Avoidance doesn't work forever, feel a confrontation coming

[Guest guest]

So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty voicemails on both

of my phones, I finally called my nada back Friday night.

She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not answering her

calls.

I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to remain focused and

not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God that for the first time, I did feel

very strong in that conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to accuse,

to confront but I did not engage.

Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would not be arguing

with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking to someone who

is not stable!

Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I am suspecting

another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think she has decided

she is going to try and harass me to see if that works in getting me to call her

back.

I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my boundaries, but

think I am about to have to go that route as much as I don't want to. Calling me

every single day leaving ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail

until I am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that, she is

going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone. Written

communication never goes well for me.

Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

[Guest guest]

Good luck! I think telling her that one voicemail is sufficient

until you call back is a perfectly reasonsable thing to do.

While it isn't always a good idea to detail boundaries to a

nada, some of them really need to be laid out and I think this

is one of those. Have you decided what you're going to do when

she violates this boundary, which she is almost certain to do?

There needs to be some consequence that she'll care about or

she's going to continue doing whatever she wants, not what you

want.

At 09:49 AM 11/14/2011 big_sister_03 wrote:

>So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty

>voicemails on both of my phones, I finally called my nada back

>Friday night.

>

>She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not

>answering her calls.

>

>I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to

>remain focused and not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God

>that for the first time, I did feel very strong in that

>conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to accuse, to

>confront but I did not engage.

>

>Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would

>not be arguing with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

>It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking

>to someone who is not stable!

>

>Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I

>am suspecting another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

>

>Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think

>she has decided she is going to try and harass me to see if

>that works in getting me to call her back.

>

>I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my

>boundaries, but think I am about to have to go that route as

>much as I don't want to. Calling me every single day leaving

>ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail until I am

>able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that, she

>is going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

>

>I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone.

>Written communication never goes well for me.

>

>Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Good point a.

I'll have to think on that one. I have no idea what would be a consequence she

wouldn't like.

If I say " I won't call you back " she'll retort with something about how I never

call her anyway. :-/

>

> >So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty

> >voicemails on both of my phones, I finally called my nada back

> >Friday night.

> >

> >She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not

> >answering her calls.

> >

> >I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to

> >remain focused and not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God

> >that for the first time, I did feel very strong in that

> >conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to accuse, to

> >confront but I did not engage.

> >

> >Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would

> >not be arguing with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

> >It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking

> >to someone who is not stable!

> >

> >Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I

> >am suspecting another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

> >

> >Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think

> >she has decided she is going to try and harass me to see if

> >that works in getting me to call her back.

> >

> >I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my

> >boundaries, but think I am about to have to go that route as

> >much as I don't want to. Calling me every single day leaving

> >ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail until I am

> >able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that, she

> >is going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

> >

> >I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone.

> >Written communication never goes well for me.

> >

> >Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Best of luck to you.

Have you thought about just erasing the messages without listening to them? Or,

just listening to the last one, just before you return the call at the regular

time? Then if she says something like, " I asked you about xyz three times in

my messages, why don't you know that? " Then maybe you could say, " I can't

keep track of all your messages mom; it works better for me if you leave fewer,

shorter messages. "

But I can totally understand your frustration and end-of-the-rope feeling. You

have to do what works best for you. I feel for you, anticipating the volcanic

eruption that will ensue when you set a clear boundary.

I wish you all the strength and endurance you need to get through this. And

rest assured that you are not being mean, hateful, or selfish to set a

reasonable boundary with your nada, who can only operate from her skewed

perception of reality in which you are tethered to her and her servant, at her

beck and call 24/7.

Hugs.

-Annie

>

>

> So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty voicemails on both

of my phones, I finally called my nada back Friday night.

>

> She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not answering her

calls.

>

> I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to remain focused and

not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God that for the first time, I did feel

very strong in that conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to accuse,

to confront but I did not engage.

>

> Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would not be arguing

with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

> It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking to someone who

is not stable!

>

> Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I am suspecting

another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

>

> Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think she has decided

she is going to try and harass me to see if that works in getting me to call her

back.

>

> I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my boundaries, but

think I am about to have to go that route as much as I don't want to. Calling me

every single day leaving ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail

until I am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that, she is

going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

>

> I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone. Written

communication never goes well for me.

>

> Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

>

[Guest guest]

Good luck, big sister. This sounds so much like my mother and me.

From when I got married to about 20005, she would call me about 4-6 times a day

just to talk. I felt bad if I didn't pick up. Really, the " conversations " were

for me to listen to her tell me every last, single detail about her day. Many

times I would cry at how invisible I felt around her. I felt like I was a toilet

she had emptied herself into and then walked away without a word from without a

word of thanks for listening to her long-winded, repetitive stories.

Then my father got critically ill and she would call me about 10-15 times a day.

I couldn't complain since I was handling my father's finances, etc. I couldn't

say anything. It was too much of a whirlwind time and scary, as it was clear he

was dying.

When he passed away, the 10x a day continued. There was no longer a reason to,

but she would find one. It was very, very painful. I would jump on any reason to

get mad at her so I could not call her for a few weeks. I knew that she was

going through her own pain and loneliness, but she would express it with anger

and impatience with me and my kids. She could get nasty. Also, she would get

waifish. It was a hard time for everyone.

Like you said, it's very draining to deal with someone like this.

Finally, recently, 5 years after my father's death, I wrote her this past June

and told her what she was doing that was destroying me. My mother and I will

never, ever have a true, authentic relationship or even a true conversation. i

didn't speak to her for a month and a half after I sent her that letter. We had

had a truly big rupture and I could not go back to normal. When we finally saw

each other again, she was out of sorts because I had jarred our " normalcy. " It

was very, very hard to be honest with her. She's this little, frail thing, but

she can be mean and selfish. i told her straight up, to her face, that I would

only speak with her once a week.

She was speechless. I walked away.

I think it's great that you're going to just tell your boundaries to your

mother. She will breathe fire, her head will spin off her head, she will call

you every name in the book. Whatever her response, she needs to hear what you

have to say. For years, I did what you described: not saying my boundaries out

loud. Just doing them, hoping she'd catch on. Just saying it to her is great;

you will feel more empowered having done it.

Something that worked for me in talking to my mother and speaking truth to her

(I know I'll sound crazy but here goes) was pretending that I was someone that I

work with. This person is very ALL business, no nonsense, unemotional, and to

the point. I love working with her b/c she is this way. She doesn't waste time

on small talk. So I kept reminding myself that I was her, for that moment with

my mother. It was GREAT. I didn't become little girl Fiona like I usually did

talking to her. I was Grown Up Girl, telling it like it is and not caring one

way or another if it works for you, mom. This is how it is.

I hope it goes well!

Take care,

Fiona

>

>

> So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty voicemails on both

of my phones, I finally called my nada back Friday night.

>

> She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not answering her

calls.

>

> I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to remain focused and

not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God that for the first time, I did feel

very strong in that conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to accuse,

to confront but I did not engage.

>

> Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would not be arguing

with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

> It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking to someone who

is not stable!

>

> Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I am suspecting

another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

>

> Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think she has decided

she is going to try and harass me to see if that works in getting me to call her

back.

>

> I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my boundaries, but

think I am about to have to go that route as much as I don't want to. Calling me

every single day leaving ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail

until I am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that, she is

going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

>

> I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone. Written

communication never goes well for me.

>

> Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

>

[Guest guest]

" I felt like I was a toilet she had emptied herself into and

then walked away without a word from without a word of thanks

for listening to her long-winded, repetitive stories. "

This description really hits the mark for me.

Until I started refusing to listen, my nada used to poor out all

sorts of nasty stories to me. Some of the stories were 40 or 50

years old and many of them were true only in her mind. I feel so

much better since I decided that I didn't have to subject myself

to that kind of thing.

At 09:01 AM 11/15/2011 Fiona wrote:

>Good luck, big sister. This sounds so much like my mother and

>me.

> From when I got married to about 20005, she would call me

> about 4-6 times a day just to talk. I felt bad if I didn't

> pick up. Really, the " conversations " were for me to listen to

> her tell me every last, single detail about her day. Many

> times I would cry at how invisible I felt around her. I felt

> like I was a toilet she had emptied herself into and then

> walked away without a word from without a word of thanks for

> listening to her long-winded, repetitive stories.

>

>Then my father got critically ill and she would call me about

>10-15 times a day. I couldn't complain since I was handling my

>father's finances, etc. I couldn't say anything. It was too

>much of a whirlwind time and scary, as it was clear he was

>dying.

>

>When he passed away, the 10x a day continued. There was no

>longer a reason to, but she would find one. It was very, very

>painful. I would jump on any reason to get mad at her so I

>could not call her for a few weeks. I knew that she was going

>through her own pain and loneliness, but she would express it

>with anger and impatience with me and my kids. She could get

>nasty. Also, she would get waifish. It was a hard time for

>everyone.

>

>Like you said, it's very draining to deal with someone like

>this.

>

>Finally, recently, 5 years after my father's death, I wrote her

>this past June and told her what she was doing that was

>destroying me. My mother and I will never, ever have a true,

>authentic relationship or even a true conversation. i didn't

>speak to her for a month and a half after I sent her that

>letter. We had had a truly big rupture and I could not go back

>to normal. When we finally saw each other again, she was out of

>sorts because I had jarred our " normalcy. " It was very, very

>hard to be honest with her. She's this little, frail thing, but

>she can be mean and selfish. i told her straight up, to her

>face, that I would only speak with her once a week.

>She was speechless. I walked away.

>

>I think it's great that you're going to just tell your

>boundaries to your mother. She will breathe fire, her head will

>spin off her head, she will call you every name in the book.

>Whatever her response, she needs to hear what you have to

>say. For years, I did what you described: not saying my

>boundaries out loud. Just doing them, hoping she'd catch

>on. Just saying it to her is great; you will feel more

>empowered having done it.

>

>Something that worked for me in talking to my mother and

>speaking truth to her (I know I'll sound crazy but here goes)

>was pretending that I was someone that I work with. This person

>is very ALL business, no nonsense, unemotional, and to the

>point. I love working with her b/c she is this way. She

>doesn't waste time on small talk. So I kept reminding myself

>that I was her, for that moment with my mother. It was

>GREAT. I didn't become little girl Fiona like I usually did

>talking to her. I was Grown Up Girl, telling it like it is and

>not caring one way or another if it works for you, mom. This is

>how it is.

>

>I hope it goes well!

>

>Take care,

>

>Fiona

>

>

> >

> >

> > So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty

> voicemails on both of my phones, I finally called my nada back

> Friday night.

> >

> > She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about

> not answering her calls.

> >

> > I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to

> remain focused and not allow her to get a foothold. I thank

> God that for the first time, I did feel very strong in that

> conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to accuse, to

> confront but I did not engage.

> >

> > Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I

> would not be arguing with her, it was a VERY draining

> conversation.

> > It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when

> talking to someone who is not stable!

> >

> > Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls.

> I am suspecting another week of nasty voicemails every single

> day.

> >

> > Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I

> think she has decided she is going to try and harass me to see

> if that works in getting me to call her back.

> >

> > I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my

> boundaries, but think I am about to have to go that route as

> much as I don't want to. Calling me every single day leaving

> ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail until I

> am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that,

> she is going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

> >

> > I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone.

> Written communication never goes well for me.

> >

> > Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

> >

>

>

>

>

>------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

> @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

>To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

>WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

>Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

>and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

>Groups Links

>

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

" Something that worked for me in talking to my mother and speaking truth to her

(I know I'll sound crazy but here goes) was pretending that I was someone that I

work with. This person is very ALL business, no nonsense, unemotional, and to

the point. I love working with her b/c she is this way. She doesn't waste time

on small talk. So I kept reminding myself that I was her, for that moment with

my mother. It was GREAT. I didn't become little girl Fiona like I usually did

talking to her. I was Grown Up Girl, telling it like it is and not caring one

way or another if it works for you, mom. This is how it is. "

Fiona,

This is a great share that I want to thank you for. I will use this sometime

soon, I know I will. Not becoming the little girl again in the conversation

would so rock!

> >

> >

> > So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty voicemails on

both of my phones, I finally called my nada back Friday night.

> >

> > She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not answering

her calls.

> >

> > I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to remain focused

and not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God that for the first time, I did

feel very strong in that conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to

accuse, to confront but I did not engage.

> >

> > Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would not be

arguing with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

> > It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking to someone

who is not stable!

> >

> > Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I am suspecting

another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

> >

> > Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think she has

decided she is going to try and harass me to see if that works in getting me to

call her back.

> >

> > I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my boundaries, but

think I am about to have to go that route as much as I don't want to. Calling me

every single day leaving ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail

until I am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that, she is

going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

> >

> > I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone. Written

communication never goes well for me.

> >

> > Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I still do it sometimes! Best wishes.

Fiona

>

>

> " Something that worked for me in talking to my mother and speaking truth to

her

> (I know I'll sound crazy but here goes) was pretending that I was someone that

I

> work with. This person is very ALL business, no nonsense, unemotional, and to

> the point. I love working with her b/c she is this way. She doesn't waste time

> on small talk. So I kept reminding myself that I was her, for that moment with

> my mother. It was GREAT. I didn't become little girl Fiona like I usually did

> talking to her. I was Grown Up Girl, telling it like it is and not caring one

> way or another if it works for you, mom. This is how it is. "

>

> Fiona,

> This is a great share that I want to thank you for. I will use this sometime

soon, I know I will. Not becoming the little girl again in the conversation

would so rock!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona - thank you for sharing with me! So much of what you say here resonates

with me and my situation.

I used to work for someone (still work for her from time to time) who is JUST

LIKE the co-worker you described. I also loved working with her for that reason,

even though sometimes her bluntness bordered on rude, I liked that there was

never any guessing what she meant. No mind games, just straight talk.

I could definitely pretend to be her! That's a great idea. I think in order to

do that I would have to pretend my mother is someone else too or I would suck at

it. :-)

I'm going to have to do this, like it or not. I am tired of hoping my nada will

" get it " that I am backing away. So far, like all BPs, she just sees it as a

form of abuse or attack on her so in response she comes at me even stronger.

So exhausting.

> > >

> > >

> > > So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty voicemails on

both of my phones, I finally called my nada back Friday night.

> > >

> > > She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not answering

her calls.

> > >

> > > I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to remain focused

and not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God that for the first time, I did

feel very strong in that conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to

accuse, to confront but I did not engage.

> > >

> > > Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would not be

arguing with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

> > > It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking to someone

who is not stable!

> > >

> > > Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I am

suspecting another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

> > >

> > > Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think she has

decided she is going to try and harass me to see if that works in getting me to

call her back.

> > >

> > > I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my boundaries,

but think I am about to have to go that route as much as I don't want to.

Calling me every single day leaving ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One

voicemail until I am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that,

she is going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

> > >

> > > I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone. Written

communication never goes well for me.

> > >

> > > Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe it would help to do some " role-playing " exercises with a good friend or

with your therapist if you are seeing one, to sort of practice having this

encounter with your nada.

" Roll playing " therapy is where you and your friend/therapist take turns playing

the part of your nada, and you. Perhaps you start out in the role of your nada

because you know how she sounds and reacts, and your friend plays the part of

you. You get to say all the kinds of aggressive, intimidating, controlling,

guilt-inducing things your nada says to you, and your friend/therapist can

counter with various responses.

Then you can reverse roles, with your friend as nada, and you can try out

various responses in various modes, in effect rehearsing a range of responses.

You can play various " parts " yourself: respond as you traditionally would,

respond as your more assertive co-worker, respond as a giant Amazon warrior...

whatever works for you.

Thumb's up!

-Annie

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty voicemails

on both of my phones, I finally called my nada back Friday night.

> > > >

> > > > She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not

answering her calls.

> > > >

> > > > I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to remain

focused and not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God that for the first

time, I did feel very strong in that conversation. She tried so hard to pick a

fight, to accuse, to confront but I did not engage.

> > > >

> > > > Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would not be

arguing with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

> > > > It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking to

someone who is not stable!

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I am

suspecting another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

> > > >

> > > > Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think she has

decided she is going to try and harass me to see if that works in getting me to

call her back.

> > > >

> > > > I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my boundaries,

but think I am about to have to go that route as much as I don't want to.

Calling me every single day leaving ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One

voicemail until I am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that,

she is going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

> > > >

> > > > I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone. Written

communication never goes well for me.

> > > >

> > > > Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" So far, like all BPs, she just sees it as a form of abuse or attack on her so

in response she comes at me even stronger. "

I'm glad that technique is one you think might help!

Something Annie suggested always stays with me, which is my mantra when talking

with my mother: " she doesn't need to get it. " Meaning, say what you need to

say. She will argue and get belligerent or whatever. Let her. She doesn't need

to get it. All that matters is that you have communicated it to her and that she

physiologically heard it. She doesn't need to have an " aha! " moment. She

probably never will.

Like you said, she'll see what you're saying as an attack. But that's her

problem. She doesn't need to get it or understand.

>

> Fiona - thank you for sharing with me! So much of what you say here resonates

with me and my situation.

>

> I used to work for someone (still work for her from time to time) who is JUST

LIKE the co-worker you described. I also loved working with her for that reason,

even though sometimes her bluntness bordered on rude, I liked that there was

never any guessing what she meant. No mind games, just straight talk.

>

> I could definitely pretend to be her! That's a great idea. I think in order to

do that I would have to pretend my mother is someone else too or I would suck at

it. :-)

>

> I'm going to have to do this, like it or not. I am tired of hoping my nada

will " get it " that I am backing away. So far, like all BPs, she just sees it as

a form of abuse or attack on her so in response she comes at me even stronger.

>

> So exhausting.

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is so true. It is when you start worrying about whether or not the

parent understands it or likes it that you go wrong. Your parent says what

they like to you without caring whether or not you like it, so do the same

back.

Carmel

[Guest guest]

I'm praying for strength for you. What a victory that you felt strong when

talking to her last. Strong is a big word. How often do we feel reduced when

talking to our BPD.

>

>

> So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty voicemails on both

of my phones, I finally called my nada back Friday night.

>

> She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not answering her

calls.

>

> I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to remain focused and

not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God that for the first time, I did feel

very strong in that conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to accuse,

to confront but I did not engage.

>

> Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would not be arguing

with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

> It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking to someone who

is not stable!

>

> Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I am suspecting

another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

>

> Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think she has decided

she is going to try and harass me to see if that works in getting me to call her

back.

>

> I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my boundaries, but

think I am about to have to go that route as much as I don't want to. Calling me

every single day leaving ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail

until I am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that, she is

going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

>

> I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone. Written

communication never goes well for me.

>

> Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

>

[Guest guest]

You are so right, thank you for the reminder that my goal is not for her to " get

it " . I have to keep saying that to myself. Its hard to think like a crazy

person!! LOL (I'm glad its hard for me to think like her, te he)

tryingtoheal - thank you for the prayers. Yes, it is hard to feel strong.

For me, I want so badly for her to be a mother. A real one. As a child she would

act motherly to get me to be vulnerable with her, then later she would use it

against me or to humiliate me. So it was a cycle I was used to. Its hard not to

divert back to that after being in that destructive cycle for so long and

thinking it was normal for a mother to exploit her child's emotions and deepest

thoughts.

So talking to her with " strength " is very odd for me. Taking on the role of

shutting off my emotions and guarding myself from her is a strange one and feels

weird.

Like my T says - its not normal for a child to protect themselves from a parent.

It WILL feel weird and odd for a while, because its just not natural.

> >

> >

> > So after last week's barrage of daily phone calls and nasty voicemails on

both of my phones, I finally called my nada back Friday night.

> >

> > She of course wanted to confront me and light into me about not answering

her calls.

> >

> > I prayed before I called her that I would have strength to remain focused

and not allow her to get a foothold. I thank God that for the first time, I did

feel very strong in that conversation. She tried so hard to pick a fight, to

accuse, to confront but I did not engage.

> >

> > Even though I was able to remain calm and let her know I would not be

arguing with her, it was a VERY draining conversation.

> > It takes a LOT of mental energy to think that hard when talking to someone

who is not stable!

> >

> > Anyway, she started back in yesterday with the phone calls. I am suspecting

another week of nasty voicemails every single day.

> >

> > Before, she was going 1-2 weeks before calling me but I think she has

decided she is going to try and harass me to see if that works in getting me to

call her back.

> >

> > I am just tired of the BS. I have never formally told her my boundaries, but

think I am about to have to go that route as much as I don't want to. Calling me

every single day leaving ridiculous voicemails is unacceptable. One voicemail

until I am able to call her back is enough. When I actually say that, she is

going to flip her lid and I'm not looking forward to it.

> >

> > I am not writing her. I am going to tell her over the phone. Written

communication never goes well for me.

> >

> > Wish me strength, it ain't gonna be pretty.

> >

>