Re: Any adivce would be appreciated

November 14, 2011

She is trying to dupe you, make no mistake about it. And here's the thing: if

you e-mail her a list of " rules " she will either mock them (as in sighing loudly

in front of the children and saying " Well, your mother doesn't want me to do

*that*) or coming up with some equally offensive thing and then say, " But that

wasn't on your list of rules! " Big red flags from her attitude in her response,

IMHO. These kids are yours, not hers, and until they turn 18 they need to see

that you are the one in charge, not some bitter old lady who calls herself

" grandma " . Her response is so catty, were it me I'd take back the offer for

hubby to stop by. She clearly does not respect you or your hubby.

BTW, she sounds *exactly* like my mother. Exactly.

>

> here are a couple of emails that were sent from my nada recently having no

contact from her for over a year. she recently showed up at my front door after

showing up my kids school without any permission as she wants to see my kids

without me and my hubby being there....ridiculous i know. i warned her not to do

that and would get the police involved. she backed down till now. she has very

ill feelings towards us...surprise surprise. i have clearly told her that at any

time you would like to see the kids me and hubby need to be present. after

knocking on the door loudlty a few times( i was not home) my hubby and kids ere

home. hubby knew it was her and didnt answer the door. a bit scary to say the

least! the same night she emailed this to me

>

> Hi aaa

>

> As you are aware I came to your house today. The main reason that I chose to

come today is because as you know today was birth day of our beloved bbbb

> That's why I took this chance to try to see my grandchildren wich

unfortunately I was not successful in.

> My intention today was to abide by your instructions you had sent me about the

conditions set for me to see my grandchildren.

> To prove that I was following your conditions you can see that I came to your

house so that not one but both you of you and hubby could be there, just to show

you how I'm willing to abide by your conditions of allowing me to see my

grandchildren and for my grandchildren to be able to see me.

>

> I shall continue to prove my love for them by visiting your house every

saturday even for just half hour.

>

> With all my love and hope to see my beautiful grandchildren:

>

> grandma aaaa 12/11/2011

>

> and this is what i responded:

>

> Thankyou for your email. We understand you would like to see our family. We

need to coordinate a good time that is convienent for everyone.

>

> Before we organise a time and day, hubby will come and see you and make sure

we all have mutual understanding and a basic sense of harmony amongst us all.

hubby is free on Wednesday after 8pm and will come to your house if its

convienient for you. Let me know.

>

> Love aaaa

>

> and this is what she replied.

>

> As I mentioned clearly in my email, the only reason I came to your house, was

purely for the children and to prove my love for the children. I was even

willing to sacrifice and succumb to a shameful condition you had set for a

mother . As I believe and have understood from your previous demands, the only

possible way to see my grandchildren was for you and hubby to be present. So I

came on Saturday to make sure that in case you are not able to give all your

attention inspecting me, hubby can be there to take over. However from your

email it is quite evident that new conditions have now come into play, in

addition to your previous condition you had set.

>

> Since i believe hubby is quite busy, and as you mentioned to me previously

that hubby has no interest whatsoever to come to my house to see me, i dont

believe there is a reason for hubby to come to my house. If there are new

conditions in regards to what the both of you believe should be your mutual

understanding, I would prefer for you to address these insights via email.

Having it written down will help me remember them better since I want to make

sure I abide to the best of my ability. Be sure I will abide by these new

conditions just like I was willing to abide by your previous condition. If i

accepted to be supervised by my daughter and her husband to see my

grandchildren, I don't believe there could be anything harder or more degrading

than that.

>

> I am waiting for your reply

>

> it almost seems like she is trying to dupe me with all this abiding by my

rules. i dont trust her one bit and know she will emotionally manipulate my

kids to make me look like the bad parent undercutting everythingn is say. i hate

this situation and i am confused on how to respond. the most difficult persion i

have dealt with . any advice would be aprreciated. thank you

>

November 14, 2011

I have a question - do your kids want to see her? I think that

makes a big difference in how you should respond. My initial

reaction to those e-mails is that I would not let her see the

kids at all. She clearly has a bad attitude towards obeying the

guidelines you've laid down for seeing your children. There's

nothing hard or degrading about only being able to see the

children with both of you present. If the children want to see

her, that should be taken into account however. If you do let

her see them, I'd recommend sticking to your guns about your

hubby sitting down with her to go over things first. Asking you

to put rules in writing sounds to me like she's planning on

figuring out ways to obey the letter of the rules while

disobeying their intent.

At 11:56 PM 11/13/2011 jml792006 wrote:

>here are a couple of emails that were sent from my nada

>recently having no contact from her for over a year. she

>recently showed up at my front door after showing up my kids

>school without any permission as she wants to see my kids

>without me and my hubby being there....ridiculous i know. i

>warned her not to do that and would get the police involved.

>she backed down till now. she has very ill feelings towards

>us...surprise surprise. i have clearly told her that at any

>time you would like to see the kids me and hubby need to be

>present. after knocking on the door loudlty a few times( i was

>not home) my hubby and kids ere home. hubby knew it was her

>and didnt answer the door. a bit scary to say the least! the

>same night she emailed this to me

>

>Hi aaa

>

>As you are aware I came to your house today. The main reason

>that I chose to come today is because as you know today was

>birth day of our beloved bbbb

>That's why I took this chance to try to see my grandchildren

>wich unfortunately I was not successful in.

>My intention today was to abide by your instructions you had

>sent me about the conditions set for me to see my grandchildren.

>To prove that I was following your conditions you can see that

>I came to your house so that not one but both you of you and

>hubby could be there, just to show you how I'm willing to abide

>by your conditions of allowing me to see my grandchildren and

>for my grandchildren to be able to see me.

>

>I shall continue to prove my love for them by visiting your

>house every saturday even for just half hour.

>

>With all my love and hope to see my beautiful grandchildren:

>

>grandma aaaa 12/11/2011

>

>and this is what i responded:

>

> Thankyou for your email. We understand you would like to see

> our family. We need to coordinate a good time that is

> convienent for everyone.

>

>Before we organise a time and day, hubby will come and see you

>and make sure we all have mutual understanding and a basic

>sense of harmony amongst us all. hubby is free on Wednesday

>after 8pm and will come to your house if its convienient for

>you. Let me know.

>

>Love aaaa

>

>and this is what she replied.

>

>As I mentioned clearly in my email, the only reason I came to

>your house, was purely for the children and to prove my love

>for the children. I was even willing to sacrifice and succumb

>to a shameful condition you had set for a mother . As I believe

>and have understood from your previous demands, the only

>possible way to see my grandchildren was for you and hubby to

>be present. So I came on Saturday to make sure that in case you

>are not able to give all your attention inspecting me, hubby

>can be there to take over. However from your email it is quite

>evident that new conditions have now come into play, in

>addition to your previous condition you had set.

>

>Since i believe hubby is quite busy, and as you mentioned to me

>previously that hubby has no interest whatsoever to come to my

>house to see me, i dont believe there is a reason for hubby to

>come to my house. If there are new conditions in regards to

>what the both of you believe should be your mutual

>understanding, I would prefer for you to address these insights

>via email. Having it written down will help me remember them

>better since I want to make sure I abide to the best of my

>ability. Be sure I will abide by these new conditions just like

>I was willing to abide by your previous condition. If i

>accepted to be supervised by my daughter and her husband to see

>my grandchildren, I don't believe there could be anything

>harder or more degrading than that.

>

>I am waiting for your reply

>

>it almost seems like she is trying to dupe me with all this

>abiding by my rules. i dont trust her one bit and know she

>will emotionally manipulate my kids to make me look like the

>bad parent undercutting everythingn is say. i hate this

>situation and i am confused on how to respond. the most

>difficult persion i have dealt with . any advice would be

>aprreciated. thank you

--

Katrina

November 14, 2011

Hi there,

It says any advice would be appreciated so here goes,

I have never had kids but I would protect them if I had them. I would think

it is important for them to meet up with good people and kind people and

stay away from selfish people and dishonest or nasty people.

I do not know what caused the rift between you and your mum, it must be

something huge. But in your heart of hearts is it best for your children to

see them or not? If it is then tell your parents they can come to see them

on such and such a date and time and that you need to know if they will or

not. Send them your list of rules. At the moment you are suffering a lot

because you do care about their reaction and how they feel, which means THEY

are winning. It is not worth hours of worry. Just decide yes or no and

then stick to it. At the moment you are working yourself up into a worse

state, which is nobody else's fault.

And do not be tempted to use the children as a way to manipulate your

parents or have power over them.

The children should never be part of any arguments between you. The

truth is that if YOU get upset about something that is down to you. You hold

all of the cards here and you can call the shots, she is the one who should

be worried and upset. If you show her

you are upset or worried she will either not understand it or be very pleased

to hear it, neither of which is of any use to you. People with BPD tend to

not care a toss about other people's feelings or be very pleased when they

have wielded power over them. Whatever your mother's faults are you must

not meet her half way by being ultra sensitive and indecisive.

Take care.

In a message dated 14/11/2011 23:10:41 GMT Standard Time,

halehlady@... writes:

thats the first thing i said to my hubby . that she is trying to dupe me. i

repseonded to her last night and basically said theres no way she can see

my kids when she has obvious ill feelings towards me and hubby and that she

needs to seek counselling to deal with these feelings. (dont think she

will like that but i dont give a hoot)

my kids do want to see her but they are kids and the influence she has on

them is terrible. its all about her emotional needs and i dont trust her.

she will most likely undercut me and my hubbys authority in front of us and

play her devious games as you know can imagine. so i have chosen the lesser

of 2 evils. and i have told my 7 year old that grandma is away and isnt

feeling well and unitl she feels better we will hopefully see her again. i am

waiting her response and i know its going to be a hefty one to say the

least.

thanks guys, really appreciate it.

From: writermanque <_writermanque@..._

(mailto:writermanque@...) >

Subject: Re: Any adivce would be appreciated

To: _WTOAdultChildren1 _

(mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 )

Received: Tuesday, 15 November, 2011, 8:20 AM

She is trying to dupe you, make no mistake about it. And here's the thing:

if you e-mail her a list of " rules " she will either mock them (as in

sighing loudly in front of the children and saying " Well, your mother doesn't

want me to do *that*) or coming up with some equally offensive thing and then

say, " But that wasn't on your list of rules! " Big red flags from her

attitude in her response, IMHO. These kids are yours, not hers, and until they

turn 18 they need to see that you are the one in charge, not some bitter old

lady who calls herself " grandma " . Her response is so catty, were it me I'd

take back the offer for hubby to stop by. She clearly does not respect you

or your hubby.

BTW, she sounds *exactly* like my mother. Exactly.

>

> here are a couple of emails that were sent from my nada recently having

no contact from her for over a year. she recently showed up at my front

door after showing up my kids school without any permission as she wants to

see my kids without me and my hubby being there....ridiculous i know. i

warned her not to do that and would get the police involved. she backed down

till now. she has very ill feelings towards us...surprise surprise. i have

clearly told her that at any time you would like to see the kids me and hubby

need to be present. after knocking on the door loudlty a few times( i was

not home) my hubby and kids ere home. hubby knew it was her and didnt answer

the door. a bit scary to say the least! the same night she emailed this to

me

>

> Hi aaa

>

> As you are aware I came to your house today. The main reason that I

chose to come today is because as you know today was birth day of our beloved

bbbb

> That's why I took this chance to try to see my grandchildren wich

unfortunately I was not successful in.

> My intention today was to abide by your instructions you had sent me

about the conditions set for me to see my grandchildren.

> To prove that I was following your conditions you can see that I came to

your house so that not one but both you of you and hubby could be there,

just to show you how I'm willing to abide by your conditions of allowing me

to see my grandchildren and for my grandchildren to be able to see me.

>

> I shall continue to prove my love for them by visiting your house every

saturday even for just half hour.

>

> With all my love and hope to see my beautiful grandchildren:

>

> grandma aaaa 12/11/2011

>

> and this is what i responded:

>

> Thankyou for your email. We understand you would like to see our family.

We need to coordinate a good time that is convienent for everyone.

>

> Before we organise a time and day, hubby will come and see you and make

sure we all have mutual understanding and a basic sense of harmony amongst

us all. hubby is free on Wednesday after 8pm and will come to your house if

its convienient for you. Let me know.

>

> Love aaaa

>

> and this is what she replied.

>

> As I mentioned clearly in my email, the only reason I came to your

house, was purely for the children and to prove my love for the children. I was

even willing to sacrifice and succumb to a shameful condition you had set

for a mother . As I believe and have understood from your previous demands,

the only possible way to see my grandchildren was for you and hubby to be

present. So I came on Saturday to make sure that in case you are not able to

give all your attention inspecting me, hubby can be there to take over.

However from your email it is quite evident that new conditions have now come

into play, in addition to your previous condition you had set.

>

> Since i believe hubby is quite busy, and as you mentioned to me

previously that hubby has no interest whatsoever to come to my house to see me,

i

dont believe there is a reason for hubby to come to my house. If there are

new conditions in regards to what the both of you believe should be your

mutual understanding, I would prefer for you to address these insights via

email. Having it written down will help me remember them better since I want

to make sure I abide to the best of my ability. Be sure I will abide by these

new conditions just like I was willing to abide by your previous

condition. If i accepted to be supervised by my daughter and her husband to see

my

grandchildren, I don't believe there could be anything harder or more

degrading than that.

>

> I am waiting for your reply

>

> it almost seems like she is trying to dupe me with all this abiding by

my rules. i dont trust her one bit and know she will emotionally manipulate

my kids to make me look like the bad parent undercutting everythingn is

say. i hate this situation and i am confused on how to respond. the most

difficult persion i have dealt with . any advice would be aprreciated. thank

you

>

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

November 14, 2011

Hi Feisty Smart Lady, I don't think that Haleh should worry about her

mother. Whether she is winning, whether she is being manipulated - those

are typically the cards the BPD's play, while we agonize over whether or

not they have been " bad " enough to us for us to move on or protect our

kids. . .

Haleh, the extremly formal and poorly written style is something I see

coming from my clients a lot when they feel I'm not being as subservient as

I should be HA! I ALWAYS see an overwritten paragraph as a sign of

insecurity/anger/etc etc. Your nada is working you. She won't behave well

in front of the kids and you made the right decision. She is Emotionally

Blackmailing you right down to the last letter of the book. Have you read

it? I'm guessing you could have written it.

XOXO GS

> **

>

> Hi there,

>

> It says any advice would be appreciated so here goes,

>

> I have never had kids but I would protect them if I had them. I would

> think

> it is important for them to meet up with good people and kind people and

> stay away from selfish people and dishonest or nasty people.

> I do not know what caused the rift between you and your mum, it must be

> something huge. But in your heart of hearts is it best for your children

> to

> see them or not? If it is then tell your parents they can come to see them

> on such and such a date and time and that you need to know if they will or

> not. Send them your list of rules. At the moment you are suffering a lot

> because you do care about their reaction and how they feel, which means

> THEY

> are winning. It is not worth hours of worry. Just decide yes or no and

> then stick to it. At the moment you are working yourself up into a worse

> state, which is nobody else's fault.

>

> And do not be tempted to use the children as a way to manipulate your

> parents or have power over them.

> The children should never be part of any arguments between you. The

> truth is that if YOU get upset about something that is down to you. You

> hold

> all of the cards here and you can call the shots, she is the one who

> should

> be worried and upset. If you show her

> you are upset or worried she will either not understand it or be very

> pleased

> to hear it, neither of which is of any use to you. People with BPD tend to

> not care a toss about other people's feelings or be very pleased when they

> have wielded power over them. Whatever your mother's faults are you must

> not meet her half way by being ultra sensitive and indecisive.

>

> Take care.

>

> In a message dated 14/11/2011 23:10:41 GMT Standard Time,

> halehlady@... writes:

>

> thats the first thing i said to my hubby . that she is trying to dupe me.

> i

> repseonded to her last night and basically said theres no way she can see

> my kids when she has obvious ill feelings towards me and hubby and that

> she

> needs to seek counselling to deal with these feelings. (dont think she

> will like that but i dont give a hoot)

> my kids do want to see her but they are kids and the influence she has on

> them is terrible. its all about her emotional needs and i dont trust her.

> she will most likely undercut me and my hubbys authority in front of us

> and

> play her devious games as you know can imagine. so i have chosen the

> lesser

> of 2 evils. and i have told my 7 year old that grandma is away and isnt

> feeling well and unitl she feels better we will hopefully see her again. i

> am

> waiting her response and i know its going to be a hefty one to say the

> least.

> thanks guys, really appreciate it.

>

> From: writermanque <_writermanque@..._

> (mailto:writermanque@...) >

>

> Subject: Re: Any adivce would be appreciated

> To: _WTOAdultChildren1 _

> (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 )

> Received: Tuesday, 15 November, 2011, 8:20 AM

>

> She is trying to dupe you, make no mistake about it. And here's the thing:

> if you e-mail her a list of " rules " she will either mock them (as in

> sighing loudly in front of the children and saying " Well, your mother

> doesn't

> want me to do *that*) or coming up with some equally offensive thing and

> then

> say, " But that wasn't on your list of rules! " Big red flags from her

> attitude in her response, IMHO. These kids are yours, not hers, and until

> they

> turn 18 they need to see that you are the one in charge, not some bitter

> old

> lady who calls herself " grandma " . Her response is so catty, were it me I'd

> take back the offer for hubby to stop by. She clearly does not respect you

> or your hubby.

>

> BTW, she sounds *exactly* like my mother. Exactly.

>

> >

> > here are a couple of emails that were sent from my nada recently having

> no contact from her for over a year. she recently showed up at my front

> door after showing up my kids school without any permission as she wants

> to

> see my kids without me and my hubby being there....ridiculous i know. i

> warned her not to do that and would get the police involved. she backed

> down

> till now. she has very ill feelings towards us...surprise surprise. i have

> clearly told her that at any time you would like to see the kids me and

> hubby

> need to be present. after knocking on the door loudlty a few times( i was

> not home) my hubby and kids ere home. hubby knew it was her and didnt

> answer

> the door. a bit scary to say the least! the same night she emailed this to

> me

> >

> > Hi aaa

> >

> > As you are aware I came to your house today. The main reason that I

> chose to come today is because as you know today was birth day of our

> beloved

> bbbb

> > That's why I took this chance to try to see my grandchildren wich

> unfortunately I was not successful in.

> > My intention today was to abide by your instructions you had sent me

> about the conditions set for me to see my grandchildren.

> > To prove that I was following your conditions you can see that I came to

> your house so that not one but both you of you and hubby could be there,

> just to show you how I'm willing to abide by your conditions of allowing

> me

> to see my grandchildren and for my grandchildren to be able to see me.

> >

> > I shall continue to prove my love for them by visiting your house every

> saturday even for just half hour.

> >

> > With all my love and hope to see my beautiful grandchildren:

> >

> > grandma aaaa 12/11/2011

> >

> > and this is what i responded:

> >

> > Thankyou for your email. We understand you would like to see our family.

> We need to coordinate a good time that is convienent for everyone.

> >

> > Before we organise a time and day, hubby will come and see you and make

> sure we all have mutual understanding and a basic sense of harmony amongst

> us all. hubby is free on Wednesday after 8pm and will come to your house

> if

> its convienient for you. Let me know.

> >

> > Love aaaa

> >

> > and this is what she replied.

> >

> > As I mentioned clearly in my email, the only reason I came to your

> house, was purely for the children and to prove my love for the children.

> I was

> even willing to sacrifice and succumb to a shameful condition you had set

> for a mother . As I believe and have understood from your previous

> demands,

> the only possible way to see my grandchildren was for you and hubby to be

> present. So I came on Saturday to make sure that in case you are not able

> to

> give all your attention inspecting me, hubby can be there to take over.

> However from your email it is quite evident that new conditions have now

> come

> into play, in addition to your previous condition you had set.

> >

> > Since i believe hubby is quite busy, and as you mentioned to me

> previously that hubby has no interest whatsoever to come to my house to

> see me, i

> dont believe there is a reason for hubby to come to my house. If there are

> new conditions in regards to what the both of you believe should be your

> mutual understanding, I would prefer for you to address these insights via

> email. Having it written down will help me remember them better since I

> want

> to make sure I abide to the best of my ability. Be sure I will abide by

> these

> new conditions just like I was willing to abide by your previous

> condition. If i accepted to be supervised by my daughter and her husband

> to see my

> grandchildren, I don't believe there could be anything harder or more

> degrading than that.

> >

> > I am waiting for your reply

> >

> > it almost seems like she is trying to dupe me with all this abiding by

> my rules. i dont trust her one bit and know she will emotionally

> manipulate

> my kids to make me look like the bad parent undercutting everythingn is

> say. i hate this situation and i am confused on how to respond. the most

> difficult persion i have dealt with . any advice would be aprreciated.

> thank you

> >

>

November 14, 2011

I don't know why, but when I was reading the e-mails you posted from your nada,

and she was being so rule-oriented, and trying to poke holes in your rules, I

kept hearing the voice of " Gollum " from the " Lord of the Rings " films saying,

" Yesssss, she's tricksy, Precious! Very tricksy! Must be careful, my Precious,

mustn't we? "

I think her e-mails are very hostile. She is clearly beside herself with rage

and frustration, and she is trying to heap guilt on you in an effort to force

you to cave in and let her have her way, on her terms.

To put it simply, your rules have not changed at all. You are (I think) still

willing to let her and your father see their grandchildren if both you and your

husband are present. No change there. The " change " was on nada's part. She

dropped by unannounced. All visits must be arranged in advance and be at a time

convenient for all parties, not just when its convenient for nada.

So, don't let her throw that party of the first part semi-legal jargon at you.

I think she's attempting to be sarcastic.

One option for you is to reply: " My rule has not changed. You and dad may

visit our family as long as both me and my husband are present. However, the

logistics of each visit such as the day, time, and location of the visit need to

be mutually agreed on in advance so it is convenient for all of us to be

present. If you simply show up at our home or at the children's school

unannounced, that is not acceptable. If you show up on our property uninvited

in the future, or at the children's school, we will consider that harassment,

stalking, and trespassing, and will call the police. "

Its going to be up to you to decide what you can and can't tolerate. You have

to figure out what will work best for you and your family. Its not uncommon

from the posts I've been reading here over the years for KOs to take out

restraining orders RE their nada or fada, when they begin engaging in stalking

and harassing behaviors.

-Annie

> >here are a couple of emails that were sent from my nada

> >recently having no contact from her for over a year. she

> >recently showed up at my front door after showing up my kids

> >school without any permission as she wants to see my kids

> >without me and my hubby being there....ridiculous i know. i

> >warned her not to do that and would get the police involved.

> >she backed down till now. she has very ill feelings towards

> >us...surprise surprise. i have clearly told her that at any

> >time you would like to see the kids me and hubby need to be

> >present. after knocking on the door loudlty a few times( i was

> >not home) my hubby and kids ere home. hubby knew it was her

> >and didnt answer the door. a bit scary to say the least! the

> >same night she emailed this to me

> >

> >Hi aaa

> >

> >As you are aware I came to your house today. The main reason

> >that I chose to come today is because as you know today was

> >birth day of our beloved bbbb

> >That's why I took this chance to try to see my grandchildren

> >wich unfortunately I was not successful in.

> >My intention today was to abide by your instructions you had

> >sent me about the conditions set for me to see my grandchildren.

> >To prove that I was following your conditions you can see that

> >I came to your house so that not one but both you of you and

> >hubby could be there, just to show you how I'm willing to abide

> >by your conditions of allowing me to see my grandchildren and

> >for my grandchildren to be able to see me.

> >

> >I shall continue to prove my love for them by visiting your

> >house every saturday even for just half hour.

> >

> >With all my love and hope to see my beautiful grandchildren:

> >

> >grandma aaaa 12/11/2011

> >

> >and this is what i responded:

> >

> > Thankyou for your email. We understand you would like to see

> > our family. We need to coordinate a good time that is

> > convienent for everyone.

> >

> >Before we organise a time and day, hubby will come and see you

> >and make sure we all have mutual understanding and a basic

> >sense of harmony amongst us all. hubby is free on Wednesday

> >after 8pm and will come to your house if its convienient for

> >you. Let me know.

> >

> >Love aaaa

> >

> >and this is what she replied.

> >

> >As I mentioned clearly in my email, the only reason I came to

> >your house, was purely for the children and to prove my love

> >for the children. I was even willing to sacrifice and succumb

> >to a shameful condition you had set for a mother . As I believe

> >and have understood from your previous demands, the only

> >possible way to see my grandchildren was for you and hubby to

> >be present. So I came on Saturday to make sure that in case you

> >are not able to give all your attention inspecting me, hubby

> >can be there to take over. However from your email it is quite

> >evident that new conditions have now come into play, in

> >addition to your previous condition you had set.

> >

> >Since i believe hubby is quite busy, and as you mentioned to me

> >previously that hubby has no interest whatsoever to come to my

> >house to see me, i dont believe there is a reason for hubby to

> >come to my house. If there are new conditions in regards to

> >what the both of you believe should be your mutual

> >understanding, I would prefer for you to address these insights

> >via email. Having it written down will help me remember them

> >better since I want to make sure I abide to the best of my

> >ability. Be sure I will abide by these new conditions just like

> >I was willing to abide by your previous condition. If i

> >accepted to be supervised by my daughter and her husband to see

> >my grandchildren, I don't believe there could be anything

> >harder or more degrading than that.

> >

> >I am waiting for your reply

> >

> >it almost seems like she is trying to dupe me with all this

> >abiding by my rules. i dont trust her one bit and know she

> >will emotionally manipulate my kids to make me look like the

> >bad parent undercutting everythingn is say. i hate this

> >situation and i am confused on how to respond. the most

> >difficult persion i have dealt with . any advice would be

> >aprreciated. thank you

>

> --

> Katrina

>

November 15, 2011

" Mommy Dearest,

" Hubby and I have reconsidered. We will not be allowing u to see the children at

all because we cannot stand the thought of being around you ourselves. Your

emails, dripping with sarcasm and seething with rage, make it clear that you

are, at best, an obnoxious person and at worst, a sorry excuse for a human

being. And, you are pigeon-toed. Eat turds and die! "

JK. But as my therapist might say, " That is a fun fantasy! "

> >

> > here are a couple of emails that were sent from my nada recently having

> no contact from her for over a year. she recently showed up at my front

> door after showing up my kids school without any permission as she wants to

> see my kids without me and my hubby being there....ridiculous i know. i

> warned her not to do that and would get the police involved. she backed down

> till now. she has very ill feelings towards us...surprise surprise. i have

> clearly told her that at any time you would like to see the kids me and hubby

> need to be present. after knocking on the door loudlty a few times( i was

> not home) my hubby and kids ere home. hubby knew it was her and didnt answer

> the door. a bit scary to say the least! the same night she emailed this to

> me

> >

> > Hi aaa

> >

> > As you are aware I came to your house today. The main reason that I

> chose to come today is because as you know today was birth day of our beloved

> bbbb

> > That's why I took this chance to try to see my grandchildren wich

> unfortunately I was not successful in.

> > My intention today was to abide by your instructions you had sent me

> about the conditions set for me to see my grandchildren.

> > To prove that I was following your conditions you can see that I came to

> your house so that not one but both you of you and hubby could be there,

> just to show you how I'm willing to abide by your conditions of allowing me

> to see my grandchildren and for my grandchildren to be able to see me.

> >

> > I shall continue to prove my love for them by visiting your house every

> saturday even for just half hour.

> >

> > With all my love and hope to see my beautiful grandchildren:

> >

> > grandma aaaa 12/11/2011

> >

> > and this is what i responded:

> >

> > Thankyou for your email. We understand you would like to see our family.

> We need to coordinate a good time that is convienent for everyone.

> >

> > Before we organise a time and day, hubby will come and see you and make

> sure we all have mutual understanding and a basic sense of harmony amongst

> us all. hubby is free on Wednesday after 8pm and will come to your house if

> its convienient for you. Let me know.

> >

> > Love aaaa

> >

> > and this is what she replied.

> >

> > As I mentioned clearly in my email, the only reason I came to your

> house, was purely for the children and to prove my love for the children. I

was

> even willing to sacrifice and succumb to a shameful condition you had set

> for a mother . As I believe and have understood from your previous demands,

> the only possible way to see my grandchildren was for you and hubby to be

> present. So I came on Saturday to make sure that in case you are not able to

> give all your attention inspecting me, hubby can be there to take over.

> However from your email it is quite evident that new conditions have now come

> into play, in addition to your previous condition you had set.

> >

> > Since i believe hubby is quite busy, and as you mentioned to me

> previously that hubby has no interest whatsoever to come to my house to see

me, i

> dont believe there is a reason for hubby to come to my house. If there are

> new conditions in regards to what the both of you believe should be your

> mutual understanding, I would prefer for you to address these insights via

> email. Having it written down will help me remember them better since I want

> to make sure I abide to the best of my ability. Be sure I will abide by these

> new conditions just like I was willing to abide by your previous

> condition. If i accepted to be supervised by my daughter and her husband to

see my

> grandchildren, I don't believe there could be anything harder or more

> degrading than that.

> >

> > I am waiting for your reply

> >

> > it almost seems like she is trying to dupe me with all this abiding by

> my rules. i dont trust her one bit and know she will emotionally manipulate

> my kids to make me look like the bad parent undercutting everythingn is

> say. i hate this situation and i am confused on how to respond. the most

> difficult persion i have dealt with . any advice would be aprreciated. thank

you

> >

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

November 16, 2011

What struck me (besides her somewhat mocking assurances and complaints about

feeling degraded) is that you have given her a TIME and a DAY whereby she can

meet with hubby to formally discuss boundaries so that both parties agree and

understand the conditions.

That is the FIRST hoop she must jump through to see her grandkids, and she is

refusing to do this first thing. If she can't manage this, she can't manage the

rest.

She *says* she is abiding by the rules, but apparently has no intention of doing

so.

(Not only that, even if she did honor the boundaries, this constant whining

about them is BS. She is playing victim about boundaries being imposed on

her--boundaries that are only necessary because she cannot behave correctly/play

nice with others.)