Guest guest Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 I'm on my own now, full-time job, living away from home. I'm under 26 meaning that I could still be on my parent's insurance plan if I wanted to. I could also be on mine. I don't make a lot of money, so they're trying to help me out keeping me on their plan. It's nice and all but, if I'm on their plan then: -They can find out I'm in therapy -They can find out I'm on meds Both of which I need as I recover from an earlier life with them and work to build a better sense of myself. If they find out I'm in therapy/meds they use it as a weakness to target me and say how I have so many " problems " I can't talk to them about (I wonder why...) So yeah, it would be cheaper to stay on their plan, but for my own sanity it just won't work. I'd rather fork over an extra hundred or so dollars more per month and protect my sanity. What is a good way to tell them that I want my own insurance plan without sounding like I'm abandoning them or being really sketchy about it/ won't tell them why? I know their abandonment stuff is going to kick in as I individuate myself away from them...sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 12, 2011 Report Share Posted November 12, 2011 One option is that you just make the switch without telling them about it first. The subject will come up eventually, after the fact, and you can just say a hearty and sincere Thank You to your parents for having given you that initial boost. Maybe say something like, " I appreciate you giving me a " leg up " (like giving a rider a leg up so she can mount the horse, but you don't then hang on to the rider's leg after she's on the horse.) " Or Maybe tell them, " You did good, mom and dad, such a good job that I am now able to solo, and I have to tell you it feels great to be completely self-sufficient! It really feels wonderful to know that I can take care of myself, as a responsible, competent adult, thanks to you! " So, don't ask them if you can , just do it, then praise and thank them when they discover you've made the switch. If they ask you why you didn't discuss it with them first, say, Oh, I just got really busy, I just forgot. If they persist in wanting to argue with you about it, then (depending on how you feel about it) you could say something like, " You know that this doesn't mean I don't love you. It means you did a good job raising a responsible adult. " And give them a kiss. Or, you could say, " I understand your concern, but that subject is off the table for discussion now. " Some bpd parents will accept a boundary when you put your foot down, and others will buck and rear or become genuinely angry, upset or hurt. There are a lot of good books out there now about setting boundaries, about handling difficult people, etc. You'll just have to find the technique that works best for you. But rest assured that you are doing nothing wrong, and so you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are not responsible for your bpd parents' feelings, for keeping them happy; that's their job and their feelings are theirs to own. Best of luck to you, and its really good that you're getting a handle on " handling " your bpd parents earlier in life. Thumb's up! -Annie > > I'm on my own now, full-time job, living away from home. I'm under 26 meaning that I could still be on my parent's insurance plan if I wanted to. I could also be on mine. I don't make a lot of money, so they're trying to help me out keeping me on their plan. > > It's nice and all but, if I'm on their plan then: > -They can find out I'm in therapy > -They can find out I'm on meds > Both of which I need as I recover from an earlier life with them and work to build a better sense of myself. > > If they find out I'm in therapy/meds they use it as a weakness to target me and say how I have so many " problems " I can't talk to them about (I wonder why...) > > So yeah, it would be cheaper to stay on their plan, but for my own sanity it just won't work. I'd rather fork over an extra hundred or so dollars more per month and protect my sanity. > > What is a good way to tell them that I want my own insurance plan without sounding like I'm abandoning them or being really sketchy about it/ won't tell them why? I know their abandonment stuff is going to kick in as I individuate myself away from them...sigh. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 12, 2011 Report Share Posted November 12, 2011 What annie said!!! On Sat, Nov 12, 2011 at 11:01 AM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > One option is that you just make the switch without telling them about it > first. The subject will come up eventually, after the fact, and you can > just say a hearty and sincere Thank You to your parents for having given > you that initial boost. Maybe say something like, " I appreciate you giving > me a " leg up " (like giving a rider a leg up so she can mount the horse, but > you don't then hang on to the rider's leg after she's on the horse.) " Or > Maybe tell them, " You did good, mom and dad, such a good job that I am now > able to solo, and I have to tell you it feels great to be completely > self-sufficient! It really feels wonderful to know that I can take care of > myself, as a responsible, competent adult, thanks to you! " > > So, don't ask them if you can , just do it, then praise and thank them > when they discover you've made the switch. If they ask you why you didn't > discuss it with them first, say, Oh, I just got really busy, I just forgot. > If they persist in wanting to argue with you about it, then (depending on > how you feel about it) you could say something like, " You know that this > doesn't mean I don't love you. It means you did a good job raising a > responsible adult. " And give them a kiss. Or, you could say, " I understand > your concern, but that subject is off the table for discussion now. " > > Some bpd parents will accept a boundary when you put your foot down, and > others will buck and rear or become genuinely angry, upset or hurt. > > There are a lot of good books out there now about setting boundaries, > about handling difficult people, etc. > > You'll just have to find the technique that works best for you. But rest > assured that you are doing nothing wrong, and so you have nothing to feel > guilty about. You are not responsible for your bpd parents' feelings, for > keeping them happy; that's their job and their feelings are theirs to own. > > Best of luck to you, and its really good that you're getting a handle on > " handling " your bpd parents earlier in life. Thumb's up! > > -Annie > > > > > > > I'm on my own now, full-time job, living away from home. I'm under 26 > meaning that I could still be on my parent's insurance plan if I wanted to. > I could also be on mine. I don't make a lot of money, so they're trying to > help me out keeping me on their plan. > > > > It's nice and all but, if I'm on their plan then: > > -They can find out I'm in therapy > > -They can find out I'm on meds > > Both of which I need as I recover from an earlier life with them and > work to build a better sense of myself. > > > > If they find out I'm in therapy/meds they use it as a weakness to target > me and say how I have so many " problems " I can't talk to them about (I > wonder why...) > > > > So yeah, it would be cheaper to stay on their plan, but for my own > sanity it just won't work. I'd rather fork over an extra hundred or so > dollars more per month and protect my sanity. > > > > What is a good way to tell them that I want my own insurance plan > without sounding like I'm abandoning them or being really sketchy about it/ > won't tell them why? I know their abandonment stuff is going to kick in as > I individuate myself away from them...sigh. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 12, 2011 Report Share Posted November 12, 2011 Thanks so much - - I appreciate every word of that response. You definitely cleared up the FOG; no, I am doing nothing wrong by wanting to pay myself, and at the very least I am saving them some money!! > > > > I'm on my own now, full-time job, living away from home. I'm under 26 meaning that I could still be on my parent's insurance plan if I wanted to. I could also be on mine. I don't make a lot of money, so they're trying to help me out keeping me on their plan. > > > > It's nice and all but, if I'm on their plan then: > > -They can find out I'm in therapy > > -They can find out I'm on meds > > Both of which I need as I recover from an earlier life with them and work to build a better sense of myself. > > > > If they find out I'm in therapy/meds they use it as a weakness to target me and say how I have so many " problems " I can't talk to them about (I wonder why...) > > > > So yeah, it would be cheaper to stay on their plan, but for my own sanity it just won't work. I'd rather fork over an extra hundred or so dollars more per month and protect my sanity. > > > > What is a good way to tell them that I want my own insurance plan without sounding like I'm abandoning them or being really sketchy about it/ won't tell them why? I know their abandonment stuff is going to kick in as I individuate myself away from them...sigh. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 I feel so strongly about being stalked by my parents that I put medical " No tell " orders in advance wherever I go. I literally name the relationship, the person, and detail the request. " Do NOT transfer information as to my where-abouts, attendance, show or no show, plan of treatment, anything to a family member. " Hospitals are good about this particularly, if you are rushed in for an emergency and you asked, or if you have a planned surgery - you can ask the hospital to release no information. The family gets stone-walled at the admissions desk. Even after you get your own plan, what's keeping their curiosity from still finding out things about you? That's kind of what's on my plate. They did use what they found out to declare themselves as perfect, no longer in need of looking to adjust their own language or look after their personal growth. It was all me, all the time, and the insanity level kicked way up. Private or company-based insurance at the age of 26 sounds so reasonable. What happens there is that your medical activities sometimes make it into the conversation at work. Then that can migrate through the group, and transference will give the feeling the 'parent' peeking over your shoulder is happening all over again. To tell the truth, the schizophrenics don't have it all wrong when they act so differently in different situations. The work person HAS to get it firm in her mind that some topics are moved way off to another inner sanctuary. Then leave them there and make each time you visit there a special occasion. Private, with the right private people, without satisfying other needs. When you go to do medical, do only medical. That way, nothing complicates and you regain your power. You take charge, post up stakes, get a comfortable jocularity for the nosy people that dissuades them or clearly doesn't answer the question, and you make clear choices about the life you are building. The clearer your build, the less heavy others are. They come over looking to swamp on you? You might take on a little water, but you'll keep sailing. Cheers. Scarlet > > I'm on my own now, full-time job, living away from home. I'm under 26 meaning that I could still be on my parent's insurance plan if I wanted to. I could also be on mine. I don't make a lot of money, so they're trying to help me out keeping me on their plan. > > It's nice and all but, if I'm on their plan then: > -They can find out I'm in therapy > -They can find out I'm on meds > Both of which I need as I recover from an earlier life with them and work to build a better sense of myself. > > If they find out I'm in therapy/meds they use it as a weakness to target me and say how I have so many " problems " I can't talk to them about (I wonder why...) > > So yeah, it would be cheaper to stay on their plan, but for my own sanity it just won't work. I'd rather fork over an extra hundred or so dollars more per month and protect my sanity. > > What is a good way to tell them that I want my own insurance plan without sounding like I'm abandoning them or being really sketchy about it/ won't tell them why? I know their abandonment stuff is going to kick in as I individuate myself away from them...sigh. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 I guess I think about it two-ways. If you have children, or get married, the insurance question comes up all over again. Insurance isn't optional, but it is a very nice way to treat family. Your parents have done right by you, and now your company is offering to purchase and manage the policy. Later you'll offer to manage and purchase the policy for your family and/or your own employees if you have them. In the end the whole " we're doing this because it's nice, and you're not nice for growing a new relationship with your work company " , because a moot question. You are nice for growing a new relationship with your company, and there isn't a company alive that doesn't see its head count as family. It's a new family. You in marriage will be a third new family. It's not individuation all the way if you work too hard to make the parents feel 'okay now' that you're exploring and expanding. Because depending on the company policy isn't completely self-sufficient either. It's saying " I trust the new company has purchased a good new policy, and I'd like that better. " That's the bottom line. It's your body, your health, your privacy, and your " new family " company policy has better benefits. Namely better privacy, and better autonomy. Also the excitement of a new policy! And new doctors and new cards! And new Hiipa statements! Pay for the better policy then I guess, eh? > > > > > > What is a good way to tell them that I want my own insurance plan without sounding like I'm abandoning them or being really sketchy about it/ won't tell them why? I know their abandonment stuff is going to kick in as I individuate myself away from them...sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Quick question on newlife's insurance issue. Doesn't the parent's policy need to be canceled in order for them to " save " money? Is there a break in the price of the premium, only if the parents take her off the plan? It might be good newlife, to make a call to parent's insurance as you prepare to enroll at work to see how that works. Then tell your folks after you make the switch for the better benefits. Privacy is an important benefit worth paying for! Best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.