I played baseball with nada

November 16, 2011

Maybe I should also share that I'd asked my DH what happens when the batter hits

a ball right at the pitcher's nose. He told me that I was making too much of the

baseball metaphor.

When talked over the conversation later with a friend of mine, who is like a

sister to me, she informed me drily, that nada seems to be the pitcher and she

is throwing spitballs. Which, by the way, hubby says are illegal in baseball.

So hmm. Maybe I need to remember I am the ump, and to step back and realize that

the game really doesn't have a thing to do with me.

I guess the feeling of loneliness and meaningless that evokes, is what I have

been avoiding by even trying to have a relationship with the Wicked Witch of the

West. Or, maybe the analogy is not that she is throwing spitballs… no, let me

see: she's trying to whack me with the same broom she used in childhood!

I already met her across that broom when I was 16. Maybe it is time for me to

remember THAT. And simply identify the FOUL and give her three tries to: Stop

It. Now. Or I am leaving this field so you can play by yourself.

~

November 16, 2011

I think you have made an awesome amount of progress in your awareness of your

whole nada situation/relationship/dynamic over the last couple of years. You

used to take what she said to you so deeply into yourself, and now you have been

able to step back and be so much more objective and detached from her opinion of

you and treatment of you. I find that so remarkable and even amazing because

your nada is so blatantly and openly hostile to you, as though she hates every

fiber of your being.

I myself was not able to handle my nada's more subtle, passive-aggressive

hostility; I think that if my nada had ever spoken to me the way yours speaks to

you, I would have either had a big fat explosive aneurism (from blood pressure

spiking) or gone completely No Contact a long, long time ago. So I am in awe of

your courage and stamina, and both in awe of and puzzled by your desire to even

remain in contact with someone who seems (to me, anyway) to sincerely want to

rip your guts out with her teeth each time she talks to you.

If I may ask, are you continuing to remain in contact so that you will be able

to say to yourself that you never gave up trying to have a good relationship

with your nada, as perhaps a kind of guilt-preventative when she passes away?

Or, perhaps, is this a way for you to incrementally gain the ability to achieve

total emotional detachment from your nada?

I'm asking because in a way you remind me of my Sister, who for her own reasons

decided to remain in contact with our nada despite our nada's rather frequent

verbal/emotional mistreatment of Sister, both before and after nada's additional

diagnosis of Alzheimer's. My Sister somehow managed to achieve virtually total

emotional detachment, though: she no longer thinks of our nada as her " Mother " .

Sister told me that in her mind our mother died, and now this person is just one

of her clients: a pathetic, hateful, frightened old woman that Sister is

responsible for making sure her physical needs (shelter, medical care, legal

needs) are attended to properly, and very little else. I admire my Sister; she

is doing something she finds personally extremely distasteful (and yes, the

verbal abuse still hurts her, I know) but yet she is providing supervision RE

our nada's care ANYWAY. In my opinion, my Sister is pretty darn close to being

a living Saint.

So if that is too personal a question, please do not feel like you have to

answer, and my apologies.

-Annie

>

> This past weekend, I returned a phone call from nada, because I did not want

her continuing to try to reach me when I was not home.

>

> Prior to the call, I had talked with my husband about wanting to use the DEAR

approach to communicating with nada. I was thinking aloud about the fact that

nada is always lighting into me with " you " messages. Like a machine-gun,

rapid-fire. I no longer feel like I am supposed to " take " it, defend it, laugh

or slough it off. It is just plain not acceptable, as most of the things nada

says about me are patently untrue. They usually just push old buttons. She may

not be as conscious of it as me, but these kind of remarks seem to unzip

whatever self-esteem I have.

>

> As DH and I talked about baseball, he communicated strategy with me. One,

two, three you are out. He reminded me about fouls, and we discussed what a

foul might be in a conversation with nada. Thinking about it, made me feel like

I was ready to call nada and get to work on the approach! So I did.

>

> As soon as I got ahold of nada, she was snarky. I was in a neutral tone asking

her how she was. " Oh, you're playing nice today! " Right then I wanted to hang

up, but that was not part of my new strategy. Assertively I said. " I am starting

with a clean slate, and a good attitude. You want to take it to a different

place? " She changed her tone for all of thirty seconds, then fast and hard came

the " you " messages. " You are getting in the way of my business with Uncle W's

estate. You are …. " and I immediately switched to speaker phone…. because I

simply cannot stand her voice in my head. I need the phone propped on my

chopping board in my kitchen.

>

> When I finally get her back, my son has come in the kitchen, and is motioning

to me to tell her he is not home.

> The " you " messages are still happening, and they are all false. So I step in

and say, " We are playing baseball now, Mom.

> You just said X. And you said, Y, that is strike one and strike two. "

>

> It is quiet on the other end. " Baseball, mom, you know how it is played? You

just said two things about me that are not true. Three strikes and you are out. "

>

> " Oh, you need to tell me when I am wrong, " she says.

>

> " I just did. There are foul balls too, mom. " Of course, I should not use a

foul to give her a second chance. That is not how baseball is played. Next time

I'll get it right. Only what would a foul ball really mean in nada baseball?

>

> I know I am going to give her a second chance, this time, because the game is

so new to her.

>

> But she insists on using another " You " statement to attack/denigrate/belittle

me. So I say, " That looks like a strike to me, mom, but can give you another

chance mom, to be kind if you want. "

>

> " Are you kidding, you little biddy? & ^ & *JJJHUGOFIIGFOGGRGF " she says. I cut

her off, " So, mom, do I understand you don't want me to give you the benefit of

the doubt? "

>

> I don't wait for an answer, " Well then, good bye! " I say.

>

> This is likely nada success.

>

> Oh well, I really did want to talk to anyone that was looking for the bad in

me, anyways.

>

November 16, 2011

I sound like I have a sense of humor, but I really am sad.

I am having success with ME, but nada does not want to be a part of it. The

little girl inside me is who I think I am honoring.

My mom's story is an important one. I feel blessed to be alive and to have been

part of extended family. My standards for family are high. Idealistic. And my

actual abilities are so limited, that I think that my stubborn nature is what is

keeping me hooked.

To be fair to myself, there is a spiritual part to this. I've wanted to be able

to look my Maker in the eye and know that I tried everything I could. Now, my

new spiritual goal is to treat myself with great respect and compassion. And

there is that little girl inside of me that knows that nada would have done

everything to rescue me from a burning building, and so I feel the desire to do

the same. The Parent part of me is also reasoning with my little girl, helping

her to grow up, and being very patient too. NOT telling me that I HAVE to write

nada off… but letting me learn everything I need from this experience.

Maybe that makes sense? Maybe my understanding will change again. Thanks all for

witnessing, and sharing your own experiences with me.

Together we are strong.

best,

November 16, 2011

Well, all I can say is that I am impressed both with my Sister's determination

to remain in contact with our nada, and your determination to remain in contact

with yours. I admire your selflessness; its pretty awesome. I think there is a

spiritual aspect to my Sister's motivation, also.

And yet, while I wish that I had a similar degree of fortitude, determination

and selflessness, when I've examined my feelings in the quiet hours of the

night, I am relieved to find that I really do not feel guilty any more. I used

to, but, over the years I've come think that in the after-life (if there is one;

I'm not so sure about that either any longer) I won't be held accountable for

having chosen my own mental and physical survival over my mother's feelings.

I've reached the point regarding my nada's feelings, that Rhett did at

the end of " Gone With The Wind " , when he said to Scarlett, " ly, my dear, I

don't give a damn. " Meaning, my nada's feelings are her own to manage and

possess and live with; its not my job to make her happy, nor is it my job to put

up with her abuse. I will help contribute financially to taking care of my

nada's physical/medical/care needs when it comes to that point, but, I just do

not give a damn about her feelings any longer.

I have to admit that I do feel some pity for her, as I feel pity for anyone

whose brain is dissolving from dementia (its a pretty horrible way to go) but I

can feel pity without also feeling responsible for making my nada pleased with

me any longer.

So, am I understanding correctly that your nada was not always like she is now?

In your childhood or earlier stages of life, was your nada kind and nurturing

and would have braved a burning building to rescue you? I'm wanting to

understand more about your determination to remain in contact.

-Annie

>

> I sound like I have a sense of humor, but I really am sad.

>

> I am having success with ME, but nada does not want to be a part of it. The

little girl inside me is who I think I am honoring.

>

> My mom's story is an important one. I feel blessed to be alive and to have

been part of extended family. My standards for family are high. Idealistic. And

my actual abilities are so limited, that I think that my stubborn nature is what

is keeping me hooked.

>

> To be fair to myself, there is a spiritual part to this. I've wanted to be

able to look my Maker in the eye and know that I tried everything I could. Now,

my new spiritual goal is to treat myself with great respect and compassion. And

there is that little girl inside of me that knows that nada would have done

everything to rescue me from a burning building, and so I feel the desire to do

the same. The Parent part of me is also reasoning with my little girl, helping

her to grow up, and being very patient too. NOT telling me that I HAVE to write

nada off… but letting me learn everything I need from this experience.

>

> Maybe that makes sense? Maybe my understanding will change again. Thanks all

for witnessing, and sharing your own experiences with me.

>

> Together we are strong.

>

> best,

>

November 16, 2011

Hey, any way you can fulfill the need to communicate with your nada and maintain

your boundaries is a win. Using analogy in this way is brilliant--the

intellectual challenges help you maintain a buffer between your emotional

responses. And even a mean spirited nada can understand baseball analogy, so she

can hardly accuse you of playing a game on her that she can't understand.

This is just another of your posts that suggest to me your brain power probably

scares the crap out of your nada, . Kudos!