Re: Nada threatens legal action to get to see grandchildren

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

i love writermanque's idea. I would document everything. I would involve

the police if she does show - to get the case number for the restraining

order. I would start out by talking to someone at legal aid, or another

inexpensive law firm. I would name drop to let her know I had an attorney.

That might be enough to stop her - it worked with my exhusband and my

psycho sister in law. If it is not enough, you can take it up a notch and

get a better attorney when you have to. Also, learn everything you can

about restraining orders in your state and grandparents rights. I would do

that just because it would make me feel better to take action.

You can do this. We are here for you. And I'm sorry.

> **

>

>

> Okay, that sucks. It appears, however, that you do maintain some degree of

> contact, so I'd be tempted to respond with " a restraining order is a

> drastic step and would be inadvisable but for the fact that you are

> threatening to show up uninvited. " I would then go on to say that you will

> not be home or will not be opening the door when she arrives. She cannot

> force herself on you or your family.

>

>

>

> >

> > I am NC (except text messages and email) with Nada. I have only seen her

> once in the last few years, at a disastrous family therapy session. My

> children have only seen her once since 2006, when I had to throw her out of

> my house, due to her behaving badly and making my children scream in fear.

> >

> > Nada is 70 and in quite good shape. The therapists that my sibs and I

> have seen, particularly the ones who have also seen nada, advise that she

> is unlikely to change or learn anything at this late stage.

> >

> > She has written to me, out of the blue, to tell me that she will be

> coming to visit in two weeks time. She says she has been seeing the people

> from grandparents.com in an attempt to " learn how others cope " without

> access to their grandchildren. She states that " legal action is a drastic

> step and would be inadvisable " , thereby letting me know that she knows it's

> a possibility. In other words, either I accept her visit or she'll make me

> sorry.

> >

> > She says she " trusts that we will all relax and enjoy the visit " . No

> doubt this is what the people at grandparents.com have coached her to

> say. Gee, I wish she would stop looking to other people to try to fix the

> gaping holes in her life. How could they possibly know the true

> circumstances of my refusal to see her. How she could imagine that there

> could possibly be any relaxation or enjoyment in such a visit, after all

> the dreadful unpleasantness, even violence, that has gone on between nada

> and all of her children, not just me... well I guess that's the personality

> disorder talking. Her capacity for denial is profound, as is the problem of

> her inability to remember a single negative aspect of her behaviour,

> whether out of stubbornness or lack of neural wiring or both.

> >

> > If I say no to her, she will go bananas. I don't think anyone has ever

> successfully said no to her. Fada has used his iron fist to back her up

> 100%, throughout their married life. He figured that, if nada was crying,

> it must be the fault of one of her children. He hit harder and faster and

> became more and more angry, in an attempt to keep us in line and to win

> some respite for himself from nada's waifish and accusatory behaviour. I

> have always been intimidated into saying nothing.

> >

> > If I say nothing on this occasion and simply open the door when she

> turns up (thereby giving up my hard-won freedom), I may end up in the psych

> ward myself. Not to mention the stress and anxiety that will be caused to

> my husband and children or the potential opening up of the way for more

> demands for visits.

> >

> > I have enough stress in my day without this new threat. My children, who

> are now 10 and 11, apparently live perfectly happily without her in their

> lives, they never mention her name. I asked them if they would like to see

> her and they replied " No " and " I don't know. " They did mention that they

> hardly remember what she looks like. I don't want to see her, it will only

> end in tears.

> >

> > What should I do? Get an intervention order against her? Tell her to go

> ahead and call her lawyer and that I'll be enlisting the support in court

> of the mental health professionals who agree with me on a BPD diagnosis?

> (She would hate that, being so very narcissistic.) Leave the country? I

> can't write to her and appeal to her emotions that her visit will cause

> stress, anxiety, anger, bitterness and resentment. She doesn't care. She

> just wants whatever she wants, which at this point is a another attempt at

> propping her cardboard cutout family into the positions that she thinks

> they should be in. If she doesn't get what she wants, she escalates. We

> know from bitter experience.

> >

> > *Sigh* I just want her to go away and leave us alone. I thought I was

> finally getting on with my little life.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to all for your kindness, I really appreciate it. I had tears in my eyes

when I read what you had all written last night. I think you are right about

her not having much of a case when her " relationship " with my children could, at

best, be considered very weak. I wonder whether the lawyers would take into

account the second-hand, charity shop " gifts " she has sent them for Christmas

and birthdays.

Coincidentally, I find we will be out of town for a competition on the day that

nada says she will be coming, so I don't need to lie about that. Now I just

need to write the letter.

>

> I am NC (except text messages and email) with Nada. I have only seen her once

in the last few years, at a disastrous family therapy session. My children have

only seen her once since 2006, when I had to throw her out of my house, due to

her behaving badly and making my children scream in fear.

>

> Nada is 70 and in quite good shape. The therapists that my sibs and I have

seen, particularly the ones who have also seen nada, advise that she is unlikely

to change or learn anything at this late stage.

>

> She has written to me, out of the blue, to tell me that she will be coming to

visit in two weeks time. She says she has been seeing the people from

grandparents.com in an attempt to " learn how others cope " without access to

their grandchildren. She states that " legal action is a drastic step and would

be inadvisable " , thereby letting me know that she knows it's a possibility. In

other words, either I accept her visit or she'll make me sorry.

>

> She says she " trusts that we will all relax and enjoy the visit " . No doubt

this is what the people at grandparents.com have coached her to say. Gee, I

wish she would stop looking to other people to try to fix the gaping holes in

her life. How could they possibly know the true circumstances of my refusal to

see her. How she could imagine that there could possibly be any relaxation or

enjoyment in such a visit, after all the dreadful unpleasantness, even violence,

that has gone on between nada and all of her children, not just me... well I

guess that's the personality disorder talking. Her capacity for denial is

profound, as is the problem of her inability to remember a single negative

aspect of her behaviour, whether out of stubbornness or lack of neural wiring or

both.

>

> If I say no to her, she will go bananas. I don't think anyone has ever

successfully said no to her. Fada has used his iron fist to back her up 100%,

throughout their married life. He figured that, if nada was crying, it must be

the fault of one of her children. He hit harder and faster and became more and

more angry, in an attempt to keep us in line and to win some respite for himself

from nada's waifish and accusatory behaviour. I have always been intimidated

into saying nothing.

>

> If I say nothing on this occasion and simply open the door when she turns up

(thereby giving up my hard-won freedom), I may end up in the psych ward myself.

Not to mention the stress and anxiety that will be caused to my husband and

children or the potential opening up of the way for more demands for visits.

>

> I have enough stress in my day without this new threat. My children, who are

now 10 and 11, apparently live perfectly happily without her in their lives,

they never mention her name. I asked them if they would like to see her and

they replied " No " and " I don't know. " They did mention that they hardly

remember what she looks like. I don't want to see her, it will only end in

tears.

>

> What should I do? Get an intervention order against her? Tell her to go

ahead and call her lawyer and that I'll be enlisting the support in court of the

mental health professionals who agree with me on a BPD diagnosis? (She would

hate that, being so very narcissistic.) Leave the country? I can't write to her

and appeal to her emotions that her visit will cause stress, anxiety, anger,

bitterness and resentment. She doesn't care. She just wants whatever she

wants, which at this point is a another attempt at propping her cardboard cutout

family into the positions that she thinks they should be in. If she doesn't get

what she wants, she escalates. We know from bitter experience.

>

> *Sigh* I just want her to go away and leave us alone. I thought I was finally

getting on with my little life.

>

[Guest guest]

Aw, shucks.

>

> Doug, I think of you as my virtual " big brother. " You are awesome.

Everyone should have a big brother who has your back and helps you when

you're in trouble, when the bullies have you cornered and are

threatening to beat the crap out of you. Big brothers rock!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Laptop -

Woah! If Nada has already shown up at your kids' school, that's one more thing

you need to do, pronto. You can put a note in their files that Nada (and any

enablers - list them) is NOT to pick them up, not even in an emergency. And of

course, you don't want Nada (or the enablers) listed as " emergency contacts " in

those files. Nadas are perfectly capable of making stuff up to get what they

want - there's no telling how far she'd go if she thought it was justified.

" Laptop has been delayed at work due to the big traffic jam on the expressway -

I'm supposed to pick up the kids. " That kind of thing. Put a picture of her in

there, write a letter for each kid's file and sign it, make it VERY CLEAR to the

principal and staff that Nada does not have your permission to take your kids

from school. You don't need a lawyer for that.

I never suspected my Nada would harm my son - she loves him. But " loving him "

could take the form of picking him up after school and taking him out of town

for a vacation, without my knowledge. Whatever Nada decides is OK, in her mind.

So my son had a note in his school file, and very clear instructions from me

that he was NEVER to get in the car with his grandmother, because she's not a

good driver. (She's not, but that's beside the point.)