An interesting and eye-opening nada encounter

[Guest guest]

While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the client's

elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... ) dropped by her

office to visit. My client is a very, very successful individual who partners

with her husband in a creative type of business, and they have two grown kids, a

very lovely home, etc.

I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude toward

her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects in

progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive and

downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in stride.

She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in her

criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a gentle

way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this interaction, and by

the fact that apparently none of the hurtful, dismissive things that her mother

said to her were bothering " J " . At least outwardly; possibly my being there was

a factor.

So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother and wife,

who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my own nada

demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and happy... and my

client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not generous with praise, not

telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has come by twice now when I've

been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands devastated and

crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms slide off me; I guess

because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was never good enough and no

matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and disappointing. My client on the

other hand has abundant proof that she is definitely highly successful in

several areas, and so her nada's criticisms and verbalized disappointment are

like an ant attacking an elephant: meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not me: we

are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to be

successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but our

real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the power

seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very narcissistic

behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough " but

never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free of

nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced

Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their

maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Thank you for sharing these observations. It does give me hope that I too can

get to what your friend seems to have done. I have been certianly effected

negatively by my nada's criticisms in the past and not been able to let things

roll as your client at least can in public. I imagine somewhere inside her she

struggles as we do, but has managed to get to a healthy place with her nada. I

am impressed.

Is what your client does with her nada what some on this site would call it

medium chill? She didn't let her nada take her joy or power away, yet she could

interact with her and even have her at work!

Again, thanks for sharing. Truly helpful.

>

> While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the client's

elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... ) dropped by her

office to visit. My client is a very, very successful individual who partners

with her husband in a creative type of business, and they have two grown kids, a

very lovely home, etc.

>

> I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude toward

her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

>

> My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects in

progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive and

downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

>

> I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in

stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in her

criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a gentle

way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this interaction, and by

the fact that apparently none of the hurtful, dismissive things that her mother

said to her were bothering " J " . At least outwardly; possibly my being there was

a factor.

>

> So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother and

wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my own nada

demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and happy... and my

client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not generous with praise, not

telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has come by twice now when I've

been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

>

> The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands devastated and

crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms slide off me; I guess

because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was never good enough and no

matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and disappointing. My client on the

other hand has abundant proof that she is definitely highly successful in

several areas, and so her nada's criticisms and verbalized disappointment are

like an ant attacking an elephant: meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

>

> Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not me:

we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to be

successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but our

real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

>

> Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the power

seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very narcissistic

behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

>

> I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough " but

never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free of

nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced

Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their

maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I would say that my client " J " was utilizing " Medium Chill " on her nada.

Although " J " was gently " zinging " her nada back a little, criticizing nada in

return (but very gently), which is not part of " Medium Chill " ... the way " J " was

mostly just ignoring or deflecting her nada's negativity and not getting

emotional at all about any of it (at least outwardly) is definitely part of the

" Medium Chill " technique, for sure.

So, yeah, I guess the lesson is that once we can stop buying into nada's world

view that we will never be good enough, it gets easier to just not let anything

nada says impact us.

Nada's opinion of us no longer counts for anything, because nada is hateful and

mean and most important of all, she's just plain old wrong! Its a process of

becoming emotionally detached from nada, so that no matter what nada does or

says, whether nada is acting nice to us at the moment, or whether she is

attempting to shame or hurt us, or whether she is attempting to manipulate us

with FOG, whatever....it simply Does Not Matter anymore.

-Annie

> >

> > While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the

client's elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... ) dropped by

her office to visit. My client is a very, very successful individual who

partners with her husband in a creative type of business, and they have two

grown kids, a very lovely home, etc.

> >

> > I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude

toward her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

> >

> > My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects in

progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive and

downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

> >

> > I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in

stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in her

criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a gentle

way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this interaction, and by

the fact that apparently none of the hurtful, dismissive things that her mother

said to her were bothering " J " . At least outwardly; possibly my being there was

a factor.

> >

> > So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother and

wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my own nada

demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and happy... and my

client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not generous with praise, not

telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has come by twice now when I've

been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

> >

> > The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands devastated

and crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms slide off me; I

guess because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was never good enough and

no matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and disappointing. My client on the

other hand has abundant proof that she is definitely highly successful in

several areas, and so her nada's criticisms and verbalized disappointment are

like an ant attacking an elephant: meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

> >

> > Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not me:

we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to be

successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but our

real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

> >

> > Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the

power seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very narcissistic

behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

> >

> > I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough " but

never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free of

nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced

Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their

maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I am working on it, the medium chill, but it is work.

Thanks,

> > >

> > > While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the

client's elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... ) dropped by

her office to visit. My client is a very, very successful individual who

partners with her husband in a creative type of business, and they have two

grown kids, a very lovely home, etc.

> > >

> > > I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude

toward her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

> > >

> > > My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects in

progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive and

downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

> > >

> > > I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in

stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in her

criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a gentle

way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this interaction, and by

the fact that apparently none of the hurtful, dismissive things that her mother

said to her were bothering " J " . At least outwardly; possibly my being there was

a factor.

> > >

> > > So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother and

wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my own nada

demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and happy... and my

client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not generous with praise, not

telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has come by twice now when I've

been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

> > >

> > > The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands devastated

and crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms slide off me; I

guess because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was never good enough and

no matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and disappointing. My client on the

other hand has abundant proof that she is definitely highly successful in

several areas, and so her nada's criticisms and verbalized disappointment are

like an ant attacking an elephant: meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not

me: we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to be

successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but our

real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

> > >

> > > Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the

power seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very narcissistic

behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

> > >

> > > I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough "

but never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free of

nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced

Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their

maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

> > >

> > > -Annie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" I probably always was " good enough " but never believed it. I am so in awe of

those who are able to break free of nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced

lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar

independently and achieve their maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a

nada. "

yes, me too. I wish I could have always let it roll off my back, all her

criticisms and negativity.

I was wondering, Annie, do you think J's mother was different as she was growing

up and became a harpy now in her older years? Maybe that's why J wasn't as

affected by it?

Either way, J's refusal to let her mother's crap get to her is very impressive.

>

> While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the client's

elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... ) dropped by her

office to visit. My client is a very, very successful individual who partners

with her husband in a creative type of business, and they have two grown kids, a

very lovely home, etc.

>

> I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude toward

her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

>

> My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects in

progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive and

downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

>

> I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in

stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in her

criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a gentle

way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this interaction, and by

the fact that apparently none of the hurtful, dismissive things that her mother

said to her were bothering " J " . At least outwardly; possibly my being there was

a factor.

>

> So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother and

wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my own nada

demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and happy... and my

client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not generous with praise, not

telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has come by twice now when I've

been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

>

> The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands devastated and

crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms slide off me; I guess

because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was never good enough and no

matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and disappointing. My client on the

other hand has abundant proof that she is definitely highly successful in

several areas, and so her nada's criticisms and verbalized disappointment are

like an ant attacking an elephant: meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

>

> Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not me:

we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to be

successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but our

real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

>

> Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the power

seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very narcissistic

behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

>

> I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough " but

never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free of

nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced

Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their

maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Several things crossed my mind while reading this:

1 - What Fiona said - sometimes when people get critical and harpy as a result

of being elderly (not lifelong behavior patterns) their children have the

strength to react like that.

2- Definitely could have been she was stronger because you were there and she

was hiding the hurt.

3- If her mother really was a " nada " her whole life, I have seen this sort of

strength most often from children who had a loving and " normal " parent in the

home that was able to meet that child's emotional needs in a healthy way and

counter some of the damage from the PD parent.

Not that I have observed a ton of family dynamics, but the few people I know who

blow me over with their ability to react this way to crappy parents usually fit

one of those 3 categories, IMO.

And then I was laughing too. Because if I ever so much as tease my nada in any

shape form or fashion, she puffs up like a bull frog and either storms out of

the room in a rage or starts hysterically crying and accusing me of being mean

to her.

So I cannot tease with her AT ALL.

Even medium chill sets her off most of the time.

Kudos to " J " . Thanks for sharing Annie!

> >

> > While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the

client's elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... ) dropped by

her office to visit. My client is a very, very successful individual who

partners with her husband in a creative type of business, and they have two

grown kids, a very lovely home, etc.

> >

> > I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude

toward her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

> >

> > My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects in

progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive and

downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

> >

> > I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in

stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in her

criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a gentle

way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this interaction, and by

the fact that apparently none of the hurtful, dismissive things that her mother

said to her were bothering " J " . At least outwardly; possibly my being there was

a factor.

> >

> > So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother and

wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my own nada

demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and happy... and my

client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not generous with praise, not

telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has come by twice now when I've

been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

> >

> > The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands devastated

and crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms slide off me; I

guess because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was never good enough and

no matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and disappointing. My client on the

other hand has abundant proof that she is definitely highly successful in

several areas, and so her nada's criticisms and verbalized disappointment are

like an ant attacking an elephant: meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

> >

> > Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not me:

we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to be

successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but our

real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

> >

> > Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the

power seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very narcissistic

behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

> >

> > I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough " but

never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free of

nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced

Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their

maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wondered the same thing, Fi, it seems that if you grow up with a good

enough mother, who then gets hit on the head or something and becomes a

nightmare, perhaps you would be better prepared to deal with it.

> **

>

>

> " I probably always was " good enough " but never believed it. I am so in awe

> of those who are able to break free of nada-induced self-doubt and

> nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced Fear, Obligation and

> Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their maximum potential

> ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada. "

>

> yes, me too. I wish I could have always let it roll off my back, all her

> criticisms and negativity.

>

> I was wondering, Annie, do you think J's mother was different as she was

> growing up and became a harpy now in her older years? Maybe that's why J

> wasn't as affected by it?

>

> Either way, J's refusal to let her mother's crap get to her is very

> impressive.

>

>

> >

> > While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the

> client's elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... )

> dropped by her office to visit. My client is a very, very successful

> individual who partners with her husband in a creative type of business,

> and they have two grown kids, a very lovely home, etc.

> >

> > I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude

> toward her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

> >

> > My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects

> in progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive

> and downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

> >

> > I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in

> stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in

> her criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a

> gentle way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this

> interaction, and by the fact that apparently none of the hurtful,

> dismissive things that her mother said to her were bothering " J " . At least

> outwardly; possibly my being there was a factor.

> >

> > So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother

> and wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my

> own nada demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and

> happy... and my client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not

> generous with praise, not telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has

> come by twice now when I've been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

> >

> > The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands

> devastated and crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms

> slide off me; I guess because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was

> never good enough and no matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and

> disappointing. My client on the other hand has abundant proof that she is

> definitely highly successful in several areas, and so her nada's criticisms

> and verbalized disappointment are like an ant attacking an elephant:

> meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

> >

> > Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not

> me: we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to

> be successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but

> our real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

> >

> > Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the

> power seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very

> narcissistic behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

> >

> > I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough "

> but never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free

> of nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and

> nada-induced Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and

> achieve their maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG my nada reacted the same to teasing.

> **

>

>

> Several things crossed my mind while reading this:

>

> 1 - What Fiona said - sometimes when people get critical and harpy as a

> result of being elderly (not lifelong behavior patterns) their children

> have the strength to react like that.

>

> 2- Definitely could have been she was stronger because you were there and

> she was hiding the hurt.

>

> 3- If her mother really was a " nada " her whole life, I have seen this sort

> of strength most often from children who had a loving and " normal " parent

> in the home that was able to meet that child's emotional needs in a healthy

> way and counter some of the damage from the PD parent.

> Not that I have observed a ton of family dynamics, but the few people I

> know who blow me over with their ability to react this way to crappy

> parents usually fit one of those 3 categories, IMO.

>

> And then I was laughing too. Because if I ever so much as tease my nada in

> any shape form or fashion, she puffs up like a bull frog and either storms

> out of the room in a rage or starts hysterically crying and accusing me of

> being mean to her.

> So I cannot tease with her AT ALL.

>

> Even medium chill sets her off most of the time.

>

> Kudos to " J " . Thanks for sharing Annie!

>

>

>

> > >

> > > While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the

> client's elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... )

> dropped by her office to visit. My client is a very, very successful

> individual who partners with her husband in a creative type of business,

> and they have two grown kids, a very lovely home, etc.

> > >

> > > I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude

> toward her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

> > >

> > > My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects

> in progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive

> and downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

> > >

> > > I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this

> in stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory

> in her criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in

> a gentle way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this

> interaction, and by the fact that apparently none of the hurtful,

> dismissive things that her mother said to her were bothering " J " . At least

> outwardly; possibly my being there was a factor.

> > >

> > > So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother

> and wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my

> own nada demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and

> happy... and my client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not

> generous with praise, not telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has

> come by twice now when I've been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

> > >

> > > The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands

> devastated and crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms

> slide off me; I guess because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was

> never good enough and no matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and

> disappointing. My client on the other hand has abundant proof that she is

> definitely highly successful in several areas, and so her nada's criticisms

> and verbalized disappointment are like an ant attacking an elephant:

> meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its

> not me: we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try

> to be successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends ,

> but our real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

> > >

> > > Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in

> the power seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very

> narcissistic behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

> > >

> > > I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good

> enough " but never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to

> break free of nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem

> (and nada-induced Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently

> and achieve their maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

> > >

> > > -Annie

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's a great question! I'll see if I can somehow bring that up when I meet

with my client " J " again, if the opportunity presents itself. Its kind of

semi-inappropriate to get too personal, ask personal questions when its a

client-consultant relationship. But I'd be very interested to know the answer

to that question, myself. But if I can find out, I will certainly share it

here. That WOULD make a big difference if " J " 's mother had been sweet,

supportive, kind, empathetic and nurturing (aka mentally healthy and

non-personality disordered) when " J " was growing up and only changed recently

due to Alzheimer's or a stroke or something.

-Annie

> >

> > While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the

client's elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... ) dropped by

her office to visit. My client is a very, very successful individual who

partners with her husband in a creative type of business, and they have two

grown kids, a very lovely home, etc.

> >

> > I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude

toward her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

> >

> > My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects in

progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive and

downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

> >

> > I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in

stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in her

criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a gentle

way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this interaction, and by

the fact that apparently none of the hurtful, dismissive things that her mother

said to her were bothering " J " . At least outwardly; possibly my being there was

a factor.

> >

> > So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother and

wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my own nada

demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and happy... and my

client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not generous with praise, not

telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has come by twice now when I've

been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

> >

> > The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands devastated

and crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms slide off me; I

guess because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was never good enough and

no matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and disappointing. My client on the

other hand has abundant proof that she is definitely highly successful in

several areas, and so her nada's criticisms and verbalized disappointment are

like an ant attacking an elephant: meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

> >

> > Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not me:

we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to be

successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but our

real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

> >

> > Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the

power seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very narcissistic

behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

> >

> > I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough " but

never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free of

nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced

Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their

maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, both you and Fiona have some very thoughtful and valid insights on

this. I am now fascinated to know more of my client J's " back story " re her

mother and her growing-up years. And yes, I had a feeling that my presence

might have affected how they were interacting with each other; J might have

reacted differently if she'd been alone with her " nada. "

But I have to say that the way J's mother behaved: the sort of disparaging,

superior tone of voice, the nit-picking criticisms, the argumentativeness...

damn, that sure was familiar.

-Annie

> > >

> > > While working with one of my clients last week in her home-office the

client's elderly mother (who is in her 80's but still driving... ) dropped by

her office to visit. My client is a very, very successful individual who

partners with her husband in a creative type of business, and they have two

grown kids, a very lovely home, etc.

> > >

> > > I was struck at the mother's critical, negative behaviors and attitude

toward her daughter... this woman was behaving just like a nada!

> > >

> > > My client " J " was showing her mother various parts of various projects in

progress, and her mother was being rather openly critical and dismissive and

downright argumentative with my client about this or that piece.

> > >

> > > I was fascinated that my client " J " seemed to be just taking all this in

stride. She teased her nada in a gentle way for being self-contradictory in her

criticisms of something " J " had written. She even teased her nada in a gentle

way about being hard of hearing! I was fascinated by this interaction, and by

the fact that apparently none of the hurtful, dismissive things that her mother

said to her were bothering " J " . At least outwardly; possibly my being there was

a factor.

> > >

> > > So, here is my client, a lovely and successful business woman, mother and

wife, who is famous in her line of work: " J " is ALL the things that my own nada

demanded that I become in order to make her proud of me and happy... and my

client's nada is not happy with her; not sweet, not generous with praise, not

telling " J " how wonderful she is. (The nada has come by twice now when I've

been there, and behaved similarly both times.)

> > >

> > > The difference is that my nada's high expectations and demands devastated

and crushed me; I was never able to just let her criticisms slide off me; I

guess because I bought into my nada's opinions that I was never good enough and

no matter what I achieved, it was mediocre and disappointing. My client on the

other hand has abundant proof that she is definitely highly successful in

several areas, and so her nada's criticisms and verbalized disappointment are

like an ant attacking an elephant: meaningless. Silly, hateful old nada.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I thought I'd share that as an example that its not you, its not

me: we are not bad people. We are OK people. We do our best and we try to be

successful in our careers, in caring for our families and friends , but our

real achievements will still not make nada happy with us.

> > >

> > > Nada needs to criticize and be unpleasable because that puts her in the

power seat, the superior position, like a " boss. " Its very, very narcissistic

behavior and can be very, very toxic to a nada's kids.

> > >

> > > I guess what I'm getting at is that I probably always was " good enough "

but never believed it. I am so in awe of those who are able to break free of

nada-induced self-doubt and nada-induced lack of self-esteem (and nada-induced

Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and just soar independently and achieve their

maximum potential ANYWAY. In spite of having a nada.

> > >

> > > -Annie

> > >

> >

>