Hurtful comment disguised as care.

[Guest guest]

I am a 25 year old college graduate trying to find a job. On a daily basis, my

borderline father tells me how " terrified " he is for my future because he sees

borderline, depression, and ADD within me. I frequently hear him talk to my

mother saying that I will never make anything of myself, all the while

describing how lazy and ungrateful I am. Two years ago, when I was applying to

law school, all I heard was how wonderful and amazing I was. I feel utterly

betrayed by my father. Whenever I stick up for myself and try to explain that

the things he says about me are not true, he claims he only says them because he

loves me and wants to see me succeed. I am beginning to feel that for my own

stability, I need to cut ties with my father but it is not something I want to

do. I love him dearly and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to

proceed. Has anyone dealt with hurtful comments being explained away by " love "

and if so, were you able to explain to your borderline parent just how hurtful

it was?

[Guest guest]

Welcome , this is a good place you'll find lots of people who relate

here. How has your father reacted in the past if you've ever told him his words

were hurtful towards you? That is likely what he'll do this time as well. He

wouldn't be saying those things towards you if he had properly working empathy

and awareness and it's unlikely your confronting him will cause him to develop

those qualities. BUT you can set a boundary of telling him you don't want to

hear that anymore and if he starts talking that way again hang up, change the

subject, leave, pull the fire alarm, etc. Your future is YOURS!

Eliza

>

> I am a 25 year old college graduate trying to find a job. On a daily basis, my

borderline father tells me how " terrified " he is for my future because he sees

borderline, depression, and ADD within me. I frequently hear him talk to my

mother saying that I will never make anything of myself, all the while

describing how lazy and ungrateful I am. Two years ago, when I was applying to

law school, all I heard was how wonderful and amazing I was. I feel utterly

betrayed by my father. Whenever I stick up for myself and try to explain that

the things he says about me are not true, he claims he only says them because he

loves me and wants to see me succeed. I am beginning to feel that for my own

stability, I need to cut ties with my father but it is not something I want to

do. I love him dearly and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to

proceed. Has anyone dealt with hurtful comments being explained away by " love "

and if so, were you able to explain to your borderline parent just how hurtful

it was?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi and welcome,

I have only recently joined the group, too, and I have read many insightful and

encouraging words on here. I have read stories I could relate to so well, after

all these years of thinking no one would understand what I was feeling. You are

in the right place. Now, in answer to your question, my experience with my BPD

mother has been that she says hurtful things under the guise of looking out for

my best interests, caring, etc. When called on it, she is offended and acts as

if she has been attacked. It has not been my experience that it opened her eyes

to her behavior or changed anything in a positive way. I have had to detach

emotionally (counseling, reading and being part of this group help with that)

and learn what I can share with her, expect from her and say to her. That is

the unfortunate, sad truth of the matter, as much as I hate it. My advice is to

say how you feel about his comments if it makes you feel better and helps your

healing, but not expect it to change his behavior or outlook. If saying things

to him in the past has caused you more heartache than it was worth, I would not

do that right now. Good luck with your journey toward coming to terms with all

this. I know it is not easy.

Lyn

>

> I am a 25 year old college graduate trying to find a job. On a daily basis, my

borderline father tells me how " terrified " he is for my future because he sees

borderline, depression, and ADD within me. I frequently hear him talk to my

mother saying that I will never make anything of myself, all the while

describing how lazy and ungrateful I am. Two years ago, when I was applying to

law school, all I heard was how wonderful and amazing I was. I feel utterly

betrayed by my father. Whenever I stick up for myself and try to explain that

the things he says about me are not true, he claims he only says them because he

loves me and wants to see me succeed. I am beginning to feel that for my own

stability, I need to cut ties with my father but it is not something I want to

do. I love him dearly and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to

proceed. Has anyone dealt with hurtful comments being explained away by " love "

and if so, were you able to explain to your borderline parent just how hurtful

it was?

>