Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. At first, I thought it was nice. By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. How she usually brings it up is this way: ** Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! Me: Mmhm. I know. ** Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. It went this way: ** D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy laugh) Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY it so much. D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches me self-confidence. Me: What?! And I don't? The conversation went on in circles. ** Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so defective. (Apparently, this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud. Of course, if *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about self-confidence. I've met the mom she's talking about and though I don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good listener. It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so much like my nada!! I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! Sigh. Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she mentions this mom. I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 My daughter's friends told me I was a " cool " mom, and of course, my daughter thinks I am weird. I think that's the teenager way. One thing I have learned in life is to be yourself. Don't try to turn yourself into who someone wants you to be. You end up losing yourself and who you really are. I spent years trying to be who my stepmom wanted me to be, and then who my ex husband wanted me to be. I didn't know up from down by the time I started to figure it all out. I still have issues with my daughter thinking that I need to be who she wants me to be, but I think a lot of kids that age still have that perception that the world revolves around them. And, I probably help perpetuate that in some way. Just be frank, but tactful with your daughter about how you feel. And, when she grows up, she's going to remember that her mom was the one who was there for her, supported her, took care of her. I know it's hard, as I have to remind myself of this myself, especially when my daughter goes into how wonderful her dad is. I hope this helps. Janet  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:04 AM Subject: Nada's waify legacy  My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. At first, I thought it was nice. By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. How she usually brings it up is this way: ** Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! Me: Mmhm. I know. ** Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very hurtful to me.  I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. It went this way: ** D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy laugh) Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY it so much. D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches me self-confidence. Me: What?! And I don't? The conversation went on in circles. ** Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep.  I felt so defective. (Apparently, this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud.  Of course, if *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over my daughter and me.  My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about self-confidence.  I've met the mom she's talking about and though I don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good listener. It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so much like my nada!! I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! Sigh.  Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about me.  It just really hurt, the way she said it. I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she mentions this mom. I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it.  Question:  I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them.  Just be myself. Is this ok?  Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Fiona, I think that no matter what you were like, your daughter would find someone else's mom who has a different type of personality attractive. That's just the way teenage girls tend to be. Other people's moms are " cool " because the girls only see their outside faces. The other moms are not disciplining them, setting rules for them or saying " NO! " to things they want. I think that continuing to be who you are is the right choice. Trying to be someone else won't work anyway because no matter who you try to be, you still need to act like a parent and that's going to make you less attractive at a certain level. Trying to be a friend instead of a parent tends to have bad results. That being said, if you think self-confidence really is an issue with your daughter, you might try to figure out ways to help boost her self-confidence that fit your personality. There's no one true way to do that and you don't need to act like her friend's mother to do it. At 06:04 AM 11/11/2011 Fiona wrote: >My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 >or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > >At first, I thought it was nice. > >By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > >How she usually brings it up is this way: >** >Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > >Me: Mmhm. I know. >** > >Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being >very hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up >about it, but at that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. >It went this way: >** >D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! >(goofy laugh) >Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. >D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? >Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that >you SAY it so much. >D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she >teaches me self-confidence. >Me: What?! And I don't? >The conversation went on in circles. >** > >Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I >went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so >defective. (Apparently, this mom is the kind of person who will >tell the kids they're going to kick butt this year and they're >awesome and is just loud. Of course, if *I* did that in front >of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > >And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was >standing over my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who >can teach her about self-confidence. I've met the mom she's >talking about and though I don't know her well, my first >impression of her was of someone who likes to hear her own >voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good >listener. > >It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is >so much like my nada!! > >I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > >Sigh. > >Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, > " What is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making >it all about me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. >I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that >she mentions this mom. > >I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter >wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > >Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else >who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just >be myself. Is this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not >to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. > >Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > >Fiona -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Fiona - I get what you're saying - you go through hours (HOURS!!) of labor, change their diapers, put yourself last for years, and then they come home and tell you how much the LOOOOOVE somebody else's mom. (Yes. It's happened to me to. And did I mention the HOURS of labor???) So the initial reaction is, " what am I, chopped liver? " And it IS hurtful, because as much as you want to say, " Oh yeah? Well you can just go live at HER house, then! " - You KNOW you're going to continue to provide your daughter with a home and support. And this is just a natural reaction to being slapped in the face by an ungrateful child, so to speak. Our kids (yours and mine) are well cared for, supported in their academics and activities, and they never know how much we deny ourselves so they live this charmed life. I get it. And the friend's mom sounds like a shallow, flaky loudmouth. I get that, too. Having a girl may actually make it worse - girls are verbal, and boy, do they know how to push buttons. At 14, your daughter has 4 or 5 more years of snarky, ungrateful behavior coming up. Teenagers - even the " good " ones - can be very unpleasant to raise, to say the least. If you talk to other parents (not the flaky one), you will probably find that their teens are also being ungrateful, bratty wretches from time to time. Having that reality check might help you to just roll your eyes at the behavior, chalk it up to her being 14, and refrain from strangling her. I do have one serious suggestion, though. Self esteem that's based only on a cheerleader's encouragement isn't real self esteem. Telling kids that they're wonderful only goes so far. Real self-esteem is based on what we ourselves accomplish. If you want your daughter to have that inner core of quiet confidence (and trust me, you do - that's what will let her make good decisions in the next 5 years) - then you and she can work on ways to build real self-esteem. Maybe you want to take her rock-climbing, or do a long-distance bike ride, or learn chess or a musical instrument. It could be anything that she does, with her own skill. It need not be competitive, but it shouldn't be easy or instant - it could be a long backpacking trip, or sewing a fancy dress, or becoming conversant in French, or performing in a play. The more real skills she has, the more real self-esteem she'll have. And if she sees you learning new things, too, and goes through those learning experiences with you, she will have a very different image of you as well. (26 HOURS of labor!!) > > My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > At first, I thought it was nice. > > By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > > How she usually brings it up is this way: > ** > Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > > Me: Mmhm. I know. > ** > > Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. > It went this way: > ** > D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy laugh) > Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. > D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? > Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY it so much. > D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches me self-confidence. > Me: What?! And I don't? > The conversation went on in circles. > ** > > Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so defective. (Apparently, this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud. Of course, if *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > > And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about self-confidence. I've met the mom she's talking about and though I don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good listener. > > It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so much like my nada!! > > I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > > Sigh. > > Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. > I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she mentions this mom. > > I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. > > Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > > Fiona > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Katrina got me thinking about a memory that might apply to your situation Fiona. A number of my friends in high school envied me because my mother was so cool and relaxed. That's how they saw it. What they saw is that I basically had no restrictions and did what I wanted, what they didn't see was that no one was there for me and that I was parentified. They chafed against being actual teenagers who were being supervised and protected...but I was certainly not. So I would say take your daughter's looooove for this other mother with a grain of salt. I don't think you should ever change who you are, but it could be worthwhile to sit her down for a serious discussion and ask what's going on with her, what does she need, how does she wish her relationship with you were different. It might open the door to her expressing some real needs that you might want to know about it AND keep her from popping off manipulative crap because it means you'll push her to be open and honest if she does. Eliza > >My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 > >or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > > >At first, I thought it was nice. > > > >By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > > > >How she usually brings it up is this way: > >** > >Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > > > >Me: Mmhm. I know. > >** > > > >Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being > >very hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up > >about it, but at that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. > >It went this way: > >** > >D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! > >(goofy laugh) > >Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. > >D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? > >Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that > >you SAY it so much. > >D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she > >teaches me self-confidence. > >Me: What?! And I don't? > >The conversation went on in circles. > >** > > > >Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I > >went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so > >defective. (Apparently, this mom is the kind of person who will > >tell the kids they're going to kick butt this year and they're > >awesome and is just loud. Of course, if *I* did that in front > >of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > > > >And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was > >standing over my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who > >can teach her about self-confidence. I've met the mom she's > >talking about and though I don't know her well, my first > >impression of her was of someone who likes to hear her own > >voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good > >listener. > > > >It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is > >so much like my nada!! > > > >I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > > > >Sigh. > > > >Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, > > " What is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making > >it all about me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. > >I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that > >she mentions this mom. > > > >I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter > >wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > > >Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else > >who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just > >be myself. Is this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not > >to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. > > > >Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > > > >Fiona > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Fiona, Boy can I relate to this post. I have felt the very same thing, not related to my kids(boys are a little different that way), but in friend situations. Always fight that feeling that others are more fun, have more interesting things to say and more to offer in general than I do. Now that I am in therapy, I am trying to accept the FLEAS that I picked up along the way and change what I can and accept the parts of me that won't change as easily. It is so hard to do, though. My nada was a hermit/waif who never encouraged social interation and modeled escapist behavior. I would say do not change who you are for anyone, including your kids. If there are things about yourself that you truly want to work on, tackle them one at a time and cut yourself some slack if it doesn't come together all the time. It took us how many years to recognize we had FLEAS, lol? Won't get rid of them overnight for sure. Lyn > > My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > At first, I thought it was nice. > > By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > > How she usually brings it up is this way: > ** > Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > > Me: Mmhm. I know. > ** > > Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. > It went this way: > ** > D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy laugh) > Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. > D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? > Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY it so much. > D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches me self-confidence. > Me: What?! And I don't? > The conversation went on in circles. > ** > > Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so defective. (Apparently, this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud. Of course, if *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > > And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about self-confidence. I've met the mom she's talking about and though I don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good listener. > > It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so much like my nada!! > > I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > > Sigh. > > Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. > I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she mentions this mom. > > I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. > > Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > > Fiona > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 One thing to think about here is that nobody can be everything to a kid. You are her mother and you love her, but you're you. Uniquely you, with your own personality. It's kind of like the difference between, say, a husband and girlfriends. You can't go to a husband with everything you could tell a girlfriend, and there are some things you can't tell a girlfriend that you can tell your husband. And some things you might go to one girlfriend with, but not another. It doesn't mean you love one person more than another. It just means the people are different people. The relationships are different relationships. It's been said that it takes a village to raise a child. Children are so dependent and they need so much that no one person can possibly ever hope to be ALL things to their child. Through no fault of their own, no parent will be able to supply every single little thing a child of theirs needs in the exact, perfect, timely way the child needs it. We're human, and we don't have ESP. That's why it takes a village...so a child has other people they can go to besides just one parent who has to be everything to the kid. Perhaps your daughter wasn't very thoughtful of your feelings. But that still doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. You're a great mom. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Oh, Fiona. I'm so sorry. Let me share with you what I have learned from my daughter, who is now 21: 2 or 3 times in her teen years she zeroed in on someone else's mom as the 'perfect' mother. For whatever reason she felt it very important to make sure I KNEW she thought *I* was lacking some particular mothering skills. It was always delivered in the same way your daughter used on you--like if we objected it must be because we are overreacting, feeling jealous, etc. She was really sorry, blah, blah, but she had to get what she needed from the *other* mother. And it feels like a knife in the heart. They DO NOT realize how hurtful these words are, they aren't nasty, mean girls. I think at this age of development they are just thoughtless. And trust me, the damning phrases they use is not even remembered a week later--while we are still struggling to find our confidence again. You need to be very strong, Fiona, and see this as your daughter's issue and not yours. She's at the age of pushing buttons, feeling resentments over silly stuff and not remembering half the insensitive blather that comes out of her mouth. One minute she is your sweet girl and the next minute this kind of stuff. It will get better, I promise. Please do not allow this to permanently wound you. > > My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > At first, I thought it was nice. > > By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > > How she usually brings it up is this way: > ** > Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > > Me: Mmhm. I know. > ** > > Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. > It went this way: > ** > D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy laugh) > Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. > D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? > Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY it so much. > D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches me self-confidence. > Me: What?! And I don't? > The conversation went on in circles. > ** > > Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so defective. (Apparently, this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud. Of course, if *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > > And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about self-confidence. I've met the mom she's talking about and though I don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good listener. > > It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so much like my nada!! > > I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > > Sigh. > > Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. > I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she mentions this mom. > > I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. > > Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > > Fiona > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 12, 2011 Report Share Posted November 12, 2011 Fiona, I know exactly what you are feeling. I feel like i have no personality sometimes (it was destroyed a very long time ago and i don't know how to get it back). But I am the mom that everyone comes to...all my kids friends call me mom, they kiss and hug me, they tell me i'm so understanding...and i know i am. My kids recognize this and they tell me all the time how much i understand and how all the other moms aren't as calm and patient as me. But, even with this recognition, I feel bad. It's this awful borderline thing rearing it's ugly head again. I can't even pat myself on the back for being a great mom. I feel like i have no personality...nothing that is definitely me...that my kids can be proud of. Now I know it's not true...but it's the lingering deep feelings that I fight every single damn day. It's exhausting. Amy (the other Amy on here!) barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 12, 2011 Report Share Posted November 12, 2011 Fiona, I have 4 grown kids. Let me share a bit of perspective with you. A lot of our kid s friends " Loved US " and loved coming here, and hanging out our house. Of COURSE they did! I didnt make them clean thier rooms. Thier mom did. I didnt make them do thier homework. That would be Mom. I DID make my kids clean thier room and do their homework. If they came here, I would feed them. I never took them to the store with me and said No, you cant have that, No, I cant afford that. That would be mom. A friend' s mom can be a buddy, or a pal, or a cool cat. Your own mom has the serious, no bullshit business of feeding , clothing , and raising you. We are not their to be their bestest buddy. We are there to maximize the chances that they turn out as a reasonably successful, happy, capable adult. It is a tough job. It is not for sissies and Girly men ! It takes guts, and sweat, and tears. Lots, and lots of tears. Remember how Nada could always be a bestest buddy to someone? Never to us, of course, although she would tell the world we were Bestest buds? Scuse me Nada, we don t need you to be our best pal. We can make friends. We need you to be: Mom. Of course, you never were. You were: Nada. And so we grew up really screwed up. You are trying, despite your wounds and deprivations in growing up, to be a good Mom. You go , girl! She won t always Looooooooooooooove you for it. ly, I think if you raise a daughter and never have a 14 year old tell you she just HATES you, you must be a Wuss. Here is a survival kit for you: 14 yo: I just loooooooooooooooooove Susie s mom. You: Yes, she s a nice lady. Don t forget to bring your laundry to the kitchen. 14 yo: I HATE YOU< you are SO MEAN! You: I m sorry you feel that way. Now go bring your laundry to the kitchen. 14yo: I can t wait till Im 18 and I can explitive delelted LEAVE. You: You don t need to wait so long dear. Let me pack you a suitcase. Give me your house key. Be sure you write to us when you find work. It will pass. That 14 yo will be an adult one day. And she won t go to Susies moms house for Thanksgiving because she just loooooooved her when she was 14. Trust me. Doug > > My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > At first, I thought it was nice. > > By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > > How she usually brings it up is this way: > ** > Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > > Me: Mmhm. I know. > ** > > Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. > It went this way: > ** > D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy laugh) > Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. > D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? > Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY it so much. > D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches me self-confidence. > Me: What?! And I don't? > The conversation went on in circles. > ** > > Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so defective. (Apparently, this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud. Of course, if *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > > And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about self-confidence. I've met the mom she's talking about and though I don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good listener. > > It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so much like my nada!! > > I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > > Sigh. > > Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. > I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she mentions this mom. > > I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. > > Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > > Fiona > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 Hi Amy, thanks so much for sharing from your heart. I think that's wonderful that your kids and your kids' friends feel you are approachable and safe. That's huge, and a rare gift. I know how you feel (feeling invisible). I wish you healing; you deserve to be happy. Seeing a therapist has helped me a great deal. Fiona > > Fiona, > I know exactly what you are feeling. I feel like i have no personality sometimes (it was destroyed a very long time ago and i don't know how to get it back). But I am the mom that everyone comes to...all my kids friends call me mom, they kiss and hug me, they tell me i'm so understanding...and i know i am. My kids recognize this and they tell me all the time how much i understand and how all the other moms aren't as calm and patient as me. > > > But, even with this recognition, I feel bad. It's this awful borderline thing rearing it's ugly head again. I can't even pat myself on the back for being a great mom. I feel like i have no personality...nothing that is definitely me...that my kids can be proud of. Now I know it's not true...but it's the lingering deep feelings that I fight every single damn day. > > > It's exhausting. > > > Amy (the other Amy on here!) > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 thanks, Doug!! I love your perspective on things. I know you and the others are right. it is definitely not for the faint of heart. Some days, I wish I could ship her off to a boarding school somewhere where she would be safe and well treated, and she could come back to me when she has a full time job and an apt of her own. There have been other instances where my daughter has told me, " Oh, Jane's mom is SO funny; she said to Jane in front of us, 'NO, you didn't!' Oh my GOD, mom, she cracks me up!! " I said, " wow, that's hilarious. I just have to point out, though, if *I* did or said that in front of you and your friends, you would tell me what a loser I am. " She admitted I was right and basically told me that's the way it is, like that old Bruce Hornsby song. That's just the way it is, some things will never change. Sigh. Thanks again, Doug and everyone for sharing. I appreciate your insights more than you know. I really needed to hear that today. Fiona > > > > My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 > months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > > > At first, I thought it was nice. > > > > By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > > > > How she usually brings it up is this way: > > ** > > Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > > > > Me: Mmhm. I know. > > ** > > > > Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very > hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at > that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. > > It went this way: > > ** > > D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy > laugh) > > Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. > > D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? > > Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY > it so much. > > D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches > me self-confidence. > > Me: What?! And I don't? > > The conversation went on in circles. > > ** > > > > Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to > my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so defective. (Apparently, > this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to > kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud. Of course, if > *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > > > > And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over > my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about > self-confidence. I've met the mom she's talking about and though I > don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes > to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good > listener. > > > > It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so > much like my nada!! > > > > I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > > > > Sigh. > > > > Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What > is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about > me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. > > I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she > mentions this mom. > > > > I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants > me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > > > Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who > directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is > this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm > leaning towards the former. > > > > Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > > > > Fiona > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 Fi, if it helps - it takes a village to raise a child right? so as long as this woman is a good influence, it will be good in the end. that said, i kind of want to punch her in the face. . . she sounds like a bitch ha ha ha ha I think I'm jumping to conclusions. > ** > > > thanks, Doug!! I love your perspective on things. I know you and the > others are right. it is definitely not for the faint of heart. Some days, I > wish I could ship her off to a boarding school somewhere where she would be > safe and well treated, and she could come back to me when she has a full > time job and an apt of her own. > > There have been other instances where my daughter has told me, " Oh, Jane's > mom is SO funny; she said to Jane in front of us, 'NO, you didn't!' Oh my > GOD, mom, she cracks me up!! " > > I said, " wow, that's hilarious. I just have to point out, though, if *I* > did or said that in front of you and your friends, you would tell me what a > loser I am. " > > She admitted I was right and basically told me that's the way it is, like > that old Bruce Hornsby song. That's just the way it is, some things will > never change. > > Sigh. > > Thanks again, Doug and everyone for sharing. I appreciate your insights > more than you know. I really needed to hear that today. > > Fiona > > > > > > > > > My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 > > months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > > > > > At first, I thought it was nice. > > > > > > By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > > > > > > How she usually brings it up is this way: > > > ** > > > Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > > > > > > Me: Mmhm. I know. > > > ** > > > > > > Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very > > hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at > > that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. > > > It went this way: > > > ** > > > D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy > > laugh) > > > Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. > > > D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? > > > Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY > > it so much. > > > D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches > > me self-confidence. > > > Me: What?! And I don't? > > > The conversation went on in circles. > > > ** > > > > > > Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to > > my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so defective. (Apparently, > > this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to > > kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud. Of course, if > > *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > > > > > > And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over > > my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about > > self-confidence. I've met the mom she's talking about and though I > > don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes > > to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good > > listener. > > > > > > It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so > > much like my nada!! > > > > > > I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > > > > > > Sigh. > > > > > > Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What > > is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about > > me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. > > > I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she > > mentions this mom. > > > > > > I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants > > me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > > > > > Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who > > directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is > > this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm > > leaning towards the former. > > > > > > Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > > > > > > Fiona > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 Oh, I really like what you wrote. It resonates with me. I worry about the nada and papa legacy a great deal, to the point of self-paralyzing even. It's like if I'm not all of me filled with me, then I'm performing some bizarre ghostly possession state and I feel that's so so ack! If my nada were the Queen of Egypt, then I'd be putting on makeup incessantly, affecting my daughter with it, and yearning to not go through so much trouble.... It'd be like that. The thing I get about your 14 year old is she's pushing yor buttons individuating. She's checking out your anger quotient as she explores other women, adult women, and her own peer group. Her sexual power is increasing, her allure and command of persons male and female, she exploring, and likely - to take it out of vagueness, she's approaching her first kiss! I think in a way when that 14 year old says " Augh, bah, you're snoozeville " , she's also saying " I'm getting excited. " Like that. It's like she has to point out that someone else is grand, and move towards that, to feel the heat in her stomach and smile and laugh and be huge and dramatic!!! And all these things are comfortable namely because she what... she gets to know her own mama is stable, gorgeous, consistent and fun. She's making a great, good statement moving from a wonderful house and home mother model to a non-biological sports and sorority-sister cheerleader type mother model. And you're feeling the idiot because you didn't see it coming, or you didn't expect she'd express it so up-in-your-face forcefully and repeatedly. The kid is communicating something for sure, and in a sense it is a kind of love. If you the mom, find there's times you could be more loud and let your hair loose in one of your adult situations, that kind of thing might free you up inside. I think the BPD part would be to try to model these behaviors in front of her, or search for opportunities that involve the daughter to get chances to do all this. That would feel highly constrictive to the daughter, and you've already registered a no inside yourself. The non-BPD part is to accept the exciting feedback and see if you could be more the Ellen DeGeneres at your local church group, or waiting in line somewhere, or just in general, to feel more like anyone else around you might make those googley eyes, even the adults, just blush and warm and silently say " Ooooh, I loooove you! " ... !!! Hahahah!!! Some of this behavior continues into adulthood, and if the BPD parent has messed it up forever, thoroughly blackened out the joshing and the funning, well... that's no good! I can't imagine you'll be the shallow form of this friend's mom you're describing. That at least is the lemonade gift of this getting-to-know-self work that's ongoing. Your warm behavior goes further and love feedback makes for deep friendships. Scarlet > > > > > My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > <snip> > > I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > > > Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm leaning towards the former. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 lololol!!! GS, you slay me! Yes, please do punch her in the face. You know, I do pray for my daughter, that she'll have other positive female influences, so maybe my prayer got answered and now I'm just pissed that she responded so strongly to it. Scarlett, thank you for your thoughts; I appreciate your perspective. thank you!! > > > > > > > > My 14 yo daughter has told me about 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 > > > months how much she " loooooves " her friend's mom. > > > > > > > > At first, I thought it was nice. > > > > > > > > By the 3rd or 4th time, it was irritating, and I showed it. > > > > > > > > How she usually brings it up is this way: > > > > ** > > > > Daughter (D): I saw Polly's mom today. I looooooooove her!! > > > > > > > > Me: Mmhm. I know. > > > > ** > > > > > > > > Last night, we went into it a bit more and it ended up being very > > > hurtful to me. I think I could have been more grown-up about it, but at > > > that moment, I wasn't thinking that way. > > > > It went this way: > > > > ** > > > > D: Polly's mom was at the school today. I loooooooove her!!!! (goofy > > > laugh) > > > > Me: Yup. I know. You tell me often. > > > > D: Why does it bother you so much that I like someone else mom? > > > > Me: It doesn't bother me that you like her; it bothers me that you SAY > > > it so much. > > > > D: It's not that I love her more than you. It's just that she teaches > > > me self-confidence. > > > > Me: What?! And I don't? > > > > The conversation went on in circles. > > > > ** > > > > > > > > Anyway, after she said that bit about the self-confidence, I went to > > > my room and cried myself to sleep. I felt so defective. (Apparently, > > > this mom is the kind of person who will tell the kids they're going to > > > kick butt this year and they're awesome and is just loud. Of course, if > > > *I* did that in front of her friends, my daughter would have a fit.) > > > > > > > > And I felt like my mother's waify legacy and shadow was standing over > > > my daughter and me. My daughter wants a mom who can teach her about > > > self-confidence. I've met the mom she's talking about and though I > > > don't know her well, my first impression of her was of someone who likes > > > to hear her own voice, talk incessantly AND loudly, and not a very good > > > listener. > > > > > > > > It's funny....my daughter is drawn to someone who, outwardly is so > > > much like my nada!! > > > > > > > > I'm very quiet and am drawn to people NOT like that! > > > > > > > > Sigh. > > > > > > > > Like I said, I could have been more grown up about it and said, " What > > > is it you feel when you're with her? " , instead of making it all about > > > me. It just really hurt, the way she said it. > > > > I could still ask her that the next time (if there is one) that she > > > mentions this mom. > > > > > > > > I went to my room wishing I could pump out whatever my daughter wants > > > me to be, but if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. > > > > > > > > Question: I feel like treating my daughter like anyone else who > > > directly or indirectly wants me to change for them. Just be myself. Is > > > this ok? Or should I try to be someone i'm not to please her? I'm > > > leaning towards the former. > > > > > > > > Thanks for your eyes and ears, as always. > > > > > > > > Fiona > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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