Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 Hugs and welcome. Sounds like a very " normal' BPD family - the spilitting, scapegoating, and fact that you " make her sick. " I hope you find a lot of comfort here. I have. Girlscout > ** > > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a > good group to join. > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from > my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over > the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no > amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to > remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know > all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going > back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the > years. > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released > from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been > living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her > since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set > a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse > her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm > of retaliation. > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very > trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one > who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has > basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and > that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do > any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her > (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate > right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good > books when she draws up her will. > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe > person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was > casuing her to be sick. > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot > stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with > them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to > protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages > and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked > away unscathed. > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the > craziness of this. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2011 Report Share Posted November 13, 2011 Koko, Welcome. I am sorry to hear about your situation and your recent stress with your nada being in the hospital and sick, and all that that has brought into your life, which is complicated enough. It sounds as if you have tried to be there for your nada all along and have gotten the brunt of her rages. If she has decided to rely on your brothers now you cannot tell her what to do. Know that all you can do right now is take care of your emotional and physical health/safety. It sounds as if you've set a healthy boundry with your nada for when she gets home. If your brothers want to step up, for honorable reasons or less honorable, and you have expressed your concerns about them to your nada, that is all you can do at this point. If you feel she is really not safe with one of your brothers, is this something you can express to your other brother so he can be aware and keep an eye? Or perhaps another relative? My guess is probably not because of all the dysfunction. What kind of unsafe are you worried about, actually physically unsafe or emotional, or something else? If you are really concerned at any point you could call the police and ask that they do a wellness check on your mom. Would this help? I guess at this point I would imagine going " medium chill " with your nada and brothers is best, if possible. I am by no means an expert, but as I understand this practice, if you could try and not let anything they do or say hurt you or enrage you - have it be neutral to you - not let them have any power over you - it would be ideal. You could call your nada dialy for a check in and to say hi so she hears you and you can relay to her that you do love her. Only do whatever else you feel willing and able to do within the boundry you have set with her. And no matter what any of them say ,or do do not let them guilt or shame you. Try and not take anything personally - just deal in facts and reality. IF she rages at you over the phone just remind her that you do love her but that you cannot listen when she yells at you or is disrespectful and that you need to go and will speak with her when she is reasonable, etc. You may have to practice saying this by yourself first. AS far as your brothers , pretty much the same. You need to protect yourself, and if you feel your nada is in danger all you can do is either tell her what you think - the facts and not getting sucked into the crap, or call the police, or better yet tell your brother you are calling the police if need be. Obviously I do not know you or your situation well enough to tell you what to do, but my message is take care of you and don't let any of them hurt you anymore. And if you feel your nada is in danger do what you need to do. I am guessing your brothers will last not very long as caring for your nada will be difficult. I feel your anguish, anger and pain at the realization of your lifetime of hurt and pain and anger at the loss of what you thought you might have had, but don't. I won't bore you with all my details, but I can so relate to feeling forgotten and betrayed and " punished " after years of being there for nada, and " being in a den of theives " I totally understand. You need to know that no matter how much you do or how good you are she will not change. Take care of you and do what you can for nada, within your boundries, but you can not run her life nor make her decisions. You need to put up a wall to protect your heart and mind. You are important and deserve respect and love. Best to you, > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 (((Koko))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I could feel it as I read your post. Your mother truly doesn't appreciate you and all you're doing for her in her illness. I know she has cancer, but in a way, she IS cancer. She is being cancerous and toxic to you. If it were me, i would strongly consider, for my own well-being, taking a break from her. It's up to you how long that break is. Hey, she asked you to get out b/c you were making her sick, right? Give the lady what she wants. You need perspective and being in this situation with her toxicity, your one brother's enmeshment with her, and your other brother's nastiness is not helping. Even a 2-week break from her might help. I wish you the best. Please know I'm not saying you should do what I'm saying. It's just what I would consider doing. Her illness complicates things, of course. If you're not already, maybe you could also consider seeing a therapist to help you sift through all your feelings right now. Stay with us for support, Koko. We're here for you. Fiona > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 Thank you - what beautiful words of support > > > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. > > > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. > > > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. > > > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. > > > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. > > > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. > > > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 Hi Fiona - thank you I have been in and out of therapy for MANY years as a result of my mother. This relationship has tormented me since birth. Well my boundaries about not getting hoovered back in with guilt are being tested - my enmeshed brother sent a text that he was at the hospital with my mother at 1 am. I had turned my phone off so didn't get it. Seems the reason she was in the hospital was that she was having a funny turn from all the stress I have put on her!!!! LOL didn't know I was that powerful. His latest text said that it may be due to her blood counts being out from the surgery. I am actually not concerned so much about her at the moment but my 2 cats who are up there with her. So I told my brother that I could go up to look after them and it seems he said it would be best not to as she is quite stressed at the moment(we all know whose message her is delivering!) This is the insanity these women create! I knew she would pull something on me because I said that I was not going to move in with her to care for her post - surgery (that is what home care nurses are for.) I have given her years of care and cared for ALL aspects of her home at the cost of my career and personal health to her - only to receive this treatment. I am so glad I joined this group!!!!! You are right Fiona - she is cancer. I have already battled breast cancer myself in 2009 - I don't want it anymore. Sometimes I think the breast cancer was a manifestation of the anger, stress and toxicity she has created. Koko > > > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. > > > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. > > > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. > > > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. > > > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. > > > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. > > > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 I think that prolonged psychological abuse and stress does affect our bodies in harmful ways like that. I wish you much strength and courage in finding a workable solution to your nada's situation that does NOT involve further abuse of yourself. You deserve to have a life too, and in my opinion you get to pass the " baton " of being the family scapegoat onto one of your sibs & see how they like having that job. -Annie > > > > > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. > > > > > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. > > > > > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. > > > > > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > > > > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. > > > > > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. > > > > > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. > > > > > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 I think it caused physical manifestations as well. Since dealing with a terrible situation w/ my family my husband has been dealing with ongoing health problems and chronic pain. I know that it is because of the stress. I'm sure he has a genetic predisposition or something, but the timing of it all was no coincidence. I don't want to give too many details but it involved money, his career, our unborn child, divorce, mental institutions,verbal abuse. People like this are like a cancer and regardless of whether or not their intent is evil they create an unbelievably unhealthy level of stress in people's lives. I think for my husband he was so shocked by the insanity that it almost affected him more than me, or at least in a very different way. He was also trying so hard to protect me from them, and at the time our unborn child, that he was consumed with anger and frustration. I think it was towards them primarily, but also at me because at the time I was still being controlled by the guilt and manipulation and naive thinking that somehow I could change them by being perfect enough. To this day their influence has left a negative mark on our marriage. We are trying hard to work through it, but he's incapable of understanding why I " let " it affect me so much. > > > > > > > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. > > > > > > > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. > > > > > > > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. > > > > > > > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > > > > > > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. > > > > > > > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. > > > > > > > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. > > > > > > > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hi - you did a perfect job of summarizing the craziness. It is an all to familiar story and I am sorry you are going through this - you must feel very trapped. I know exactly what you mean when you say that your mother's rages and abuse have been directed at you and I know it makes it more difficult to bear because I'm sure you see that she seems to be able to turn her craziness on and off depending on who is around. This has been my problem because I get all the anger and crazy blow-ups and my sister gets none of it and says things like " I don't know why you have such a problem with Mom - she doesn't do these things to me. " I know you must feel infuriated at your Mom and your brothers and I also know that you must feel very isolated. Again - I am so sorry this is happening to you when you are clearly trying to do the right thing for your Mom. The fact that your Mom is ill must make this so much worse for you. My situation is similar because my Mom is 89 and I feel like I can't walk away and I also feel that I am in a " den of thieves " like you said. I feel like relatives are around just to take what they can get when my Mom dies. The best advice I can give you (and I am not always able to do this myself) is just say to yourself that you are doing the best you can. Some days you have more to give than other days when you are just worn out. Some days you will be angry and you may think everyone in your life sucks. Then you may beat yourself up for feeling that way. Just cut yourself some slack. It's okay to retreat from the situation and find time to give yourself some piece. It's nice to hear from a fellow cat lover - I know my cats mean the world to me and provide me with so much comfort. I hope there is a way out for you soon so that you can have the life you deserve. Be strong, Tag > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Thank you Tag - your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am stepping back right now from her and letting my brothers (since they can do no wrong in her eyes) do some of the work around her house and care for her. I was up at her house on Saturday feeding the cats when one of my brothers showed up and I just left. I cannot be around her especially when one of them is there as it usually ends up with one or the other making a stab at me or trying to do the old " two against one " and I cannot stand it. This is the way it is now but I thank you for your hope that there is a way out of this soon. Koko Re: Can't keep doing this Hi - you did a perfect job of summarizing the craziness. It is an all to familiar story and I am sorry you are going through this - you must feel very trapped. I know exactly what you mean when you say that your mother's rages and abuse have been directed at you and I know it makes it more difficult to bear because I'm sure you see that she seems to be able to turn her craziness on and off depending on who is around. This has been my problem because I get all the anger and crazy blow-ups and my sister gets none of it and says things like " I don't know why you have such a problem with Mom - she doesn't do these things to me. " I know you must feel infuriated at your Mom and your brothers and I also know that you must feel very isolated. Again - I am so sorry this is happening to you when you are clearly trying to do the right thing for your Mom. The fact that your Mom is ill must make this so much worse for you. My situation is similar because my Mom is 89 and I feel like I can't walk away and I also feel that I am in a " den of thieves " like you said. I feel like relatives are around just to take what they can get when my Mom dies. The best advice I can give you (and I am not always able to do this myself) is just say to yourself that you are doing the best you can. Some days you have more to give than other days when you are just worn out. Some days you will be angry and you may think everyone in your life sucks. Then you may beat yourself up for feeling that way. Just cut yourself some slack. It's okay to retreat from the situation and find time to give yourself some piece. It's nice to hear from a fellow cat lover - I know my cats mean the world to me and provide me with so much comfort. I hope there is a way out for you soon so that you can have the life you deserve. Be strong, Tag > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good group to join. > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the years. > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation. > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful brothers are stepping up! > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she draws up her will. > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to be sick. > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed. > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of this. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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