Frustrated by Dad's behavior

[Guest guest]

So my Dad has really done his best but I can't help but get angry about the fact

that he very rarely apologizes, especially at times when I really think it would

help.

What set it off, is that as an R.A. I have only 10 nights off a semester. I

planned them at the beginning of the year which weekends I would go home and

told him when they'd be. Last week, I called him and made sure he knew I was

coming home. Just this week, he told me he's heading to Chicago for the evening

to see some friends. And I feel like that's disrespectful and hurtful but he

doesn't see it at all.

Yes. I want him to have friends. Yes, I want him to take opportunities that he's

been denied for the past 22 years under Nada's vindictive thumb. Yes, I want him

to have fun.

But when I tried to explain this to him and what feelings he brought up, he

didn't apologize he just made excuses. All I wanted was an apology that he'd

been inconsiderate.

This is especially difficult because in the past 9 months or so, he's been

refusing to give me the kind of support I needed dealing with PTSD, my mom

moving, me taking on the burden of my troubled brother and tackling the hardest

major offered at my university so that in his mind he could push me into

professional help as I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and bouts of severe depression.

It feels like he's abandoning me. And I'm angry and hurt because of it.

I had to save myself from Nada, so I moved out at 17, knowing that I would never

come " home " again. As soon as I'm out of the house, the divorce process gets

rolling. He sacrificed me to save my sister. He says if he would have done it

any sooner he would have lost her and that Nada would have molded her into the

next generation of fruit loops.

He had no idea that she didn't get better when she was on meds. She may have to

him, but she definitely wasn't to me or my brothers. We suffered and he didn't

always realize how bad it really was for us.

I remember in preschool waiting for 6pm when he would get home and save us from

Nada's rages and shaming.

It angers me that for all this suffering that he didn't save me, and then I get

to watch from a distance as he builds the life and childhood for my siblings

that I never got to have, all because he couldn't get his sh*t together in time

to save me.

I tried to help him pick out a new house to escape Nada when the divorce began

but it just hurts so much being left behind once again. They would all get to go

off and build a new life away from the pain and I would just get to be on the

outside looking in, jealous of the new life as a family they were creating.

What about me? Of all the kids, I'm most like him. I'm the other engineer. I'm

the most successful in school. I have the same taste in movies and sense of

humor. I was the only child that wasn't conceived through Nada's coercion. Why

didn't he care about me enough to save me? Why was my baby sister worth more

than I was? Clearly, I'm really struggling now and he can see it.

He's admitted that he never really wanted to be a father but he's happy with his

role as one. He's always there for me and talks me down when I feel so bad I

don't even know what to do. But I'm still hurt and angry that he didn't do

anything when Nada was physically abusing me. He was just as bad as she was in

denying me a childhood.

And I'm really angry about it.

So I'm just going home Saturday so I can get stuff done on Friday (I have two

exams next week) and go to office hours and get all my RA stuff done. But I'm

still upset that I have to work my plans around him even though I told him about

this in September because he decided to go out to dinner with friends in another

state instead.

[Guest guest]

Boy, sounds like my childhood; sounds like my entire relationship w/my

fada. I've had to accept that fada is not capable of empathy; only cares

about himself and due to those 2 things, is incapable of apologizing because

he has no clue that he's done anything hurtful. I've set a lot of

boundaries lately, mainly to protect myself. His " love " has always been and

will

always be conditional. I'm not playing that game anymore.

good luck. Hugs to u.

Laurie

In a message dated 11/11/2011 3:16:23 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

clefairy_looking_for_moonstone@... writes:

So my Dad has really done his best but I can't help but get angry about the

fact that he very rarely apologizes, especially at times when I really

think it would help.

What set it off, is that as an R.A. I have only 10 nights off a semester.

I planned them at the beginning of the year which weekends I would go home

and told him when they'd be. Last week, I called him and made sure he knew

I was coming home. Just this week, he told me he's heading to Chicago for

the evening to see some friends. And I feel like that's disrespectful and

hurtful but he doesn't see it at all.

Yes. I want him to have friends. Yes, I want him to take opportunities

that he's been denied for the past 22 years under Nada's vindictive thumb.

Yes, I want him to have fun.

But when I tried to explain this to him and what feelings he brought up,

he didn't apologize he just made excuses. All I wanted was an apology that

he'd been inconsiderate.

This is especially difficult because in the past 9 months or so, he's been

refusing to give me the kind of support I needed dealing with PTSD, my mom

moving, me taking on the burden of my troubled brother and tackling the

hardest major offered at my university so that in his mind he could push me

into professional help as I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and bouts of severe

depression.

It feels like he's abandoning me. And I'm angry and hurt because of it.

I had to save myself from Nada, so I moved out at 17, knowing that I would

never come " home " again. As soon as I'm out of the house, the divorce

process gets rolling. He sacrificed me to save my sister. He says if he would

have done it any sooner he would have lost her and that Nada would have

molded her into the next generation of fruit loops.

He had no idea that she didn't get better when she was on meds. She may

have to him, but she definitely wasn't to me or my brothers. We suffered and

he didn't always realize how bad it really was for us.

I remember in preschool waiting for 6pm when he would get home and save us

from Nada's rages and shaming.

It angers me that for all this suffering that he didn't save me, and then

I get to watch from a distance as he builds the life and childhood for my

siblings that I never got to have, all because he couldn't get his sh*t

together in time to save me.

I tried to help him pick out a new house to escape Nada when the divorce

began but it just hurts so much being left behind once again. They would all

get to go off and build a new life away from the pain and I would just get

to be on the outside looking in, jealous of the new life as a family they

were creating.

What about me? Of all the kids, I'm most like him. I'm the other engineer.

I'm the most successful in school. I have the same taste in movies and

sense of humor. I was the only child that wasn't conceived through Nada's

coercion. Why didn't he care about me enough to save me? Why was my baby sister

worth more than I was? Clearly, I'm really struggling now and he can see

it.

He's admitted that he never really wanted to be a father but he's happy

with his role as one. He's always there for me and talks me down when I feel

so bad I don't even know what to do. But I'm still hurt and angry that he

didn't do anything when Nada was physically abusing me. He was just as bad

as she was in denying me a childhood.

And I'm really angry about it.

So I'm just going home Saturday so I can get stuff done on Friday (I have

two exams next week) and go to office hours and get all my RA stuff done.

But I'm still upset that I have to work my plans around him even though I

told him about this in September because he decided to go out to dinner with

friends in another state instead.

[Guest guest]

I think you have every right to be angry at your father. i think it is very

healthy for you to attack that. My dad was also my " good parent. " I had to

appreciate that he got me through it as whole as possible (without leaving

and taking me, which is what he should have done) but I also had to get

angry and let him go. . he is still married to her, so there is no other

way it can be.

> **

>

>

> Boy, sounds like my childhood; sounds like my entire relationship w/my

> fada. I've had to accept that fada is not capable of empathy; only cares

> about himself and due to those 2 things, is incapable of apologizing

> because

> he has no clue that he's done anything hurtful. I've set a lot of

> boundaries lately, mainly to protect myself. His " love " has always been

> and will

> always be conditional. I'm not playing that game anymore.

> good luck. Hugs to u.

> Laurie

>

>

> In a message dated 11/11/2011 3:16:23 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

> clefairy_looking_for_moonstone@... writes:

>

> So my Dad has really done his best but I can't help but get angry about

> the

> fact that he very rarely apologizes, especially at times when I really

> think it would help.

>

> What set it off, is that as an R.A. I have only 10 nights off a semester.

> I planned them at the beginning of the year which weekends I would go home

> and told him when they'd be. Last week, I called him and made sure he knew

> I was coming home. Just this week, he told me he's heading to Chicago for

> the evening to see some friends. And I feel like that's disrespectful and

> hurtful but he doesn't see it at all.

>

> Yes. I want him to have friends. Yes, I want him to take opportunities

> that he's been denied for the past 22 years under Nada's vindictive thumb.

> Yes, I want him to have fun.

>

> But when I tried to explain this to him and what feelings he brought up,

> he didn't apologize he just made excuses. All I wanted was an apology that

> he'd been inconsiderate.

> This is especially difficult because in the past 9 months or so, he's been

> refusing to give me the kind of support I needed dealing with PTSD, my mom

> moving, me taking on the burden of my troubled brother and tackling the

> hardest major offered at my university so that in his mind he could push

> me

> into professional help as I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and bouts of severe

> depression.

> It feels like he's abandoning me. And I'm angry and hurt because of it.

>

> I had to save myself from Nada, so I moved out at 17, knowing that I would

> never come " home " again. As soon as I'm out of the house, the divorce

> process gets rolling. He sacrificed me to save my sister. He says if he

> would

> have done it any sooner he would have lost her and that Nada would have

> molded her into the next generation of fruit loops.

> He had no idea that she didn't get better when she was on meds. She may

> have to him, but she definitely wasn't to me or my brothers. We suffered

> and

> he didn't always realize how bad it really was for us.

> I remember in preschool waiting for 6pm when he would get home and save us

> from Nada's rages and shaming.

> It angers me that for all this suffering that he didn't save me, and then

> I get to watch from a distance as he builds the life and childhood for my

> siblings that I never got to have, all because he couldn't get his sh*t

> together in time to save me.

> I tried to help him pick out a new house to escape Nada when the divorce

> began but it just hurts so much being left behind once again. They would

> all

> get to go off and build a new life away from the pain and I would just get

> to be on the outside looking in, jealous of the new life as a family they

> were creating.

>

> What about me? Of all the kids, I'm most like him. I'm the other engineer.

> I'm the most successful in school. I have the same taste in movies and

> sense of humor. I was the only child that wasn't conceived through Nada's

> coercion. Why didn't he care about me enough to save me? Why was my baby

> sister

> worth more than I was? Clearly, I'm really struggling now and he can see

> it.

> He's admitted that he never really wanted to be a father but he's happy

> with his role as one. He's always there for me and talks me down when I

> feel

> so bad I don't even know what to do. But I'm still hurt and angry that he

> didn't do anything when Nada was physically abusing me. He was just as bad

> as she was in denying me a childhood.

>

> And I'm really angry about it.

>

> So I'm just going home Saturday so I can get stuff done on Friday (I have

> two exams next week) and go to office hours and get all my RA stuff done.

> But I'm still upset that I have to work my plans around him even though I

> told him about this in September because he decided to go out to dinner

> with

> friends in another state instead.

>

>

[Guest guest]

As I read your post it just reminded my how splintering BP people are to their

families. LIke a big wrecking ball tearing a house apart. It sounds to me like

your nada's behaviors split everyone apart and you are all casualties. Your dad

sounds like he was in over his head (aren't we all) and is probably also NP. I

am guessing your dad somewhere deep inside of himself felt you, being a boy and

older, were going to be able to take better care of yourself than your little

sister? And also being NP he couldn't empathize with or apologies to you? I am

not defending him by any means, rather trying to support you and I am actually

thinking he probably will realize, if he hasn't already, that you are stronger

than he is, you got out.

I think your anger is very appropriate toward your dad. It sounds like you have

worked really hard to connect to him - enjoying the same movies, thoughtfully

let him know when you would be home so you could see him, help him find a home

after he and your nada divorced, taking care of your troubled younger brother,

even going into engineering, like your dad.

You have done what most healthy parents would do for their children - you have

supported him emotionally, empathized with him and connected with him, and been

thoughtful of him. It sounds as if you've accepted that he cannot apologize or

accept responsiblity for his actions, but it still hurts. I feel really badly

about your situation, and you shared that you feel depressed and disconnected

and left out, abandoned. I think you have every right to feel really angry and

sad. In order to move forward I find my self wondering if you are being heard by

a professional counselor or getting medication for your depression? Not that

these replace what you've lost, but they would be key in helping you heal move

forward.

And I feel as if I must let you know that dispite your family situation you are

a very responsible and caring person. Being an RA is a huge resonsibility and

requires someone to be very caring, structured, and empathetic, or you would not

have the job. And going to school for engineering is a a lot of work as well.

You are a survivor.

True

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Boy, sounds like my childhood; sounds like my entire relationship w/my

> > fada. I've had to accept that fada is not capable of empathy; only cares

> > about himself and due to those 2 things, is incapable of apologizing

> > because

> > he has no clue that he's done anything hurtful. I've set a lot of

> > boundaries lately, mainly to protect myself. His " love " has always been

> > and will

> > always be conditional. I'm not playing that game anymore.

> > good luck. Hugs to u.

> > Laurie

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 11/11/2011 3:16:23 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

> > clefairy_looking_for_moonstone@... writes:

> >

> > So my Dad has really done his best but I can't help but get angry about

> > the

> > fact that he very rarely apologizes, especially at times when I really

> > think it would help.

> >

> > What set it off, is that as an R.A. I have only 10 nights off a semester.

> > I planned them at the beginning of the year which weekends I would go home

> > and told him when they'd be. Last week, I called him and made sure he knew

> > I was coming home. Just this week, he told me he's heading to Chicago for

> > the evening to see some friends. And I feel like that's disrespectful and

> > hurtful but he doesn't see it at all.

> >

> > Yes. I want him to have friends. Yes, I want him to take opportunities

> > that he's been denied for the past 22 years under Nada's vindictive thumb.

> > Yes, I want him to have fun.

> >

> > But when I tried to explain this to him and what feelings he brought up,

> > he didn't apologize he just made excuses. All I wanted was an apology that

> > he'd been inconsiderate.

> > This is especially difficult because in the past 9 months or so, he's been

> > refusing to give me the kind of support I needed dealing with PTSD, my mom

> > moving, me taking on the burden of my troubled brother and tackling the

> > hardest major offered at my university so that in his mind he could push

> > me

> > into professional help as I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and bouts of severe

> > depression.

> > It feels like he's abandoning me. And I'm angry and hurt because of it.

> >

> > I had to save myself from Nada, so I moved out at 17, knowing that I would

> > never come " home " again. As soon as I'm out of the house, the divorce

> > process gets rolling. He sacrificed me to save my sister. He says if he

> > would

> > have done it any sooner he would have lost her and that Nada would have

> > molded her into the next generation of fruit loops.

> > He had no idea that she didn't get better when she was on meds. She may

> > have to him, but she definitely wasn't to me or my brothers. We suffered

> > and

> > he didn't always realize how bad it really was for us.

> > I remember in preschool waiting for 6pm when he would get home and save us

> > from Nada's rages and shaming.

> > It angers me that for all this suffering that he didn't save me, and then

> > I get to watch from a distance as he builds the life and childhood for my

> > siblings that I never got to have, all because he couldn't get his sh*t

> > together in time to save me.

> > I tried to help him pick out a new house to escape Nada when the divorce

> > began but it just hurts so much being left behind once again. They would

> > all

> > get to go off and build a new life away from the pain and I would just get

> > to be on the outside looking in, jealous of the new life as a family they

> > were creating.

> >

> > What about me? Of all the kids, I'm most like him. I'm the other engineer.

> > I'm the most successful in school. I have the same taste in movies and

> > sense of humor. I was the only child that wasn't conceived through Nada's

> > coercion. Why didn't he care about me enough to save me? Why was my baby

> > sister

> > worth more than I was? Clearly, I'm really struggling now and he can see

> > it.

> > He's admitted that he never really wanted to be a father but he's happy

> > with his role as one. He's always there for me and talks me down when I

> > feel

> > so bad I don't even know what to do. But I'm still hurt and angry that he

> > didn't do anything when Nada was physically abusing me. He was just as bad

> > as she was in denying me a childhood.

> >

> > And I'm really angry about it.

> >

> > So I'm just going home Saturday so I can get stuff done on Friday (I have

> > two exams next week) and go to office hours and get all my RA stuff done.

> > But I'm still upset that I have to work my plans around him even though I

> > told him about this in September because he decided to go out to dinner

> > with

> > friends in another state instead.

> >

> >