Breaking a pattern of nada's / a happy story

[Guest guest]

Well, last night, my young daughter's school (my daughter is 7--I'll call her

Lucy) had an event and Lucy and I had planned on going. Lucy is kind of like

me, a homebody. Plus, she gets nervous at big events with a lot of people (also

an issue I tend to struggle with). She prefers play dates and going to movies,

stuff like that.

As we came home from work/school, I said out loud, " Wouldn't it be nice to stay

home and put our feet up? " Lucy seized on that and decided she didn't want to

go to the school event. She cried, she begged, she whined, she began to get

changed into her home clothes.

I felt so guilty. I felt like nada. That was something my mother would

CONSTANTLY do because SHE was afraid of seeing other people and socializing.

Her fear of what people would say about her or how SHE would interpret their

looks, their words, their everything, to mean they didn't like her affected my

life completely. Her issues limited not only her, but all of us in the family.

It was like she was a nail in a bicycle tire. That was that.

I still can't believe I blurted that out to Lucy, just like nada would have,

except I truly was looking forward to going, I like events with food! (I *think*

I wanted to go...maybe subconsciously I didn't...)

I finally got out of Lucy the reason she didn't want to go (won't go into it

here; not relevant). My mother (in her social anxiety paralysis) would have

agreed with me and said, " Oh, Fiona, you're right; let's just stay home and

watch tv. " (And truly, I would have, too, a few years ago. Being in therapy and

wanting to change has helped me. I still struggle with this, but I pray it's

less and less.)

I would have given anything to stay home and watch an old movie, but I decided

if I did, that fear that Lucy was nursing in her head would gain power, and it

would become a " true " story she would return to again and again before any event

she was afraid to go to: " I, Lucy, am not good enough to go to this party.

Everyone will laugh at me. My mother showed me it's true because we're staying

home. "

I said to her, " Lucy, we're going to talk to that scary part in you. Ready?

'Hey, scary part, get lost! You're boring and dumb and you're not invited.

Buh-bye!'   And Lucy, if it comes back, keep telling it 'so what? so what? I'm

going to have a great time tonight! Woo hoo! Get lost and watch me boogie

down!!' "

Finally got her to go and we had a blast. She didn't want to leave.

It was a good thing for both of us to work through. It felt like we BOTH reached

the top of a gnarly hill last night.

I almost cried to see a dark part of the past with nada not peek its head into

my present. Not to say we won't deal with this again, but...it was just nice.

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

Thank you for sharing your happy story. What a victory over those Nada moments.

I think many will be able to relate and also celebrate that you overcame. You

were so sweet with your daughter. I love the words you used with her. You were

so encouraging. As a daughter, I would have loved to have had a mom talking to

me just like you did with Lucy.

I too have those moments when I realize I'm behaving like my Nada. Boy---not so

easy to say. But a true confession. I'm thankful for the times I am able to

recognize where my heart is. I can make a choice to respond a different way.

I'm thankful that I'm learning and understanding what BPD.

Again--what a wonderful first post read this morning. Thank you.

>

> Well, last night, my young daughter's school (my daughter is 7--I'll call her

Lucy) had an event and Lucy and I had planned on going. Lucy is kind of like

me, a homebody. Plus, she gets nervous at big events with a lot of people (also

an issue I tend to struggle with). She prefers play dates and going to movies,

stuff like that.

>

> As we came home from work/school, I said out loud, " Wouldn't it be nice to

stay home and put our feet up? " Lucy seized on that and decided she didn't want

to go to the school event. She cried, she begged, she whined, she began to get

changed into her home clothes.

>

> I felt so guilty. I felt like nada. That was something my mother would

CONSTANTLY do because SHE was afraid of seeing other people and socializing.

Her fear of what people would say about her or how SHE would interpret their

looks, their words, their everything, to mean they didn't like her affected my

life completely. Her issues limited not only her, but all of us in the family.

It was like she was a nail in a bicycle tire. That was that.

>

> I still can't believe I blurted that out to Lucy, just like nada would have,

except I truly was looking forward to going, I like events with food! (I *think*

I wanted to go...maybe subconsciously I didn't...)

>

> I finally got out of Lucy the reason she didn't want to go (won't go into it

here; not relevant). My mother (in her social anxiety paralysis) would have

agreed with me and said, " Oh, Fiona, you're right; let's just stay home and

watch tv. " (And truly, I would have, too, a few years ago. Being in therapy and

wanting to change has helped me. I still struggle with this, but I pray it's

less and less.)

>

> I would have given anything to stay home and watch an old movie, but I decided

if I did, that fear that Lucy was nursing in her head would gain power, and it

would become a " true " story she would return to again and again before any event

she was afraid to go to: " I, Lucy, am not good enough to go to this party.

Everyone will laugh at me. My mother showed me it's true because we're staying

home. "

>

> I said to her, " Lucy, we're going to talk to that scary part in you. Ready?

'Hey, scary part, get lost! You're boring and dumb and you're not invited.

Buh-bye!'   And Lucy, if it comes back, keep telling it 'so what? so what? I'm

going to have a great time tonight! Woo hoo! Get lost and watch me boogie

down!!' "

>

> Finally got her to go and we had a blast. She didn't want to leave.

>

> It was a good thing for both of us to work through. It felt like we BOTH

reached the top of a gnarly hill last night.

>

> I almost cried to see a dark part of the past with nada not peek its head into

my present. Not to say we won't deal with this again, but...it was just nice.

>

>

[Guest guest]

You're awesome Thanks for sharing!

I'm a homebody too--I like talking with people online best, but in person?

Big brakes on! But I'll make myself go anyway since I already made a

promise to people, and I end up having fun, too.

I like your technique for scaring off whatever fear is holding us back.

On Sat, Nov 19, 2011 at 5:33 AM, Fiona wrote:

> **

>

>

> Well, last night, my young daughter's school (my daughter is 7--I'll call

> her Lucy) had an event and Lucy and I had planned on going. Lucy is kind

> of like me, a homebody. Plus, she gets nervous at big events with a lot of

> people (also an issue I tend to struggle with). She prefers play dates and

> going to movies, stuff like that.

>

> As we came home from work/school, I said out loud, " Wouldn't it be nice to

> stay home and put our feet up? " Lucy seized on that and decided she didn't

> want to go to the school event. She cried, she begged, she whined, she

> began to get changed into her home clothes.

>

> I felt so guilty. I felt like nada. That was something my mother would

> CONSTANTLY do because SHE was afraid of seeing other people and

> socializing. Her fear of what people would say about her or how SHE would

> interpret their looks, their words, their everything, to mean they didn't

> like her affected my life completely. Her issues limited not only her, but

> all of us in the family. It was like she was a nail in a bicycle tire. That

> was that.

>

> I still can't believe I blurted that out to Lucy, just like nada would

> have, except I truly was looking forward to going, I like events with food!

> (I *think* I wanted to go...maybe subconsciously I didn't...)

>

> I finally got out of Lucy the reason she didn't want to go (won't go into

> it here; not relevant). My mother (in her social anxiety paralysis) would

> have agreed with me and said, " Oh, Fiona, you're right; let's just stay

> home and watch tv. " (And truly, I would have, too, a few years ago. Being

> in therapy and wanting to change has helped me. I still struggle with this,

> but I pray it's less and less.)

>

> I would have given anything to stay home and watch an old movie, but I

> decided if I did, that fear that Lucy was nursing in her head would gain

> power, and it would become a " true " story she would return to again and

> again before any event she was afraid to go to: " I, Lucy, am not good

> enough to go to this party. Everyone will laugh at me. My mother showed me

> it's true because we're staying home. "

>

> I said to her, " Lucy, we're going to talk to that scary part in you.

> Ready? 'Hey, scary part, get lost! You're boring and dumb and you're not

> invited. Buh-bye!' And Lucy, if it comes back, keep telling it 'so what?

> so what? I'm going to have a great time tonight! Woo hoo! Get lost and

> watch me boogie down!!' "

>

> Finally got her to go and we had a blast. She didn't want to leave.

>

> It was a good thing for both of us to work through. It felt like we BOTH

> reached the top of a gnarly hill last night.

>

> I almost cried to see a dark part of the past with nada not peek its head

> into my present. Not to say we won't deal with this again, but...it was

> just nice.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona, you are an AWESOME mom!! That took so much courage, selflessness and

compassion on your part, I am so in admiration of you and your understanding of

your own self and your insight on what was very likely happening in your

daughter's head. I am

blown away by your victory here.

Major kudos to you, dear!

-Annie

>

> Well, last night, my young daughter's school (my daughter is 7--I'll call her

Lucy) had an event and Lucy and I had planned on going. Lucy is kind of like

me, a homebody. Plus, she gets nervous at big events with a lot of people (also

an issue I tend to struggle with). She prefers play dates and going to movies,

stuff like that.

>

> As we came home from work/school, I said out loud, " Wouldn't it be nice to

stay home and put our feet up? " Lucy seized on that and decided she didn't want

to go to the school event. She cried, she begged, she whined, she began to get

changed into her home clothes.

>

> I felt so guilty. I felt like nada. That was something my mother would

CONSTANTLY do because SHE was afraid of seeing other people and socializing.

Her fear of what people would say about her or how SHE would interpret their

looks, their words, their everything, to mean they didn't like her affected my

life completely. Her issues limited not only her, but all of us in the family.

It was like she was a nail in a bicycle tire. That was that.

>

> I still can't believe I blurted that out to Lucy, just like nada would have,

except I truly was looking forward to going, I like events with food! (I *think*

I wanted to go...maybe subconsciously I didn't...)

>

> I finally got out of Lucy the reason she didn't want to go (won't go into it

here; not relevant). My mother (in her social anxiety paralysis) would have

agreed with me and said, " Oh, Fiona, you're right; let's just stay home and

watch tv. " (And truly, I would have, too, a few years ago. Being in therapy and

wanting to change has helped me. I still struggle with this, but I pray it's

less and less.)

>

> I would have given anything to stay home and watch an old movie, but I decided

if I did, that fear that Lucy was nursing in her head would gain power, and it

would become a " true " story she would return to again and again before any event

she was afraid to go to: " I, Lucy, am not good enough to go to this party.

Everyone will laugh at me. My mother showed me it's true because we're staying

home. "

>

> I said to her, " Lucy, we're going to talk to that scary part in you. Ready?

'Hey, scary part, get lost! You're boring and dumb and you're not invited.

Buh-bye!'   And Lucy, if it comes back, keep telling it 'so what? so what? I'm

going to have a great time tonight! Woo hoo! Get lost and watch me boogie

down!!' "

>

> Finally got her to go and we had a blast. She didn't want to leave.

>

> It was a good thing for both of us to work through. It felt like we BOTH

reached the top of a gnarly hill last night.

>

> I almost cried to see a dark part of the past with nada not peek its head into

my present. Not to say we won't deal with this again, but...it was just nice.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, I am so glad for you and for your daughter.

Isn't it amazing how EASY is really is to be there for our kids? Even with the

baggage of our childhoods to deal with--once you look at what the child really

needs the decision to either reinforce her fears or help her overcome them is

already made. And the bonus is we are slaying our own dragons when we do this

work with them.

You are a TERRIFIC mom, Fiona, you truly are! Remember that next time she's

talking up so-and-so's mom, ok?

>

> Well, last night, my young daughter's school (my daughter is 7--I'll call her

Lucy) had an event and Lucy and I had planned on going. Lucy is kind of like

me, a homebody. Plus, she gets nervous at big events with a lot of people (also

an issue I tend to struggle with). She prefers play dates and going to movies,

stuff like that.

>

> As we came home from work/school, I said out loud, " Wouldn't it be nice to

stay home and put our feet up? " Lucy seized on that and decided she didn't want

to go to the school event. She cried, she begged, she whined, she began to get

changed into her home clothes.

>

> I felt so guilty. I felt like nada. That was something my mother would

CONSTANTLY do because SHE was afraid of seeing other people and socializing.

Her fear of what people would say about her or how SHE would interpret their

looks, their words, their everything, to mean they didn't like her affected my

life completely. Her issues limited not only her, but all of us in the family.

It was like she was a nail in a bicycle tire. That was that.

>

> I still can't believe I blurted that out to Lucy, just like nada would have,

except I truly was looking forward to going, I like events with food! (I *think*

I wanted to go...maybe subconsciously I didn't...)

>

> I finally got out of Lucy the reason she didn't want to go (won't go into it

here; not relevant). My mother (in her social anxiety paralysis) would have

agreed with me and said, " Oh, Fiona, you're right; let's just stay home and

watch tv. " (And truly, I would have, too, a few years ago. Being in therapy and

wanting to change has helped me. I still struggle with this, but I pray it's

less and less.)

>

> I would have given anything to stay home and watch an old movie, but I decided

if I did, that fear that Lucy was nursing in her head would gain power, and it

would become a " true " story she would return to again and again before any event

she was afraid to go to: " I, Lucy, am not good enough to go to this party.

Everyone will laugh at me. My mother showed me it's true because we're staying

home. "

>

> I said to her, " Lucy, we're going to talk to that scary part in you. Ready?

'Hey, scary part, get lost! You're boring and dumb and you're not invited.

Buh-bye!'   And Lucy, if it comes back, keep telling it 'so what? so what? I'm

going to have a great time tonight! Woo hoo! Get lost and watch me boogie

down!!' "

>

> Finally got her to go and we had a blast. She didn't want to leave.

>

> It was a good thing for both of us to work through. It felt like we BOTH

reached the top of a gnarly hill last night.

>

> I almost cried to see a dark part of the past with nada not peek its head into

my present. Not to say we won't deal with this again, but...it was just nice.

>

>

[Guest guest]

thanks, everyone! it feels so nice to share that good moment with you. I share

enough of the bad ones, you deserve to hear an occasional happy one!

ha ha, you're right Echo!! I do need to remember that moment when my older one

is telling me about the other " cooler " moms!! lol AND you're also right that

helping my little one through her weak time helped me, too.

> >

> > Well, last night, my young daughter's school (my daughter is 7--I'll call

her Lucy) had an event and Lucy and I had planned on going. Lucy is kind of

like me, a homebody. Plus, she gets nervous at big events with a lot of people

(also an issue I tend to struggle with). She prefers play dates and going to

movies, stuff like that.

> >

> > As we came home from work/school, I said out loud, " Wouldn't it be nice to

stay home and put our feet up? " Lucy seized on that and decided she didn't want

to go to the school event. She cried, she begged, she whined, she began to get

changed into her home clothes.

> >

> > I felt so guilty. I felt like nada. That was something my mother would

CONSTANTLY do because SHE was afraid of seeing other people and socializing.

Her fear of what people would say about her or how SHE would interpret their

looks, their words, their everything, to mean they didn't like her affected my

life completely. Her issues limited not only her, but all of us in the family.

It was like she was a nail in a bicycle tire. That was that.

> >

> > I still can't believe I blurted that out to Lucy, just like nada would have,

except I truly was looking forward to going, I like events with food! (I *think*

I wanted to go...maybe subconsciously I didn't...)

> >

> > I finally got out of Lucy the reason she didn't want to go (won't go into it

here; not relevant). My mother (in her social anxiety paralysis) would have

agreed with me and said, " Oh, Fiona, you're right; let's just stay home and

watch tv. " (And truly, I would have, too, a few years ago. Being in therapy and

wanting to change has helped me. I still struggle with this, but I pray it's

less and less.)

> >

> > I would have given anything to stay home and watch an old movie, but I

decided if I did, that fear that Lucy was nursing in her head would gain power,

and it would become a " true " story she would return to again and again before

any event she was afraid to go to: " I, Lucy, am not good enough to go to this

party. Everyone will laugh at me. My mother showed me it's true because we're

staying home. "

> >

> > I said to her, " Lucy, we're going to talk to that scary part in you. Ready?

'Hey, scary part, get lost! You're boring and dumb and you're not invited.

Buh-bye!'   And Lucy, if it comes back, keep telling it 'so what? so what? I'm

going to have a great time tonight! Woo hoo! Get lost and watch me boogie

down!!' "

> >

> > Finally got her to go and we had a blast. She didn't want to leave.

> >

> > It was a good thing for both of us to work through. It felt like we BOTH

reached the top of a gnarly hill last night.

> >

> > I almost cried to see a dark part of the past with nada not peek its head

into my present. Not to say we won't deal with this again, but...it was just

nice.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Fiona ROCKS!!!!!

I'm not much of a homebody, but I hate going out in the DARK!!!! Seriously,

all winter I stay home in the evenings. Is that weird?

I'm going to try this on myself. Another thing I do is I try to leave the

house while it is still light and then trick myself into staying outdoors.

> **

>

>

> thanks, everyone! it feels so nice to share that good moment with you. I

> share enough of the bad ones, you deserve to hear an occasional happy one!

>

>

> ha ha, you're right Echo!! I do need to remember that moment when my older

> one is telling me about the other " cooler " moms!! lol AND you're also right

> that helping my little one through her weak time helped me, too.

>

>

> > >

> > > Well, last night, my young daughter's school (my daughter is 7--I'll

> call her Lucy) had an event and Lucy and I had planned on going. Lucy is

> kind of like me, a homebody. Plus, she gets nervous at big events with a

> lot of people (also an issue I tend to struggle with). She prefers play

> dates and going to movies, stuff like that.

> > >

> > > As we came home from work/school, I said out loud, " Wouldn't it be

> nice to stay home and put our feet up? " Lucy seized on that and decided

> she didn't want to go to the school event. She cried, she begged, she

> whined, she began to get changed into her home clothes.

> > >

> > > I felt so guilty. I felt like nada. That was something my mother would

> CONSTANTLY do because SHE was afraid of seeing other people and

> socializing. Her fear of what people would say about her or how SHE would

> interpret their looks, their words, their everything, to mean they didn't

> like her affected my life completely. Her issues limited not only her, but

> all of us in the family. It was like she was a nail in a bicycle tire. That

> was that.

> > >

> > > I still can't believe I blurted that out to Lucy, just like nada would

> have, except I truly was looking forward to going, I like events with food!

> (I *think* I wanted to go...maybe subconsciously I didn't...)

> > >

> > > I finally got out of Lucy the reason she didn't want to go (won't go

> into it here; not relevant). My mother (in her social anxiety paralysis)

> would have agreed with me and said, " Oh, Fiona, you're right; let's just

> stay home and watch tv. " (And truly, I would have, too, a few years ago.

> Being in therapy and wanting to change has helped me. I still struggle with

> this, but I pray it's less and less.)

> > >

> > > I would have given anything to stay home and watch an old movie, but I

> decided if I did, that fear that Lucy was nursing in her head would gain

> power, and it would become a " true " story she would return to again and

> again before any event she was afraid to go to: " I, Lucy, am not good

> enough to go to this party. Everyone will laugh at me. My mother showed me

> it's true because we're staying home. "

> > >

> > > I said to her, " Lucy, we're going to talk to that scary part in you.

> Ready? 'Hey, scary part, get lost! You're boring and dumb and you're not

> invited. Buh-bye!' And Lucy, if it comes back, keep telling it 'so what?

> so what? I'm going to have a great time tonight! Woo hoo! Get lost and

> watch me boogie down!!' "

> > >

> > > Finally got her to go and we had a blast. She didn't want to leave.

> > >

> > > It was a good thing for both of us to work through. It felt like we

> BOTH reached the top of a gnarly hill last night.

> > >

> > > I almost cried to see a dark part of the past with nada not peek its

> head into my present. Not to say we won't deal with this again, but...it

> was just nice.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I dont think that's weird at all (that you don't like going out in the dark). I

hate driving in the dark.

" Another thing I do is I try to leave the house while it is still light and then

trick myself into staying outdoors. "

That's a great trick! It's a good way to gradually get used to the dark, I'm

sure.

I play a lot of mind games with myself to help me through difficult spots. If

it works, then it works!

>

> Fiona ROCKS!!!!!

>

> I'm not much of a homebody, but I hate going out in the DARK!!!! Seriously,

> all winter I stay home in the evenings. Is that weird?

>

> I'm going to try this on myself. Another thing I do is I try to leave the

> house while it is still light and then trick myself into staying outdoors.

>