Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Hi Everyone I wanted to share something I have been thinking about in the last day or so. Another sad chain of events has led me to a realization I don't believe I've had before in all my years of trying to understand the twisted behavior of my BPD mother. The realization is that my mother does not regard me as her child. By saying this, I mean she truly does not think of me as a daughter who she should have kept safe, loved and nourished. Many times I have said she treats me like I am her trashcan, but it wasn't until this week that I really realized that she is completely incapable of seeing me as a person with feelings, let alone her own flesh and blood. The details that make this latest round of ugliness so personal and poignant are too microscopic to put all of you through, but I will just say that after telling me that a bunch of stuff was stolen from her house, I found out that my mother actually gave the items away. Some of them were cherished personal mementos that belonged to my father and she lied when I asked if she might have given them to other family members. When I told her that some of the things had deep personal meaning to me and that I considered them part of my childhood, she tilted her head and looked at me completely confused. I let the silence hang in the air and I had this odd feeling that I was seeing something for the first time. For some reason I was really able to observe her reaction and it dawned on me that the idea that I might have been a child with an accompanying childhood was completely lost on her. She just stared at me and the look on her face was one of utter bewilderment. I would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on how you feel your BPD parent thinks of you. Do you feel like your parent sees you as a person? Do you feel like you were ever seen as a child? I don't feel like I can truly capture what this has meant to me, its just that this moment has really opened my eyes to why my mother has never shown any genuine kindness to me - I feel that I have always been more of a thing to her - just a target for her anger, her bitterness, her guilt, and the unique brand of cruelty that comes with BPD. Tag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2011 Report Share Posted November 16, 2011 Hi everyone, this made very interesting reading. Yes there are a lot of selfish narcisistic parents about who do not care about their off spring's feelings. They get jealous of them, they verbally abuse them, they show them a lack of respect. I do not think it is because they expect perfection from you because they expect it themselves. I think it is because they think they did you a huge favour by bringing you into the World and they brought you into the World to serve them and be available to them. Their offspring's needs are then totally irrelevant and get in the way of their own needs. With my parents if I was busy with a friend they were put out that I had a friend and hated it and preferred me to have no friends at all so that I was never too busy for them. The fact this would make me miserable and lonely was irrelevant. If I invited a friend over for a meal and cooked my friend a lovely meal and told my parents they would go on about how I am making more of a fuss of my friend than I do of them and get very jealous. If I met a man and fell in love and wanted to spend lots of time with the object of my desires they would make nasty comments about how we are spending too much time together and should see a lot less of each other and if I saw them more and thought about them more I would not need the man so much. Even when I was aged 45 and seeing a man I had been seeing for eight years they got annoyed and jealous because they said they should always be far more important to me than him or anyone else. What made this even more ridiculous was that they were never there for me when I needed support or help. My father had disappeared and run off with another woman when I was 15. He made it clear to me he never wanted to see me or hear from me again, he would not even give me his address and phone number. When he heard I was in hospital with a nervous breakdown it made no difference, he would not even phone. But years later he thought he could just waltz back and make demands and criticise. My mother would come to me trying to get lots of money off of me, and when I was young and living with her she also told men that if they gave her money they could have sex with me - of course i DID NOT go along with this! It was like she saw pound signs in her eyes when she looked at me. When she got a new boyfriend and he turned out to be a sex perv trying it on with me all of the time she turned her back on me and was nasty to me and stayed with him and shut me out of her life until many years later when this man died. Then she thought she could be demanding again. I deal with it by having lots of barriers and boundaries. For example, I live a long way away from my mother and it is best that way. If she wants to live near me she can move to be near me - after all it was her that moved away and it costs a lot to move. I am not going through all of that hassle, expense my lovely house and friends to please her. My mother still tries to make demands and bully me even though all of our contact is on the phone. I put my phone down and say NO. I am 54 now and have always had to stand on my own two feet financially and emotionally. I will not allow her to drain me of either. There are lots of sub divisions that come off of this. For one thing how can you trust other people you meet later in life if your own family just want to mess you around, use you or abuse you? You will forever be unsure of other people. You also become unsure of yourself because somehow it must be your fault that your parent tries to treat you this way. Maybe you are ugly, or unloveable, boring or stupid? If your own parents do not love you how can a stranger? You try hard to please people. They then pick up on this and take advantage. IT CAN BECOME A VICIOUS CIRCLE. I used to worry that I was wearing the wrong colour, had put on the wrong music, had cooked the wrong meal because whatever I did was criticised and never good enough, yet the interesting thing was neither of them had led fantastic blameless lives. My dad had a very ordinary badly paid job and drank a lot. My mother had never had a good job and relied on men for everything. Well hope this helps, take care, Carmel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 In my case...this is right on... " Yes there are a lot of selfish narcisistic parents about who do not care about their off spring's feelings. They get jealous of them, they verbally abuse them, they show them a lack of respect. I do not think it is because they expect perfection from you (yes my Nada expects me to be perfect) because they expect it themselves. I think it is because they think they did you a huge favour by bringing you into the World and they brought you into the World to serve them and be available to them. Their offspring's needs are then totally irrelevant and get in the way of their own needs. " This is my Nada....on a recent birthday she was staying at my house. She did not wish me happy birthday. I didn't say anything. My Dad called and wished me happy birthday. After I hung up she said to me, " Oh, I forgot to wish you happy birthday. This is what I do on my birthday, I call my Mom and thank her for giving birth to me. " What???? That is how my mom operates....throwing out messages in a round about way. Letting me know that I should be thankful to her that she gave birth to me. She has no desire to celebrate my day. She was staying with me and still expected me to wait on her...yes, even on my birthday. I also have a Nada who does not like me having friends. Does not want my friends to love on me. I have some very generous friends. She will find ways to put them down or to let me know that i'm not worthy of the attention or generosity. I know differently now. Thank goodness I know that I am worthy. So much of my life I felt unworthy. TTH > > > Hi everyone, this made very interesting reading. > > > > Yes there are a lot of selfish narcisistic parents about who do not care > about their off spring's feelings. > They get jealous of them, they verbally abuse them, they show them a lack > of respect. I do not think it is because they expect perfection from you > because they expect it themselves. I think it is because they think they did > you a huge favour by bringing you into the World and they brought you > into the World to serve them and be available to them. Their offspring's > needs are then totally irrelevant and get in the way of their own needs. With > my parents if I was busy with a friend they were put out that I had a > friend and hated it and preferred me to have no friends at all so that I was > never too busy for them. The fact this would make me miserable and lonely > was irrelevant. If I invited a friend over for a meal and cooked my friend a > lovely meal and told my parents they would go on about how I am making > more of a fuss of my friend than I do of them and get very jealous. If I met > a man and fell in love and wanted to spend lots of time with the object of > my desires they would make nasty comments about how we are spending too > much time together and should see a lot less of each other and if I saw them > more and thought about them more I would not need the man so much. Even when > I was aged 45 and seeing a man I had been seeing for eight years they got > annoyed and jealous because they said they should always be far more > important to me than him or anyone else. > > What made this even more ridiculous was that they were never there for me > when I needed support or help. > My father had disappeared and run off with another woman when I was 15. He > made it clear to me he never wanted to see me or hear from me again, he > would not even give me his address and phone number. When he heard I was in > hospital with a nervous breakdown it made no difference, he would not even > phone. > But years later he thought he could just waltz back and make demands and > criticise. My mother would come to me trying to get lots of money off of > me, and when I was young and living with her she also told men that if they > gave her money they could have sex with me - of course i DID NOT go along > with this! It was like she saw pound signs in her eyes when she looked at > me. When she got a new boyfriend and he turned out to be a sex perv trying > it on with me all of the time she turned her back on me and was nasty to me > and stayed with him and shut me out of her life until many years later > when this man died. Then she thought she could be demanding again. > > I deal with it by having lots of barriers and boundaries. For example, I > live a long way away from my mother and it is best that way. If she wants to > live near me she can move to be near me - after all it was her that moved > away and it costs a lot to move. I am not going through all of that hassle, > expense my lovely house and friends to please her. My mother still tries > to make demands and bully me even though all of our contact is on the > phone. I put my phone down and say NO. I am 54 now and have always had to stand > on my own two feet financially and emotionally. I will not allow her to > drain me of either. > > There are lots of sub divisions that come off of this. For one thing how > can you trust other people you meet later in life if your own family just > want to mess you around, use you or abuse you? You will forever be unsure of > other people. You also become unsure of yourself because somehow it must > be your fault that your parent tries to treat you this way. Maybe you are > ugly, or unloveable, boring or stupid? If your own parents do not love you > how can a stranger? You try hard to please people. They then pick up on > this and take advantage. IT CAN BECOME A VICIOUS CIRCLE. > > I used to worry that I was wearing the wrong colour, had put on the wrong > music, had cooked the wrong meal because whatever I did was criticised and > never good enough, yet the interesting thing was neither of them > had led fantastic blameless lives. My dad had a very ordinary badly paid > job and drank a lot. > My mother had never had a good job and relied on men for everything. > > Well hope this helps, take care, Carmel > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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