I played baseball with nada

[Guest guest]

This past weekend, I returned a phone call from nada, because I did not want her

continuing to try to reach me when I was not home.

Prior to the call, I had talked with my husband about wanting to use the DEAR

approach to communicating with nada. I was thinking aloud about the fact that

nada is always lighting into me with " you " messages. Like a machine-gun,

rapid-fire. I no longer feel like I am supposed to " take " it, defend it, laugh

or slough it off. It is just plain not acceptable, as most of the things nada

says about me are patently untrue. They usually just push old buttons. She may

not be as conscious of it as me, but these kind of remarks seem to unzip

whatever self-esteem I have.

As DH and I talked about baseball, he communicated strategy with me. One, two,

three you are out. He reminded me about fouls, and we discussed what a foul

might be in a conversation with nada. Thinking about it, made me feel like I

was ready to call nada and get to work on the approach! So I did.

As soon as I got ahold of nada, she was snarky. I was in a neutral tone asking

her how she was. " Oh, you're playing nice today! " Right then I wanted to hang

up, but that was not part of my new strategy. Assertively I said. " I am starting

with a clean slate, and a good attitude. You want to take it to a different

place? " She changed her tone for all of thirty seconds, then fast and hard came

the " you " messages. " You are getting in the way of my business with Uncle W's

estate. You are …. " and I immediately switched to speaker phone…. because I

simply cannot stand her voice in my head. I need the phone propped on my

chopping board in my kitchen.

When I finally get her back, my son has come in the kitchen, and is motioning to

me to tell her he is not home.

The " you " messages are still happening, and they are all false. So I step in and

say, " We are playing baseball now, Mom.

You just said X. And you said, Y, that is strike one and strike two. "

It is quiet on the other end. " Baseball, mom, you know how it is played? You

just said two things about me that are not true. Three strikes and you are out. "

" Oh, you need to tell me when I am wrong, " she says.

" I just did. There are foul balls too, mom. " Of course, I should not use a foul

to give her a second chance. That is not how baseball is played. Next time I'll

get it right. Only what would a foul ball really mean in nada baseball?

I know I am going to give her a second chance, this time, because the game is

so new to her.

But she insists on using another " You " statement to attack/denigrate/belittle

me. So I say, " That looks like a strike to me, mom, but can give you another

chance mom, to be kind if you want. "

" Are you kidding, you little biddy? & ^ & *JJJHUGOFIIGFOGGRGF " she says. I cut her

off, " So, mom, do I understand you don't want me to give you the benefit of the

doubt? "

I don't wait for an answer, " Well then, good bye! " I say.

This is likely nada success.

Oh well, I really did want to talk to anyone that was looking for the bad in me,

anyways.

[Guest guest]

*high five*

Good for you! I love the baseball approach. If I ever run into a situation

where I must be LC with my fada and dishrag mom, or bada, I'm totally going

to use that approach. I like how it gives you a very concrete line of when

you should hang up.

Holly

On Wed, Nov 16, 2011 at 12:11 PM, V.S. wrote:

> This past weekend, I returned a phone call from nada, because I did not

> want her continuing to try to reach me when I was not home.

>

> Prior to the call, I had talked with my husband about wanting to use the

> DEAR approach to communicating with nada. I was thinking aloud about the

> fact that nada is always lighting into me with " you " messages. Like a

> machine-gun, rapid-fire. I no longer feel like I am supposed to " take " it,

> defend it, laugh or slough it off. It is just plain not acceptable, as

> most of the things nada says about me are patently untrue. They usually

> just push old buttons. She may not be as conscious of it as me, but these

> kind of remarks seem to unzip whatever self-esteem I have.

>

> As DH and I talked about baseball, he communicated strategy with me. One,

> two, three you are out. He reminded me about fouls, and we discussed what

> a foul might be in a conversation with nada. Thinking about it, made me

> feel like I was ready to call nada and get to work on the approach! So I

> did.

>

> As soon as I got ahold of nada, she was snarky. I was in a neutral tone

> asking her how she was. " Oh, you're playing nice today! " Right then I

> wanted to hang up, but that was not part of my new strategy. Assertively I

> said. " I am starting with a clean slate, and a good attitude. You want to

> take it to a different place? " She changed her tone for all of thirty

> seconds, then fast and hard came the " you " messages. " You are getting in

> the way of my business with Uncle W's estate. You are …. " and I

> immediately switched to speaker phone…. because I simply cannot stand her

> voice in my head. I need the phone propped on my chopping board in my

> kitchen.

>

>

> When I finally get her back, my son has come in the kitchen, and is

> motioning to me to tell her he is not home.

> The " you " messages are still happening, and they are all false. So I step

> in and say, " We are playing baseball now, Mom.

> You just said X. And you said, Y, that is strike one and strike two. "

>

> It is quiet on the other end. " Baseball, mom, you know how it is played?

> You just said two things about me that are not true. Three strikes and you

> are out. "

>

> " Oh, you need to tell me when I am wrong, " she says.

>

> " I just did. There are foul balls too, mom. " Of course, I should not use

> a foul to give her a second chance. That is not how baseball is played.

> Next time I'll get it right. Only what would a foul ball really mean in

> nada baseball?

>

> I know I am going to give her a second chance, this time, because the

> game is so new to her.

>

> But she insists on using another " You " statement to

> attack/denigrate/belittle me. So I say, " That looks like a strike to me,

> mom, but can give you another chance mom, to be kind if you want. "

>

> " Are you kidding, you little biddy? & ^ & *JJJHUGOFIIGFOGGRGF " she says. I

> cut her off, " So, mom, do I understand you don't want me to give you the

> benefit of the doubt? "

>

> I don't wait for an answer, " Well then, good bye! " I say.

>

> This is likely nada success.

>

> Oh well, I really did want to talk to anyone that was looking for the bad

> in me, anyways.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>