Guest guest Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 At the " Psychology Today " site where Randi Kreger, the owner of this Group, is a contributing author/blogger, a comment was posted to one of Randi's articles by a reader (inappropriately calling herself " StupidGirl " ) regarding the issues of compassion and self-preservation. I thought it was very insightful and wanted to share it here: ***** " There's a strange thing about compassion: You also need to have it for yourself. (Another poster) finally found some for herself. When it comes down to either (saving) yourself or the other person, and you can only save one, whom should you choose? Really, that is an illusion (the concept that we have the power to save our parent(s) from their own insanity) because many many many of us have been pulling and straining to " save " our BP (person with bpd) for years and years, and after all that the person is still sick, still unhealthy, still miserably unhappy and is still blaming us! So you *can't* save the BP. Does that mean sticking around until your own life is long past ruined, too? 'Cause that is where many of us KO's are at. If you don't get this you are not (a KO.) " ***** (For the new folks, " KO " means " adult Kid Of a borderline pd parent " .) So, for me, this is a succinct way of expressing the concept that it is not our responsibility to attempt to rescue a parent with bpd. We can feel pity for them, and we can give them emotional support, and we can feel compassion for them WITHOUT also feeling responsible for rescuing them or making them feel better by walking on eggshells around them all the time. It is not possible to save someone else from their own self. The person with bpd is the only person who has the power to save their own self, but they have to want to work on themselves. That means they have to admit and accept that they have something called a personality disorder that affects their thinking, feelings, perceptions and behaviors. They have to recognize and accept personal responsibility for their behaviors: accept that their acting-out or acting-in behaviors, their projecting and blaming behaviors, their manipulative behaviors are negative, counter-productive, hurtful, and do damage to others and to themselves. They have to voluntarily seek help, and then stay in therapy even though it is about as much fun as having a root-canal. Its important for us KOs to realize that when we keep rescuing our bpd parents we are actually enabling them to continue being negative and destructive. By not setting personal boundaries with them and not following through with consequences for their bad behaviors, we are encouraging them to continue to mistreat us. So, I hope that will help those members who are feeling misplaced guilt and inappropriate responsibility for their bpd parents' *feelings.* Have compassion for your person with bpd, but also have compassion for yourself. -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Annie,  That was an insightful read. I had someone tell me something very similar to this  *Its important for us KOs to realize that when we keep rescuing our bpd parents we are actually enabling them to continue being negative and destructive. By not setting personal boundaries with them and not following through with consequences for their bad behaviors, we are encouraging them to continue to mistreat us. * The person went on to tell me that I was actually standing in the way of Nada's healing.  I think, for me, It gets when I try to figure out where compassion begins and crossing the line over to enabling, allowing, being the whipping boy. I feel like I have been in a place that is so incredibly unhealthy (I'll post some day about my part in my relationship with Nada....it just sounds so crazy....I need to figure out how to put it into words)...I have gone GREAT lengths to make sure she was happy and feeling good about herself and my expense. She has no idea beacause it's her norm. My Dad allowed all of it because he wanted to keep the peace. Walking on Eggshells is exactly what we did and then some.....  I love this article....I had a T tell me to be " gentle with yourself "  I have read it here too. I agree.  Thank You-- Louise ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, November 21, 2011 12:16 PM Subject: A post about compassion  At the " Psychology Today " site where Randi Kreger, the owner of this Group, is a contributing author/blogger, a comment was posted to one of Randi's articles by a reader (inappropriately calling herself " StupidGirl " ) regarding the issues of compassion and self-preservation. I thought it was very insightful and wanted to share it here: ***** " There's a strange thing about compassion: You also need to have it for yourself. (Another poster) finally found some for herself. When it comes down to either (saving) yourself or the other person, and you can only save one, whom should you choose? Really, that is an illusion (the concept that we have the power to save our parent(s) from their own insanity) because many many many of us have been pulling and straining to " save " our BP (person with bpd) for years and years, and after all that the person is still sick, still unhealthy, still miserably unhappy and is still blaming us! So you *can't* save the BP. Does that mean sticking around until your own life is long past ruined, too? 'Cause that is where many of us KO's are at. If you don't get this you are not (a KO.) " ***** (For the new folks, " KO " means " adult Kid Of a borderline pd parent " .) So, for me, this is a succinct way of expressing the concept that it is not our responsibility to attempt to rescue a parent with bpd. We can feel pity for them, and we can give them emotional support, and we can feel compassion for them WITHOUT also feeling responsible for rescuing them or making them feel better by walking on eggshells around them all the time. It is not possible to save someone else from their own self. The person with bpd is the only person who has the power to save their own self, but they have to want to work on themselves. That means they have to admit and accept that they have something called a personality disorder that affects their thinking, feelings, perceptions and behaviors. They have to recognize and accept personal responsibility for their behaviors: accept that their acting-out or acting-in behaviors, their projecting and blaming behaviors, their manipulative behaviors are negative, counter-productive, hurtful, and do damage to others and to themselves. They have to voluntarily seek help, and then stay in therapy even though it is about as much fun as having a root-canal. Its important for us KOs to realize that when we keep rescuing our bpd parents we are actually enabling them to continue being negative and destructive. By not setting personal boundaries with them and not following through with consequences for their bad behaviors, we are encouraging them to continue to mistreat us. So, I hope that will help those members who are feeling misplaced guilt and inappropriate responsibility for their bpd parents' *feelings.* Have compassion for your person with bpd, but also have compassion for yourself. -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Annie, Well said. I would add to your insight, that while we KO s who have healed and grown have discovered that we cannot save a BP, the fact is that the FOG ( Fear Obligation Guilt) with which we were manipulated convinces us that it is our duty. Never mind that is is demonstrably impossible, our only purpose in life ( from what our Nada s taught us) is to perform that Mission Impossible. When we inevitably fail, we feel that much more of a failure. Nada, of course, will reinforce that feeling, because our failure to save her makes it that much less her responsibility. Further, we end up with a distorted view of compassion. Compassion, as noted by our Nada s, is pitying her, and rescuing her again and again. Compassion, in fact, is sympathy and empathy for the suffering of another. We may indeed feel these things for a BP. But to act upon our compassion is an act of enabling. We let them do the same thing, over and over, and expect a different result. Hence, we enable their madness. After some time, we have so often felt compassion, or indeed, had Nada insist upon our compassion, that compassion becomes linked with anger and resentment. We know that our efforts to relieve the pain caused by Nada s actions will not be appreciated, nor will it be effective. We resent that we are expected to show compassion, and not permitted to let it be a natural part of our character. Forced love, or compassion, sours the emotion that is dragged from us. Besides, whatever we do, it will not be enough, Nada will demand more than we feel capable of or willing to give, and she will not appreciate what we did, or how we did it. We end up in the awful trap of wishing to feel love and compassion for our mother, which we sense would be a normal circumstance, but being angry or resentful of that very impulse because of a lifetime of negative results and reactions from Nada. Sometimes, true compassion says, I will let you suffer the results of your own actions. There are limits to compassion. If I starve myself while trying to feed hungry people, then when I die they will still be hungry. I must have the compassion , self caring, and good sense to feed myself first. It is the same with the emotional vacuum cleaner that is our Nada. The one thing I can successfully do is permit myself to become emotionally healthy, happy, and balanced. If nada ever chooses to heal, there will then be at least one sane person in her world. And, much to our suprise, we come to find that WE are in fact deserving of our own compassion, and self care. We deserve the work, and love, and support it takes for us to heal from being raised by a BP parent. It is ok for us to be happy, and loving, and loved. It is very, very sad that our parent lives in the maelstrom of BPD. But we do not have to keep them company there. May we all heal. Doug > > At the " Psychology Today " site where Randi Kreger, the owner of this Group, is a contributing author/blogger, a comment was posted to one of Randi's articles by a reader (inappropriately calling herself " StupidGirl " ) regarding the issues of compassion and self-preservation. I thought it was very insightful and wanted to share it here: > > ***** > " There's a strange thing about compassion: You also need to have it for yourself. (Another poster) finally found some for herself. > > When it comes down to either (saving) yourself or the other person, and you can only save one, whom should you choose? > > Really, that is an illusion (the concept that we have the power to save our parent(s) from their own insanity) because many many many of us have been pulling and straining to " save " our BP (person with bpd) for years and years, and after all that the person is still sick, still unhealthy, still miserably unhappy and is still blaming us! > > So you *can't* save the BP. > > Does that mean sticking around until your own life is long past ruined, too? 'Cause that is where many of us KO's are at. If you don't get this you are not (a KO.) " > ***** > > (For the new folks, " KO " means " adult Kid Of a borderline pd parent " .) > > So, for me, this is a succinct way of expressing the concept that it is not our responsibility to attempt to rescue a parent with bpd. We can feel pity for them, and we can give them emotional support, and we can feel compassion for them WITHOUT also feeling responsible for rescuing them or making them feel better by walking on eggshells around them all the time. > > It is not possible to save someone else from their own self. > > The person with bpd is the only person who has the power to save their own self, but they have to want to work on themselves. > > That means they have to admit and accept that they have something called a personality disorder that affects their thinking, feelings, perceptions and behaviors. They have to recognize and accept personal responsibility for their behaviors: accept that their acting-out or acting-in behaviors, their projecting and blaming behaviors, their manipulative behaviors are negative, counter-productive, hurtful, and do damage to others and to themselves. > > They have to voluntarily seek help, and then stay in therapy even though it is about as much fun as having a root-canal. > > Its important for us KOs to realize that when we keep rescuing our bpd parents we are actually enabling them to continue being negative and destructive. By not setting personal boundaries with them and not following through with consequences for their bad behaviors, we are encouraging them to continue to mistreat us. > > So, I hope that will help those members who are feeling misplaced guilt and inappropriate responsibility for their bpd parents' *feelings.* Have compassion for your person with bpd, but also have compassion for yourself. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Annie I like this especially remeber to have compassion for yourself. I think you can also have compassion for somebody but step away. That's what I had to do, there was no other way for me, nada was a sinking ship, nobody wanted to be with her and nobody could get through to her she was the problem. Anyone who did got shunned away and she just kept moving on group to group and the crazier the group the longer she stayed got manipulated as well as manipulated them. The BP can only save themselves and make a decision to change. More later profl laf ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, November 21, 2011 1:16 PM Subject: A post about compassion  At the " Psychology Today " site where Randi Kreger, the owner of this Group, is a contributing author/blogger, a comment was posted to one of Randi's articles by a reader (inappropriately calling herself " StupidGirl " ) regarding the issues of compassion and self-preservation. I thought it was very insightful and wanted to share it here: ***** " There's a strange thing about compassion: You also need to have it for yourself. (Another poster) finally found some for herself. When it comes down to either (saving) yourself or the other person, and you can only save one, whom should you choose? Really, that is an illusion (the concept that we have the power to save our parent(s) from their own insanity) because many many many of us have been pulling and straining to " save " our BP (person with bpd) for years and years, and after all that the person is still sick, still unhealthy, still miserably unhappy and is still blaming us! So you *can't* save the BP. Does that mean sticking around until your own life is long past ruined, too? 'Cause that is where many of us KO's are at. If you don't get this you are not (a KO.) " ***** (For the new folks, " KO " means " adult Kid Of a borderline pd parent " .) So, for me, this is a succinct way of expressing the concept that it is not our responsibility to attempt to rescue a parent with bpd. We can feel pity for them, and we can give them emotional support, and we can feel compassion for them WITHOUT also feeling responsible for rescuing them or making them feel better by walking on eggshells around them all the time. It is not possible to save someone else from their own self. The person with bpd is the only person who has the power to save their own self, but they have to want to work on themselves. That means they have to admit and accept that they have something called a personality disorder that affects their thinking, feelings, perceptions and behaviors. They have to recognize and accept personal responsibility for their behaviors: accept that their acting-out or acting-in behaviors, their projecting and blaming behaviors, their manipulative behaviors are negative, counter-productive, hurtful, and do damage to others and to themselves. They have to voluntarily seek help, and then stay in therapy even though it is about as much fun as having a root-canal. Its important for us KOs to realize that when we keep rescuing our bpd parents we are actually enabling them to continue being negative and destructive. By not setting personal boundaries with them and not following through with consequences for their bad behaviors, we are encouraging them to continue to mistreat us. So, I hope that will help those members who are feeling misplaced guilt and inappropriate responsibility for their bpd parents' *feelings.* Have compassion for your person with bpd, but also have compassion for yourself. -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 and i would add my voice of agreement here, annie and doug. Â indeed, well said. Â love to all, ann Subject: Re: A post about compassion To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Tuesday, November 22, 2011, 2:31 PM Â Annie, Well said. I would add to your insight, that while we KO s who have healed and grown have discovered that we cannot save a BP, the fact is that the FOG ( Fear Obligation Guilt) with which we were manipulated convinces us that it is our duty. Never mind that is is demonstrably impossible, our only purpose in life ( from what our Nada s taught us) is to perform that Mission Impossible. When we inevitably fail, we feel that much more of a failure. Nada, of course, will reinforce that feeling, because our failure to save her makes it that much less her responsibility. Further, we end up with a distorted view of compassion. Compassion, as noted by our Nada s, is pitying her, and rescuing her again and again. Compassion, in fact, is sympathy and empathy for the suffering of another. We may indeed feel these things for a BP. But to act upon our compassion is an act of enabling. We let them do the same thing, over and over, and expect a different result. Hence, we enable their madness. After some time, we have so often felt compassion, or indeed, had Nada insist upon our compassion, that compassion becomes linked with anger and resentment. We know that our efforts to relieve the pain caused by Nada s actions will not be appreciated, nor will it be effective. We resent that we are expected to show compassion, and not permitted to let it be a natural part of our character. Forced love, or compassion, sours the emotion that is dragged from us. Besides, whatever we do, it will not be enough, Nada will demand more than we feel capable of or willing to give, and she will not appreciate what we did, or how we did it. We end up in the awful trap of wishing to feel love and compassion for our mother, which we sense would be a normal circumstance, but being angry or resentful of that very impulse because of a lifetime of negative results and reactions from Nada. Sometimes, true compassion says, I will let you suffer the results of your own actions. There are limits to compassion. If I starve myself while trying to feed hungry people, then when I die they will still be hungry. I must have the compassion , self caring, and good sense to feed myself first. It is the same with the emotional vacuum cleaner that is our Nada. The one thing I can successfully do is permit myself to become emotionally healthy, happy, and balanced. If nada ever chooses to heal, there will then be at least one sane person in her world. And, much to our suprise, we come to find that WE are in fact deserving of our own compassion, and self care. We deserve the work, and love, and support it takes for us to heal from being raised by a BP parent. It is ok for us to be happy, and loving, and loved. It is very, very sad that our parent lives in the maelstrom of BPD. But we do not have to keep them company there. May we all heal. Doug > > At the " Psychology Today " site where Randi Kreger, the owner of this Group, is a contributing author/blogger, a comment was posted to one of Randi's articles by a reader (inappropriately calling herself " StupidGirl " ) regarding the issues of compassion and self-preservation. I thought it was very insightful and wanted to share it here: > > ***** > " There's a strange thing about compassion: You also need to have it for yourself. (Another poster) finally found some for herself. > > When it comes down to either (saving) yourself or the other person, and you can only save one, whom should you choose? > > Really, that is an illusion (the concept that we have the power to save our parent(s) from their own insanity) because many many many of us have been pulling and straining to " save " our BP (person with bpd) for years and years, and after all that the person is still sick, still unhealthy, still miserably unhappy and is still blaming us! > > So you *can't* save the BP. > > Does that mean sticking around until your own life is long past ruined, too? 'Cause that is where many of us KO's are at. If you don't get this you are not (a KO.) " > ***** > > (For the new folks, " KO " means " adult Kid Of a borderline pd parent " .) > > So, for me, this is a succinct way of expressing the concept that it is not our responsibility to attempt to rescue a parent with bpd. We can feel pity for them, and we can give them emotional support, and we can feel compassion for them WITHOUT also feeling responsible for rescuing them or making them feel better by walking on eggshells around them all the time. > > It is not possible to save someone else from their own self. > > The person with bpd is the only person who has the power to save their own self, but they have to want to work on themselves. > > That means they have to admit and accept that they have something called a personality disorder that affects their thinking, feelings, perceptions and behaviors. They have to recognize and accept personal responsibility for their behaviors: accept that their acting-out or acting-in behaviors, their projecting and blaming behaviors, their manipulative behaviors are negative, counter-productive, hurtful, and do damage to others and to themselves. > > They have to voluntarily seek help, and then stay in therapy even though it is about as much fun as having a root-canal. > > Its important for us KOs to realize that when we keep rescuing our bpd parents we are actually enabling them to continue being negative and destructive. By not setting personal boundaries with them and not following through with consequences for their bad behaviors, we are encouraging them to continue to mistreat us. > > So, I hope that will help those members who are feeling misplaced guilt and inappropriate responsibility for their bpd parents' *feelings.* Have compassion for your person with bpd, but also have compassion for yourself. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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