follow up to crazy conversation with brother - need advice!

[Guest guest]

So the drama of course continues. For those who haven't read my other post my

brother mentioned the other night that he has fantasies about killing my fada

(who we all believe to have NPD). Of course this was upsetting as their

behavior generally is to me. I got some legal advice and apparently don't need

to call the police, but I felt it necessary to email him to let him know that I

would contact the police in the future if he says that or if he does anything.

In order to try to soften the backlash, and because I feel so sorry for the guy

and have this compulsory need to try to save people, I also talked a bit about

the healing journey I've been on. I didn't mention BPD, but I did say that

nada/fada failed us as parents because they didn't take care of their own mental

health. Nada loved us but never loved herself enough to trust herself to do a

better job. Fada loved us but always loved himself so much more. I went on to

say that I've been trying hard to let go of the anger that I also have (once

again, trying stupidly to help him see that he has a lot of unresolved anger).

I explained how sad I was once I identified w/ that emotion and that it felt

like a death. The death of my parents and the parents I never had.

So yesterday I had assumed that he had showed nada the email, because she sent

some weird text about how I didn't need to worry about him killing my dad.

Weird. Last night he called me about 10 times and I never answered. I texted

finally that I had just gotten my little boy to bed and was tired and didn't

feel like talking. I just saw his text back to me this morning that says " Mom

got on my email and read your letter. My fault for trusting for 4 years, but

she is so disheartened...I cry a tear. What does she think we went through,

much more to the story including, " That's it, I'm moving out " . Nuts since

noon " . Several things to mention here...1. classic BPD that she is invading

his privacy and reading his email, 2. He feels guilty, and in the past I would

have let guilt overcome me as well, that SHE feels bad that I am unhappy w/ my

childhood...how about you stop the shit now and then I won't be so upset about

it anymore... 3. He doesn't know what to do so I'm getting pulled in to have to

pick up the pieces.

My mind is racing...should I email her? Should I avoid contact w/ both for a

LONG time until this blows over? It's either address it or just go no contact.

Or maybe not.

Hmmm...just got another text from brother. This one is actually sane. " You're

right and I coudln't see it before...she has a victim's mentality. For

instance, if you have a problem, not only does she understand but she's been

there and worse. P.S. I cause all the problems between you two, and I'm just

like " fada " . Yesterday was glorious here " . I'm interpreting that to mean that

now she is telling him that he is the reason that I have relationship issues w/

her. That pisses me off...she continues to victimize him!!! NO she isn't the

reason I have a problem w/ her. She is the reason that he's a 40 year old w/

the maturity of a 5th grader that is unemployed and living with his mother.

God I hate this. So after all of that here is my questions...do I tell him

about what I suspect her diagnosis to be? It WILL get back to her and she WILL

lose her mind. Do I act like I know that htis happened when I have email/brief

phone exchanges w/ her? God I want to help him see the light and get some help

but my therapist fired me as being the one to rescue my family. But he's living

in hell and it just breaks my heart.

Thanks,

Wishing

[Guest guest]

I agree with your therapist, who " fired " you from being your family's rescuer

/mediator /therapist. You are almost bodily being dragged back in to that role

and that's not OK.

It is OK to take a " break " or a " time out " from your foo (family of origin)

drama. Everyone deserves a break now and then.

If you feel obligated to communicate this, you could send all of them one e-mail

stating something like:

" I need a complete break for a while. My physical and emotional health is as

stake. I will not be responding to any phone calls, any text messages, or any

e-mails from any of you for (however long feels right to you, Wishing) in order

to de-stress, and regain my own equilibrium and stability. I suggest that you

all seek family therapy if you need outside opinions or mediation. Thanks for

understanding. "

And then unplug them. Block their phone numbers, block their e-mails, block all

of their access to you.

Its hard to step out of an engrained, conditioned " role " with one's foo, but it

is sometimes necessary for growth. How can they grow and work things out with

each other if you are always stepping in to mediate? If you're not there,

they'd have to figure it out for themselves, somehow. So, let them. It might

even result in all of them going to family therapy together.

You didn't make your foo dysfunctional, and you can't fix them; you don't have

that power, so there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. They each have to

" fix " themselves, but each of them is the only person who has the power to do

that. All you have the power to do is decide how you will respond to a given

situation.

Each of us has to figure out what will work for us, individually. You'll figure

out what will work for you. Best of luck to you, and I hope you decide to give

yourself a break.

-Annie

>

> So the drama of course continues. For those who haven't read my other post my

brother mentioned the other night that he has fantasies about killing my fada

(who we all believe to have NPD). Of course this was upsetting as their

behavior generally is to me. I got some legal advice and apparently don't need

to call the police, but I felt it necessary to email him to let him know that I

would contact the police in the future if he says that or if he does anything.

In order to try to soften the backlash, and because I feel so sorry for the guy

and have this compulsory need to try to save people, I also talked a bit about

the healing journey I've been on. I didn't mention BPD, but I did say that

nada/fada failed us as parents because they didn't take care of their own mental

health. Nada loved us but never loved herself enough to trust herself to do a

better job. Fada loved us but always loved himself so much more. I went on to

say that I've been trying hard to let go of the anger that I also have (once

again, trying stupidly to help him see that he has a lot of unresolved anger).

I explained how sad I was once I identified w/ that emotion and that it felt

like a death. The death of my parents and the parents I never had.

>

> So yesterday I had assumed that he had showed nada the email, because she sent

some weird text about how I didn't need to worry about him killing my dad.

Weird. Last night he called me about 10 times and I never answered. I texted

finally that I had just gotten my little boy to bed and was tired and didn't

feel like talking. I just saw his text back to me this morning that says " Mom

got on my email and read your letter. My fault for trusting for 4 years, but

she is so disheartened...I cry a tear. What does she think we went through,

much more to the story including, " That's it, I'm moving out " . Nuts since

noon " . Several things to mention here...1. classic BPD that she is invading

his privacy and reading his email, 2. He feels guilty, and in the past I would

have let guilt overcome me as well, that SHE feels bad that I am unhappy w/ my

childhood...how about you stop the shit now and then I won't be so upset about

it anymore... 3. He doesn't know what to do so I'm getting pulled in to have to

pick up the pieces.

>

> My mind is racing...should I email her? Should I avoid contact w/ both for a

LONG time until this blows over? It's either address it or just go no contact.

Or maybe not.

>

> Hmmm...just got another text from brother. This one is actually sane.

" You're right and I coudln't see it before...she has a victim's mentality. For

instance, if you have a problem, not only does she understand but she's been

there and worse. P.S. I cause all the problems between you two, and I'm just

like " fada " . Yesterday was glorious here " . I'm interpreting that to mean that

now she is telling him that he is the reason that I have relationship issues w/

her. That pisses me off...she continues to victimize him!!! NO she isn't the

reason I have a problem w/ her. She is the reason that he's a 40 year old w/

the maturity of a 5th grader that is unemployed and living with his mother.

>

> God I hate this. So after all of that here is my questions...do I tell him

about what I suspect her diagnosis to be? It WILL get back to her and she WILL

lose her mind. Do I act like I know that htis happened when I have email/brief

phone exchanges w/ her? God I want to help him see the light and get some help

but my therapist fired me as being the one to rescue my family. But he's living

in hell and it just breaks my heart.

>

> Thanks,

> Wishing

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much Annie. You really are a kind person and very wise. I know you

must have gone through hell to gain this wisdom, but I appreciate that you are

helping so many other people.

I talked to my brother. Basically I just encouraged him to go to therapy and we

complained about our parents a little bit. In some ways it's good because he

understands what I've been through. Unfortunately it means that I spend the

entire time talking about stuff that leaves me so emotionally drained I feel

like I've been hit by a train. We speak so infrequently that I don't think I

need to be really clear about my boundaries with him at this point, but I did

tell him I can't have these intense conversations very often and I need a break.

I noticed in another post that you said your father has NPD. Mine does as well

and he's a really big asshole. I have a question for you since you have a

somewhat similar situation. My brother is under the impression that my dad

caused my mother's " victim attitude " and that he brainwashed her over the years.

I've never shared with him that I think she has BPD but I explained that she

thinks she's always the victim. He completely agrees, but obviously still feels

guilty saying too many negative things about her so he fluctuates back and forth

a lot. I think his role was to save my mother from my dad and he's still

incredibly stuck in that role as a 40 year old man. My theory is that no

healthy person would allow a NPD to treat them, or their children, in such a

terrible way and that BPD can't be created in a marriage. They were young when

they married, 20 I believe, but isn't that old enough to have already developed

yourself enough to have or not have a personality disorder? I'm 33 and besides

depression from this crap I think I'm a pretty mentally stable person. Under no

circumstance would my husband ever be allowed to treat me, and especially not my

child, how my father treated all of us. I would be divorced in a second. I

wouldn't care if I was living in a women's shelter I would protect my son from

growing up around that. So do you think being married to a NPD person could

cause you to develop BPD over time?

I'd love to hear feedback from anyone else that has a similar situation.

> >

> > So the drama of course continues. For those who haven't read my other post

my brother mentioned the other night that he has fantasies about killing my fada

(who we all believe to have NPD). Of course this was upsetting as their

behavior generally is to me. I got some legal advice and apparently don't need

to call the police, but I felt it necessary to email him to let him know that I

would contact the police in the future if he says that or if he does anything.

In order to try to soften the backlash, and because I feel so sorry for the guy

and have this compulsory need to try to save people, I also talked a bit about

the healing journey I've been on. I didn't mention BPD, but I did say that

nada/fada failed us as parents because they didn't take care of their own mental

health. Nada loved us but never loved herself enough to trust herself to do a

better job. Fada loved us but always loved himself so much more. I went on to

say that I've been trying hard to let go of the anger that I also have (once

again, trying stupidly to help him see that he has a lot of unresolved anger).

I explained how sad I was once I identified w/ that emotion and that it felt

like a death. The death of my parents and the parents I never had.

> >

> > So yesterday I had assumed that he had showed nada the email, because she

sent some weird text about how I didn't need to worry about him killing my dad.

Weird. Last night he called me about 10 times and I never answered. I texted

finally that I had just gotten my little boy to bed and was tired and didn't

feel like talking. I just saw his text back to me this morning that says " Mom

got on my email and read your letter. My fault for trusting for 4 years, but

she is so disheartened...I cry a tear. What does she think we went through,

much more to the story including, " That's it, I'm moving out " . Nuts since

noon " . Several things to mention here...1. classic BPD that she is invading

his privacy and reading his email, 2. He feels guilty, and in the past I would

have let guilt overcome me as well, that SHE feels bad that I am unhappy w/ my

childhood...how about you stop the shit now and then I won't be so upset about

it anymore... 3. He doesn't know what to do so I'm getting pulled in to have to

pick up the pieces.

> >

> > My mind is racing...should I email her? Should I avoid contact w/ both for

a LONG time until this blows over? It's either address it or just go no

contact. Or maybe not.

> >

> > Hmmm...just got another text from brother. This one is actually sane.

" You're right and I coudln't see it before...she has a victim's mentality. For

instance, if you have a problem, not only does she understand but she's been

there and worse. P.S. I cause all the problems between you two, and I'm just

like " fada " . Yesterday was glorious here " . I'm interpreting that to mean that

now she is telling him that he is the reason that I have relationship issues w/

her. That pisses me off...she continues to victimize him!!! NO she isn't the

reason I have a problem w/ her. She is the reason that he's a 40 year old w/

the maturity of a 5th grader that is unemployed and living with his mother.

> >

> > God I hate this. So after all of that here is my questions...do I tell him

about what I suspect her diagnosis to be? It WILL get back to her and she WILL

lose her mind. Do I act like I know that htis happened when I have email/brief

phone exchanges w/ her? God I want to help him see the light and get some help

but my therapist fired me as being the one to rescue my family. But he's living

in hell and it just breaks my heart.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Wishing

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm wondering if that was the other " Annie " who has an npd father; my dad passed

away about 16 years ago now. He was a " rescuer " type, kind of a dishrag where

nada was concerned, but generally sweet, kind and a good if somewhat distant dad

to me. I don't think he had a personality disorder, but he was co-dependent

with nada.

Me personally, from what I've read, the cause or causes of borderline pd are

still not completely clear, but the current most popular theory (posted at the

NIMH site) is that it happens due to a combination of nature plus nurture: a

kind of perfect storm of genetic predisposition plus being exposed to an

invalidating environment, or a perceived invalidating environment in

infancy/childhood. I haven't read of any cases of bpd showing up for the first

time after adulthood is reached, myself. From the literature and studies I've

read, and the posts at the support groups for parents who have a child with bpd,

it would appear that bpd most often first appears when puberty hits. But in

some cases even small children show the key traits of emotional dysregulation,

extreme, inappropriate rage, and other traits such as an inability to

self-soothe and a low tolerance for changes in schedule or environment. I

simply can't recall reading any posts or literature where a person has behaved

normally in childhood, behaved normally during their teen years and only begins

showing the traits and behaviors of bpd after reaching adulthood.

From what I've read, conditions that have similar traits to borderline pd and

can show up suddenly in adulthood (but are due to different causes) are

traumatic brain injury, which can cause an individual's entire personality or

character to change, a brain tumor, or extreme, prolonged substance abuse. If I

understand correctly, some forms of dementia can also cause personality changes

similar to the emotional dysregulation, cognitive distortion, paranoia and

delusional thinking of bpd.

I'd be more willing to bet that prolonged exposure to extreme abuse (such as

verbal, physical or sexual abuse from an npd spouse) would result in complex

post traumatic stress disorder, or an anxiety disorder, or depression showing up

for the first time in adulthood.

-Annie

>

> Thanks so much Annie. You really are a kind person and very wise. I know you

must have gone through hell to gain this wisdom, but I appreciate that you are

helping so many other people.

>

> I talked to my brother. Basically I just encouraged him to go to therapy and

we complained about our parents a little bit. In some ways it's good because he

understands what I've been through. Unfortunately it means that I spend the

entire time talking about stuff that leaves me so emotionally drained I feel

like I've been hit by a train. We speak so infrequently that I don't think I

need to be really clear about my boundaries with him at this point, but I did

tell him I can't have these intense conversations very often and I need a break.

>

> I noticed in another post that you said your father has NPD. Mine does as

well and he's a really big asshole. I have a question for you since you have a

somewhat similar situation. My brother is under the impression that my dad

caused my mother's " victim attitude " and that he brainwashed her over the years.

I've never shared with him that I think she has BPD but I explained that she

thinks she's always the victim. He completely agrees, but obviously still feels

guilty saying too many negative things about her so he fluctuates back and forth

a lot. I think his role was to save my mother from my dad and he's still

incredibly stuck in that role as a 40 year old man. My theory is that no

healthy person would allow a NPD to treat them, or their children, in such a

terrible way and that BPD can't be created in a marriage. They were young when

they married, 20 I believe, but isn't that old enough to have already developed

yourself enough to have or not have a personality disorder? I'm 33 and besides

depression from this crap I think I'm a pretty mentally stable person. Under no

circumstance would my husband ever be allowed to treat me, and especially not my

child, how my father treated all of us. I would be divorced in a second. I

wouldn't care if I was living in a women's shelter I would protect my son from

growing up around that. So do you think being married to a NPD person could

cause you to develop BPD over time?

>

> I'd love to hear feedback from anyone else that has a similar situation.

[Guest guest]

It's amazing how ok he was at her reading his private emails and having

absolutely no problem telling him that she did.

Honestly, wishing, my inclination would be to no longer take part in any

conversations with them. They have a dance going on and no one really wants to

stop. When they do, they'll do what they need to do to stop.

You're a caring sister who is just trying to help. I know how you feel. My

brother used to draw me into (and still tries to do so) his dances with my

mother. I finally sat it out and let them continue their dysfunctional two-step.

Our brothers sound so much alike. My therapist was asking me how my kids got

along with my brother. I said, " Great. He's still an adolescent inside, so they

all get along great. "

btw, good for you for telling your brother straight up that you would call the

police if he continued with the homicidal talk.

I hope he wakes up soon and gets help.

Fiona

>

> So the drama of course continues. For those who haven't read my other post my

brother mentioned the other night that he has fantasies about killing my fada

(who we all believe to have NPD). Of course this was upsetting as their

behavior generally is to me. I got some legal advice and apparently don't need

to call the police, but I felt it necessary to email him to let him know that I

would contact the police in the future if he says that or if he does anything.

In order to try to soften the backlash, and because I feel so sorry for the guy

and have this compulsory need to try to save people, I also talked a bit about

the healing journey I've been on. I didn't mention BPD, but I did say that

nada/fada failed us as parents because they didn't take care of their own mental

health. Nada loved us but never loved herself enough to trust herself to do a

better job. Fada loved us but always loved himself so much more. I went on to

say that I've been trying hard to let go of the anger that I also have (once

again, trying stupidly to help him see that he has a lot of unresolved anger).

I explained how sad I was once I identified w/ that emotion and that it felt

like a death. The death of my parents and the parents I never had.

>

> So yesterday I had assumed that he had showed nada the email, because she sent

some weird text about how I didn't need to worry about him killing my dad.

Weird. Last night he called me about 10 times and I never answered. I texted

finally that I had just gotten my little boy to bed and was tired and didn't

feel like talking. I just saw his text back to me this morning that says " Mom

got on my email and read your letter. My fault for trusting for 4 years, but

she is so disheartened...I cry a tear. What does she think we went through,

much more to the story including, " That's it, I'm moving out " . Nuts since

noon " . Several things to mention here...1. classic BPD that she is invading

his privacy and reading his email, 2. He feels guilty, and in the past I would

have let guilt overcome me as well, that SHE feels bad that I am unhappy w/ my

childhood...how about you stop the shit now and then I won't be so upset about

it anymore... 3. He doesn't know what to do so I'm getting pulled in to have to

pick up the pieces.

>

> My mind is racing...should I email her? Should I avoid contact w/ both for a

LONG time until this blows over? It's either address it or just go no contact.

Or maybe not.

>

> Hmmm...just got another text from brother. This one is actually sane.

" You're right and I coudln't see it before...she has a victim's mentality. For

instance, if you have a problem, not only does she understand but she's been

there and worse. P.S. I cause all the problems between you two, and I'm just

like " fada " . Yesterday was glorious here " . I'm interpreting that to mean that

now she is telling him that he is the reason that I have relationship issues w/

her. That pisses me off...she continues to victimize him!!! NO she isn't the

reason I have a problem w/ her. She is the reason that he's a 40 year old w/

the maturity of a 5th grader that is unemployed and living with his mother.

>

> God I hate this. So after all of that here is my questions...do I tell him

about what I suspect her diagnosis to be? It WILL get back to her and she WILL

lose her mind. Do I act like I know that htis happened when I have email/brief

phone exchanges w/ her? God I want to help him see the light and get some help

but my therapist fired me as being the one to rescue my family. But he's living

in hell and it just breaks my heart.

>

> Thanks,

> Wishing

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I'm trying so hard to break free from this rut I feel i'm in. I am paralyzed

with procrastination when it has to do with work I have to do. When I am asked

to help anyone with their stuff, I get it done quick. I always put myself last.

I have a very exciting project I am working on for a children's TV network...but

I constantly put my great ideas on hold.

I am immobilized with inactivity for myself.

Instead of working on my creative project, I am reading this blog...I am

watching TV, I am on Facebook...and feeling isolated.

All my life, my mom wanted me isolated, and look, I'm now doing it to myself.

I HATE THIS!!!

I feel awful today.

Amy

barrycove@...

[Guest guest]

Thanks! This morning I was thinking about how I need to send an email that I'm

disconnecting for awhile and this gave me the courage to do so. I got more

texts last night about how mom is moving out, blah, blah. I have been allowing

myself to get sucked in. SOOOO hard not to!!

I just sent an email saying that I am getting upset by all of this and I need to

disconnect (no phone, email, texts) for the next week. I tried to keep it as

positive as possible. I thanked my mom for trying hard lately with me (she

really has adhered to my boundaries relatively well) and that it's been nice to

reconnect with my brother a little bit BUT for my sake I have to take a break.

I am off work a whole week for Thanksgiving vacation and I will NOT allow them

to ruin the time I have to spend with my son. I will be creating happy memories

and not letting them screw that up!!

Thanks again:)

> >

> > So the drama of course continues. For those who haven't read my other post

my brother mentioned the other night that he has fantasies about killing my fada

(who we all believe to have NPD). Of course this was upsetting as their

behavior generally is to me. I got some legal advice and apparently don't need

to call the police, but I felt it necessary to email him to let him know that I

would contact the police in the future if he says that or if he does anything.

In order to try to soften the backlash, and because I feel so sorry for the guy

and have this compulsory need to try to save people, I also talked a bit about

the healing journey I've been on. I didn't mention BPD, but I did say that

nada/fada failed us as parents because they didn't take care of their own mental

health. Nada loved us but never loved herself enough to trust herself to do a

better job. Fada loved us but always loved himself so much more. I went on to

say that I've been trying hard to let go of the anger that I also have (once

again, trying stupidly to help him see that he has a lot of unresolved anger).

I explained how sad I was once I identified w/ that emotion and that it felt

like a death. The death of my parents and the parents I never had.

> >

> > So yesterday I had assumed that he had showed nada the email, because she

sent some weird text about how I didn't need to worry about him killing my dad.

Weird. Last night he called me about 10 times and I never answered. I texted

finally that I had just gotten my little boy to bed and was tired and didn't

feel like talking. I just saw his text back to me this morning that says " Mom

got on my email and read your letter. My fault for trusting for 4 years, but

she is so disheartened...I cry a tear. What does she think we went through,

much more to the story including, " That's it, I'm moving out " . Nuts since

noon " . Several things to mention here...1. classic BPD that she is invading

his privacy and reading his email, 2. He feels guilty, and in the past I would

have let guilt overcome me as well, that SHE feels bad that I am unhappy w/ my

childhood...how about you stop the shit now and then I won't be so upset about

it anymore... 3. He doesn't know what to do so I'm getting pulled in to have to

pick up the pieces.

> >

> > My mind is racing...should I email her? Should I avoid contact w/ both for

a LONG time until this blows over? It's either address it or just go no

contact. Or maybe not.

> >

> > Hmmm...just got another text from brother. This one is actually sane.

" You're right and I coudln't see it before...she has a victim's mentality. For

instance, if you have a problem, not only does she understand but she's been

there and worse. P.S. I cause all the problems between you two, and I'm just

like " fada " . Yesterday was glorious here " . I'm interpreting that to mean that

now she is telling him that he is the reason that I have relationship issues w/

her. That pisses me off...she continues to victimize him!!! NO she isn't the

reason I have a problem w/ her. She is the reason that he's a 40 year old w/

the maturity of a 5th grader that is unemployed and living with his mother.

> >

> > God I hate this. So after all of that here is my questions...do I tell him

about what I suspect her diagnosis to be? It WILL get back to her and she WILL

lose her mind. Do I act like I know that htis happened when I have email/brief

phone exchanges w/ her? God I want to help him see the light and get some help

but my therapist fired me as being the one to rescue my family. But he's living

in hell and it just breaks my heart.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Wishing

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You may be doing what I used to do: cheerfully and obligingly beating yourself

up/ punishing yourself *for* your nada (since she isn't there to do it in

person) in order to win her approval or punish yourself for failing nada.

This is something that is very, very difficult to just " stop " . Its an engrained

behavior implanted into us by nada practically with our infant formula. We

don't have direct, conscious access to the feelings or memories that are causing

us to punish ourselves, so it makes it hard to stop. Its the same issue that

overweight people face RE eating to soothe themselves; they're not even aware

they're doing it; its a semi-unconscious act.

Each of us must figure out what will work for us when we get stuck in these

self-destructive behavior patterns; my own personal recommendation is that this

is the kind of thing that therapy is good with addressing: different therapies

can teach us to be more " in the moment " ( " mindfulness " ) and aware of when we're

doing things like procrastinating (punishing ourselves) or over-eating (to

soothe ourselves) so that we can apply other techniques to distract and refocus

our anxiety or detach from our neediness or guilt.

I wish for you that you will find whatever methods/therapies work for you to get

you past the self-punishing through procrastination, and past the self-denial

of allowing yourself to fully enjoy & participate in the good things in life

(like developing a kids' TV show! Cool!)

-Annie

>

> Annie,

> I'm trying so hard to break free from this rut I feel i'm in. I am paralyzed

with procrastination when it has to do with work I have to do. When I am asked

to help anyone with their stuff, I get it done quick. I always put myself last.

> I have a very exciting project I am working on for a children's TV

network...but I constantly put my great ideas on hold.

>

>

> I am immobilized with inactivity for myself.

>

>

> Instead of working on my creative project, I am reading this blog...I am

watching TV, I am on Facebook...and feeling isolated.

> All my life, my mom wanted me isolated, and look, I'm now doing it to myself.

> I HATE THIS!!!

>

>

> I feel awful today.

> Amy

>

>

> barrycove@...

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" All my life, my mom wanted me isolated, and look, I'm now doing it to myself. "

Hi Amy,

That part of your post really sounded like something I would say. I was

remembering just last night how my mother, when I was a kid, if someone knocked

at our door, would motion to my brother and me to be absolutely quiet b/c then

whoever was knocking would go away. Even if it was someone she liked!

My mother, as you said, isolated herself. And she took us along with her. She

wouldn't do this around my father b/c he would get on her case for being such a

nut.

Same thing if we went out shopping, she would say as we approached the store, " I

hope we don't run into anyone we know. " As a child, I couldn't understand what

was so wrong with that. But she said it so often, I caught *myself* saying it.

I actually force myself to now say when I go out, " I hope I see someone I

know!! " It's like I want my subconscious to believe I mean it.

When you feel that urge to procrastinate, could you speak to yourself as if you

were your own child? I mean, what would you say to your child? You want the best

for them and want them to succeed. Maybe you could tell your " child, " " that's

enough Facebook for now, come on, I'm setting the timer and I want you to work

on that project for 30 minutes tonight. After that, you can play with your XBox

all you want... "

Or something like that. You get what I mean. I do that with myself with food. I

ask myself what would I tell my kids if they went to eat THAT after they'd just

had THAT?

Hope that's not a simplistic idea. It sometimes helps me; like you, I things for

myself last just b/c there's so much stuff going on and it seems easiest to

leave my stuff last.

Good luck with your project!!

Fiona

>

> Annie,

> I'm trying so hard to break free from this rut I feel i'm in. I am paralyzed

with procrastination when it has to do with work I have to do. When I am asked

to help anyone with their stuff, I get it done quick. I always put myself last.

> I have a very exciting project I am working on for a children's TV

network...but I constantly put my great ideas on hold.

>

>

> I am immobilized with inactivity for myself.

>

>

> Instead of working on my creative project, I am reading this blog...I am

watching TV, I am on Facebook...and feeling isolated.

> All my life, my mom wanted me isolated, and look, I'm now doing it to myself.

> I HATE THIS!!!

>

>

> I feel awful today.

> Amy

>

>

> barrycove@...

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

good for you, Wishing. I know how hard that is, esp when you're so used to

being the Rescuer. That was my role, too. Rescuer, Cheerleader.

You handled it really well. Hugs.

> > >

> > > So the drama of course continues. For those who haven't read my other

post my brother mentioned the other night that he has fantasies about killing my

fada (who we all believe to have NPD). Of course this was upsetting as their

behavior generally is to me. I got some legal advice and apparently don't need

to call the police, but I felt it necessary to email him to let him know that I

would contact the police in the future if he says that or if he does anything.

In order to try to soften the backlash, and because I feel so sorry for the guy

and have this compulsory need to try to save people, I also talked a bit about

the healing journey I've been on. I didn't mention BPD, but I did say that

nada/fada failed us as parents because they didn't take care of their own mental

health. Nada loved us but never loved herself enough to trust herself to do a

better job. Fada loved us but always loved himself so much more. I went on to

say that I've been trying hard to let go of the anger that I also have (once

again, trying stupidly to help him see that he has a lot of unresolved anger).

I explained how sad I was once I identified w/ that emotion and that it felt

like a death. The death of my parents and the parents I never had.

> > >

> > > So yesterday I had assumed that he had showed nada the email, because she

sent some weird text about how I didn't need to worry about him killing my dad.

Weird. Last night he called me about 10 times and I never answered. I texted

finally that I had just gotten my little boy to bed and was tired and didn't

feel like talking. I just saw his text back to me this morning that says " Mom

got on my email and read your letter. My fault for trusting for 4 years, but

she is so disheartened...I cry a tear. What does she think we went through,

much more to the story including, " That's it, I'm moving out " . Nuts since

noon " . Several things to mention here...1. classic BPD that she is invading

his privacy and reading his email, 2. He feels guilty, and in the past I would

have let guilt overcome me as well, that SHE feels bad that I am unhappy w/ my

childhood...how about you stop the shit now and then I won't be so upset about

it anymore... 3. He doesn't know what to do so I'm getting pulled in to have to

pick up the pieces.

> > >

> > > My mind is racing...should I email her? Should I avoid contact w/ both

for a LONG time until this blows over? It's either address it or just go no

contact. Or maybe not.

> > >

> > > Hmmm...just got another text from brother. This one is actually sane.

" You're right and I coudln't see it before...she has a victim's mentality. For

instance, if you have a problem, not only does she understand but she's been

there and worse. P.S. I cause all the problems between you two, and I'm just

like " fada " . Yesterday was glorious here " . I'm interpreting that to mean that

now she is telling him that he is the reason that I have relationship issues w/

her. That pisses me off...she continues to victimize him!!! NO she isn't the

reason I have a problem w/ her. She is the reason that he's a 40 year old w/

the maturity of a 5th grader that is unemployed and living with his mother.

> > >

> > > God I hate this. So after all of that here is my questions...do I tell

him about what I suspect her diagnosis to be? It WILL get back to her and she

WILL lose her mind. Do I act like I know that htis happened when I have

email/brief phone exchanges w/ her? God I want to help him see the light and

get some help but my therapist fired me as being the one to rescue my family.

But he's living in hell and it just breaks my heart.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > Wishing

> > >

> >

>