? re Siblings

[Guest guest]

Hello Fellow Board Members

I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email strands is

something I do to gain affirmation, strength and validation - I thank you all

for that!

My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings, do you struggle

with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel I have come a long way with

gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada, and then understanding how to respond to

her. Where I am getting " stuck " now, is with my emotional reaction to my

siblings - I get very angry and upset with their attachment and support of my

Nada and her horrible behaviour.

Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I planned to have brunch

with her parents and then go over to my family for dessert. Midway thru the

brunch, I get an angry VM from my Nada, telling me to " not bother to come over "

as it is obvious I cared more for my partner's family by having dinner with

them. This VM was nothing new and " more of the same " , so it did not really faze

me. What bothered me more is that I had several siblings that were there with my

Nada when this drama started, and they basically ignore the bad behaviour, by

not saying anything. Sitting here today typing this, I feel nothing towards my

Mom, but some resentment and anger towards a few of my siblings because of their

lack of a response towards her (and because I think a few of them should have

stuck up for me!!)

My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We have a large family,

and she is blatant about favoring all of her sons - they can do no wrong, and

are held to no expectations. Her daughters are the ones she verbally beats and

holds to a much different standard. I lost a sibling earlier in the year, got

myself into therapy with an incredible therapist, and I almost feel like all of

this has changed me in a way where I almost have no tolerance to the

dysfunction!!

I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have made progress with

how I view my Nada and deal with her, I perhaps feel my siblings should have

done the same? And this is probably very unfair of me. I also realize that my

reactions to my siblings could just be me transferring my anger and frustration

to my Nada, right to each of them. And that ultimately expecting others to

change is not realistic and is probably my way of trying to control them & the

situation.

Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks again for the

opportunity to share in such a supportive environment!

[Guest guest]

Welcome mam. I think its pretty common for personality-disordered parents to

show blatant favoritism and preferences for one of their children over another,

due to the borderline pd traits of projecting and of black-and-white thinking.

Many posters here mention that in their family of origin, their bpd mother or

father singled out one of the children as the all-good " golden child " , and

another of their children as the family " scapegoat " or all-bad child.

The all-bad, scapegoat child is sometimes the unwitting glue that binds the

dysfunctional family together; is convenient to have a scapegoat to blame for

all the problems the family is facing, instead of addressing the real issue of a

parent (or another sibling) with screaming personality disorder.

Sometimes there is also a " forgotten " or " invisible " child among the siblings.

Sometimes when there is only one child, that only child will be switched back

and forth from " all bad " to " all good " depending on the bpd parent's mood. In

my foo (family of origin) I was mostly the golden child, and my younger Sister

was mostly the scapegoat, although we each spent time in the other " corner " from

time to time.

A parent with personality disorder appears to be unable to relate to his or her

children as the individual, separate, unique individuals each one is. Instead

the children of the personality disordered are assigned roles to play.

Assigning a child an artificial role is a very abusive thing to do and can

derail the child's own normal individuation process and emotional development.

This unhealthy favoritism can cause the siblings to feel jealous of each other

and to compete with each other for the parent's love and attention; what a power

move on the part of the parent, to keep her children jealous and suspicious of

each other and battling with each other for points in mom's favor.

Your siblings are in favor with your bpd mom and don't want to rock the boat.

Its sad, but sometimes this is a permanent thing. Sometimes after reaching

adulthood siblings can reconcile with each other, but in some cases the

dysfunctional rivalry and enmeshment with the bpd parent is too entrenched. Or,

one or more of the siblings has personality disorder as well, which does not

bode well for the possibility of reconciliation.

But, yes, you've found a place where your fellow KOs, the adult kids of bpd

parents, understand the unhealthy family dynamics you are experiencing, very

well.

-Annie

>

> Hello Fellow Board Members

>

> I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email strands is

something I do to gain affirmation, strength and validation - I thank you all

for that!

>

> My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings, do you struggle

with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel I have come a long way with

gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada, and then understanding how to respond to

her. Where I am getting " stuck " now, is with my emotional reaction to my

siblings - I get very angry and upset with their attachment and support of my

Nada and her horrible behaviour.

>

> Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I planned to have

brunch with her parents and then go over to my family for dessert. Midway thru

the brunch, I get an angry VM from my Nada, telling me to " not bother to come

over " as it is obvious I cared more for my partner's family by having dinner

with them. This VM was nothing new and " more of the same " , so it did not really

faze me. What bothered me more is that I had several siblings that were there

with my Nada when this drama started, and they basically ignore the bad

behaviour, by not saying anything. Sitting here today typing this, I feel

nothing towards my Mom, but some resentment and anger towards a few of my

siblings because of their lack of a response towards her (and because I think a

few of them should have stuck up for me!!)

>

> My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We have a large

family, and she is blatant about favoring all of her sons - they can do no

wrong, and are held to no expectations. Her daughters are the ones she verbally

beats and holds to a much different standard. I lost a sibling earlier in the

year, got myself into therapy with an incredible therapist, and I almost feel

like all of this has changed me in a way where I almost have no tolerance to the

dysfunction!!

>

> I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have made progress

with how I view my Nada and deal with her, I perhaps feel my siblings should

have done the same? And this is probably very unfair of me. I also realize that

my reactions to my siblings could just be me transferring my anger and

frustration to my Nada, right to each of them. And that ultimately expecting

others to change is not realistic and is probably my way of trying to control

them & the situation.

>

> Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks again for the

opportunity to share in such a supportive environment!

>

[Guest guest]

I am lucky in that I have only 1 sibling to worry about, and she figured out

there was something terribly wrong with our mother long before I did.

>

> Hello Fellow Board Members

>

> I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email strands is

something I do to gain affirmation, strength and validation - I thank you all

for that!

>

> My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings, do you struggle

with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel I have come a long way with

gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada, and then understanding how to respond to

her. Where I am getting " stuck " now, is with my emotional reaction to my

siblings - I get very angry and upset with their attachment and support of my

Nada and her horrible behaviour.

>

> Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I planned to have

brunch with her parents and then go over to my family for dessert. Midway thru

the brunch, I get an angry VM from my Nada, telling me to " not bother to come

over " as it is obvious I cared more for my partner's family by having dinner

with them. This VM was nothing new and " more of the same " , so it did not really

faze me. What bothered me more is that I had several siblings that were there

with my Nada when this drama started, and they basically ignore the bad

behaviour, by not saying anything. Sitting here today typing this, I feel

nothing towards my Mom, but some resentment and anger towards a few of my

siblings because of their lack of a response towards her (and because I think a

few of them should have stuck up for me!!)

>

> My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We have a large

family, and she is blatant about favoring all of her sons - they can do no

wrong, and are held to no expectations. Her daughters are the ones she verbally

beats and holds to a much different standard. I lost a sibling earlier in the

year, got myself into therapy with an incredible therapist, and I almost feel

like all of this has changed me in a way where I almost have no tolerance to the

dysfunction!!

>

> I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have made progress

with how I view my Nada and deal with her, I perhaps feel my siblings should

have done the same? And this is probably very unfair of me. I also realize that

my reactions to my siblings could just be me transferring my anger and

frustration to my Nada, right to each of them. And that ultimately expecting

others to change is not realistic and is probably my way of trying to control

them & the situation.

>

> Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks again for the

opportunity to share in such a supportive environment!

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie for your thoughtful email back to me - you shared some realities

that I had read about and knew to be true, but it was excellent reinforcement

and a wonderful reminder to read these again. They were pertaining to the " all

good " and " scapegoat " child, and that the BPD does indeed play favorites (which

can also change, given their " black and white " thinking.

Your comment about the scapegoat actually holding the family together was very

insightful for me - I had never thought about it that way. It is like the

scapegoat becomes the dumping ground for all of the toxicity within a family,

and it does indeed allow our family to continue and ignore the elephant in the

room, which is my Nada (and fada).

I also had not thought about the assignment of these roles undermining the true

and natural development of children. I can see where this has happened to myself

and others in our family.

And I think you are right in that my sibling's choosing to ignore my nada's (and

fada's) bad behaviour may be a permanent thing. What I need to continue to work

on is moving beyond the jealousy and anger that I feel towards my siblings - it

really only hurts me and probably keeps me emotionally tethered in a very bad

place.

Thanks again Annie,

mam

> >

> > Hello Fellow Board Members

> >

> > I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email strands is

something I do to gain affirmation, strength and validation - I thank you all

for that!

> >

> > My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings, do you

struggle with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel I have come a long way

with gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada, and then understanding how to respond

to her. Where I am getting " stuck " now, is with my emotional reaction to my

siblings - I get very angry and upset with their attachment and support of my

Nada and her horrible behaviour.

> >

> > Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I planned to have

brunch with her parents and then go over to my family for dessert. Midway thru

the brunch, I get an angry VM from my Nada, telling me to " not bother to come

over " as it is obvious I cared more for my partner's family by having dinner

with them. This VM was nothing new and " more of the same " , so it did not really

faze me. What bothered me more is that I had several siblings that were there

with my Nada when this drama started, and they basically ignore the bad

behaviour, by not saying anything. Sitting here today typing this, I feel

nothing towards my Mom, but some resentment and anger towards a few of my

siblings because of their lack of a response towards her (and because I think a

few of them should have stuck up for me!!)

> >

> > My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We have a large

family, and she is blatant about favoring all of her sons - they can do no

wrong, and are held to no expectations. Her daughters are the ones she verbally

beats and holds to a much different standard. I lost a sibling earlier in the

year, got myself into therapy with an incredible therapist, and I almost feel

like all of this has changed me in a way where I almost have no tolerance to the

dysfunction!!

> >

> > I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have made progress

with how I view my Nada and deal with her, I perhaps feel my siblings should

have done the same? And this is probably very unfair of me. I also realize that

my reactions to my siblings could just be me transferring my anger and

frustration to my Nada, right to each of them. And that ultimately expecting

others to change is not realistic and is probably my way of trying to control

them & the situation.

> >

> > Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks again for the

opportunity to share in such a supportive environment!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I have been there. i have one living brother - my mother's golden boy.

And one dead brother, died at birth. My mother's other golden boy.

My mother enjoyed very much playing both my brothers against me my entire

life. I was her scapegoat. she detests women and so detests me. She has

since I was born.

A BPD mother can quickly learn that sibling rivalry is a rewarding way for

her to deeply hurt her scapegoated child.

i've read in family therapy literature that siblings perceptions of a

family can be so different from one another that it is as if they grew up

in a different world. it's all based on dysfunctional family roles. I would

suggest that you google dysfunctional family roles if you have a moment.

I have been NC with my living brother since even before I went NC with my

nada. I love it, god bless NC. He is one of the biggest assholes on the

face of the earth. he was abusive to me my entire childhood. he would even

drown mice and bugs in front of my while my nada watched and cackled at my

horror. And my family are all supposed to be animal lovers. . . this

wouldn't fly if my dad had been home. . . I can guarantee my nada would

have pretended to be horrified if he was home.

My brother (or bada) continued throughout my NC to send me e-mails

" ORDERING " me to call my mother, show up for family stuff etc etc. This

went on, apparently he marreid someone. His new wife sent me harassing

emails telling me what a bitch I am for turning my back on my mother. I

called the cops, my goal was to document EVERYTHING for a restraining

order. The cops spoke to both of them and I haven't heard from them again

in the past blessed year and a half.

That said, I do see my brother as a victim too, just like me. I was taught

I could do no right, that I was worthless, helpless and I owed my nada my

life. My brother was taught he could do no wrong. I guess he believed her.

I think he deserved a better parent. But, whether he is a victim or not, I

won't be shoving my hand in the rabid dog's cage and helping him take me

down. I choose NC.

XOXO

> **

>

>

> Thanks Annie for your thoughtful email back to me - you shared some

> realities that I had read about and knew to be true, but it was excellent

> reinforcement and a wonderful reminder to read these again. They were

> pertaining to the " all good " and " scapegoat " child, and that the BPD does

> indeed play favorites (which can also change, given their " black and white "

> thinking.

>

> Your comment about the scapegoat actually holding the family together was

> very insightful for me - I had never thought about it that way. It is like

> the scapegoat becomes the Yeground for all of the toxicity within a family,

> and it does indeed allow our family to continue and ignore the elephant in

> the room, which is my Nada (and fada).

>

> I also had not thought about the assignment of these roles undermining the

> true and natural development of children. I can see where this has happened

> to myself and others in our family.

>

> And I think you are right in that my sibling's choosing to ignore my

> nada's (and fada's) bad behaviour may be a permanent thing. What I need to

> continue to work on is moving beyond the jealousy and anger that I feel

> towards my siblings - it really only hurts me and probably keeps me

> emotionally tethered in a very bad place.

>

> Thanks again Annie,

>

> mam

>

>

> > >

> > > Hello Fellow Board Members

> > >

> > > I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email strands

> is something I do to gain affirmation, strength and validation - I thank

> you all for that!

> > >

> > > My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings, do you

> struggle with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel I have come a

> long way with gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada, and then understanding

> how to respond to her. Where I am getting " stuck " now, is with my emotional

> reaction to my siblings - I get very angry and upset with their attachment

> and support of my Nada and her horrible behaviour.

> > >

> > > Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I planned to

> have brunch with her parents and then go over to my family for dessert.

> Midway thru the brunch, I get an angry VM from my Nada, telling me to " not

> bother to come over " as it is obvious I cared more for my partner's family

> by having dinner with them. This VM was nothing new and " more of the same " ,

> so it did not really faze me. What bothered me more is that I had several

> siblings that were there with my Nada when this drama started, and they

> basically ignore the bad behaviour, by not saying anything. Sitting here

> today typing this, I feel nothing towards my Mom, but some resentment and

> anger towards a few of my siblings because of their lack of a response

> towards her (and because I think a few of them should have stuck up for

> me!!)

> > >

> > > My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We have a

> large family, and she is blatant about favoring all of her sons - they can

> do no wrong, and are held to no expectations. Her daughters are the ones

> she verbally beats and holds to a much different standard. I lost a sibling

> earlier in the year, got myself into therapy with an incredible therapist,

> and I almost feel like all of this has changed me in a way where I almost

> have no tolerance to the dysfunction!!

> > >

> > > I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have made

> progress with how I view my Nada and deal with her, I perhaps feel my

> siblings should have done the same? And this is probably very unfair of me.

> I also realize that my reactions to my siblings could just be me

> transferring my anger and frustration to my Nada, right to each of them.

> And that ultimately expecting others to change is not realistic and is

> probably my way of trying to control them & the situation.

> > >

> > > Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks again for

> the opportunity to share in such a supportive environment!

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Mam,

I have one sibling...a sister who is only 19 months older than I. I was (is)

the favored child. My sister decided at a young age to " ignore " my mom. She is

deaf and at a young age she would turn her head away (as to not have to read our

Nada's lips) and " blow " off Nada. She new at a young age that Nada's behavior

was wrong. I on the other hand was striving to please...being the perfect

daughter. Trying to make up for my sister and trying to make Nada happy and to

love me. For years my sister and I were not close and not being able to

communicate by phone etc....my sister was basically ignored. She is bold, does

her own thing and she does it her way. She could care less about Nada's

feelings. I was the other extreme. My sister and were able to sit down and

talk. She asked me why I behaved the way I did/do. I heard all my life from

Nada that she had a horrible first pregnancy which ended up in miscarriage.

Then second pregnancy ended up with a daughter who is deaf. She got pregnant

with me and didn't want to be. She said she was very upset with the pregnancy

(me). Sister was in her terrible almost " 2's " and according to Nada, I cried

all the time. I was probably just a normal baby but Nada was young...24

(selfish) and two babies. Basically a basket case. (our dad worked two jobs to

support the family leaving us alone with Nada...he looked the other way I guess)

It took me a long time to realize the scope of what had and was happening. That

I didn't have to strive to be the perfect daughter. Complete Enmeshment with

her....so sick. Poor sister...I apologized to her and tried to explain

borderline...why my response has been what is has been. Sister came out and

said, " I feel like we were abused. " I have since talked to Dad about it. We

are trying to make sense out of this. I have their support for healthy

boundaries. Dad gets the brunt of her anger and hate that she no longer has

control. My husband is also trying to understand all of this and help me with

keeping healthy boundaries.

I hope, some day that your siblings with have an epiphany and unerstand what is

going on in Borderland. I do feel so bad that I have enabled Nada all these

years. I just didn't get it. I have to say, my sister can get away with all

that she does and with one request has our Nada jumping through hoops for her.

(of course she will complain behind her back and play the martyr with me) For

me, my Nada is a helpless Narcissist! I become the bad guy if I have my own

opinion or idea or I plan something that does not include her. For example,

Christmas. We are not allowing them to come.

I'll stop here....I can ramble on and on....so emotional, yes?!

Louise (TTH)

>

> Hello Fellow Board Members

>

> I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email strands is

something I do to gain affirmation, strength and validation - I thank you all

for that!

>

> My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings, do you struggle

with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel I have come a long way with

gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada, and then understanding how to respond to

her. Where I am getting " stuck " now, is with my emotional reaction to my

siblings - I get very angry and upset with their attachment and support of my

Nada and her horrible behaviour.

>

> Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I planned to have

brunch with her parents and then go over to my family for dessert. Midway thru

the brunch, I get an angry VM from my Nada, telling me to " not bother to come

over " as it is obvious I cared more for my partner's family by having dinner

with them. This VM was nothing new and " more of the same " , so it did not really

faze me. What bothered me more is that I had several siblings that were there

with my Nada when this drama started, and they basically ignore the bad

behaviour, by not saying anything. Sitting here today typing this, I feel

nothing towards my Mom, but some resentment and anger towards a few of my

siblings because of their lack of a response towards her (and because I think a

few of them should have stuck up for me!!)

>

> My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We have a large

family, and she is blatant about favoring all of her sons - they can do no

wrong, and are held to no expectations. Her daughters are the ones she verbally

beats and holds to a much different standard. I lost a sibling earlier in the

year, got myself into therapy with an incredible therapist, and I almost feel

like all of this has changed me in a way where I almost have no tolerance to the

dysfunction!!

>

> I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have made progress

with how I view my Nada and deal with her, I perhaps feel my siblings should

have done the same? And this is probably very unfair of me. I also realize that

my reactions to my siblings could just be me transferring my anger and

frustration to my Nada, right to each of them. And that ultimately expecting

others to change is not realistic and is probably my way of trying to control

them & the situation.

>

> Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks again for the

opportunity to share in such a supportive environment!

>

[Guest guest]

Hello all:

This post is also of particular interest to me as I have 2 brothers - one

younger and older who are so enmeshed with my nada it is frightening.

I am NC with the older asshole as he has been physically abusive to me over the

years and is highly unstable in his rages. When he punched me in the face many

years ago my Nada wanted to know why I always caused trouble. How's that for

scapegoating???

I have recently set a personal boundary that I am on " medium chill " with my nada

but will not be with her if the younger one is there. A very sick dynamic occurs

when he is around and it is called " let's pick on the sister " and when I have

said in the past it hurts me or that I don't find there jabs at me to be funny,

I have been told I have no sense of humour.

As Annie has pointed out, this behaviour came from him learning to bond with her

when he saw her tornado rages or crazy behaviour occurred. My therapist

described it as his place of safety was to sit tight by her and watch me take

the hits and probably thanked God it wasn't him. He is 45 years old and still

does it even though he claims to be in recovery and does alot of personal

work??????

My witch nada has set up rivalry amongst us as some sort of sick form of

entertainment and I figure that by going NC with both of my siblings is safest

for me. I still feel rage and extreme hurt that still to this day there was not

one person in my family who ever had the balls to challenge her and come to my

safety.....not even my father.

Koko

> > > >

> > > > Hello Fellow Board Members

> > > >

> > > > I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email strands

> > is something I do to gain affirmation, strength and validation - I thank

> > you all for that!

> > > >

> > > > My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings, do you

> > struggle with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel I have come a

> > long way with gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada, and then understanding

> > how to respond to her. Where I am getting " stuck " now, is with my emotional

> > reaction to my siblings - I get very angry and upset with their attachment

> > and support of my Nada and her horrible behaviour.

> > > >

> > > > Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I planned to

> > have brunch with her parents and then go over to my family for dessert.

> > Midway thru the brunch, I get an angry VM from my Nada, telling me to " not

> > bother to come over " as it is obvious I cared more for my partner's family

> > by having dinner with them. This VM was nothing new and " more of the same " ,

> > so it did not really faze me. What bothered me more is that I had several

> > siblings that were there with my Nada when this drama started, and they

> > basically ignore the bad behaviour, by not saying anything. Sitting here

> > today typing this, I feel nothing towards my Mom, but some resentment and

> > anger towards a few of my siblings because of their lack of a response

> > towards her (and because I think a few of them should have stuck up for

> > me!!)

> > > >

> > > > My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We have a

> > large family, and she is blatant about favoring all of her sons - they can

> > do no wrong, and are held to no expectations. Her daughters are the ones

> > she verbally beats and holds to a much different standard. I lost a sibling

> > earlier in the year, got myself into therapy with an incredible therapist,

> > and I almost feel like all of this has changed me in a way where I almost

> > have no tolerance to the dysfunction!!

> > > >

> > > > I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have made

> > progress with how I view my Nada and deal with her, I perhaps feel my

> > siblings should have done the same? And this is probably very unfair of me.

> > I also realize that my reactions to my siblings could just be me

> > transferring my anger and frustration to my Nada, right to each of them.

> > And that ultimately expecting others to change is not realistic and is

> > probably my way of trying to control them & the situation.

> > > >

> > > > Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks again for

> > the opportunity to share in such a supportive environment!

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's amazing how different sstbling from the same family are so

different. My older sister is the compliant one; she went

through a " stage " where she did rebel a bit. But now, nada and

her are best friends. Doing lots of stuff together. She tends

to be the spoke person for the family. She always tries to get

me back together with nada, and tries to get me to do what nada

and her want. My other younger sister lives far away, which I

think is a way to leave it all behind. I'm the middle one, and

the bad one. The one who won't do as nada and dada want.

Re: ? re Siblings

Koko,

Hi. I just read your posting and it really hit me. I can so

relate.I am the middle of three girls and now the bad one.

Before I got what the heck was going on and was much younger my

older sister was the bad one. She got the heck out early on and

stayed away. But now in her mid fifties has reunited with nada

and they are best buds some of the time.

My nada was fine with me until I started growing away from her as

my own family needed me and I became more independent and making

decisions in my life that she evidentally didn't agree with. She

has turned on my husband and me so the only length of time I

spend with her is when it is just she and I . She is pretty good

then. But when younger sibling is around it is just as you

described what you experience with your brother - a nightmare.

She is so emeshed with nada and they feed into one another and

fawn over one another to the point that it makes me sick. Sister

and her husband are very materialistic and buy nada's affection

and play the game with her so excellently. It is really quite a

show. They can be like mean girls and I am the target. Worse if

the wine comes out, so I don't stick around, and if the whole

family gets together we have a time limit and often bring two

cars. I won't subject myself or husband to their meanness. It

is like she is two people because sometimes she is caring and

nurturing and reasonable. But I definately feel alone in my FOO

and since my dad died a year ago I can even feel emotionally

exposed and not safe with them. I watch myself very carefully

and it is really different now - it is difficult. The projecting

they both do can be the most frustrating thing to deal with and I

know I can't try and " talk " to them because it only makes things

worse. It is always a trap and I am so done with being the

victim.

I am at the point now that I don't care if they " get me " or not.

I have to protect me and mine and sometimes get really mad when I

think about how often I wondered why no one stood up for me

either, not even dad, but now that he is gone and nada is worse I

realize he did a lot to keep her in line that I never knew about.

I feel badly knowing he had it worse than I had imagined. He was

my only true ally in my FOO and boy do I miss that wonderful, if

flawed man. It is very sad. But I do have my knowledge of what

is going on and that helps. I do sometimes have a pity party for

myself but is doesn't last long.

I have a great husband and two awesome adult kids whom I

absolutely adore and love me and we all are on the same page with

my FOO and my husband's FOO, which beleive it or not is worse

than mine! His nada is a witch like yours is, mine is mostly

queen and waif with perhaps a bit of a witch but mild compared to

what others have posted. She just has the subtle cutting remarks

and mean comments down really well. But I am an adult now with

awareness and can protect myself and distance myself. I thank

God I am aware, even though it is difficult and sad, it is so

much better than being confused and thinking it is me who is nuts

and trying to make it better!

Hello Fellow Board Members

I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email

strands

is something I do to gain affirmation, strength and validation -

I thank

you all for that!

My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings,

do you

struggle with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel I have

come a

long way with gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada, and then

understanding

how to respond to her. Where I am getting " stuck " now, is with

my emotional

reaction to my siblings - I get very angry and upset with their

attachment

and support of my Nada and her horrible behaviour.

Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I

planned to

have brunch with her parents and then go over to my family for

dessert.

Midway thru the brunch, I get an angry VM from my Nada, telling

me to " not

bother to come over " as it is obvious I cared more for my

partner's family

by having dinner with them. This VM was nothing new and " more

of the same " ,

so it did not really faze me. What bothered me more is that I

had several

siblings that were there with my Nada when this drama started,

and they

basically ignore the bad behaviour, by not saying anything.

Sitting here

today typing this, I feel nothing towards my Mom, but some

resentment and

anger towards a few of my siblings because of their lack of a

response

towards her (and because I think a few of them should have stuck

up for

me!!)

My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We

have a

large family, and she is blatant about favoring all of her sons

- they can

do no wrong, and are held to no expectations. Her daughters are

the ones

she verbally beats and holds to a much different standard. I

lost a sibling

earlier in the year, got myself into therapy with an incredible

therapist,

and I almost feel like all of this has changed me in a way where

I almost

have no tolerance to the dysfunction!!

I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have

made

progress with how I view my Nada and deal with her, I perhaps

feel my

siblings should have done the same? And this is probably very

unfair of me.

I also realize that my reactions to my siblings could just be me

transferring my anger and frustration to my Nada, right to each

of them.

And that ultimately expecting others to change is not realistic

and is

probably my way of trying to control them & the situation.

Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks

again for

the opportunity to share in such a supportive environment!

[Guest guest]

welcome to the group. I'm new here too and have been where you

are now. I got totalally burnt out in colege and got really

depressed because of it. With the support of some friends, I

changed my number and went nc for a while. I have contact now

but wish I didn't. Anyway, all I can say is, I'd been there and

you will get through. This is a great place for support.

Steph

Re: ? re Siblings

Hi Mam,

I know how you feel. I feel that same frustration with my

brother at how interchangeable he is with my mother.

It's hard to get close to him b/c I'm afraid it'll turn into

another suffocating situation like with my mother, esp since he's

single/no kids/very enmeshed with her.

I like your insights that you feel that it would be great if they

felt the same way as you about your mother and that you might be

transferring your anger to them. I used to try to talk to my

brother about our mother, to get him to see what I see. But he

is so enmeshed, all he sees is an old, weak, needy woman who he

couldn't bear to hurt.

I no longer try to talk to him about it. But, what I also no

longer do is listen to him when he complains about her. I just

say, " oh, yeah? so how's work? " Anything to change the subject.

My father expected more from me as the girl; he expected

unyielding loyalty to him and my mother even after I got married

and had kids. From my brother he asked for and expected nothing.

But he's gone now and it's just my mother's neediness to deal

with.

Like you said, I know I can't expect my brother to change. My

only concern is that he not expect me to return to that same

unhealthy level of daily involvement/ " service " to my mother

(being expected to drop everything to hear her kvetch about her

day and talk several times a day at her bidding). Well, even if

he did expect it, it's not happening.

Fiona

Hello Fellow Board Members

I'm thankful to have this site to go to, as reading the email

strands is something I do to gain affirmation, strength and

validation - I thank you all for that!

My question to you all is: for those of you who have siblings,

do you struggle with how they respond to your BPD parent? I feel

I have come a long way with gaining knowledge about my BPD Nada,

and then understanding how to respond to her. Where I am getting

" stuck " now, is with my emotional reaction to my siblings - I get

very angry and upset with their attachment and support of my Nada

and her horrible behaviour.

Yesterday really triggered this for me. My partner and I

planned to have brunch with her parents and then go over to my

family for dessert. Midway thru the brunch, I get an angry VM

from my Nada, telling me to " not bother to come over " as it is

obvious I cared more for my partner's family by having dinner

with them. This VM was nothing new and " more of the same " , so it

did not really faze me. What bothered me more is that I had

several siblings that were there with my Nada when this drama

started, and they basically ignore the bad behaviour, by not

saying anything. Sitting here today typing this, I feel nothing

towards my Mom, but some resentment and anger towards a few of my

siblings because of their lack of a response towards her (and

because I think a few of them should have stuck up for me!!)

My Nada is also very typical, in that she has favorites. We

have a large family, and she is blatant about favoring all of her

sons - they can do no wrong, and are held to no expectations.

Her daughters are the ones she verbally beats and holds to a much

different standard. I lost a sibling earlier in the year, got

myself into therapy with an incredible therapist, and I almost

feel like all of this has changed me in a way where I almost have

no tolerance to the dysfunction!!

I think where I am also getting stuck is that because I have

made progress with how I view my Nada and deal with her, I

perhaps feel my siblings should have done the same? And this is

probably very unfair of me. I also realize that my reactions to

my siblings could just be me transferring my anger and

frustration to my Nada, right to each of them. And that

ultimately expecting others to change is not realistic and is

probably my way of trying to control them & the situation.

Well, it feels good just to write all of this down. Thanks

again for the opportunity to share in such a supportive

environment!

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

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