My first Post--My Nada, The Queen

November 5, 2011

I've been reading for a few months and learning and appreciating I'm not alone

in my situation.

I thought I was okay. For 9 months I thought the wounds had healed (Christmas

2010 was terrible but in Jan. I made a decision to " get over it! " to heal and

step off the crazy rollercoaster I'm on with Nada) but what I actually was doing

was catering to my Nada. That comes rather easy since from birth, I have been

the pleaser. The do-good daughter. She is at her best when I give her constant

attention, compliments, encouragement...tell her things like, " I couldn't have

done it without you " statements. 2011 has been very busy. Our oldest son

enlisted in the Army Reserves, he graduated High School, threw a big going away

party for a cousin, We moved to a new state, we vacationed to Florida with my

Naada and father (crazy...I know!)...our youngest needed surgery in Sept. Her

health situation came on all of a sudden and an OR opened up at the hopsital. I

had to travel 700 miles to her team of Dr.'s and went with my parents who were

visiting us. My Nada told my husband not to worry about us that she would go to

the surgery with me and that there was a car for me to drive while visiting...so

this is where is all unravels....again!

The OR nurse called while on our drive to my home city (the place where our

daughter was having her surgery). I was in the back seat of my parents car. She

explained pre-op and reminded me that our daughter was very sick (vomiting)

after her surgery in 2010 so to have someone with me to sit in the back seat

with her and one to drive the car. I got a call from a friend as well...she told

me she would meet me at the hopsital to help--pray with me, bring me coffee,

lunch, to support. After I ended the two phone calls my Nada says to me that she

didn't think she could go with me to the surgery. She gave the excuse that if 4

year old daughter was throwing up, she could not console her that she would need

me. My Nada also said she would not be able to drive on the highway so she was

not a good choice for going since she could not help sick daughter or drive the

car. At the time my parents were in a fight and she was not speaking to Dad. She

wanted my Dad to step up and offer to take us (she does this by getting snippy.

She loves the silent treatment too). My Dad later apologized for a game he was

playing and said he could not go either. He wanted her to step up for once. Nada

does not like to give. With this woman....there is no such thing as

unconditional love or giving. I sat in the back seat feeling abandoned by my

parents. Neither of them wanting to go with me to my daughter's surgery. My Nada

does not care for my friend (who called). It took awhile to figure out why. My

friend is a giver and she especially gives to me. She loves, sometimes likes to

hover. Through BPD I realized it was jelousy on my Nada's part. My Nada does not

like to share me with anyone. True. Strange. Crazy. I have been her complete

source of what she needs emotionally. Crazy huh? So perhaps she did not want to

go to surgery because friend would be there showing me complete support? or, she

didn't want to see me giving my all to my daughter, or ?????

The morning of surgery I was up early giving daughter last meal, bath and love.

My Father says he will take us and aplogized for playing a game. He knew it was

wrong. I was thankful, he identified it. Then says he will feel like a 3rd wheel

with my friend. Then tells me he can read a book or go sight seeing. A red flag

goes up with me (I'm usally in a FOG....too much history). I realize I don't

need this! I can handle most things on my own. I told him I would take her

myself, that I would need the car and I would call if there was an emergency. I

could tell he felt bad but he understood. I told him I could not worry about his

feelings of being the third wheel. This was about daughter. When Nada got wind

of this all hell broke loose. She was so angry. Telling me that I was not going

by myself and that it was daughter's best interest that she had...indicating I

was the bad mother and acting childish. She forbid me to have the car. I, for

once shared my feelings. Then she accused me of emotional blackmail. Which I

find interesting since that is her gift. It wasn't pretty. She then told me

that she was going to hospital to support Father....can anyone explain that

statement? The Nada that was giving the silent treatment to him the day before.?

I would be in the backseat with daughter. I put my foot down and told her I

would call a cab. Dad was feeling paralyzed. I told her Dad could take me but

that she would not be allowed to go. Too toxic. She was fuming. I never stand up

to Nada. She didn't know what to do. So she remained behind. Dad apologized. We

left for hospital.

Daughter did well. Friend was so helpful and Dad stayed. He complimented friend,

acknowledged that she was very sweet and helpful. (I'm sure Nada talks behind

her back to Dad)

Mom, she did not call to check on daughter and would not answer phone. She

instead got very drunk and blamed her drinking on me. She had a hang over the

next day and would not come out of room. She was so very angry with me and told

Dad that I needed to apologize or that was it. What? No relationship? I don't

know, still? Dad told me to take his car and leave with daughter so I would not

be stuck at the house. My train (17 hours home) left that evening. Daughter, a

day post-op, and I'm driving around town wasting time. I went back to house and

Mom was drinking again. They both took us to train station. I acted like nothing

was wrong...just had to get out of there. She brought her drink in a coffee

tumbler in the car drinking from a straw. What do I make of that?

We talk, once a week. She acts like everyting is fine. Me, I don't know how to

act? I'm trying to set boundaries. I'm a beginner at this (trying to make a

change). FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is my enemy.

This same scenerio happened when my husband was in Iraq for a year. My attention

was on our 3 kiddos and my Nada was at her worst. I, for many years put her

feelings before my own family's needs. That is terrible, I know. Those are two

examples of many.

Thank you for reading. I'm sorry it was so long. I need to make changes. I look

forward to being an active member of this group.

Sincerely,

Trying To Heal

November 6, 2011

Welcome to the Group TTH,

You've been through the wringer with your nada. I hope your little 4 year old

is better now. My impression is that your nada wants you to be her mother; she

has reversed roles with you and sees you as her caretaker and cheerleader

instead of the normal way 'round. That's not an uncommon behavior for those

with bpd, it would seem.

It really does take a long time, sometimes, for us to wrap our minds around the

reality that (a) No, we are not our mother's mommy ,( Its not our job to make

nada feel happy and secure all the time, © its OK to say " No " sometimes, and

its OK protect ourselves and our family from someone who is being abusive or

manipulative, (d) You did not make your mother the way she is, and you can't

cure her; you don't have that power. The only power you do have is to decide

how you will react to her behaviors, and (e) It is your right to put your own

needs and your family's needs first. If your mother was mentally healthy, she

would insist that you put your needs, your husband's needs and your children's

needs ahead of hers.

So, again, welcome. You've found a bunch of fellow KOs who " get it. "

-Annie

>

> I've been reading for a few months and learning and appreciating I'm not alone

in my situation.

>

> I thought I was okay. For 9 months I thought the wounds had healed (Christmas