Update, Questions, Feelings, Is this what life is going to be like?

[Guest guest]

Hey Everyone! I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to write this in a journal

kind of style. I find it easier to keep my thoughts flowing and less pressured

to make good transitions. I'm not a writer, after all.

So, I posted a couple of messages a couple of months ago and have neglected to

check up on them and write back to any of the people who gave me feedback. So,

here is my little update.

I'm doing a bit better than I was in September. I've pulled myself out of a deep

depression and have started to take niacin and St. 's Wort pills to help

manage my depression. But I'm starting to think it isn't depression that I have

anymore. It might be situational, it might not, but I really wonder if its

really depression and anxiety I'm dealing with here. Once I noticed my problem,

it started to get worse. Which might have something to do with anxiety, but I

can't be sure.

Its kind of hard to explain and I'm not very good at expressing my thoughts and

feelings, but I'm going to give it a shot. I feel blah. Today? Blah. Yesterday?

Blah. Tomorrow? Probably blah. I don't have emotions! I rarely get angry, I

hardly get mad, I never feel excited, etc. Is it because I can't identify these

feelings? Or is it because I've been taught to suppress all feelings to take

care of others? Am I manipulator? Am I good person? Am I fun to be around? Do

people like me? Am I pretty? Why am I wearing this? What are they thinking of

me? How do I react? How do I respond? I don't know what to say. How come I never

thought of that? These are the questions that go through my head daily. And I'm

tired of hearing it. I'm so sick and tired of feeling so worthless to myself and

to other people.

Why am I even here?

I'm not good enough for anyone.

I might feel better, but mentally, emotionally, I'm torn up on the inside. I

know its going to take a long time to change my thoughts, but I don't' want to

feel like this anymore. I have so much anxiety, being out in public or even

being around people that I'm only acquainted with makes me freeze. I don't know

what to say, I don't know how to act, I don't even have logical or sensical

thoughts going through my head.

Is this what it is like being raised by someone with BPD? It feels like I've

just been like this forever.

I don't know which step to take. Am I afraid I'm going to succeed? Or am I

afraid that I won't? If I succeed, how will I be able to handle all of the

attention I get? I don't like being the center of attention. I don't like having

your undivided attention. But hey! Look at me! Notice me! Compliment me, Please?

Say something nice to me! Come over here and introduce yourself to me because I

won't. I'm too afraid I'll say something stupid.

I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here. I just want to love me for me.

Think about what I want, and not what others want or what others might think.

Its much harder than I was expecting.

If someone has some advice, that'd be wonderful. I don't know what I'm looking

for, but pray I'll find it.

I know it seems more like a rant, but I had to let my feelings out somehow and

posting it on something as public as Facebook seemed stupid. You all understand.

You don't judge.

Thanks so much.

-Angelina (Angie) from Minnesota.

[Guest guest]

None of us has a crystal ball, but I do know that life is about change. Nothing

ever stays in stasis. Things may seem to pause for a while, but life is really

moving forward with time, and change happens, for good and for bad.

So if you are in a time of flux and great change, or in a time of calm

stability, it too will eventually change. Just by existing from day to day you

will notice that changes in your feelings will happen.

Not that you are bipolar, but I've heard a couple of people I know who are

bipolar say a similar thing when they become stabilized: that just the more

normal, minor, less extreme fluctuations in emotion feel... " blah " .

Not being on a roller coaster of emotion would feel kind of, well, unexciting

compared to VERY high highs and REALLY low lows, I guess. So, it takes a while

to adjust to a new definition and experience of " normal. " I think it has to do

with normalizing the amount of adrenaline in your system, if I remember what

I've read correctly.

So I guess my suggestion is to relax into your new " normal " , if you feel

energetic, go for it and do something fun, interesting or productive. If you

don't feel very energetic, have a relaxing day.

I hope you will find a way to enjoy your new freedom (from depression) and have

a lovely time.

-Annie

>

> Hey Everyone! I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to write this in a journal

kind of style. I find it easier to keep my thoughts flowing and less pressured

to make good transitions. I'm not a writer, after all.

>

> So, I posted a couple of messages a couple of months ago and have neglected to

check up on them and write back to any of the people who gave me feedback. So,

here is my little update.

>

> I'm doing a bit better than I was in September. I've pulled myself out of a

deep depression and have started to take niacin and St. 's Wort pills to

help manage my depression. But I'm starting to think it isn't depression that I

have anymore. It might be situational, it might not, but I really wonder if its

really depression and anxiety I'm dealing with here. Once I noticed my problem,

it started to get worse. Which might have something to do with anxiety, but I

can't be sure.

>

> Its kind of hard to explain and I'm not very good at expressing my thoughts

and feelings, but I'm going to give it a shot. I feel blah. Today? Blah.

Yesterday? Blah. Tomorrow? Probably blah. I don't have emotions! I rarely get

angry, I hardly get mad, I never feel excited, etc. Is it because I can't

identify these feelings? Or is it because I've been taught to suppress all

feelings to take care of others? Am I manipulator? Am I good person? Am I fun to

be around? Do people like me? Am I pretty? Why am I wearing this? What are they

thinking of me? How do I react? How do I respond? I don't know what to say. How

come I never thought of that? These are the questions that go through my head

daily. And I'm tired of hearing it. I'm so sick and tired of feeling so

worthless to myself and to other people.

>

> Why am I even here?

>

> I'm not good enough for anyone.

>

> I might feel better, but mentally, emotionally, I'm torn up on the inside. I

know its going to take a long time to change my thoughts, but I don't' want to

feel like this anymore. I have so much anxiety, being out in public or even

being around people that I'm only acquainted with makes me freeze. I don't know

what to say, I don't know how to act, I don't even have logical or sensical

thoughts going through my head.

>

> Is this what it is like being raised by someone with BPD? It feels like I've

just been like this forever.

>

> I don't know which step to take. Am I afraid I'm going to succeed? Or am I

afraid that I won't? If I succeed, how will I be able to handle all of the

attention I get? I don't like being the center of attention. I don't like having

your undivided attention. But hey! Look at me! Notice me! Compliment me, Please?

Say something nice to me! Come over here and introduce yourself to me because I

won't. I'm too afraid I'll say something stupid.

>

> I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here. I just want to love me for me.

Think about what I want, and not what others want or what others might think.

Its much harder than I was expecting.

>

> If someone has some advice, that'd be wonderful. I don't know what I'm looking

for, but pray I'll find it.

>

> I know it seems more like a rant, but I had to let my feelings out somehow and

posting it on something as public as Facebook seemed stupid. You all understand.

You don't judge.

>

> Thanks so much.

>

> -Angelina (Angie) from Minnesota.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Ang

I have battled a tendency to depression all my life. Recently, I

slipped into a really deep and dangerous bout. There are many

possibilities for why, but I m fairly sure life with Nada had a lot to

do with it. Be that as it may, I can t let it kick my butt and just

curl up to die.

I have , reluctantly used anti depressants to help break the cycle of

depression, and get me to the place where I could care enough to want to

deal with the issues. For me, I found if I do not deal with the

underlying issues and wounds, they will surely come back to hurt me

again and again.

I found a good Therapist, and with her help, have done a lot of peeling

back the onion of my wounds and empty places. A good , compassionate T

can be a great help in getting to the issues. The good T will not

present you with solutions, but rather will help you decide what are

your best solutions to each layer of the onion of your emotions. We do

end up with a lot of stuff, we KO s, and sadly, on top of that, our

model for how to deal with " stuff " was a mentally ill Mom or Dad, whose

coping strategies came out of BPD. No wonder we reach adulthood screwed

up!

A lot of the thoughts you shared here show the suppressed emotions we

learn because Nada is so over the top in hers, and ours are received so

poorly. Your fears of what people think and whether you are worthy may

come from the fact that rather than building you up and encouraging you

as a young woman, your Nada saw you as an extension of her own needs.

You were there not because you were a worthwhile girl and young woman,

but because Nada needed you to prop up her own fragile sense of self.

For her, you did not exist aside from her need for you, hence for you,

the message is clear: You don t exist. You are not Angie, you are MY

Daughter, and she is THE Mother! I bet you ve heard that speech!

In answer to your question, Yes! This is what it is like , being raised

by a BPD parent. We have lots of holes and wounds. But we can heal.

We DO heal. My best advice: go find that therapist and get some help

sorting it all out. Counter the messages from Nada. You ARE

worthwhile, you are worth living, and being part of peoples lives, and

you are worthy of Love.

And you are worth the hard work , yes, and pain, of healing.

I hope you do.

Indeed, may we all heal!

Doug

>

> Hey Everyone! I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to write this in a

journal kind of style. I find it easier to keep my thoughts flowing and

less pressured to make good transitions. I'm not a writer, after all.

>

> So, I posted a couple of messages a couple of months ago and have

neglected to check up on them and write back to any of the people who

gave me feedback. So, here is my little update.

>

> I'm doing a bit better than I was in September. I've pulled myself out

of a deep depression and have started to take niacin and St. 's Wort

pills to help manage my depression. But I'm starting to think it isn't

depression that I have anymore. It might be situational, it might not,

but I really wonder if its really depression and anxiety I'm dealing

with here. Once I noticed my problem, it started to get worse. Which

might have something to do with anxiety, but I can't be sure.

>

> Its kind of hard to explain and I'm not very good at expressing my

thoughts and feelings, but I'm going to give it a shot. I feel blah.

Today? Blah. Yesterday? Blah. Tomorrow? Probably blah. I don't have

emotions! I rarely get angry, I hardly get mad, I never feel excited,

etc. Is it because I can't identify these feelings? Or is it because

I've been taught to suppress all feelings to take care of others? Am I

manipulator? Am I good person? Am I fun to be around? Do people like me?

Am I pretty? Why am I wearing this? What are they thinking of me? How do

I react? How do I respond? I don't know what to say. How come I never

thought of that? These are the questions that go through my head daily.

And I'm tired of hearing it. I'm so sick and tired of feeling so

worthless to myself and to other people.

>

> Why am I even here?

>

> I'm not good enough for anyone.

>

> I might feel better, but mentally, emotionally, I'm torn up on the

inside. I know its going to take a long time to change my thoughts, but

I don't' want to feel like this anymore. I have so much anxiety, being

out in public or even being around people that I'm only acquainted with

makes me freeze. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act, I

don't even have logical or sensical thoughts going through my head.

>

> Is this what it is like being raised by someone with BPD? It feels

like I've just been like this forever.

>

> I don't know which step to take. Am I afraid I'm going to succeed? Or

am I afraid that I won't? If I succeed, how will I be able to handle all

of the attention I get? I don't like being the center of attention. I

don't like having your undivided attention. But hey! Look at me! Notice

me! Compliment me, Please? Say something nice to me! Come over here and

introduce yourself to me because I won't. I'm too afraid I'll say

something stupid.

>

> I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here. I just want to love me

for me. Think about what I want, and not what others want or what others

might think. Its much harder than I was expecting.

>

> If someone has some advice, that'd be wonderful. I don't know what I'm

looking for, but pray I'll find it.

>

> I know it seems more like a rant, but I had to let my feelings out

somehow and posting it on something as public as Facebook seemed stupid.

You all understand. You don't judge.

>

> Thanks so much.

>

> -Angelina (Angie) from Minnesota.

>