Re: Fwd: Who / What Am I? - trying.toheal

[Guest guest]

" I also have a Nada who does not like me having friends. Does not want my

friends to love on me. I have some very generous friends. She will find ways to

put them down or to let me know that i'm not worthy of the attention or

generosity.

I know differently now.

Thank goodness I know that I am worthy. So much of my life I felt unworthy. "

YES! totally me too. My mother has always and I know she still is, jealous of

my friends. She would say things about them as soon as their backs were turned,

like, " how can you be friends with someone like that? " And the person's big

problem, to her, was that they wore perfume!

My mother was always popping my balloon about one thing or another, like she

just didn't like me having fun of any kind.

> >

> >

> > Hi everyone, this made very interesting reading.

> >

> >

> >

> > Yes there are a lot of selfish narcisistic parents about who do not care

> > about their off spring's feelings.

> > They get jealous of them, they verbally abuse them, they show them a lack

> > of respect. I do not think it is because they expect perfection from you

> > because they expect it themselves. I think it is because they think they did

> > you a huge favour by bringing you into the World and they brought you

> > into the World to serve them and be available to them. Their offspring's

> > needs are then totally irrelevant and get in the way of their own needs.

With

> > my parents if I was busy with a friend they were put out that I had a

> > friend and hated it and preferred me to have no friends at all so that I

was

> > never too busy for them. The fact this would make me miserable and lonely

> > was irrelevant. If I invited a friend over for a meal and cooked my friend

a

> > lovely meal and told my parents they would go on about how I am making

> > more of a fuss of my friend than I do of them and get very jealous. If I

met

> > a man and fell in love and wanted to spend lots of time with the object of

> > my desires they would make nasty comments about how we are spending too

> > much time together and should see a lot less of each other and if I saw

them

> > more and thought about them more I would not need the man so much. Even

when

> > I was aged 45 and seeing a man I had been seeing for eight years they got

> > annoyed and jealous because they said they should always be far more

> > important to me than him or anyone else.

> >

> > What made this even more ridiculous was that they were never there for me

> > when I needed support or help.

> > My father had disappeared and run off with another woman when I was 15. He

> > made it clear to me he never wanted to see me or hear from me again, he

> > would not even give me his address and phone number. When he heard I was in

> > hospital with a nervous breakdown it made no difference, he would not even

> > phone.

> > But years later he thought he could just waltz back and make demands and

> > criticise. My mother would come to me trying to get lots of money off of

> > me, and when I was young and living with her she also told men that if they

> > gave her money they could have sex with me - of course i DID NOT go along

> > with this! It was like she saw pound signs in her eyes when she looked at

> > me. When she got a new boyfriend and he turned out to be a sex perv trying

> > it on with me all of the time she turned her back on me and was nasty to me

> > and stayed with him and shut me out of her life until many years later

> > when this man died. Then she thought she could be demanding again.

> >

> > I deal with it by having lots of barriers and boundaries. For example, I

> > live a long way away from my mother and it is best that way. If she wants to

> > live near me she can move to be near me - after all it was her that moved

> > away and it costs a lot to move. I am not going through all of that hassle,

> > expense my lovely house and friends to please her. My mother still tries

> > to make demands and bully me even though all of our contact is on the

> > phone. I put my phone down and say NO. I am 54 now and have always had to

stand

> > on my own two feet financially and emotionally. I will not allow her to

> > drain me of either.

> >

> > There are lots of sub divisions that come off of this. For one thing how

> > can you trust other people you meet later in life if your own family just

> > want to mess you around, use you or abuse you? You will forever be unsure

of

> > other people. You also become unsure of yourself because somehow it must

> > be your fault that your parent tries to treat you this way. Maybe you are

> > ugly, or unloveable, boring or stupid? If your own parents do not love you

> > how can a stranger? You try hard to please people. They then pick up on

> > this and take advantage. IT CAN BECOME A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

> >

> > I used to worry that I was wearing the wrong colour, had put on the wrong

> > music, had cooked the wrong meal because whatever I did was criticised and

> > never good enough, yet the interesting thing was neither of them

> > had led fantastic blameless lives. My dad had a very ordinary badly paid

> > job and drank a lot.

> > My mother had never had a good job and relied on men for everything.

> >

> > Well hope this helps, take care, Carmel

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

It would seem this is a common response from a BPD. After reading more about

the Queen Mom (which is my Mom's primary group) she definitely fits the

narcisistic Mom.

Yes, just as you said....popping my balloon.

Although now, if we are in a group and I have friends over (since we live out of

town, my parents have to stay with us for days at a time) Nada will give me the

silent treatment and it's uncomfortable to everyone. She has this whole demeanor

going...her back up and her chin a certain way as she moves about silently. It's

so uncomfortable. I used to feel so guilty and try to bend over backwards

pleasing her so she would snap out of it. I have enabled this woman time and

time again for so many years. No more! I'm done! Sadly I used to say things

about my friends to her that would be negative knowing that would make her feel

good. Now that is really terrible. Yes, completely enmenshed. (I'm so

embarassed to even admit that.)

I hope it's okay to repeat myself..but this is a great example of my mom not

wanting me to have freinds and making me " pay " . My 4 year old daughter's

surgery. A good friend told me she would be at the hospital to help. She is so

loving, giving so there for me. I was a long way from home and my nada was

supposed to go with us to surgery. Once she found out my friend was meeting me

there she came up with an excuse not to go and support me. It blew up into an

awful event. I know it's because she would not be able to stand my friend

offering me loving support. This has happened before. Then she manipulated

everything and said I just want to be with friends. Oh so crazy.

We are moving again in 6 months. We move so often that we thought keeping our

daughter's team of Dr.'s in one location was a good idea. Where hubby and I are

from. Thought this made sense. So now we are having to look into other

Children's Hospital's around the country who can preform the surgeries for her.

Knowing we can't rely on my parents for support. I have friends who have offered

to come and stay with our other children while our daugher has her next surgery.

Other friends who have offered to help unpack our home. We feel very loved. It's

too bad it can't be my parents.

> > >

> > >

> > > Hi everyone, this made very interesting reading.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Yes there are a lot of selfish narcisistic parents about who do not care

> > > about their off spring's feelings.

> > > They get jealous of them, they verbally abuse them, they show them a lack

> > > of respect. I do not think it is because they expect perfection from you

> > > because they expect it themselves. I think it is because they think they

did

> > > you a huge favour by bringing you into the World and they brought you

> > > into the World to serve them and be available to them. Their offspring's

> > > needs are then totally irrelevant and get in the way of their own needs.

With

> > > my parents if I was busy with a friend they were put out that I had a

> > > friend and hated it and preferred me to have no friends at all so that I

was

> > > never too busy for them. The fact this would make me miserable and lonely

> > > was irrelevant. If I invited a friend over for a meal and cooked my

friend a

> > > lovely meal and told my parents they would go on about how I am making

> > > more of a fuss of my friend than I do of them and get very jealous. If I

met

> > > a man and fell in love and wanted to spend lots of time with the object

of

> > > my desires they would make nasty comments about how we are spending too

> > > much time together and should see a lot less of each other and if I saw

them

> > > more and thought about them more I would not need the man so much. Even

when

> > > I was aged 45 and seeing a man I had been seeing for eight years they

got

> > > annoyed and jealous because they said they should always be far more

> > > important to me than him or anyone else.

> > >

> > > What made this even more ridiculous was that they were never there for me

> > > when I needed support or help.

> > > My father had disappeared and run off with another woman when I was 15.

He

> > > made it clear to me he never wanted to see me or hear from me again, he

> > > would not even give me his address and phone number. When he heard I was

in

> > > hospital with a nervous breakdown it made no difference, he would not even

> > > phone.

> > > But years later he thought he could just waltz back and make demands and

> > > criticise. My mother would come to me trying to get lots of money off of

> > > me, and when I was young and living with her she also told men that if

they

> > > gave her money they could have sex with me - of course i DID NOT go

along

> > > with this! It was like she saw pound signs in her eyes when she looked

at

> > > me. When she got a new boyfriend and he turned out to be a sex perv

trying

> > > it on with me all of the time she turned her back on me and was nasty to

me

> > > and stayed with him and shut me out of her life until many years later

> > > when this man died. Then she thought she could be demanding again.

> > >

> > > I deal with it by having lots of barriers and boundaries. For example, I

> > > live a long way away from my mother and it is best that way. If she wants

to

> > > live near me she can move to be near me - after all it was her that moved

> > > away and it costs a lot to move. I am not going through all of that

hassle,

> > > expense my lovely house and friends to please her. My mother still tries

> > > to make demands and bully me even though all of our contact is on the

> > > phone. I put my phone down and say NO. I am 54 now and have always had to

stand

> > > on my own two feet financially and emotionally. I will not allow her to

> > > drain me of either.

> > >

> > > There are lots of sub divisions that come off of this. For one thing how

> > > can you trust other people you meet later in life if your own family just

> > > want to mess you around, use you or abuse you? You will forever be

unsure of

> > > other people. You also become unsure of yourself because somehow it must

> > > be your fault that your parent tries to treat you this way. Maybe you

are

> > > ugly, or unloveable, boring or stupid? If your own parents do not love you

> > > how can a stranger? You try hard to please people. They then pick up on

> > > this and take advantage. IT CAN BECOME A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

> > >

> > > I used to worry that I was wearing the wrong colour, had put on the wrong

> > > music, had cooked the wrong meal because whatever I did was criticised and

> > > never good enough, yet the interesting thing was neither of them

> > > had led fantastic blameless lives. My dad had a very ordinary badly paid

> > > job and drank a lot.

> > > My mother had never had a good job and relied on men for everything.

> > >

> > > Well hope this helps, take care, Carmel

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >