Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? Yes, and no. I think my parent saw me as a *part of her.* When I was a child, I think she saw me as Little Her; in other words, whatever she would have felt as a child is what I must feel. (Opposite of empathy?) However, the extent to which my mother used me for her own emotional needs made me feel she did not respect me as a person. Perhaps it would be better to say she did not treat me as a *separate* person, just another part of herself. What you are describing reminds me more of other Cluster 2 disorders, more so than BPD. Does your mother have any AntiSocialPD or NarcissiticPD traits? Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 (((((Tag))))) I think I understand what you are perceiving. I too came to the conclusion a while back that my nada was for the most part incapable of viewing me as a separate, individual human being with my own tastes, opinions, and needs that differed from hers. She was pretty much only able to see me and relate to me as sort of a little clone of herself. Her " mini-me. " I was only allowed to feel happy if she was happy, and sad if she was sad, like what she liked, hate who and what she hated, and I was expected to be perfect, as she demanded perfection of herself. I think you are right and your nada was not capable of viewing you as a person with the right to have your own needs and feelings, equal to her own rights. We as human beings are so hard-wired to bond with and trust our own mother that its nearly impossible for us to grasp that our own mother may actually hate us, resent us, and wish we'd never been born. I think the more severely disturbed pd women who have extreme borderline pd, extreme narcissistic pd, or even psychopathy, who are not able to form a normal bond with their own child or view their own child as anything other than an object or possession: these women need intensive monitoring and supervision while parenting, or they need to give up their child to an empathetic, nurturing caregiver who can provide these essential qualities for the child's normal development. I think its cruel for a child to be left in the sole care of a mother who has no capacity for empathy, no compassion, and possibly no conscience. -Annie > > Hi Everyone > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Yes there are a lot of selfish narcisistic parents about who do not care about their off spring's feelings. They get jealous of them, they verbally abuse them, they show them a lack of respect. I do not think it is because they expect perfection from you because they expect it themselves. I think it is because they think they did you a huge favour by bringing you into the World and they brought you into the World to serve them and be available to them. Their offspring's needs are then totally irrelevant and get in the way of their own needs. With my parents if I was busy with a friend they were put out that I had a friend and hated it and preferred me to have no friends at all so that I was never too busy for them. The fact this would make me miserable and lonely was irrelevant. If I invited a friend over for a meal and cooked my friend a lovely meal and told my parents they would go on about how I am making more of a fuss of my friend than I do of them and get very jealous. If I met a man and fell in love and wanted to spend lots of time with the object of my desires they would make nasty comments about how we are spending too much time together and should see a lot less of each other and if I saw them more and thought about them more I would not need the man so much. Even when I was aged 45 and seeing a man I had been seeing for eight years they got annoyed and jealous because they said they should always be far more important to me than him or anyone else. What made this even more ridiculous was that they were never there for me when I needed support or help. My father had disappeared and run off with another woman when I was 15. He made it clear to me he never wanted to see me or hear from me again, he would not even give me his address and phone number. When he heard I was in hospital with a nervous breakdown it made no difference, he would not even phone. But years later he thought he could just waltz back and make demands and criticise. My mother would come to me trying to get lots of money off of me, and when I was young and living with her she also told men that if they gave her money they could have sex with me - of course i DID NOT go along with this! It was like she saw pound signs in her eyes when she looked at me. When she got a new boyfriend and he turned out to be a sex perv trying it on with me all of the time she turned her back on me and was nasty to me and stayed with him and shut me out of her life until many years later when this man died. Then she thought she could be demanding again. I deal with it by having lots of barriers and boundaries. For example, I live a long way away from my mother and it is best that way. If she wants to live near me she can move to be near me - after all it was her that moved away and it costs a lot to move. I am not going through all of that hassle, expense my lovely house and friends to please her. My mother still tries to make demands and bully me even though all of our contact is on the phone. I put my phone down and say NO. I am 54 now and have always had to stand on my own two feet financially and emotionally. I will not allow her to drain me of either. There are lots of sub divisions that come off of this. For one thing how can you trust other people you meet later in life if your own family just want to mess you around, use you or abuse you? You will forever be unsure of other people. You also become unsure of yourself because somehow it must be your fault that your parent tries to treat you this way. Maybe you are ugly, or unloveable, boring or stupid? If your own parents do not love you how can a stranger? You try hard to please people. They then pick up on this and take advantage. IT BECOMES A VICIOUS CIRCLE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Hi Tag: Your situation is almost identical to mine. I think my nada assumed it up once when she slapped me across the face and told me " I never wanted you, you were a mistake. " The BPD nada is incapable of love and affection and caring for another human being - so yes we are meant to feel that we are just objects or targets for their venom. I had a run in with my nada last night and it really hit me that my nada would feed me to the wolves or push me in front of a bus if it meant saving herself. Since I was a little girl she has fed me nonstop distorted versions of her parenting that she was so loving and we kids were the centre of her universe blah blah blah. I think that is why I have often felt " crazy " for feeling unloved and unsafe around her. The thing I am really appreciating about being in this group is that for the VERY FIRST time in my pretty miserable life, I am not alone and I am not the crazy one. Makes me sad but I also am glad you shared this. Koko > > Hi Everyone > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Hi Tag I think it's a break through when you come to a realization-- recently I have had several. It helps to make sense out of who we are. But with that comes more hurt and longing for a Mom that we will never have. I have found it mind boggling how confusing this all can be; trying to make sense and put it all in neat tidy rows in my head. Maybe Someday. I'm sorry your mom gave cherrished items away and had to lie about it. That is very sad. Cruel. What does my BPD mom think of me....She believes that I am here on this earth to take care of her emotional needs. I was the daughter who pleased. I went great lengths trying to make her happy. Of course, nothing will truly make this woman happy. I am to put her first before anyone else. I am to put her first before my husband and my children. I used to do that. It has been a " sick tango that we have danced together. " I had been doing this since birth so it's hard to make sense of what this was all about. I knew something was not right but just couldn't really pin point it. My Nada has told me many times, " When you were a little girl you always wanted to be on my lap, I just had to keep pushing you off or you would have spent your young years sitting there. " Now that is sick...it's sick she doesn't see that she was not being a Mommy. She never read me a book. She couldn't be bothered. She can't give without strings attached. I would never dare to disagree with her because of her wrath. I always agreed, I wore what she picked out for me....Prom Dress, Graduation dress etc... Yes, an extension of her. Thankfully I live far away from her. I have only crossed her a few times in my life and it was ugly. There are times I find myself slipping back into those modes of wanting to please. So for now, I'm keeping a distance so I can heal. TTH > > Hi Everyone > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Thank you for this - my hair is standing on end again because I could have written it (I had the same sitting on the lap thing said to me), but everytime I come here I get understanding and comfort - I appreciate your thoughts. Hugs to you. Tag > > > > Hi Everyone > > > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Hi Koko - thank you for your response. I felt so unsafe, yet I clung to my Mom because she drilled into me that I had the best mother in the world and she was all I had. Little did I know I was clinging to the very person who was putting me in jeopardy every day from her psychological abuse. No - you are not crazy - I am not crazy. I'm so glad you are here talking things through and finding support. Thank you again. Tag > > > > Hi Everyone > > > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 This summer when my nada, brother, niece and nephew were visiting I had a very similar realization. I actually texted one of my good friends something very similar to this. All of the sudden it occurred to me that my nada never realized that she was supposed to parent me, set a good example for how to live life, support my education, help guide my future, etc. I was something that had to get done. She had to " take care of me " . I was clean and fed and lived in a sickeningly clean house, but she never saw that it was her responsibility as my mother to show me how to live a good, happy life. I was lucky that I never suffered physical abuse or neglect, but she never saw parenting as something more than a responsibility. She was impatient and constantly irritated by things that kids just do. I remember hearing all about how I " asked so many damn questions " as a kid. Because when kids are young it's a natural developmental thing to ask " why " all of the time. Instead of helping to nurture my curiosity she killed it and she made me never feel safe asking questions or expressing my feelings. It's interesting because now I teach young children and I know I really am a great mom to my little guy. Every time she visits she makes a comment about what a better mother I am than she was. Not as a compliment of course. It makes her feel bad about herself when she sees me doing things w/ my son that she never would have dreamed of. When she made the comment this summer my 11-year old niece told her that she was still a mom so she didn't have to give up trying yet. Pretty insightful I thought:). Of course my nada didn't hear a word of what she said. I also heard all of the time about how good we had it and my complaints were never listened to or valued. I remember being told how I always loved dinners she would make all the time and that I was " wrong " . Every time I'd tell her I didn't like it and she never listened and told me that I'd always loved it. Crazy. It's nice to know that I'm not alone w/ all of these experiences after feeling I was for so long. > > > > Hi Everyone > > > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 I think what you are describing is what I went through as well, and it is called " betrayal bonding " , or " trauma bonding " . It happens when the person who has total and absolute control over the child (to the point of having the power of life or death over the child) is sometimes intermittently kind but is mostly very abusive or rejecting/negligent or even dangerous to the child. " Betrayal/trauma bonding " is the basis of the " Stockholm Syndrome " and can happen even to relatively mentally healthy adults. If a person is kidnapped, isolated, tied up, tortured, and realizes that her captor has total, absolute power over her (the captive must even ask permission to use the bathroom, etc.); if the captor has the very real power of life and death over her, and there is no escape, and the prisoner is captive for longer than just a few hours, and if her captor is perceived as sometimes being kind (captor provides water and food), then something inside the captive can snap: The captive can revert to a child-like emotional state, and begin to bond intensely with her captor to hopefully elicit a feeling of caring on the part of the captor, which will hopefully prevent or reduce more incidents of abuse (including rape) or threats of death. Military and intelligence personnel get special training in order to endure such situations as long-term imprisonment and torture and not succumb to that unconscious survival mechanism, i.e., reverting to a emotionally primitive, child-like state of utter dependence on and bonding with their captor. When a parent is abusive and rejecting but sometimes kind, the very small child goes into survival mode and will bond even more closely and fiercely with her abusive parent in an unconscious attempt to elicit some spark of caring from the parent in response; the child will be abjectly grateful for even the smallest signs of love and caring. I believe I was trauma-bonded with my nada up until my mid-thirties. Then she and dad moved away from me. I think its not unlikely that I would probably have remained enmeshed with them (well, with nada; my dad died about 16 years ago) to this day if they hadn't moved 2K miles away from me. -Annie > > > > > > Hi Everyone > > > > > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > > > > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > > > > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > > > > > Tag > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Hi, I'm new here and this is my 1st post. I just wanted you all to know how much this string of posts is helping me right now. Your words and thoughtful insights are so familiar to me, it's as if you've grown up with MY mom. I'm reading all this with tears running down my cheeks as I slowly realize that she will never be the mom I hoped she could some day be. the difference with my mom is she sees me as a part of her, but an essential part of her. she clings to me as if her life depends on it, but she doesn't really see ME and never has. but she will never leave me as she needs me so much. I will have to be the one to leave her, and continually fight her off. she's like a parasite, sucking every ounce of life out of me for her own survival. > > Hi Everyone > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Tag, you speak to the heart of it. My mother has always seen me as her sister - and I would guess maybe older sister at that. I even saw a psychic one time that confirmed this with no hints from me! When she's feeling reflective and talking about ways in which she thinks how she was raised damaged her, she'll talk to me about how " we " were raised and about what " we " weren't taught. In her mind her grandparents ARE my parents. And in a weird way to reinforce that whenever my grandparents made gifts of money or in their will I was given and equal amount as my mother - though I often though they may have done that out of guilt. I think it will always hurt to know that I was never seen as a child - just like you said Tag - not there to be nurtured or protected. That was never her job in her mind, so that it failed to happen is not her fault...in her mind. HUGS to us all. Eliza > > Hi Everyone > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Oh my goodness Annie... More insight. I think this fits me. Trauma bonding. I was certainly enmeshed. I have wondered why I have this sick need to please and not be able to stand up to her. Never sharing my own opinion. Keeping things from her because I know what she will say. Little things like where I may have purchased a new dress for example. Not wanting to hear, " Well it must be nice that your hubby lets you shop there. " She makes a lot of statements like that. Not totally mean but the underlining message is mean. I have not felt worthy of much. I'm 45 and I'm just now putting up healthy boundaries. This after 5 years of researching and understanding and finding my way here. In Sept. I lost it with her ( needing to focus on my daughter's surgery) and said some real truths to her but in a very angry way. It was so awful but necessary. We were yelling back and forth. I have only done this maybe 3 times in my life. Why has it taken me so long to get the courage to stand up for myself? Why, when I talk to her on the phone she says one nice thing I cave and say to myself...it's all okay. Maybe this is all in my head. Because I long for the loving Mom I need. I get it for a moment and I'm putty. But, it's usally after she has been drinking her wine. I'm keeping a distance right now so I can stay strong and not fall back into old patterns with her. Thank you for sharing! You have given me more to add to my notes. Sincerely, TTH > > > > > > > > Hi Everyone > > > > > > > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > > > > > > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > > > > > > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > > > > > > > Tag > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Hi and Welcome~ I'm sort of new here too....I have lurked a bit but I have just started posting. The first time I visited this group I cried too. I was in awe that others had similar stories as mine. I spent several years trying to make sense out of my Nada and childhood and how we have been relating and why it felt so terrible. For the first time I have some clarity. That it's not me that is wrong. My childhood has affected my confidence as an adult woman. A parasite is a great analogy. I call my Mom toxic. At times she can be okay and then I'm sucked back in to her clutches. A roller coaster ride. > > > > Hi Everyone > > > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 (((Tag))) I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. It hurts like hell, I know. She sounds so detached from any feeling of empathy for others. To answer your question, I think my mother views me as a device. I am a vehicle for her safety and comfort. She is so fearful, anxious, phobic, and self-absorbed, that I believe that is how she sees me and my brother. I wonder at times if she has relationships for the simple joy of relating with others. She'll say, " oh, if it weren't for Jane, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. I only call her every day so I can hear another person's voice. " it's sad. > > Hi Everyone > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Hello and welcome - so glad you found us. I don't know how old you are, but I do want to share with you that I am 49 years old and I have waited too long (I know it's still my choice) to break off contact with my mother. She is now 89. I have made a commitment to myself to see her through to the end, although I sometimes feel like I will die before her because she causes me so much stress. This last go round had me feeling like I was going to stroke out at my desk I was so upset. So I would just say to you and others who might be on the fence about going no contact - it doesn't get better and they do continue to suck the life out of you. If I had it to do over, I would have broken away from my Mom as soon as I got married in my twenties and never had any contact with again. Being in a relationship with her has held me back in all areas of my life and continues to steal days away from me. There have been times when I have started to come back to life after she has dug her claws into me and I realize my life stops for several weeks after one of these ugly messes with her. I'll start doing some cleaning or filing some papers and it's like looking at an archeological dig where you can see the time when you got the rug pulled out from under you, you see mail that didn't get opened, things that didn't get done, and you realize you went into some time warp. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to do, but if I can save one person the time and heartache, I'd just say - get out while you can. Thank you to everyone who responded and contributed to this post. It has helped me so so much during a very difficult time. As usual - I receive understanding and healing here and I am very grateful. Hugs to all of you, Tag > > > > Hi Everyone > > > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Sad but true, I know exactly how you are feeling!! My mother only views me as someone who is out to take everything she has worked so hard for her whole life. As a child she referred to me as the devil's spawn because my father was an abusive alcoholic and now as a grown adult she treats me as a pawn in her head game for control over my life!! I didn't realize how much she truley resented me until about 2 months ago, someone close to me died and there was no compassion in her actions or words towards me, only true disgust and hatred!  Growing up I felt as though I owed her my life because she chose to have me at such a young age, now I know it was her choice not mine and although I am thankful to be here I was not the cause nor the reason that her life turned out the way it did!! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, November 17, 2011 8:48 AM Subject: Re: Who / What Am I?  (((Tag))) I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. It hurts like hell, I know. She sounds so detached from any feeling of empathy for others. To answer your question, I think my mother views me as a device. I am a vehicle for her safety and comfort. She is so fearful, anxious, phobic, and self-absorbed, that I believe that is how she sees me and my brother. I wonder at times if she has relationships for the simple joy of relating with others. She'll say, " oh, if it weren't for Jane, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. I only call her every day so I can hear another person's voice. " it's sad. > > Hi Everyone > > I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. > > The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. > > I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Hugs to you Tagimit...I was amazed to read about your time warp. I too do the exact same thing. I'll have an upsetting interaction with my nada and bills go unopened for weeks and basically any other non-urgent essential stuff doesn't get done too. I am in a similar place as you being past forty and my nada is only 70 but she's a very old 70 and I'm trying to coordinate things for her from a distance. It's not going so well give her her complete stubborness. I think the time for people to go NC and make a clean permanent break without a lot of guilt (more than the usual) is when the nada is healthy and self-supporting OR someone else officially has responsibility for them. Yet sometimes it takes till middle age to finally understand it all and by then they are elderly. Strength to us all! Eliza > > Hello and welcome - so glad you found us. I don't know how old you are, but I do want to share with you that I am 49 years old and I have waited too long (I know it's still my choice) to break off contact with my mother. She is now 89. I have made a commitment to myself to see her through to the end, although I sometimes feel like I will die before her because she causes me so much stress. This last go round had me feeling like I was going to stroke out at my desk I was so upset. So I would just say to you and others who might be on the fence about going no contact - it doesn't get better and they do continue to suck the life out of you. If I had it to do over, I would have broken away from my Mom as soon as I got married in my twenties and never had any contact with again. Being in a relationship with her has held me back in all areas of my life and continues to steal days away from me. There have been times when I have started to come back to life after she has dug her claws into me and I realize my life stops for several weeks after one of these ugly messes with her. I'll start doing some cleaning or filing some papers and it's like looking at an archeological dig where you can see the time when you got the rug pulled out from under you, you see mail that didn't get opened, things that didn't get done, and you realize you went into some time warp. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to do, but if I can save one person the time and heartache, I'd just say - get out while you can. > > Thank you to everyone who responded and contributed to this post. It has helped me so so much during a very difficult time. As usual - I receive understanding and healing here and I am very grateful. > > Hugs to all of you, > Tag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 Tag and Eliza-- I'm 45. It has taken me this long to get a grasp of what I have been dealing with all these years. Until this group and several books I was so confused. I have written in journals and talked to professionals trying to make sense. Just in the past few months the lightbulb has gone off. This group, hearing what all of you have to say, has been so incredibly confirming and validating. I wish I could have understood this sooner but better now than later. I know I'm on the edge of my Mom going into older age. She is almost 70. She too is an old 70. She looks great! She is slim and has nice skin and her body is healthy. But, she is old. Helpless. Takes anti anxiety meds mixed with alcohol at night..starting early drinking her wine in a coffee to go mug with a straw. She numbs herself every night so she rarely remembers what we talk about if I talk to her past 5:00 p.m. I told my Dad....they are not helpless right now so I'm not going to be sucked into that with her. My Dad does everything so if something should happen to him, it would be a crazy mess for my sister and I. Mostly for my sister because she is in town with them but has limited contact. I'm out of town...out of state and I will probably always be. Because, she is completely helpless when it comes to me. She is like two people. My sister is indifferent with her. My sister says it like it is. Somewhat demanding at times. My Mom will give to her. Helping with their little boy. Going out of her way for a NADA (she has been terrible to my sister) When it comes to visiting my house--- She wants me to wait on her. She can't lift a finger to help. Etc... Eliza....how far are you from your Nada? I feel for you having to deal with her across the miles. Tag...I know how it feels to become paralyzed after a visit with Nada. I'm not sure if I can completely get out. I think of my sister and I don't want to leave it all on her shoulders. Her in-laws are also there and they have issues. What is funny..her MIL is friends with our Nada and they are quite a pair. My sister and I are going to have a real heart to heart to figure this all out. Thank you for all the insight and support. > > > > Hello and welcome - so glad you found us. I don't know how old you are, but I do want to share with you that I am 49 years old and I have waited too long (I know it's still my choice) to break off contact with my mother. She is now 89. I have made a commitment to myself to see her through to the end, although I sometimes feel like I will die before her because she causes me so much stress. This last go round had me feeling like I was going to stroke out at my desk I was so upset. So I would just say to you and others who might be on the fence about going no contact - it doesn't get better and they do continue to suck the life out of you. If I had it to do over, I would have broken away from my Mom as soon as I got married in my twenties and never had any contact with again. Being in a relationship with her has held me back in all areas of my life and continues to steal days away from me. There have been times when I have started to come back to life after she has dug her claws into me and I realize my life stops for several weeks after one of these ugly messes with her. I'll start doing some cleaning or filing some papers and it's like looking at an archeological dig where you can see the time when you got the rug pulled out from under you, you see mail that didn't get opened, things that didn't get done, and you realize you went into some time warp. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to do, but if I can save one person the time and heartache, I'd just say - get out while you can. > > > > Thank you to everyone who responded and contributed to this post. It has helped me so so much during a very difficult time. As usual - I receive understanding and healing here and I am very grateful. > > > > Hugs to all of you, > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 Tag, I feel the same way...and it's true that they don't see us for who WE are. When I was 24. I took a trip to England to visit a great friend. My mother loves a certain pottery that is made there and is super expensive here. So, I drove all over the country...literally...to find the designer warehouse for this pottery. I found it (before the internet) and bought her 4 pieces that cost me about $400 total there. A few years ago when my parents were moving...I noticed the absence of these cherished pieces. When I asked my mom about it...she told me that she had packed them already. Lie. I asked my mom to see them and she couldn't produce them to me. So then she told me that she had sold them for a grand total of $200 because she didn't " need " them anymore. OK, I am a sentimental person...and things mean something to me...but this is her. Ok. But, I did a lot of legwork and spent my hard-earned money on these...she could have consulted with me first. I tried to compose myself, but it really did hurt...and I lost a bit of respect for her over this. I feel so lonely with this feeling about my mother, even though I know there are many of us out there...but it's such a personal loss of what everyone else seems to have effortlessly...the unconditional and " normal " love from a mother. Amy barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 Trying / Eliza / Everyone This goes beyond the realm of BPD and into the area of eldercare, but I'd like to offer a few things. My Mom is not wealthy, but I had to get her an attorney so that she would have her own advocate. I did this to protect myself as much as to protect her because she was saying I was stealing from her because I do her bills and checkbook. Doing this helped in appearance somewhat with the rest of the family, but because my Mom suspects the attorney of things also, it only went so far. I still think it will help me and my sister when she passes away. But - the main thing I want to stress is that the time committment for dealing with an elderly parent (especially one who is a nutjob) is enormous. Every year since my Dad died I go into unpaid leave by August from taking Mom to appointments and taking time off to deal household repairs issues, etc. I know some families are putting " service agreements " into place that allow family members who take time off of work to be reasonably compensated for what they are losing in pay, vacation time, and benefits. I know this only works if the parent has some money to spare, but it basically says - if you do something for Mom and take a day off work to do it - you get " X " amount of money. Because I am the bad daughter and my sister is the all good daughter, I am doubtful we could ever hammer out one of these agreements, but it would help me so much if we could. Those of you that have reasonable relationships with family members may want to look into it. I'm putting this out there so those of you with older parents can think about such issues and begin to learn about them sooner rather than later because it can be impossible to walk away once they reach a certain age. There are tons of resources for caregivers online. I am so glad I posted how I was feeling because everyone's comments and insights really helped me get through this rough week. I wish all of you the love you and respect you deserve and the strength to carry on. Tag > > > > > > Hello and welcome - so glad you found us. I don't know how old you are, but I do want to share with you that I am 49 years old and I have waited too long (I know it's still my choice) to break off contact with my mother. She is now 89. I have made a commitment to myself to see her through to the end, although I sometimes feel like I will die before her because she causes me so much stress. This last go round had me feeling like I was going to stroke out at my desk I was so upset. So I would just say to you and others who might be on the fence about going no contact - it doesn't get better and they do continue to suck the life out of you. If I had it to do over, I would have broken away from my Mom as soon as I got married in my twenties and never had any contact with again. Being in a relationship with her has held me back in all areas of my life and continues to steal days away from me. There have been times when I have started to come back to life after she has dug her claws into me and I realize my life stops for several weeks after one of these ugly messes with her. I'll start doing some cleaning or filing some papers and it's like looking at an archeological dig where you can see the time when you got the rug pulled out from under you, you see mail that didn't get opened, things that didn't get done, and you realize you went into some time warp. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to do, but if I can save one person the time and heartache, I'd just say - get out while you can. > > > > > > Thank you to everyone who responded and contributed to this post. It has helped me so so much during a very difficult time. As usual - I receive understanding and healing here and I am very grateful. > > > > > > Hugs to all of you, > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 That is very good advice Tag, thanks for sharing it. My Sister is on the " front lines " in being there physically to oversee our nada's care needs, such as taking nada to doctor's appointments, although nada is in a nice residential care home with an Alzheimer's wing and is supervised 24-7, you are correct: there are still care-giving things that need to be done for her. I told my Sister that I hope she is compensating herself adequately for her time and gasoline when she takes time to go tend to our nada's care, that I think Sister deserves this. (Sister now has our nada's power of attourney, takes care of nada's finances, etc.) Our nada is by no means rich but she and dad were good with money and prepared for the need for long-term care a long time ago. That's one thing I am grateful to nada for taking care of in a responsible, adult way. And yes, as parents age and if dementia sets in, its likely that a nada will become even more paranoid and difficult than her " bpd normal " has been; at least that's been the case with my nada. My Sister is a saint. -Annie > > > > > > > > Hello and welcome - so glad you found us. I don't know how old you are, but I do want to share with you that I am 49 years old and I have waited too long (I know it's still my choice) to break off contact with my mother. She is now 89. I have made a commitment to myself to see her through to the end, although I sometimes feel like I will die before her because she causes me so much stress. This last go round had me feeling like I was going to stroke out at my desk I was so upset. So I would just say to you and others who might be on the fence about going no contact - it doesn't get better and they do continue to suck the life out of you. If I had it to do over, I would have broken away from my Mom as soon as I got married in my twenties and never had any contact with again. Being in a relationship with her has held me back in all areas of my life and continues to steal days away from me. There have been times when I have started to come back to life after she has dug her claws into me and I realize my life stops for several weeks after one of these ugly messes with her. I'll start doing some cleaning or filing some papers and it's like looking at an archeological dig where you can see the time when you got the rug pulled out from under you, you see mail that didn't get opened, things that didn't get done, and you realize you went into some time warp. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to do, but if I can save one person the time and heartache, I'd just say - get out while you can. > > > > > > > > Thank you to everyone who responded and contributed to this post. It has helped me so so much during a very difficult time. As usual - I receive understanding and healing here and I am very grateful. > > > > > > > > Hugs to all of you, > > > > Tag > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 Tryingtoheal, I feel for you with your nada situation too. That helpless act she puts on once she's around you does (and will) make it harder to know her real capacities. I'm beginning to suspect that my nada has been misleading me in a similar way. She recently got diagnosed with very mild diabetes and her doctor insisted she take a this class which required three sessions in a week each three hours. Now if I was to believe what she's presented to me for a few years now about her ability to handle being around strangers or even to sit up for very long, this class would have been *impossible* for her to do. Guess what....she did it, and she didn't sound like it wiped her health out at all. So now I wonder has she been straight up lying to me about all the stuff she can't do? So anyway...from a distance it's hard for me to judge the truth but even when I visit in person she walks with the speed and gait of Tim Conway's old man character (anybody remember that?) So now I wonder what's real? On top of the emotional instability with BPD even worse to me is their manipulations and willingness to straight up lie. And when it comes to elder care the moral stakes get so high. I think they also know that they've finally got an incredible edge on using FOG with old age and that all witnesses who don't know about them will think the KO is the bad guy if they set limits. I'm glad that your father is still alive and taking care of things - AND that you have a supportive sibling. Still a nada in old age is a scary thing no matter what . The daily drinking sounds pretty scary - is it possible she's an alcoholic? I've read it can be a real problem for the elderly even if it wasn't when they were younger. Wishing you lots of strength. Eliza > > > > > > Hello and welcome - so glad you found us. I don't know how old you are, but I do want to share with you that I am 49 years old and I have waited too long (I know it's still my choice) to break off contact with my mother. She is now 89. I have made a commitment to myself to see her through to the end, although I sometimes feel like I will die before her because she causes me so much stress. This last go round had me feeling like I was going to stroke out at my desk I was so upset. So I would just say to you and others who might be on the fence about going no contact - it doesn't get better and they do continue to suck the life out of you. If I had it to do over, I would have broken away from my Mom as soon as I got married in my twenties and never had any contact with again. Being in a relationship with her has held me back in all areas of my life and continues to steal days away from me. There have been times when I have started to come back to life after she has dug her claws into me and I realize my life stops for several weeks after one of these ugly messes with her. I'll start doing some cleaning or filing some papers and it's like looking at an archeological dig where you can see the time when you got the rug pulled out from under you, you see mail that didn't get opened, things that didn't get done, and you realize you went into some time warp. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to do, but if I can save one person the time and heartache, I'd just say - get out while you can. > > > > > > Thank you to everyone who responded and contributed to this post. It has helped me so so much during a very difficult time. As usual - I receive understanding and healing here and I am very grateful. > > > > > > Hugs to all of you, > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2011 Report Share Posted November 19, 2011 Thank you for sharing, Tag...very helpful information. Good and useful information for the future. My Nada's--Nada (She is the same...both from the same mold) is 98 years old so there is longevity there. I see my Aunt running herself into the ground carrying for my BPD Grandma (my Aunt and I talked about this years ago...both coming to this realization on our own--interesting.) She could use an attorney. There is anger between the 5 siblings (aunts and uncle). I will have to do things differently to keep my health and sanity. My sister and I have only touched a little on BPD. My sister was the no-good-daughter. I have compassion for her. She doesn't understand why I gave so much. We will talk about all of this in the future. We were not close growing up. I'm sure because I was the do-good....favored and Nada would talk bad about my sister and still does. I feel terrible about that. So guilty. Anyway...thank you! > > > > > > > > Hello and welcome - so glad you found us. I don't know how old you are, but I do want to share with you that I am 49 years old and I have waited too long (I know it's still my choice) to break off contact with my mother. She is now 89. I have made a commitment to myself to see her through to the end, although I sometimes feel like I will die before her because she causes me so much stress. This last go round had me feeling like I was going to stroke out at my desk I was so upset. So I would just say to you and others who might be on the fence about going no contact - it doesn't get better and they do continue to suck the life out of you. If I had it to do over, I would have broken away from my Mom as soon as I got married in my twenties and never had any contact with again. Being in a relationship with her has held me back in all areas of my life and continues to steal days away from me. There have been times when I have started to come back to life after she has dug her claws into me and I realize my life stops for several weeks after one of these ugly messes with her. I'll start doing some cleaning or filing some papers and it's like looking at an archeological dig where you can see the time when you got the rug pulled out from under you, you see mail that didn't get opened, things that didn't get done, and you realize you went into some time warp. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to do, but if I can save one person the time and heartache, I'd just say - get out while you can. > > > > > > > > Thank you to everyone who responded and contributed to this post. It has helped me so so much during a very difficult time. As usual - I receive understanding and healing here and I am very grateful. > > > > > > > > Hugs to all of you, > > > > Tag > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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