Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers or Queen bpd nadas

November 18, 2011

Since there have been several new members arriving lately, I'm posting a link to

a short article that I found kind of amazing. It lists the characteristics or

traits of narcissistic mothers:

http://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/

Since my nada has been mostly a " Queen " bpd (and a " Witch " bpd) she evidenced

many of the traits in this list.

The designations " Queen " , " Witch " , " Waif " , and " Hermit " bpd come from the book

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " by Lawson; the " Queen " bpd has

narcissistic pd traits as a co-morbidity, so its like a two-for-one package

deal: you get a mom with both borderline pd and narcissistic pd. Randi Kreger,

the owner of this Group and author of " The Essential Family Guide to BPD " wrote

an article about " UTBM " at the " Psychology Today " website that gives a good

summary of the sub-sets that Lawson created:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-world-the-\

borderline-mother-and-her-children

Basic breakdown:

" Hermit " = bpd + avoidant pd

" Waif " = bpd + dependent pd

" Queen " = bpd + narcissistic pd

" Witch " = bpd + antisocial (sociopathic/psychopathic) pd

Bottom line:

A mother with moderate to severe personality disorder *cannot* view her own

child as what the child actually is: a separate, unique individual human being

with needs, feelings, rights, wishes, dreams, and opinions that might differ

from the mother's. The bpd mother, instead, will perceive her child as

practically anything else: as her own mother/father, as an extension of her own

self, as her possession, as her servant, as her sister/brother, as an idealized

projection of her own best traits (golden child), as the carrier of all her own

most hated and shameful traits (scapegoat child) as her substitute spouse, as

her rescuer, as her best friend, as her hated rival and enemy, as a

reincarnation of the child's father (whom she may loathe or idealize), as a

chain and anchor around her neck.... etc.

A mother who cannot perceive and relate to her own child as the unique

individual that the child is, is going to damage her child. The severity of the

damage varies from case to case. The criteria that define bpd are virtually the

anthesis of the definition of a " good enough " mother.

Lawson recommends early intervention and supervision of mothers with personality

disorder to protect their children from psychological damage, or in the most

severe cases, the child needs to be removed to a safe environment.

-Annie

November 18, 2011

Thank you so much. This is exactly what we are dealing with! I mean, this is

it to an absolute " T " . WOW.

November 19, 2011

That was a good reading....so very helpful and amazingly right on target.

This is so helpful to those who are just learning and trying to figure out this

confusion. That's how I felt....knowing something was terribly wrong put not

being able to make sense out of it. I'm an educated woman but while in the

craziness....I couldn't make sense out of what had been happening all these

years.

Thank you for sharing...this makes sense.

>

> Thank you so much. This is exactly what we are dealing with! I mean, this is

it to an absolute " T " . WOW.

>

November 19, 2011

Thank you so much, Annie--every time you post this, I re-read it, and the longer

I am NC, the more it hits home, as I get enough distance to see what really was

happening.

Just a few that stick out today:

Masked insults by insincere congratulations. So many times I would be proud of

an accomplishment, and bring it to her for mirroring, and I'd get 'yes,

CONGRATULATIONS, CHAR-lie', in an exasperated, sarcastic tone that at once said

she was put out and disguested, and not *really impressed...but of course, tone

can be denied. Point one of this article is so important because it hits the

nail on the head for nadas: insults must always be 'masked' so that they can

deny them to outsiders and themselves and, most importantly, to the victim.

Parties thrown for non-traditional reasons so that nada can be the center of

attention. So many times, nada would get it in her head that *this was an

important birthday/anniversary/graduation for a family member, and she would

plan a big party where the whole non-nuclear clan had to attend. If they didn't

interact with her to plan it, or attend it, it looked like they didn't *care

about the 90 year old/ 40th anniversary, etc. It always felt terrible to me,

because I could feel the manipulation in these events, that nada didn't really

care about the honorees. It was 100% random whether we'd celebrate say, a 54th

birthday or a 32d anniversary, or one cousin's graduation from 8th grade. Now I

see, it's just if nada was in the mood to get some attention and force all eyes

on her.

(Does it go without saying that, as the scapegoat child, I never was one of the

false honorees?)

Scapegoat v/s golden child. This was absolutely central to nada's world. I am

scapegoat, sister is golden. It is to exaggerated, truly mentally ill extremes.

Never giving a gift/doing a favor without it being some kind of insult or abuse.

The last interaction I had with nada, she was posing as doing something nice for

me, but it was really meant to show me that my sister was more important than I.

(She was giving me some of her very nice, luxury level furniture--but only so

that she could redecorate the room even nicer to be my sister's room for her

visits.)

A lot of the phrases. Exact language nada used--especially 'vivid imagination'.

No set schedule of housework/errands. Housework was not a way to teach the kids

responsibility or be a family--it was a way for nada to inflict control and

abuse. Golden girl was NEVER asked to do housework. Ever. When she moved out,

nada even HIRED HER A MAID. I am not kidding. But the rest of us were asked on

the spur of the moment, at inconvenient times, when nada could see we were

obviously upset--basically whenever nada could invoke the most abuse and get the

most of her little rise out of it. And of course, as scapegoat would do the

dishes, literally, AS it was happening, nada would moan and groan, 'I never get

any help around here...'

Giving away our possessions. Nada would have garage sales. People would come

for my BEDROOM set--oh, I thought you didn't want that anymore! (And, I am

going to sleep--where? One of my biggest accomplishments in adulthood was to

buy myself a bed with my own money, that nada could not take away).

Actually I could go on for pages and pages with this. But these are the ones

that most stand out to me, today.

--Charlotte

>

> Since there have been several new members arriving lately, I'm posting a link

to a short article that I found kind of amazing. It lists the characteristics

or traits of narcissistic mothers:

>

> http://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/

>

> Since my nada has been mostly a " Queen " bpd (and a " Witch " bpd) she evidenced

many of the traits in this list.

>

> The designations " Queen " , " Witch " , " Waif " , and " Hermit " bpd come from the book

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " by Lawson; the " Queen " bpd has

narcissistic pd traits as a co-morbidity, so its like a two-for-one package

deal: you get a mom with both borderline pd and narcissistic pd. Randi Kreger,

the owner of this Group and author of " The Essential Family Guide to BPD " wrote

an article about " UTBM " at the " Psychology Today " website that gives a good

summary of the sub-sets that Lawson created:

>

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-world-the-\

borderline-mother-and-her-children

>

> Basic breakdown:

>

> " Hermit " = bpd + avoidant pd

> " Waif " = bpd + dependent pd

> " Queen " = bpd + narcissistic pd

> " Witch " = bpd + antisocial (sociopathic/psychopathic) pd

>

> Bottom line:

>

> A mother with moderate to severe personality disorder *cannot* view her own