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Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good

group to join.

I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my

mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone

how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from

hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there.

Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not

been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her

that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some

home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very trauma

bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any

work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has

cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is

that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person

to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to

be sick.

If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand

anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have

always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her

tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers

have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness of

this.

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Hugs and welcome. Sounds like a very " normal' BPD family - the spilitting,

scapegoating, and fact that you " make her sick. "

I hope you find a lot of comfort here. I have. Girlscout

> **

>

>

> Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a

> good group to join.

>

> I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from

> my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over

> the phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no

> amount of sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to

> remind me that she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know

> all this on an intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going

> back to her thinking she will get how much I have done for her over the

> years.

>

> The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released

> from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been

> living there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her

> since I have not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set

> a boundary telling her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse

> her as she needed to get some home help. I knew this would set off a storm

> of retaliation.

>

> She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

> trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one

> who has recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has

> basically tossed me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and

> that my wonderful brothers are stepping up!

>

> What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do

> any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her

> (she has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate

> right now is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good

> books when she draws up her will.

>

> When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe

> person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was

> casuing her to be sick.

>

> If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot

> stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with

> them. I have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to

> protect me from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages

> and abuse). My brothers have learned to play her game and always walked

> away unscathed.

>

> Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the

> craziness of this.

>

>

>

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Koko,

Welcome. I am sorry to hear about your situation and your recent stress with

your nada being in the hospital and sick, and all that that has brought into

your life, which is complicated enough.

It sounds as if you have tried to be there for your nada all along and have

gotten the brunt of her rages. If she has decided to rely on your brothers now

you cannot tell her what to do.

Know that all you can do right now is take care of your emotional and physical

health/safety. It sounds as if you've set a healthy boundry with your nada for

when she gets home.

If your brothers want to step up, for honorable reasons or less honorable, and

you have expressed your concerns about them to your nada, that is all you can do

at this point. If you feel she is really not safe with one of your brothers, is

this something you can express to your other brother so he can be aware and keep

an eye? Or perhaps another relative? My guess is probably not because of all the

dysfunction.

What kind of unsafe are you worried about, actually physically unsafe or

emotional, or something else? If you are really concerned at any point you could

call the police and ask that they do a wellness check on your mom. Would this

help?

I guess at this point I would imagine going " medium chill " with your nada and

brothers is best, if possible. I am by no means an expert, but as I understand

this practice, if you could try and not let anything they do or say hurt you or

enrage you - have it be neutral to you - not let them have any power over you -

it would be ideal. You could call your nada dialy for a check in and to say hi

so she hears you and you can relay to her that you do love her. Only do whatever

else you feel willing and able to do within the boundry you have set with her.

And no matter what any of them say ,or do do not let them guilt or shame you.

Try and not take anything personally - just deal in facts and reality. IF she

rages at you over the phone just remind her that you do love her but that you

cannot listen when she yells at you or is disrespectful and that you need to go

and will speak with her when she is reasonable, etc. You may have to practice

saying this by yourself first.

AS far as your brothers , pretty much the same. You need to protect yourself,

and if you feel your nada is in danger all you can do is either tell her what

you think - the facts and not getting sucked into the crap, or call the police,

or better yet tell your brother you are calling the police if need be. Obviously

I do not know you or your situation well enough to tell you what to do, but my

message is take care of you and don't let any of them hurt you anymore. And if

you feel your nada is in danger do what you need to do.

I am guessing your brothers will last not very long as caring for your nada will

be difficult.

I feel your anguish, anger and pain at the realization of your lifetime of hurt

and pain and anger at the loss of what you thought you might have had, but

don't. I won't bore you with all my details, but I can so relate to feeling

forgotten and betrayed and " punished " after years of being there for nada, and "

being in a den of theives " I totally understand. You need to know that no matter

how much you do or how good you are she will not change. Take care of you and do

what you can for nada, within your boundries, but you can not run her life nor

make her decisions. You need to put up a wall to protect your heart and mind.

You are important and deserve respect and love.

Best to you,

>

> Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good

group to join.

>

> I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my

mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone

how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

>

> The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from

hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there.

Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not

been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her

that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some

home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

>

> She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

>

> What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any

work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has

cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is

that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

>

> When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person

to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to

be sick.

>

> If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand

anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have

always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her

tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers

have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

>

> Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness

of this.

>

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(((Koko))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I could feel it as I read your post.

Your mother truly doesn't appreciate you and all you're doing for her in her

illness.

I know she has cancer, but in a way, she IS cancer. She is being cancerous and

toxic to you. If it were me, i would strongly consider, for my own well-being,

taking a break from her. It's up to you how long that break is. Hey, she asked

you to get out b/c you were making her sick, right? Give the lady what she

wants.

You need perspective and being in this situation with her toxicity, your one

brother's enmeshment with her, and your other brother's nastiness is not

helping. Even a 2-week break from her might help.

I wish you the best. Please know I'm not saying you should do what I'm saying.

It's just what I would consider doing. Her illness complicates things, of

course. If you're not already, maybe you could also consider seeing a therapist

to help you sift through all your feelings right now.

Stay with us for support, Koko. We're here for you.

Fiona

>

> Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good

group to join.

>

> I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my

mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone

how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

>

> The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from

hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there.

Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not

been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her

that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some

home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

>

> She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

>

> What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any

work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has

cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is

that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

>

> When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person

to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to

be sick.

>

> If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand

anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have

always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her

tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers

have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

>

> Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness

of this.

>

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Thank you - what beautiful words of support

> >

> > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a

good group to join.

> >

> > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my

mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone

how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

> >

> > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from

hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there.

Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not

been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her

that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some

home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

> >

> > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

> >

> > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any

work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has

cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is

that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

> >

> > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe

person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing

her to be sick.

> >

> > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot

stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I

have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me

from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My

brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

> >

> > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the

craziness of this.

> >

>

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Hi Fiona - thank you

I have been in and out of therapy for MANY years as a result of my mother. This

relationship has tormented me since birth.

Well my boundaries about not getting hoovered back in with guilt are being

tested - my enmeshed brother sent a text that he was at the hospital with my

mother at 1 am. I had turned my phone off so didn't get it. Seems the reason

she was in the hospital was that she was having a funny turn from all the stress

I have put on her!!!! LOL didn't know I was that powerful.

His latest text said that it may be due to her blood counts being out from the

surgery. I am actually not concerned so much about her at the moment but my 2

cats who are up there with her. So I told my brother that I could go up to look

after them and it seems he said it would be best not to as she is quite

stressed at the moment(we all know whose message her is delivering!)

This is the insanity these women create! I knew she would pull something on me

because I said that I was not going to move in with her to care for her post -

surgery (that is what home care nurses are for.) I have given her years of care

and cared for ALL aspects of her home at the cost of my career and personal

health to her - only to receive this treatment. I am so glad I joined this

group!!!!!

You are right Fiona - she is cancer. I have already battled breast cancer

myself in 2009 - I don't want it anymore. Sometimes I think the breast cancer

was a manifestation of the anger, stress and toxicity she has created.

Koko

> >

> > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a

good group to join.

> >

> > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my

mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone

how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

> >

> > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from

hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there.

Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not

been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her

that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some

home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

> >

> > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

> >

> > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any

work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has

cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is

that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

> >

> > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe

person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing

her to be sick.

> >

> > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot

stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I

have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me

from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My

brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

> >

> > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the

craziness of this.

> >

>

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I think that prolonged psychological abuse and stress does affect our bodies in

harmful ways like that. I wish you much strength and courage in finding a

workable solution to your nada's situation that does NOT involve further abuse

of yourself. You deserve to have a life too, and in my opinion you get to pass

the " baton " of being the family scapegoat onto one of your sibs & see how they

like having that job.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a

good group to join.

> > >

> > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from

my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the

phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

> > >

> > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released

from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living

there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have

not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling

her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get

some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

> > >

> > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

> > >

> > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do

any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she

has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now

is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

> > >

> > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe

person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing

her to be sick.

> > >

> > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot

stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I

have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me

from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My

brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

> > >

> > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the

craziness of this.

> > >

> >

>

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I think it caused physical manifestations as well. Since dealing with a

terrible situation w/ my family my husband has been dealing with ongoing health

problems and chronic pain. I know that it is because of the stress. I'm sure

he has a genetic predisposition or something, but the timing of it all was no

coincidence. I don't want to give too many details but it involved money, his

career, our unborn child, divorce, mental institutions,verbal abuse. People

like this are like a cancer and regardless of whether or not their intent is

evil they create an unbelievably unhealthy level of stress in people's lives. I

think for my husband he was so shocked by the insanity that it almost affected

him more than me, or at least in a very different way. He was also trying so

hard to protect me from them, and at the time our unborn child, that he was

consumed with anger and frustration. I think it was towards them primarily, but

also at me because at the time I was still being controlled by the guilt and

manipulation and naive thinking that somehow I could change them by being

perfect enough. To this day their influence has left a negative mark on our

marriage. We are trying hard to work through it, but he's incapable of

understanding why I " let " it affect me so much.

> > > >

> > > > Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a

good group to join.

> > > >

> > > > I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from

my mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the

phone how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

> > > >

> > > > The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released

from hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living

there. Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have

not been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling

her that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get

some home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

> > > >

> > > > She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

> > > >

> > > > What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do

any work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she

has cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now

is that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

> > > >

> > > > When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe

person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing

her to be sick.

> > > >

> > > > If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot

stand anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I

have always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me

from her tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My

brothers have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

> > > >

> > > > Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the

craziness of this.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

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Hi - you did a perfect job of summarizing the craziness. It is an all to

familiar story and I am sorry you are going through this - you must feel very

trapped. I know exactly what you mean when you say that your mother's rages and

abuse have been directed at you and I know it makes it more difficult to bear

because I'm sure you see that she seems to be able to turn her craziness on and

off depending on who is around. This has been my problem because I get all the

anger and crazy blow-ups and my sister gets none of it and says things like " I

don't know why you have such a problem with Mom - she doesn't do these things to

me. "

I know you must feel infuriated at your Mom and your brothers and I also know

that you must feel very isolated. Again - I am so sorry this is happening to

you when you are clearly trying to do the right thing for your Mom. The fact

that your Mom is ill must make this so much worse for you. My situation is

similar because my Mom is 89 and I feel like I can't walk away and I also feel

that I am in a " den of thieves " like you said. I feel like relatives are around

just to take what they can get when my Mom dies.

The best advice I can give you (and I am not always able to do this myself) is

just say to yourself that you are doing the best you can. Some days you have

more to give than other days when you are just worn out. Some days you will be

angry and you may think everyone in your life sucks. Then you may beat yourself

up for feeling that way. Just cut yourself some slack. It's okay to retreat

from the situation and find time to give yourself some piece. It's nice to hear

from a fellow cat lover - I know my cats mean the world to me and provide me

with so much comfort. I hope there is a way out for you soon so that you can

have the life you deserve.

Be strong,

Tag

>

> Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good

group to join.

>

> I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my

mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone

how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

>

> The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from

hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there.

Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not

been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her

that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some

home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

>

> She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

>

> What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any

work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has

cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is

that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

>

> When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe person

to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing her to

be sick.

>

> If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand

anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have

always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her

tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers

have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

>

> Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the craziness

of this.

>

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Thank you Tag - your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am stepping back

right now from her and letting my brothers (since they can do no wrong in her

eyes) do some of the work around her house and care for her. I was up at her

house on Saturday feeding the cats when one of my brothers showed up and I just

left. I cannot be around her especially when one of them is there as it usually

ends up with one or the other making a stab at me or trying to do the old " two

against one " and I cannot stand it.

This is the way it is now but I thank you for your hope that there is a way out

of this soon.

Koko

Re: Can't keep doing this

Hi - you did a perfect job of summarizing the craziness. It is an all to

familiar story and I am sorry you are going through this - you must feel very

trapped. I know exactly what you mean when you say that your mother's rages and

abuse have been directed at you and I know it makes it more difficult to bear

because I'm sure you see that she seems to be able to turn her craziness on and

off depending on who is around. This has been my problem because I get all the

anger and crazy blow-ups and my sister gets none of it and says things like " I

don't know why you have such a problem with Mom - she doesn't do these things to

me. "

I know you must feel infuriated at your Mom and your brothers and I also know

that you must feel very isolated. Again - I am so sorry this is happening to you

when you are clearly trying to do the right thing for your Mom. The fact that

your Mom is ill must make this so much worse for you. My situation is similar

because my Mom is 89 and I feel like I can't walk away and I also feel that I am

in a " den of thieves " like you said. I feel like relatives are around just to

take what they can get when my Mom dies.

The best advice I can give you (and I am not always able to do this myself) is

just say to yourself that you are doing the best you can. Some days you have

more to give than other days when you are just worn out. Some days you will be

angry and you may think everyone in your life sucks. Then you may beat yourself

up for feeling that way. Just cut yourself some slack. It's okay to retreat from

the situation and find time to give yourself some piece. It's nice to hear from

a fellow cat lover - I know my cats mean the world to me and provide me with so

much comfort. I hope there is a way out for you soon so that you can have the

life you deserve.

Be strong,

Tag

>

> Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested it as a good

group to join.

>

> I am a 46 year old who is tired of dealing with the psychotic abuse from my

mother. My friend and I talked a long time yesterday as I sobbed over the phone

how much it hurt to realize my own mother hates my guts and no amount of

sacrifice and effort and work will ever change this. She had to remind me that

she doesn't hate me - she is just incapable of it. I know all this on an

intellectual level - but on an emotional level keep going back to her thinking

she will get how much I have done for her over the years.

>

> The latest stunt she has pulled is that she has recently been released from

hospital. During that time I have looked after her house and been living there.

Part of the problem here is that my cats also stay with her since I have not

been able to find a place to rent that allows pets. I set a boundary telling her

that I would not be staying in the house to nurse her as she needed to get some

home help. I knew this would set off a storm of retaliation.

>

> She has always played me off against my 2 brothers. One of them is very

trauma bonded to her and the other is a very aggressive and scheming one who has

recently reentered her life. So in order to " punish " me she has basically tossed

me to the side by telling me she doesn't need me - and that my wonderful

brothers are stepping up!

>

> What hurts me the most is that my brothers have nerver been around to do any

work at the house or to do any of the grunt work in looking after her (she has

cancer). I feel the only reason they are stepping up to the plate right now is

that they think she might die and they want to be in her good books when she

draws up her will.

>

> When I pointed out to her yesterday that my older brother is not a safe

person to be around she told me to get out of her house and that I was casuing

her to be sick.

>

> If I could move a thousand miles away with my 2 cats I would. I cannot stand

anyone in my family and I feel like I am in a den of thieves with them. I have

always felt like this - always felt like nobody was there to protect me from her

tyrades (she has always focussed on me with her rages and abuse). My brothers

have learned to play her game and always walked away unscathed.

>

> Sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling - hard to summarize the

craziness of this.

>

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