Guest guest Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 Hi Debbie, welcome! I'm glad you're here. It really is a wonderful group, where we all " get " what other people don't understand: the baggage and fear we all still deal with from our years with personality disordered parents. And, I'm so glad you're gaining that insight now (I'm glad we ALL are!!); it's never too late, thankfully. My mother is more of a hermit/waif, but in my youth, she had a strong Witch tendency, as you described, that would explode if I allowed anyone else into my life, if anyone else influenced me, if I didn't agree with her, etc. You get it. Therapy has helped me loads, as well as being here. This group is my sanity-saver. I'm so thankful for it. Welcome again! Fiona > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 Hi Debbie-- This is a great place to be. A place to come and know that you are not alone. It's unreal how similar everyone's " stories " are. so often I have felt alone with my relationship with my Nada. Trying to make sense out of my part in all of it. I have gained great insight here in the short time I have been active here. I know you will too. you are not alone. Boundaries are so important. I had none. I'm working on the very thing right now with my Nada. and my Dad. He has played his part in this triangle. My sister has " left. " She is around but she is minimal contact with my parents. Creating boundaries can cause a lot of anxiety because you are tipping the apple cart....making changes that she will not like. Hang in there with that. I too am not trying to cave. My hubby is my accountability partner in this. He is so very supportive. I need him to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I have guilt. (FOG--Fear,Obligation, Guilt. I really struggle against this).... She has me in her sticky web. It creates confusion because I start feeling guilty. He reminds me I have been such a wonderful daughter. Always respectful and doing for her. But it was not right. I'm not here on earth to make Nada happy. (Which is not possible anyway) I know anger. At her and myself for going back to the same old routines and not standing up for myself and my family. Keep coming back for reassurance. Keep reading. It really helps to makes sense out of the BPD. It helps with clarity. Just speaking for myself. I slip back into old ways because of confusion....I feel, for the first time, I have clarity. Hugs---TTH --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Debbie " wr > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2011 Report Share Posted November 19, 2011 thank you all for your generous words. I was going to say, you have no idea how comforting it is to know there are people out there who really understand what I'm struggling with, but you know all too well. It doesn't feel real, after all the years to have this venue, to read your stories and to have it resonate with my past and present. my mind gets foggy whenever I try to express my thoughts regarding this topic-- she's still got such a hold on me in my head. I get my thoughts mixed up with hers, mixed up with the guilt of having my own thoughts, mixed up with the response she would have at my thoughts and the shame of being wrong and selfish again. it's like being psychotic I guess. because she's been so all my life invasive, I feel like she can see what I'm doing, read my thoughts and feelings...and she's criticizing and abusing me while I think and feel and express. it's exhausting and I've had enough! sorry to bore you with details, but I could really use support with the current exchange with her. Just to recap--there was the explosive phone conversation where I confronted her with limits regarding her intrusive behavior-- after which she immediately sent me an email (ironic)--totally irrational, furious, continuing the craziness of the phone conversation. I ignored this as it didn't warrant a response. after a couple of days she emailed me on 11/11/11--dramatically recounting World War I and " all the American casualties and how she couldn't understand why people chose to kill each other when there must be more civilized ways to a find solutions. " she went on to relate this to our relationship (! and how peace needs to start at home, with each family member,friend, and neighbor. She goes on about how we should be able to find peace-- then has a whole paragraph about all the qualities she admires about me-- on and on, over the top...but sticks in that I'm " kind and caring to a fault " . this speaks to her destructive envy about a dear new friend and neighbor I have, who recently lost her son in a tragic car accident. she is insanely jealous of her. I responded in an email, that I thought she was missing the point. That I didn't feel there was a possibility things could change in the way she needed them to change. And I would very much like to have peace between us, but that her definition of peace was different from my definition of peace. My definition of peace would require her to respect my space and privacy. that's all I wrote. it was after that email that I panicked--it was the 1st time I'd been that blunt to her. I could hear her going to my brothers, convincing them that I've been brain-washed by my therapist-- she refuses therapy, there's nothing wrong with her. the fact that I've been in therapy makes me the crazy, unstable, overly-sensitive, selfish one. After a few days she responded via email that she would wait for that time--that I knew how to reach her and that peace would be a good thing. it was eerily calm and brief. I was relieved to finally hear back and have this episode somewhat over--to know that she wasn't out stalking me (as she has done--also done to my therapist). But now I feel like I have to write back and clearly define what the boundaries are. Take the upper hand before she can start in again with her pity party and destructive behavior. Especially before the holidays. as time passes I'm getting increasing anxious and isolated and allowing the guilt to seep back in. aaah! it's so frustrating! my brain feels like it's going to explode with all the contradictions! any feedback would be so great! thanks again to all of you, I'm so glad to be here <3 Debbie > > Hi Debbie-- > > This is a great place to be. A place to come and know that you are not alone. It's unreal how similar everyone's " stories " are. so often I have felt alone with my relationship with my Nada. Trying to make sense out of my part in all of it. I have gained great insight here in the short time I have been active here. I know you will too. you are not alone. > > Boundaries are so important. I had none. I'm working on the very thing right now with my Nada. and my Dad. He has played his part in this triangle. My sister has " left. " She is around but she is minimal contact with my parents. > > Creating boundaries can cause a lot of anxiety because you are tipping the apple cart....making changes that she will not like. Hang in there with that. I too am not trying to cave. My hubby is my accountability partner in this. He is so very supportive. I need him to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I have guilt. (FOG--Fear,Obligation, Guilt. I really struggle against this).... She has me in her sticky web. It creates confusion because I start feeling guilty. He reminds me I have been such a wonderful daughter. Always respectful and doing for her. But it was not right. I'm not here on earth to make Nada happy. (Which is not possible anyway) > > I know anger. At her and myself for going back to the same old routines and not standing up for myself and my family. > > Keep coming back for reassurance. Keep reading. It really helps to makes sense out of the BPD. It helps with clarity. Just speaking for myself. I slip back into old ways because of confusion....I feel, for the first time, I have clarity. > > Hugs---TTH > > > > --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Debbie " <dsmithphotography@> wr > > > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2011 Report Share Posted November 19, 2011 Hi Debbie, If I am understanding your post you are maybe feeling hyper-vigilant, waiting for the next volley from nada? If this is the case, you are not alone. The longer I go with no contact with nada the more " on edge " I become. It's only a matter of time before " crazy town " with insane comments/demands come knocking on my door again. Years ago I was completely NC (it was wonderful), but after a few months I found my fear of her escalated (just the not knowing what she was up to that might affect me was driving me nuts). Nada's are good enemies to keep in plain sight. I haven't had contact with nada in almost 4 weeks now. Thursday I was in my yard when I heard a car turn into my drive. My van was blocking my sight--when I spotted the color of the car as the same as nadas I felt my stomach drop. Turned out it wasn't her after all--but the PTSD chain of stress I experienced in that split second affected me for hours. This learning to retrain/reprogram ourselves from the fear of nada, as well as having to go over each and every one of our attitudes and beliefs to separate what is nada's and what is our own thought takes energy and time. Be gentle with yourself, trust in yourself and your intuition. > > thank you all for your generous words. I was going to say, you have no idea how comforting it is to know there are people out there who really understand what I'm struggling with, but you know all too well. It doesn't feel real, after all the years to have this venue, to read your stories and to have it resonate with my past and present. my mind gets foggy whenever I try to express my thoughts regarding this topic-- she's still got such a hold on me in my head. I get my thoughts mixed up with hers, mixed up with the guilt of having my own thoughts, mixed up with the response she would have at my thoughts and the shame of being wrong and selfish again. it's like being psychotic I guess. because she's been so all my life invasive, I feel like she can see what I'm doing, read my thoughts and feelings...and she's criticizing and abusing me while I think and feel and express. it's exhausting and I've had enough! > > sorry to bore you with details, but I could really use support with the current exchange with her. Just to recap--there was the explosive phone conversation where I confronted her with limits regarding her intrusive behavior-- after which she immediately sent me an email (ironic)--totally irrational, furious, continuing the craziness of the phone conversation. I ignored this as it didn't warrant a response. after a couple of days she emailed me on 11/11/11--dramatically recounting World War I and " all the American casualties and how she couldn't understand why people chose to kill each other when there must be more civilized ways to a find solutions. " she went on to relate this to our relationship (! and how peace needs to start at home, with each family member,friend, and neighbor. She goes on about how we should be able to find peace-- then has a whole paragraph about all the qualities she admires about me-- on and on, over the top...but sticks in that I'm " kind and caring to a fault " . this speaks to her destructive envy about a dear new friend and neighbor I have, who recently lost her son in a tragic car accident. she is insanely jealous of her. > > > I responded in an email, that I thought she was missing the point. That I didn't feel there was a possibility things could change in the way she needed them to change. And I would very much like to have peace between us, but that her definition of peace was different from my definition of peace. My definition of peace would require her to respect my space and privacy. that's all I wrote. > > it was after that email that I panicked--it was the 1st time I'd been that blunt to her. I could hear her going to my brothers, convincing them that I've been brain-washed by my therapist-- she refuses therapy, there's nothing wrong with her. the fact that I've been in therapy makes me the crazy, unstable, overly-sensitive, selfish one. > > After a few days she responded via email that she would wait for that time--that I knew how to reach her and that peace would be a good thing. it was eerily calm and brief. > > I was relieved to finally hear back and have this episode somewhat over--to know that she wasn't out stalking me (as she has done--also done to my therapist). But now I feel like I have to write back and clearly define what the boundaries are. Take the upper hand before she can start in again with her pity party and destructive behavior. Especially before the holidays. as time passes I'm getting increasing anxious and isolated and allowing the guilt to seep back in. aaah! it's so frustrating! my brain feels like it's going to explode with all the contradictions! > > any feedback would be so great! > thanks again to all of you, I'm so glad to be here <3 > Debbie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2011 Report Share Posted November 20, 2011  Debbie~  I do understand the feeling of the fogginess (as I'm sure others here do too). You expressed yourself very well. I completely understood what you were saying and I could relate to it. To a point where you validated my situation and added to my clarity. It really helps to write this down; to make sense out of what is going on in your mind. When you said that your thoughts and her thoughts are intertwined. Yes....and---I also know what my Nada's response will be when I tell her something. I have learned when to share and how much to share knowing exactly what she will say---trying to avoid feeling bad about myself. I guess that's something....she's predictable for the most part. Of course then she will blind-side me with something so unpredicted.  Good for you for confronting her. That was quite the crazy email she sent you. World War I....really! That whole email was crazy-making (that's what my T. used to say about my Nada....good description) You have to sift through the " crazy " to come up with a simple response. You did that....good for you!  You wrote that she may say or think or tell you brothers that you are the " crazy one " , after all you are the one going to the therapist. Overly sensitive....classic--my Nada uses this one along with the " selfish " accusation. A few weeks ago I printed out a 9 page article on Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and it was so helpful to me. There is a " technique " called " Gaslighting " ....I had never heard of this. It is where Nada makes you look (or feel) crazy if you confront her on something she has done. Telling you that you don't know what you are talking about or telling you that you are sensitive or that they don't remember what you are talking about or that you have a vivid imagination etc....the article reads " your perception of reality are continually under-minded so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. "  This makes us better victims.  This is me. I'm sure this is where guilt comes in. Not being able to " see " that this is all very abusive and we end up blaming ourselves. Being the victim of galighting. This was a huge break-through for me.  You are doing well. This time of year is terrible for the BPD. I have not spoken to my Nada since Nov. 1. I know she is having a fit and my Dad is taking the heat rounds. I got a " poor me " email from her a few nights ago. It wasn't terrible. Just not an email that a daughter would want. It's a happy time of year for all of us here at our home and we are going to keep it that way. I'm trying to put up a shield and let those emails, words etc....bounce off of me.  I have not been able to take that step to define the boundaries. As far as my Mom is concerned, I'm just selfish right now because I'm not responding the way she would want. I'm just waiting for this to progress along. I'm setting up my boundaries. She just doesn't know this is all intentional. Does that make sense. When she does confront me....then we will talk. My Dad is aware and is supportive.  I'm thinking of you... TTH       ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, November 19, 2011 11:37 AM Subject: Re: Trying to break free  thank you all for your generous words. I was going to say, you have no idea how comforting it is to know there are people out there who really understand what I'm struggling with, but you know all too well. It doesn't feel real, after all the years to have this venue, to read your stories and to have it resonate with my past and present. my mind gets foggy whenever I try to express my thoughts regarding this topic-- she's still got such a hold on me in my head. I get my thoughts mixed up with hers, mixed up with the guilt of having my own thoughts, mixed up with the response she would have at my thoughts and the shame of being wrong and selfish again. it's like being psychotic I guess. because she's been so all my life invasive, I feel like she can see what I'm doing, read my thoughts and feelings...and she's criticizing and abusing me while I think and feel and express. it's exhausting and I've had enough! sorry to bore you with details, but I could really use support with the current exchange with her. Just to recap--there was the explosive phone conversation where I confronted her with limits regarding her intrusive behavior-- after which she immediately sent me an email (ironic)--totally irrational, furious, continuing the craziness of the phone conversation. I ignored this as it didn't warrant a response. after a couple of days she emailed me on 11/11/11--dramatically recounting World War I and " all the American casualties and how she couldn't understand why people chose to kill each other when there must be more civilized ways to a find solutions. " she went on to relate this to our relationship (! and how peace needs to start at home, with each family member,friend, and neighbor. She goes on about how we should be able to find peace-- then has a whole paragraph about all the qualities she admires about me-- on and on, over the top...but sticks in that I'm " kind and caring to a fault " . this speaks to her destructive envy about a dear new friend and neighbor I have, who recently lost her son in a tragic car accident. she is insanely jealous of her. I responded in an email, that I thought she was missing the point. That I didn't feel there was a possibility things could change in the way she needed them to change. And I would very much like to have peace between us, but that her definition of peace was different from my definition of peace. My definition of peace would require her to respect my space and privacy. that's all I wrote. it was after that email that I panicked--it was the 1st time I'd been that blunt to her. I could hear her going to my brothers, convincing them that I've been brain-washed by my therapist-- she refuses therapy, there's nothing wrong with her. the fact that I've been in therapy makes me the crazy, unstable, overly-sensitive, selfish one. After a few days she responded via email that she would wait for that time--that I knew how to reach her and that peace would be a good thing. it was eerily calm and brief. I was relieved to finally hear back and have this episode somewhat over--to know that she wasn't out stalking me (as she has done--also done to my therapist). But now I feel like I have to write back and clearly define what the boundaries are. Take the upper hand before she can start in again with her pity party and destructive behavior. Especially before the holidays. as time passes I'm getting increasing anxious and isolated and allowing the guilt to seep back in. aaah! it's so frustrating! my brain feels like it's going to explode with all the contradictions! any feedback would be so great! thanks again to all of you, I'm so glad to be here <3 Debbie > > Hi Debbie-- > > This is a great place to be. A place to come and know that you are not alone. It's unreal how similar everyone's " stories " are. so often I have felt alone with my relationship with my Nada. Trying to make sense out of my part in all of it. I have gained great insight here in the short time I have been active here. I know you will too. you are not alone. > > Boundaries are so important. I had none. I'm working on the very thing right now with my Nada. and my Dad. He has played his part in this triangle. My sister has " left. " She is around but she is minimal contact with my parents. > > Creating boundaries can cause a lot of anxiety because you are tipping the apple cart....making changes that she will not like. Hang in there with that. I too am not trying to cave. My hubby is my accountability partner in this. He is so very supportive. I need him to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I have guilt. (FOG--Fear,Obligation, Guilt. I really struggle against this).... She has me in her sticky web. It creates confusion because I start feeling guilty. He reminds me I have been such a wonderful daughter. Always respectful and doing for her. But it was not right. I'm not here on earth to make Nada happy. (Which is not possible anyway) > > I know anger. At her and myself for going back to the same old routines and not standing up for myself and my family. > > Keep coming back for reassurance. Keep reading. It really helps to makes sense out of the BPD. It helps with clarity. Just speaking for myself. I slip back into old ways because of confusion....I feel, for the first time, I have clarity. > > Hugs---TTH > > > > --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Debbie " <dsmithphotography@> wr > > > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2011 Report Share Posted November 20, 2011 I have always hated that my Nada thinks she can read my mind. And it makes it worse that often she is correct. I cannot stand that, it is like I have no privacy or right to be my own person, I am just an extension of her. > > > > Hi Debbie-- > > > > This is a great place to be. A place to come and know that you are not alone. It's unreal how similar everyone's " stories " are. so often I have felt alone with my relationship with my Nada. Trying to make sense out of my part in all of it. I have gained great insight here in the short time I have been active here. I know you will too. you are not alone. > > > > Boundaries are so important. I had none. I'm working on the very thing right now with my Nada. and my Dad. He has played his part in this triangle. My sister has " left. " She is around but she is minimal contact with my parents. > > > > Creating boundaries can cause a lot of anxiety because you are tipping the apple cart....making changes that she will not like. Hang in there with that. I too am not trying to cave. My hubby is my accountability partner in this. He is so very supportive. I need him to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I have guilt. (FOG--Fear,Obligation, Guilt. I really struggle against this).... She has me in her sticky web. It creates confusion because I start feeling guilty. He reminds me I have been such a wonderful daughter. Always respectful and doing for her. But it was not right. I'm not here on earth to make Nada happy. (Which is not possible anyway) > > > > I know anger. At her and myself for going back to the same old routines and not standing up for myself and my family. > > > > Keep coming back for reassurance. Keep reading. It really helps to makes sense out of the BPD. It helps with clarity. Just speaking for myself. I slip back into old ways because of confusion....I feel, for the first time, I have clarity. > > > > Hugs---TTH > > > > > > > > --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Debbie " <dsmithphotography@> wr > > > > > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm > panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > > > > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2011 Report Share Posted November 20, 2011 Guitarsprite, I've had problems with this too with my nada. Sometimes it really helps me to go do something I know she'd never do or say something to her that she'd never expect just to say HEY - I'M ME! Eliza > > I have always hated that my Nada thinks she can read my mind. And it makes it worse that often she is correct. I cannot stand that, it is like I have no privacy or right to be my own person, I am just an extension of her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2011 Report Share Posted November 20, 2011 Debbie, I can't wait to read this thread I bet you've got great advice already. My two cents I'll add is that my mother was terrified of her mother until the day she died (over 90!) - even while my grandmother (who was a nada for my mother) bedridden and couldn't even speak the power she wielded was shocking. A pause, a glance, a glare, a turning away all had incredible power on her adult children. So I guess what I'm saying is don't feel bad - some never break free even much older than 51. Good on you for reclaiming you. Eliza > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hi - I'm getting into this part of the conversation a little late and someone may have already said this...sorry if I am duplicating. My experience is that if you set a boundary and make it very specific either by spelling it out to your Nada clearly in a conversation or giving it to her in writing in an e-mail, it will turn on her crazy need to break the rules with a vengeance. I know it is hard not to say your piece when we all have such a need to be heard over the craziness, but spelling out a boundary has never worked for me. Even if I don't get hit with my Nada trying to test the rule or trying to outright break it, I will still get hit with undermining comments about it sometimes weeks or months (or years!!!) down the road. So - I would set the boundary quietly to yourself. If the boundary is breached (during a phone call for example) I would simply say I have to go and get off the call. Of the little success (very little) I have ever had with my Nada, it has been when she has realized that I keep getting off the phone or that I'm not around as much as I used to be. Tag > > > > Hi Debbie-- > > > > This is a great place to be. A place to come and know that you are not alone. It's unreal how similar everyone's " stories " are. so often I have felt alone with my relationship with my Nada. Trying to make sense out of my part in all of it. I have gained great insight here in the short time I have been active here. I know you will too. you are not alone. > > > > Boundaries are so important. I had none. I'm working on the very thing right now with my Nada. and my Dad. He has played his part in this triangle. My sister has " left. " She is around but she is minimal contact with my parents. > > > > Creating boundaries can cause a lot of anxiety because you are tipping the apple cart....making changes that she will not like. Hang in there with that. I too am not trying to cave. My hubby is my accountability partner in this. He is so very supportive. I need him to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I have guilt. (FOG--Fear,Obligation, Guilt. I really struggle against this).... She has me in her sticky web. It creates confusion because I start feeling guilty. He reminds me I have been such a wonderful daughter. Always respectful and doing for her. But it was not right. I'm not here on earth to make Nada happy. (Which is not possible anyway) > > > > I know anger. At her and myself for going back to the same old routines and not standing up for myself and my family. > > > > Keep coming back for reassurance. Keep reading. It really helps to makes sense out of the BPD. It helps with clarity. Just speaking for myself. I slip back into old ways because of confusion....I feel, for the first time, I have clarity. > > > > Hugs---TTH > > > > > > > > --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Debbie " <dsmithphotography@> wr > > > > > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > > > > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Oh yes, one time a couple years ago I verbally set a boundary with my aunt not to call me before noon, next day she called me at 11:55am saying " I know I'm not supposed to call before noon, but.... " In hindsight, like you say below I'd have been better off just deciding not to answer the phone before noon - enforcing the boundary myself rather than announcing it and expecting her to honor it. Thanks for reminding me: don't talk...do. Eliza > > Hi - I'm getting into this part of the conversation a little late and someone may have already said this...sorry if I am duplicating. > > My experience is that if you set a boundary and make it very specific either by spelling it out to your Nada clearly in a conversation or giving it to her in writing in an e-mail, it will turn on her crazy need to break the rules with a vengeance. I know it is hard not to say your piece when we all have such a need to be heard over the craziness, but spelling out a boundary has never worked for me. Even if I don't get hit with my Nada trying to test the rule or trying to outright break it, I will still get hit with undermining comments about it sometimes weeks or months (or years!!!) down the road. So - I would set the boundary quietly to yourself. If the boundary is breached (during a phone call for example) I would simply say I have to go and get off the call. Of the little success (very little) I have ever had with my Nada, it has been when she has realized that I keep getting off the phone or that I'm not around as much as I used to be. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 If that happened to me, I'd be so, SO tempted to resort to scathing sarcasm. " Wow, Aunt. Are you showing other symptoms of dementia, too? Feeling kind of paranoid sometimes, are you? That's pretty scary if you aren't able to tell time any more. And you're relatively young, too; that's so sad to get hit with dementia at your age. " But I agree that its better to just " DO " your boundaries (like not picking up the phone before noon) instead of talking about your boundaries. And... sarcasm is mean. Mean and hateful. If its used at all, it should only be used as a last resort, if nothing else has worked, even though you keep trying to be polite and respectful, in my opinion. -Annie > > > > Hi - I'm getting into this part of the conversation a little late and someone may have already said this...sorry if I am duplicating. > > > > My experience is that if you set a boundary and make it very specific either by spelling it out to your Nada clearly in a conversation or giving it to her in writing in an e-mail, it will turn on her crazy need to break the rules with a vengeance. I know it is hard not to say your piece when we all have such a need to be heard over the craziness, but spelling out a boundary has never worked for me. Even if I don't get hit with my Nada trying to test the rule or trying to outright break it, I will still get hit with undermining comments about it sometimes weeks or months (or years!!!) down the road. So - I would set the boundary quietly to yourself. If the boundary is breached (during a phone call for example) I would simply say I have to go and get off the call. Of the little success (very little) I have ever had with my Nada, it has been when she has realized that I keep getting off the phone or that I'm not around as much as I used to be. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Haha Annie! I actually was pretty sarcastic - in my head that is.... I restated the boundary to her and she did get better about it after that. It was just like she had to stick her toe over the line the minute I drew it though. Eliza > > > > > > Hi - I'm getting into this part of the conversation a little late and someone may have already said this...sorry if I am duplicating. > > > > > > My experience is that if you set a boundary and make it very specific either by spelling it out to your Nada clearly in a conversation or giving it to her in writing in an e-mail, it will turn on her crazy need to break the rules with a vengeance. I know it is hard not to say your piece when we all have such a need to be heard over the craziness, but spelling out a boundary has never worked for me. Even if I don't get hit with my Nada trying to test the rule or trying to outright break it, I will still get hit with undermining comments about it sometimes weeks or months (or years!!!) down the road. So - I would set the boundary quietly to yourself. If the boundary is breached (during a phone call for example) I would simply say I have to go and get off the call. Of the little success (very little) I have ever had with my Nada, it has been when she has realized that I keep getting off the phone or that I'm not around as much as I used to be. > > > > > > Tag > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 My Nada also has a Nada, My Nada moved away at a young age and basically was not a huge part of her life until she got older. My GrandNada (is there such a thing? I do love her bunches but she was Not A Grandma--but kind to me) is 98 years old and also is still able to affect her children. She has 4 daughters and 1 son and she treats each of them differently. Two of my Aunts have read UTBM. I guess what I'm saying is that I see this whole family and how hard it was on them to have a Nada and they all range in age from 60-74. The 5 of them have a strained relationship.  I have a very close cousin whom I can can share this with and she really understands because her Nada (my Nada's sister--my aunt) is low functioning BPD. Her childhood had some real hellish moments. My cousin is amazing. She has broken free. She majored in psychology and has a real grasp on what her Nada is. She has created healthy boundaries for her and her children. They are unspoken. So maybe in my generation, we can break free. But we have a whole family of BPD.  This is the first time I have written about the family. This is difficult. I usually only think about my BPD but when I write it I see how very sad my extended family is. How one person has an affect on many. My GrandNada had a wonderful Mom and Dad....from what people tell me. I'm curious as to how my Grandma became the way she did.   ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, November 20, 2011 9:23 PM Subject: Re: Trying to break free  Debbie, I can't wait to read this thread I bet you've got great advice already. My two cents I'll add is that my mother was terrified of her mother until the day she died (over 90!) - even while my grandmother (who was a nada for my mother) bedridden and couldn't even speak the power she wielded was shocking. A pause, a glance, a glare, a turning away all had incredible power on her adult children. So I guess what I'm saying is don't feel bad - some never break free even much older than 51. Good on you for reclaiming you. Eliza > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Tag--  I am doing the same thing. I have read that BPD just won't get it anyway because everyone else has a problem. If I verbally set boundaries with my Nada she would be infuriated. I learned this long ago. I can't even have a differing opinion from hers so how could I tell her I have boundaries? In September when we had our huge blow up I did say (yell--sort of) that there were issues and we can sit and discuss them. What keeps going through my mind is when Jack Nicholson yells " You can't Handle The Truth " in a Few Good Men. After our huge blow-up she proceeded to drink until she got drunk and made herself sick. Which of course was my fault. I have established boundaries--quietly. I'm not calling right now. Only emails that are polite. I'm not responding to the parts of her email that sound like " poor me. "  The last email had some of that in it. I did tell her in the email that we won't be seeing them during the Holidays so I'm waiting for what will happen next. It helps that My Dad, my sister, my husband and kids are all on board.  Creating boundaries that are unspoken can make it hard to stick to them. How many times do I revert back to my old pleasing ways when we talk on the phone. She reals me back in with a nice comment, compliment or is understanding. Then all of a sudden I have that mom I always longed for. I know...crazy on my part. Then the rollercoaster begins again.  So not talking on the phone to her is best right now. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, November 21, 2011 10:02 AM Subject: Re: Trying to break free  Hi - I'm getting into this part of the conversation a little late and someone may have already said this...sorry if I am duplicating. My experience is that if you set a boundary and make it very specific either by spelling it out to your Nada clearly in a conversation or giving it to her in writing in an e-mail, it will turn on her crazy need to break the rules with a vengeance. I know it is hard not to say your piece when we all have such a need to be heard over the craziness, but spelling out a boundary has never worked for me. Even if I don't get hit with my Nada trying to test the rule or trying to outright break it, I will still get hit with undermining comments about it sometimes weeks or months (or years!!!) down the road. So - I would set the boundary quietly to yourself. If the boundary is breached (during a phone call for example) I would simply say I have to go and get off the call. Of the little success (very little) I have ever had with my Nada, it has been when she has realized that I keep getting off the phone or that I'm not around as much as I used to be. Tag > > > > Hi Debbie-- > > > > This is a great place to be. A place to come and know that you are not alone. It's unreal how similar everyone's " stories " are. so often I have felt alone with my relationship with my Nada. Trying to make sense out of my part in all of it. I have gained great insight here in the short time I have been active here. I know you will too. you are not alone. > > > > Boundaries are so important. I had none. I'm working on the very thing right now with my Nada. and my Dad. He has played his part in this triangle. My sister has " left. " She is around but she is minimal contact with my parents. > > > > Creating boundaries can cause a lot of anxiety because you are tipping the apple cart....making changes that she will not like. Hang in there with that. I too am not trying to cave. My hubby is my accountability partner in this. He is so very supportive. I need him to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I have guilt. (FOG--Fear,Obligation, Guilt. I really struggle against this).... She has me in her sticky web. It creates confusion because I start feeling guilty. He reminds me I have been such a wonderful daughter. Always respectful and doing for her. But it was not right. I'm not here on earth to make Nada happy. (Which is not possible anyway) > > > > I know anger. At her and myself for going back to the same old routines and not standing up for myself and my family. > > > > Keep coming back for reassurance. Keep reading. It really helps to makes sense out of the BPD. It helps with clarity. Just speaking for myself. I slip back into old ways because of confusion....I feel, for the first time, I have clarity. > > > > Hugs---TTH > > > > > > > > --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Debbie " <dsmithphotography@> wr > > > > > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > > > > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Thank you all for your compassionate and wise words. So many of them rang true I have literally read them over and over, trying to reprogram my brain. I'm starting to feel a positive shift for the 1st time in my life!! I have another dilemma approaching. My Mom has planned a family vacation--with my 2 brothers, their wives and all my nieces and nephews and my 3 kids (ages 19, 22 and 25). to the Galapagos Islands for 8 days starting the day after Christmas. oy! I know!! Stuck on an island for 8 days I must be crazy!! I know it's a HUGE lure and a HUGE set up for present and future guilt trips, not to mention whatever drama unfolds there. She threw it in my face during our most recent confrontation. Although I held my ground and said " I don't have to go on your trip " which really threw her and shut her up. I've gone back and forth so many times as to whether I should go or not go, I'm dizzy. Here's the problem...My kids are all going--at their ages it's rare that we can all be together especially for a vacation. I'm very close to my older brother and his family, although he walks on eggshells to keep the peace with my Mom--enabling without ruffling any feathers. He learned as a kid to detach emotionally. My younger brother has taken my Mom's side the last 2 years when I went through a horrible divorce. I had to stop returning his and my mother's phone calls as they made me more frantic and depressed than I already was. My Mom was insanely jealous that I was speaking to my older brother daily-- he was an amazing support. I couldn't have survived that period in tact without him! anyway, even though I've spoken to my younger brother numerous times to clear the air and even apologized for not being able to be there for him, he still doesn't call me. He's fine when I call him, but I know he's still angry. And it seems he's turned his 16 yr old daughter against me. I know he and my Mom have gained strength bonding over me being so selfish, in their minds. It's so crazy!!! I was going through a horrible time, losing my marriage, having to sell our house, discovering my husband had lost all our money and trying to stay sane for the kids!! and all they cared about was that I wasn't INCLUDING them!! It was the 1st time I saw this side of my brother and it really hurt. SO, if I don't go on the trip, I would be painted as the crazy, drama queen. but most importantly I would miss out on a special time with my kids and my older brother's family. The trick would be I'd have to be uber prepared to protect myself from my mother and younger brother at every turn. Also they're all better with people around. I refuse to go in fear! I also want to model for my kids strength and the ability to rise above this nonsense. My Mother has started to pull some crazy stuff on 1 of my kids (the one I'm especially close to) and it could be a learning experience for her. I've recently begun to share with her and my son about why she is the way she is and how I'm trying to handle it, without painting her as a bad person. I never bad-mouth family to my kids. My Mom and I just had a major confrontation (a 2 week episode), where I stood my ground for the 1st time. it's passed for now but I'm keeping my distance and am not contacting her. I'll call her on Thanksgiving but plan to keep it brief and superficial and quickly hand off the phone to one of my kids. It's hard for me to know if this is a good or bad time to be doing a trip like this. I'd love some feedback-- thanks again for all the encouraging thoughts. sorry this is so long ;-) Debbie > > > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken > waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 I have to agree with Tag on this! Spelling out the boundary is often just inviting the nada to engage. I think of it as the tennis game that someone recently posted about. I used this analogy when going through a contentious divorce with a well, what a suprise, husband that was very much like my nada! They hit the ball to your side of the court. But if you don't hit it back, game over. DON " T PICK UP THE BALL, I've told myself that a million times. Sometimes I get hoovered and pick it up. Keep in mind, the nada is expecting a response from you, you've been trained to do exactly that from infancy. You can react all you want, vent to a friend, scream in your car, write in a journal, just don't nada see any reaction. What a wonderful place this is, sending you all hugs! I haven't shared my story much, haven't had time yet, but there are so many commonalities. I'm in my 50's, nada is turning 75 soon. > > > > > > Hi Debbie-- > > > > > > This is a great place to be. A place to come and know that you are not alone. It's unreal how similar everyone's " stories " are. so often I have felt alone with my relationship with my Nada. Trying to make sense out of my part in all of it. I have gained great insight here in the short time I have been active here. I know you will too. you are not alone. > > > > > > Boundaries are so important. I had none. I'm working on the very thing right now with my Nada. and my Dad. He has played his part in this triangle. My sister has " left. " She is around but she is minimal contact with my parents. > > > > > > Creating boundaries can cause a lot of anxiety because you are tipping the apple cart....making changes that she will not like. Hang in there with that. I too am not trying to cave. My hubby is my accountability partner in this. He is so very supportive. I need him to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I have guilt. (FOG--Fear,Obligation, Guilt. I really struggle against this).... She has me in her sticky web. It creates confusion because I start feeling guilty. He reminds me I have been such a wonderful daughter. Always respectful and doing for her. But it was not right. I'm not here on earth to make Nada happy. (Which is not possible anyway) > > > > > > I know anger. At her and myself for going back to the same old routines and not standing up for myself and my family. > > > > > > Keep coming back for reassurance. Keep reading. It really helps to makes sense out of the BPD. It helps with clarity. Just speaking for myself. I slip back into old ways because of confusion....I feel, for the first time, I have clarity. > > > > > > Hugs---TTH > > > > > > > > > > > > --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Debbie " <dsmithphotography@> wr > > > > > > > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > > > > > > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 you are so right about how to set boundaries. Setting them in my own mind rather than spelling them out to my Mom/nada (1st time using nada)--she not only would misinterpret them, but worse, it would set me up for future manipulation. thank you for that advise. I decided to call my Mom to wish her a happy thanksgiving--rise above her histrionics and silent treatment--I was brief and mature--she was so cold, like I was an evil stranger. I've never heard that from her, she's more the acting out type. it shook me to my core--can't get it out of my head. she was at my brother's with all of his family, so it also made me feel ganged up on, assuming she was telling all of them how hateful I am...you know the drill. Now there's silence...it's unnerving especially since my 2 brothers are on good terms with her. how do I not let this derail me? thanks in advance! Debbie > > > > Hi! I've been reading the posts here and it's the 1st time I've ever felt validated about the crazy stuff that happens between my Mom and me. My Mom is a Queen with Witch tendencies. I realize now, that she has spent my entire life trying to absorb me--she is envious and invasive--jealous of me having any relationship other than with her. She envies basically everything in my life that is of value that she doesn't have. I realize now this is the cause of my anxiety and occasional panic attacks whenever I try to move forward with my life in any way. I'm in the middle of re-establishing my boundaries with her and she's freaking out--I mean totally crazy, throwing everything she can think of in my face-- this is her " Mommy Dearest " side that comes out when I don't do what she wants, feel what she feels, have my life revolve completely around her--not that even all that would ever be enough. anyway, I sent her a brief email yesterday and I'm panic-stricken > waiting for a response--wondering what she'll pull next. I cannot believe the fear I have of her! I'm so angry and sick and tired of living this way. > > > > After 51 years, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to have my " self " back. Any reassurances and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Hi Debbie, I can relate as I'm in a situation like this. I have no advice, but know you aren't alone. Steph Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 thank you Steph-- I've come up with an idea for surviving this trip--I hope it will help you with your situation... I'm going to post it as a new topic-- Debbie > > Hi Debbie, > I can relate as I'm in a situation like this. I have no advice, > but know you aren't alone. > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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