new to all of this

[Guest guest]

I just started therapy because my real personality finally festered it's way

out. my mom as far as I can tell is an undiagnosed bpd. either that or the

disorder does not exist (haha) I have come to the realization thanks to people

outside the family (and in) that my mom created a personality for me that was

convenient for her, and I believed her because well, she is my mom.

the short version is that I have ADD, an unresolved until very recently medical

issue involving UTI's (urinary tract infections)and incontinence, and I was

severely bullied by peers, adults and my siblings.

my mom says I am " sensitive " and over-react to everything and none of it exists,

or happened.well... the people she does not like are guilty of course.

she used to advise me to forgive,and be everyone's friend and it would all go

away.

so i tried. it didn't work.

because it didn't work she says I am " sensitive "

the physical issues were hard to ignore. she should have taken me to a doctor.

she did sometimes ask doctors about it. they were never qualified ones. and

nothing happened.

the problem is simple (albeit rare) and very treatable (yay!!!)

I have learned as an adult that my (much) older siblings tried to convince her

to get me help. but since a doctor told my mom I was just trying to get

attention (which she now conveniently claims she never believed) things were

hard for many years.

as for ADD (I guess they call it all ADHD now) my 4th grade teacher shoved the

paperwork down her throat to get me tested, and my mom dismissied the diagnosis

immediatly. (she has a hard time beliving in any non concrete medical issue) so

I failed and struggled for years before I found ways to compensate. some of my

teachers were very helpful.Apparently my Dad wanted to get me help. I learned

that this summer.

My bullies came in all shapes and sizes. her reaction is very selective, and

over it all their is a huge blanket of denial because my mom sees me as

" sensitive " so nothing I say happened was really that bad. if my mom likes the

person, they were not involved. if she does not like them, or they have ever

been rude to her, they did it, but I overreacted (whether I reacted at all) and

if it was someone in the family it never happened. and the hardest to

understand, if it is someone she does not like, but was part of my life they

were horrible to me.(which was often untrue) this was particularly hard with

rearguards to people who have been important to me.

I have known a long time that I was very uncomfortable around my family. the

last few years I have come to some realizations.

my " sensitivity " is not an issue in my (7year) marriage. one simple reason. when

people are not mean i don't " over-react. " my siblings have grown out of picking

on me. my mom has not. no one but my mom is surprised when I accomplish my

goals.

my mom is sneaky in her criticisms. they are hard to pick out sometimes. when I

would sing at a competition and not win she would do her best to " kindly " point

out that if I had not talked to the judge I would have won.

right now I am a mixture of angry and bitter. I have so many undealt with

feelings. I went through so much over the years and having my feelings

invalidated, and questioned made me believe that I was helpless, alone, and

trapped. and the worst part was she succeeded in convincing me that it was my

fault.

my relationship with her now consists of her telling me she is " so proud " over

the phone every week (their are lots of us, I think it would be more if she had

the time.) then questioning my decisions, or wondering out loud if I am in over

my head with my latest project.

when we get together she reminds me frequently to go to the bathroom. or says

things like " everyone has gone but you and we are about to leave. "

I have decided I have protected her feelings long enough. I know this will be

painful for her, but the status quo no longer works for me. I am ready to

believe in myself, and trust my husband, and others who believe in me instead of

her and the demons she projected on me all those years.