At least now I know...

[Guest guest]

I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother has

BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my relationship

with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research online, I

discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of your stories

ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of confusion I finally

can understand why my relationship with my mother has been so hard. I was the

scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did everything my mother

asked, the good children.

Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the family

to find support and have ended up over the years in many good relationships with

my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how wonderful it can be to be

in a good relationship, it is something I have always wanted between my mother

and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours trying to gain my

mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to control my life,

things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the sphere of her

approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to only

talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have with

all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have worked so

hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her condition

that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about BPD, I

just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so hard to

help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked for her.

But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At this

point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be a

good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

[Guest guest]

Hello and welcome. It is a blessing and a curse to find this discussion group

and to come to this realization about your mother. Many people here discuss the

grief they feel when they discover the reason they have never been able to have

a normal relationship with their BPD parent and you will need to be patient with

yourself as you go through this grieving process. It is good that you have

recognized it. Like any other tragic loss, it gets better with time, but it can

spike up again throughout the years. No doubt, you will continue to search for

answers and hope that you might achieve a healthy relationship with your mother.

Many of us carry that hope.

Read all that you can about this disorder, know that you are not alone, feel

happy that you are clearly an optimistic and persistent person who tried to be

the best daughter you could be, and protect yourself and your family with what

you learn along the way.

ps - I have a box of pictures with either me, my Dad, or my husband

painstakingly cut out of family photographs...thank heavens my Mom is too old

for PhotoShop . You will find many painful and uncanny similarities in the

story lines we all share.

Tag

>

> I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother has

BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my relationship

with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research online, I

discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of your stories

ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of confusion I finally

can understand why my relationship with my mother has been so hard. I was the

scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did everything my mother

asked, the good children.

>

> Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the

family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how

wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I have always

wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours

trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to

control my life, things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the

sphere of her approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

>

> My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to only

talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

>

> After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have

with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have

worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her

condition that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about

BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so

hard to help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked

for her. But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At

this point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be

a good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

>

[Guest guest]

Darcy

Ouch. Yea, your story is ours. Welcome. You will find many of us here

who do understand and empathize with what you are dealing with. It is

sad. You d love to change her, but you can t. What you can do is

choose to heal.

I hope you do.

Indeed, May we all heal.

Doug

>

> I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my

mother has BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field

what my relationship with my mother has been like over the years. Upon

doing research online, I discovered this group and have been reading and

listening to all of your stories ever since. Your stories are my stories

and after years of confusion I finally can understand why my

relationship with my mother has been so hard. I was the scapegoat child

or the bad child. My siblings, who did everything my mother asked, the

good children.

>

> Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside

the family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know

how wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I

have always wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put

in countless hours trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As

long as I allowed her to control my life, things would be good between

us, but if I stepped out of the sphere of her approval, she would

attack, storm out of my house etc...

>

> My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing

to only talk about certain topics in order to try and have a

relationship. Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that

boundary by running those I care about into the ground. Just recently,

she cropped my son (who is now 23 and who she has not had a relationship

with since he was 17 when she quit talking to him) out a family picture

taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she told me I was being

dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as though my son

didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by cropping

him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods

and negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it

anymore. Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that

way could be potentially harming him because I continued to have a

relationship with someone that felt he was no good. After the photo

incident, I told my mother that I needed a huge break from her and told

her not to contact me.

>

> After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I

have with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile.

I have worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel

now, given her condition that it will never come to be which makes me

sad. Before knowing about BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to

win her approval. I have worked so hard to help her through so many

things and I wish something would have clicked for her. But it hasn't

and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At this point I

am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be a

good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what

makes this all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi and welcome,

I understand where you are, it has not been that long since I found out about

BPD and realized my mother fits it perfectly. It is definitely a grieving

process you go through when you realize that you will never have the kind of

relationship you have been working toward your whole life. No matter what you

do, you cannot make her change and that is a big loss. It is hard to wrap your

head around it at first. I have read a lot of supportive, well informed

messages on here and I hope that you can gain the same thing I have from this

group.

Lyn

>

> I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother has

BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my relationship

with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research online, I

discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of your stories

ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of confusion I finally

can understand why my relationship with my mother has been so hard. I was the

scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did everything my mother

asked, the good children.

>

> Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the

family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how

wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I have always

wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours

trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to

control my life, things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the

sphere of her approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

>

> My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to only

talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

>

> After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have

with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have

worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her

condition that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about

BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so

hard to help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked

for her. But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At

this point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be

a good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

>

[Guest guest]

Darcy,

I don't get to read posts as regularly as I would like, but I was reading today

and saw yours.

I am in my early 50's and it was in autumn 2008 when I saw Stop Walking on

Eggshells for the umpteenth time on my therapist's shelf. And picked it up and

looked at the checklist on the back and said yes to every question on the back

cover.

I too have good relationship with my husband and found so many good people

support me through in getting tools together to lead a good life, despite

frequently being painted black sheep by my nada. And having my dad tacitly

agree.

I wanted also to share with my nada, all the good things in my life, and have

them recognized by her. I live too far away to help her much, and have had to

make my relationship more and more superficial in order to create safety for

myself. Even long distance there has not been a lot of safety, because I would

stay on the line, trying to redeem the relationship.

I too had done a lot of healing, and in many ways I thought I could give back

what I was given. Once I realized it was BPD I was dealing with, I realized this

was a pattern I could not change in my nada. I did not cause it, can't control

it, can't cure it.

Grief is ahead of you. I have had to wade through that several times. Giving up

hope is not easy. But it is necessary for us to heal. I've found it does not

mean I stop caring. It means I stop accepting unacceptable behavior. I have

learned a whole lot about self-love and it is all good.

The grief, when faced, turns to joy. I am glad to be alive and I am glad to be

here witnessing others reclaiming their lives and living with authentic power.

I give my power away to my nada less and less and it brings me great joy. Joy.

Because I am slowly learning that nada can have her own hope, but she must claim

it for herself, and not through denigrating ME!

Best,

[Guest guest]

Darcy,

I am so, so proud of you for letting your mother know that cropping your son out

of pictures bothered you. I know how natural it has been for you (b/c it has

been for me and so many others here) to just " go with the flow " of mental

illness and abuse. My inner thought for years was " just do as they and

everything will go fine. " Your mother sounds like mine, esp when she was

younger. She was a witch. Now she's more waify/hermity. These days she knows

that if she brings the witch out, she won't see me for months and she has

learned to contain it. (I can completely relate to the " surface " relationship.

That's my mother and me.)

What your mother did was mean-spirited and reveals how sick she really is.

Whatever your son did was not deserving of her actions, which in a way, express

her wish that he'd never been born. She is sick.

The feelings you express are very much like so many of us here. I wonder if we

go through stages: first the fury and anger with our bpd parent that drives us

to find help; then the elation at finding this board or a book or a therapist

who validates the truth that it's not us, that there are others who share our

experience; then the acceptance of knowing our nada or fada will never ever be

who we'd hoped and will never love us unconditionally; and the grief of that;

and the moving on with our lives and realizing the full lives we were intended

to have.

I have to wonder as well about your thoughts about how your acceptance of your

mother's behavior, until now, has accepted your son. I think, even though he's

an adult, it would be a great time to talk with him about what you've learned

and your regrets and of your love for him. That part's never too late, imo.

Welcome to the group. I'm glad you're here.

Fiona

>

> I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother has

BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my relationship

with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research online, I

discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of your stories

ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of confusion I finally

can understand why my relationship with my mother has been so hard. I was the

scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did everything my mother

asked, the good children.

>

> Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the

family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how

wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I have always

wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours

trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to

control my life, things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the

sphere of her approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

>

> My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to only

talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

>

> After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have

with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have

worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her

condition that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about

BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so

hard to help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked

for her. But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At

this point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be

a good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, that took a lot of courage! Kudos to you for establishing personal

boundaries with your nada; that is so not easy to do.

The few times that my nada (aka my bpd/npd mother: " nada " is used here sometimes

as shorthand for " not a mom " or bpd mom) attempted to interfere somehow with my

Sister's son that Sister would be pushed past her limits/her boundaries and

would stand up to nada. Nada would remember for a while to respect Sister's

rights and authority as a parent, but nada's borderline black-and-white

thinking, her need to be in control of everything at all times, and/or her

narcissistic pd sense of entitlement would (apparently) override nada's common

sense or make nada feel justified in attempting to bully Sister regarding some

aspect of Sister's parenting, and Sister would have to rear up again and

re-establish her authority in areas concerning her child.

Our nada was mostly a Queen and Witch bpd when we were growing up, but after dad

died (Sister and I were adults, and Sister's boy was about 9 at the time) nada

gradually added Waify bpd behaviors to the mix.

For the new members, these designations that are often referred to here: " Queen,

Witch, Waif, and Hermit " , are sub-categories of bpd from the book " Understanding

The Borderline Mother " by Lawson.

Reading that book was... well, both very educational and very difficult for me

because it tapped into a deep well of emotional pain, anger and grief I was

carrying. It felt as though Lawson had been observing my childhood personally:

the examples she wrote about were so uncannily like my own experiences. I was

so emotionally affected by the chapters on the Queen and the Witch that I could

only read maybe a page or two at a time before feeling grief (and anger) set in,

and I needed time to cry and to process what I'd read. So, in a way, reading

that book was like having a breakthrough in therapy; it took some time because

it was painful, but the result was cathartic and healing.

And for those of you who are new I also recommend reading about and perhaps

trying the " Medium Chill " technique. Its a way of managing being around someone

with bpd (or other difficult people) with as little stress and drama as

possible.

You can find the short article on " Medium Chill " at post # 132289 (posted on

July 30th of this year.)

-Annie

> >

> > I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother

has BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my

relationship with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research

online, I discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of

your stories ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of

confusion I finally can understand why my relationship with my mother has been

so hard. I was the scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did

everything my mother asked, the good children.

> >

> > Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the

family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how

wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I have always

wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours

trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to

control my life, things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the

sphere of her approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

> >

> > My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to

only talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

> >

> > After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have

with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have

worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her

condition that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about

BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so

hard to help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked

for her. But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At

this point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be

a good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Darcy,

Welcome to the group, although I am very sorry you ever had to join it. I

figured out my situation a year ago September, and this last year has been a

year of grief, acceptance, and learning to finally let myself off the hook for

all the static between my mom and me.

Read all the literature you can find, especially Walking on Eggshells and

Understanding the Borderline Mother: it will set you free.

Echo

>

> I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother has

BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my relationship

with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research online, I

discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of your stories

ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of confusion I finally

can understand why my relationship with my mother has been so hard. I was the

scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did everything my mother

asked, the good children.

>

> Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the

family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how

wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I have always

wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours

trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to

control my life, things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the

sphere of her approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

>

> My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to only

talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

>

> After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have

with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have

worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her

condition that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about

BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so

hard to help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked

for her. But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At

this point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be

a good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

>

[Guest guest]

Darcy and Echo,

Hi. Welcome Darcy. I can so relate to your experiences. I feel your pain and

know you are not alone, we are a big group- unfortunately. I am also working my

way through my relationship with my nada. It is hard as she has been getting

worse since my father died a year ago. I think he did a lot to buffer between

nada and we kids/grandkids. My sisters are emeshed with her and don't seem to

see a problem. Sometimes they even team up together and I am odd man out. I have

come to see this and it is a releif, but painful. At least I now know I am not

crazy or that something is wrong with me. I am still figuring out how this all

fits for me as far as our relationship. It is very difficult and draining.

I agree with Echo's book recommendations and have read both, although I need to

reread them. So much to take in and I feel I realize new things on a daily

basis. Also, my MIL is BPD (my diagnosis)and unfortuantely not only the queen

and waif, but also sometimes the witch. Her behaviors have been like a cancer

that has inflicted a lot of damage to her family over the years, they are very

dysfuncitonal and fragmented. The wripples are countless.

I have to really work to stay rational and keep myself and my family emotionally

safe. Ladies your are in my thoughts and prayers.

> >

> > I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother

has BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my

relationship with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research

online, I discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of

your stories ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of

confusion I finally can understand why my relationship with my mother has been

so hard. I was the scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did

everything my mother asked, the good children.

> >

> > Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the

family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how

wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I have always

wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours

trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to

control my life, things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the

sphere of her approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

> >

> > My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to

only talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

> >

> > After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have

with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have

worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her

condition that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about

BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so

hard to help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked

for her. But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At

this point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be

a good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your responses and for welcoming me to the group!

I must say, I cried when I read many of your responses to me. It was a

confirmation of sorts that I wasn't making this all up. That I really did have a

difficult nada and that it was she that had the problems not me. For so many

years I have been told that I was the bad one by my family of origin that I

barely was able to see myself differently than their image of me.

I appreciate your book suggestions and will be sure to read " The Borderline

Mother " and " Walking on Eggshells " . Originally I thought I could figure things

out by just reading posts on this discussion board and other places online but I

can see that untangling myself from my nada will require digging deeper,

challenging myself to heal and let go.

Thanks for sharing your stories with me. It was especially helpful to hear that

many of you have struggled in similar ways yet are finding great coping methods

and ways to work through things. It makes me feel hopeful that I too will be

able to move on.

Thanks for telling me that feeling grief is a normal part of the process and

that many of you felt that way and sometimes still feel that way despite lots of

healing work. I am finding now that my grief upon discovering BDP has lessoned

somewhat and feel more anger that my nada never was willing to put any work into

healing herself, thus allowing her emotional abuse to continue for years and

years. Ugh! The damage she caused! The last several days have been filled with

images of past drama she created running through my head, reliving the whole

awful mess. I know these images will lessen as I move along in the process.

So thank you all for extending yourselves to me by responding to my post. I

appreciate your heartfelt words and hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Darcy

> > >

> > > I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother

has BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my

relationship with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research

online, I discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of

your stories ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of

confusion I finally can understand why my relationship with my mother has been

so hard. I was the scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did

everything my mother asked, the good children.

> > >

> > > Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the

family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how

wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I have always

wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours

trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to

control my life, things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the

sphere of her approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

> > >

> > > My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to

only talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

> > >

> > > After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have

with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have

worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her

condition that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about

BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so

hard to help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked

for her. But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At

this point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be

a good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Darcy - I am new here as well. Out of complete desperation tonight to find

something online to help me deal with the latest bout of poison from my mother.

I have often said those Hollywood actresses have nothing on me. I could win an

for the acting I have to do when dealing with her just to get by & then I

am the real me around everyone else. We have nothing more than a surface

relationship & most times, not even that. It does not take much to set her off &

then I deal with weeks or months of the silent treatment which is really nice at

the beginning, but then dreadful as time goes on because I know she it plotting

another big explosion. So the best of the " unknown " usually gets me down. I

hope we will be able to support & help one another.

> >

> > I am new to this group, having just figured out a week ago that my mother

has BPD after describing to a friend in the mental health field what my

relationship with my mother has been like over the years. Upon doing research

online, I discovered this group and have been reading and listening to all of

your stories ever since. Your stories are my stories and after years of

confusion I finally can understand why my relationship with my mother has been

so hard. I was the scapegoat child or the bad child. My siblings, who did

everything my mother asked, the good children.

> >

> > Because I was regarded as " bad " in my family, I tended to go outside the

family to find support and have ended up over the years in many good

relationships with my husband, kids and friends. It is because I know how

wonderful it can be to be in a good relationship, it is something I have always

wanted between my mother and myself. As a result, I have put in countless hours

trying to gain my mother's approval to no avail. As long as I allowed her to

control my life, things would be good between us, but if I stepped out of the

sphere of her approval, she would attack, storm out of my house etc...

> >

> > My mother and I have had a " surface " relationship for years, agreeing to

only talk about certain topics in order to try and have a relationship.

Unfortunately, my mother constantly steps over that boundary by running those I

care about into the ground. Just recently, she cropped my son (who is now 23 and

who she has not had a relationship with since he was 17 when she quit talking to

him) out a family picture taken when he was two. When I called her on it, she

told me I was being dramatic. I don't know...something about her acting as

though my son didn't exist by refusing to have a relationship with him and by

cropping him out of pictures was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have

just looked the other way for far too long, letting my mother's moods and

negativity impact my life and I just didn't feel I could continue it anymore.

Besides, I wondered if allowing my mother to treat my son that way could be

potentially harming him because I continued to have a relationship with someone

that felt he was no good. After the photo incident, I told my mother that I

needed a huge break from her and told her not to contact me.

> >

> > After visiting this discussion board, and seeing how much in common I have

with all of you, I feel a sadness that my mother fits this profile. I have

worked so hard to have a good relationship with her and I feel now, given her

condition that it will never come to be which makes me sad. Before knowing about

BPD, I just thought I had to work harder to win her approval. I have worked so

hard to help her through so many things and I wish something would have clicked

for her. But it hasn't and won't unless she decides to do something about it. At

this point I am left with grief. Grieving for a relationship that won't ever be

a good one. That she won't ever love me unconditionally. That is what makes this

all so hard. I love her despite all that has come between us.

> >

>