

treatment that no child should have to endure, but it was our " normal " . Such

behavior is very destructive and damaging to a child; we should have been

rescued from a parent who chronically inflicted emotional, physical or sexual

abuse on us. Now, as adults, we are in the position of having to in effect

re-parent ourselves, and find other, mentally healthy sources of the nurturing,

validation, closeness, trust, and loving, empathetic mentoring we weren't given

as children.

Somehow it helps to find out that its not just you, that others have experienced

very similar kinds of abnormal, abusive parenting; it helps us take their

behavior less personally, somehow.

I suggest that knowledge is power, and the more you can read and educate

yourself about personality disorders, that can help in your healing journey. I

recommend " Understanding the Borderline Mother " , but it is a difficult read as

it carries a powerful emotional impact. More than a few KOs here have reported

that they cry when they read it and can only manage a page or two at a time

before they have to stop from being emotionally overwhelmed. That's how it

affected me, as well.

So, welcome. I hope you will find some comfort in having a place to share your

healing journey with others who have much in common with you.

-Annie

>

> This is all so new. My entire childhood seems like a foggy nightmare most of

the time. My mom presented a false front to the outside world, even to the rest

of our family. We were supposed to be perfect little girls, but it never seem to

fail that one of us seemed to do something that required violet verbal and

physical outbursts when we were at home. We spent our days at school trying to

fit in and be " normal " and our time at home trying not to make her angry for any

reason. I learned at a young age to eat my emotions because I was told it wasn't

ok to cry or be afraid when her rages led to the physical pain. Physical anger

was always the answer we received but only after a verbal out pouring of abuse

about how stupid we were and how we were bad kids. I thought that all kids were

the same way. I only remember getting hugs from my mom in public when she was

trying to impress someone, the same with being told that I was loved. I never

actually felt loved by my mom. We never really said anything to our dad about

the hitting or the verbal abuse. I guess we assumed that he knew since she

verbally abused him with emotions. My dad has been gone for many years, and she

is still the same. Just recently she has started to seek help, but I'm afraid

that my sisters and I are so damaged from the physical abuse as children and the

still ongoing abuse as adults. I've only recently started to open up to others

about everything. I have family members who are shocked that they didn't know,

and friends who tell me that they now understand why I was painfully shy as a

kid.

>