Welcome to all the new members

[Guest guest]

I'm glad that you new members found your way here, but not that you needed to

(because you have a mother or father or family member with borderline pd.)

I myself found it very, very validating to discover that I was not the only one

wondering why I actually felt sick when a visit with my borderline pd mother was

imminent, or why I felt compelled to answer the phone if she was calling me and

just listen politely while she talked " at " me and made sly put-downs and

criticisms and negative comparisons regarding me.

It took me up into my late 40's to really start wondering what was wrong with

this picture, and more years to absorb the reality that my mother has a serious

mental illness called " borderline personality disorder " and more years to figure

out that it is not and never was my job to make her happy, and that the way she

treated me when I was growing up and into my teen years was technically

emotional abuse, physical abuse, and quasi-sexual abuse.

My main suggestion to new members is the concept that knowledge is power, and

empowering. It really, REALLY can help you to educate yourself about the

Cluster B personality disorders. Learning about the symptoms and behaviors of

personality disorder can help you to take your mother's or father's or siblings'

behavior less personally.

One of the main issues that we KOs have to recognize and overcome is the

inappropriate and misplaced feeling of responsibility for the way our mentally

ill parent is feeling. You did not cause your mother to be mentally ill, and

you cannot cure her. Part of her disorder is feeling a big, gaping empty

nothingness inside, where a " self " should be, and she believes it is OK for her

to use her child or children to be a " self " for her. Bpd mom not only believes

this is natural, normal and OK, she feels entitled to do this, and justified,

because she considers that you, her child, are either (a) her possession or (

you " owe " her for having given birth to you. But nobody can fill this empty

black hole of need except the person with bpd, by going into therapy and working

on their own self. But its a " Catch 22 " , because most individuals with

personality disorder will not seek therapy; they believe there is nothing wrong

with their own self, its the other people in their lives who are crazy and mean

and causing all their problems.

Its very common for a mother with bpd to " parentify " her own child, in a

complete reversal of roles and responsibility. This is a cruel and abusive

thing to do to your own child.

I highly recommend Lawson's book " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , although

it is a difficult read because of its devastatingly deep emotional impact. But

it is very thorough and insightful, and gives a lot of information about

different sub-types of borderline pd women, the kind of men they marry, and how

they impact their children's lives.

There are other good books out there too, like Randi Kreger's newer book, " The

Essential Family Guide to bpd " , and a book by an author whose name I can't

remember at the moment, " Surviving A Borderline Parent. "

All these books will help you as you find your own path to establishing a more

rational and workable relationship with your borderline parent by reducing

contact and setting firm boundaries & enforcing them - or - by deciding that if

your mental or physical health is in danger from being chronically abused, to

cut off contact with your bpd parent either temporarily or permanently.

Each of us has a unique situation with our bpd parent or parents. Some parents

are more mildly affected by bpd, other parents are more severely affected and

are an actual danger to their adult children and/or grandchildren. Some of us

KOs (Kids Of bpd parents) are stronger and more resilient, have outside sources

of validation, have independent means of support, and others of us are in less

secure positions and may still be financially or emotionally dependent on our

bpd parent(s).

So, each of us has to find our own path, the strategy or technique or therapy

that will work for us, as an individual. Reading the books, posting and reading

here, and finding a good therapist will show you different options. Its up to

you to figure out what you can and can't tolerate, and what you can and can't

live with.

Its a journey. And somehow, just knowing that other people are on the journey

to peace and healing with you, and wishing you well, makes it a little more

bearable.

Welcome to the Group.

-Annie

PS: " nada " is a term we tend to use here for a mother with borderline pd; its

short for " not a mom " . Its not required that you use it too, but that's what

it means.