Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 Hi I am new here and this is my first post. Well, my first post for anything like this, ever. My BPD Mother is 83, and very ill. I would like to be able to have a peaceful ending with her. I would like to get over the anger I feel towards her while she is still on this earth. I think I am looking for away to heal myself for my own sake so I could be able to forgive her. It doesn't matter if she knows I forgive her. Actually, from what I have been reading I guess she doesn't believe she needs forgiveness. I need to forgive her for me. Any suggestions? Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 I was just thinking about this just yesterday. Mine is a waif so I didn't suffer the outright abuse that many people here have...not sure if that impacts my ability to forgive or not. I realized yesterday for the first time that I didn't feel angry w/ her. She really is just a sick, depressed, pathetic person. I've been trying to learn as much as possible about her illness (read two books and reading on here a lot). That helps me a lot. I really don't think it's something she can help and I know that she really does love me very much. She just doesn't know how to be any better than she is. In a way I feel like it's making an excuse for her...it kind of is, but I really don't know that she has the capacity to be the mother I've always needed and longed for. I've started to just feel very sorry for her. Not sorry in a way that I'll allow myself to think it's something I can fix, but the reality of what it is like to live in her brain has to be pretty terrible. She didn't choose that anymore than I chose to have a borderline waif as a mother. The difference is that I don't have a serious mental illness so I'm able to cope better. My therapist once told me that every time that she, or someone else in my family, are doing something that is so obviously ridiculous and self-destructive to remind myself of her friend that has a son with down syndrome. It wouldn't be fair to get mad at him for not being the same as someone w/o a disability. Obviously, there are differences...if she had something like downs she wouldn't have made me feel like such crap my whole life BUT the disability piece is pretty true. I hope this helps...it seems to have been giving me a little more peace of mind lately. I can't fix her, but I don't have to constantly be mad at her for being who she is. > > Hi I am new here and this is my first post. Well, my first post for anything like this, ever. My BPD Mother is 83, and very ill. I would like to be able to have a peaceful ending with her. I would like to get over the anger I feel towards her while she is still on this earth. I think I am looking for away to heal myself for my own sake so I could be able to forgive her. It doesn't matter if she knows I forgive her. Actually, from what I have been reading I guess she doesn't believe she needs forgiveness. I need to forgive her for me. Any suggestions? Thanks. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 Hello and welcome to the group. You're right in thinking that she probably doesn't think she needs forgiveness. People with BPD tend to either believe the things they do are right, or to believe that they are justified in doing them even if they wouldn't be right if someone else did them. If you need to forgive her for your own sake, perhaps it would help to concentrate on the idea that BPD is a mental illness that she didn't choose to have. Our nadas and fadas may not want to get help with their mental illness, but none of them chose to have it to begin with. They choose to do things that harm us, but their mechanism for making choices is very broken. It can help to compare your nada to a dog with rabies. It isn't the dog's fault that it has a disease that makes it dangerous to you but that doesn't mean it won't hurt you, nor does it mean you shouldn't do what it takes to protect yourself. At 06:28 AM 11/14/2011 susanlmh7 wrote: >Hi I am new here and this is my first post. Well, my first >post for anything like this, ever. My BPD Mother is 83, and >very ill. I would like to be able to have a peaceful ending >with her. I would like to get over the anger I feel towards >her while she is still on this earth. I think I am looking for >away to heal myself for my own sake so I could be able to >forgive her. It doesn't matter if she knows I forgive >her. Actually, from what I have been reading I guess she >doesn't believe she needs forgiveness. I need to forgive her >for me. Any suggestions? Thanks. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Forgiveness is really over rated. You can come to peace with what you have suffered. You can leave the hate behind for the person(s) who wronged you. All of this takes working through the grief of the lost child in you, and the family you hoped for that can never be. You need to stop seeing her first as your mother--you need to see her as just another flawed human being (really, really flawed). Detachment, detachment, detachment. I think what confuses us most regarding forgiveness is when we try to merge the Christian perspectives of " forgiving all with love " and " turning the other cheek " with a personality disordered mind. You can come to forgive the deed and pity the BPD, but you need to protect yourself from ever being vulnerable to that person again. Part of your heart must remain closed to them in order to save yourself. Good luck, . May you find that peace. > > Hi I am new here and this is my first post. Well, my first post for anything like this, ever. My BPD Mother is 83, and very ill. I would like to be able to have a peaceful ending with her. I would like to get over the anger I feel towards her while she is still on this earth. I think I am looking for away to heal myself for my own sake so I could be able to forgive her. It doesn't matter if she knows I forgive her. Actually, from what I have been reading I guess she doesn't believe she needs forgiveness. I need to forgive her for me. Any suggestions? Thanks. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Hi there, Nice to meet you, my name is Carmel and new to the group. I have had problems with my mother and they will never accept responsibility or blame, they always say they are right and you are wrong. You need to forgive for your own sake because really she does not deserve it. You also need to have boundaries with her so that she does not hurt you any more than cannot be avoided again in the future. Most of us, because we are kind or patient or caring take a lot of crap from people who are selfish and nasty to us but the truth is that it is up to us how much of that crap we take and how upset we get over it. We can put up boundaries and we can distance ourselves from the impact their words or behaviour would have. They would rejoice if they knew that you were worried about this, it makes them feel very important. Do not let them feel important at YOUR expense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 I think that is a very profound and succinct summation of my own feelings about the concept of forgiveness. Very, very well put, echo babe. Your words resonate with me. I have reached a point where I can now feel pity for my nada, but I do not forgive the long-term, chronic abusive things she did to me that damaged me so deeply and permanently. So, I guess *pity* is as close as I can come to " forgiveness " ...and I'm OK with that. (My nada is in her 80s, and now has Alzheimers; she is in and out of actively hallucinating, and in and out of the hospital with pneumonia; her prognosis is not good.) I too wish for you to find peace and healing in whatever way works for you, . -Annie > > Forgiveness is really over rated. You can come to peace with what you have suffered. You can leave the hate behind for the person(s) who wronged you. All of this takes working through the grief of the lost child in you, and the family you hoped for that can never be. You need to stop seeing her first as your mother--you need to see her as just another flawed human being (really, really flawed). Detachment, detachment, detachment. > > I think what confuses us most regarding forgiveness is when we try to merge the Christian perspectives of " forgiving all with love " and " turning the other cheek " with a personality disordered mind. You can come to forgive the deed and pity the BPD, but you need to protect yourself from ever being vulnerable to that person again. Part of your heart must remain closed to them in order to save yourself. > > Good luck, . May you find that peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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