1st confrontation

November 14, 2011

I just joined this group today as I really needed to feel that I'm not alone in

feeling the way I've been feeling for 51 years. Without going into all the ugly

details and past history, my Mother is an undiagnosed BP. According to the book

Understanding the borderline Mother, she vacillates between Queen, Witch and

Waif. She lives and breathes completely through me, is the ultimate victim and I

have realized that I can never, ever, ever please her. She attempts to take

every friend, interest and passion away from me however she can, making me feel

unworthy of anything good. It's so hard to write this as I'm wracked by guilt

but also loss and anger. I confronted her a week ago on the phone, received 2

emails in response and I finally emailed back today. Now I'm sitting here

terrified of her response!! It's so crazy-- I'm 51 years old and can't believe

the hold she still has on me. it doesn't help that my brothers refuse to see it

to the extent I see it. But being boys, they didn't get it like I have-- she's

always been viciously envious of me.

anyway, I guess I just wanted to hear that others have felt this way and maybe

prepare myself for the horrific response I will probably get from her tonight.

(I'm so anxious just writing this, as if she can see what I'm saying...crazy)

also what is " nada "

November 17, 2011

Welcome, Row! You're very much in the right place.

When you said, " She lives and breathes completely through me, is the ultimate

victim and I have realized that I can never, ever, ever please her. She attempts

to take every friend, interest and passion away from me however she can, making

me feel unworthy of anything good. " -- well, you described my mother.

It's suffocating and life-draining.

I felt the same way as you when I began to gain some insight into my

relationship with her, that weird combination of guilt and freedom. But please

don't let the guilt stop you from moving forward in your personal growth. You

deserve to live a full life and to be happy out of her shadow.

" Nada " is the nickname here for " not a mother. "

Some use " fada " for their fathers.

Glad you're here. (well, you know what I mean! )

Fiona

>

> I just joined this group today as I really needed to feel that I'm not alone

in feeling the way I've been feeling for 51 years. Without going into all the

ugly details and past history, my Mother is an undiagnosed BP. According to the

book Understanding the borderline Mother, she vacillates between Queen, Witch

and Waif. She lives and breathes completely through me, is the ultimate victim

and I have realized that I can never, ever, ever please her. She attempts to

take every friend, interest and passion away from me however she can, making me

feel unworthy of anything good. It's so hard to write this as I'm wracked by

guilt but also loss and anger. I confronted her a week ago on the phone,

received 2 emails in response and I finally emailed back today. Now I'm sitting

here terrified of her response!! It's so crazy-- I'm 51 years old and can't

believe the hold she still has on me. it doesn't help that my brothers refuse

to see it to the extent I see it. But being boys, they didn't get it like I

have-- she's always been viciously envious of me.

>

> anyway, I guess I just wanted to hear that others have felt this way and maybe

prepare myself for the horrific response I will probably get from her tonight.

(I'm so anxious just writing this, as if she can see what I'm saying...crazy)

>

> also what is " nada "

>

November 17, 2011

Hi Row--

I'm glad you are here. I have found it a comfort to know that others are

experiencing similar situations with their Nada (Not a Mother). Sometimes it is

the same exact story with different names.

It seems that most BPD can have each of the traits of the 4 groups discussed in

Understanding The Borderline Mother.

My Nada is the Queen first and then the traits of the other three come out

depending on how she is feeling. She can be the victim (Waif), She may talk

about how she can't trust anyone and that she refuses to be hurt by others so

she won't get close (Hermit). She has told me I get too close to people (she

doesn't want me to have close friends). She can be jelous...of me. Critical.

(Witch) She wants to be the center of my life. Or my Dad's. So this behavior is

used with the two of us. (My older sister does not play this game....never has.

She is direct and she is distant) At times, Nada is really great and I get

sucked back in and we start all over again. I, like you, have been made to feel

unworthy of anything good as well.

I would say my Nada is high functioning. I'm not sure others know what we

experienced in our home. I have opened up to my Dad and he listens. But he has

played his part in all of this. He does understand that I need to make a change

and set up healthy boundaries. He is her whipping boy. It's tragic. She is

cruel to him. Nada is clever, crafty. She says things that are cutting and

cruel but they are said in a way that I have to stop and ask myself, " Was that

an insult? Did I just hear her right? " I always check myself with, " What I say

that to my own child? " My answer is always.... " Of course not!!! " I could never

say things to hurt my kids like the way she hurts me. What she expects of me is

so unrealistic. But I grew up that way and it can all get confusing in my head.

The few times I have called her attention to he behavior she answers me with,

" you are being too sensitive. " " You are emotionally black mailing me " " you are

being selfish " I guess that's all projecting. I would say that is the very way

in which she acts.

I have been afraid of my Mom. I understand how you feel as you wait for your

response.