Re: Severing Ties -- coping

[Guest guest]

I'm right there too....I do have a relationship with my Nada but I need to say

goodbye to the Mommy I never had. I always get sucked back in with one nice

comment...guess I'm always wanting something that will never be there. I need to

finally come to terms with that. I do envy my friends who have strong,

supportive, loving, kind (etc...) Mothers.

We have three teenage boys and they are so loving. I treasure them. We have a

4 year old adopted daughter and I am giving my all with this precious one. She

has been such a blessing to me and to our family. My Nada loves our kiddos but

there is always that unconditional requirement. That they please her. Like I

did. I do not require my children to do this....(I used to when they were

young). I'm stopping the cycle now! She will never be a Grandma. A loving sweet

Grandma. My kids do not have grandparents. That's the bottom line.

I'm going to add this...maybe an inappropriate time to include this side

story...just needing to share...

Our adopted daughter was born with a severe facial deformity. She is absolutely

beautiful....inside and out. She is amazing. Her beauty on the outside does not

reflect all that is missing on one side of her face. She has a lot of surgery to

go through. We took my parents on vacation with us this past summer. Our sweet

girl was such a trooper, having so much fun and was so good with our long days

in Orlando. One evening she would not smile for my Nada when taking a picture.

Then we got her to laugh and she made some silly faces. It was fun, cute...(I

was never allowed to be silly when I was a kid so I love it that my kids can be

that way) My Nada said.... " Do you want people to remember the ugly faces you are

making. " (she said it really snotty trying to control 4 year old DD) I stood up

to Nada. I told her she was wrong to control our daughter like that. That using

the words ugly and faces with DD is wrong....always...but with her severe

deformity....she will have to over come a lot when she is older and the word

ugly will not be used. Nada said, " I am trying to get her to smile. " I told her

that was no way to get DD to smile. I remember Nada saying things like that to

me. It was a long day....let her be less than perfect...

Anyway....I invited them on our vacation to make Nada happy....boy...I was

wrong. So I'm here trying to let go! Once and for all.

Louise (TTH)

>

>

> > in

> a way, we

> > have to say good-bye to the parent we wanted them to be. It makes

> me feel

> > really sad to say that, like I'm letting go of something that I'll

> never get

> > back. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't have it to

> begin with.

>

>

> Wow, This is exactly were I'm at with my nada. Eventhough she is the

> one who asked me to stay out of her life and not contact her unless I

> was willing to seek conseling for my problems, she is still trying to

> hoover me. Fortunetly I'm beyond the fog but, I still struggle with

> not having a mother. I hear other women talk about their

> relationships with their mothers and it hurts. When my teenager gives

> me a hug, kiss, and an 'I love you, your the best.' I know that it is

> truely from his heart. Not something he is saying while he quietly

> prays that the words and actions will difuse the situation and he'll

> avoid the physical and mental beating.

>

> j

>

[Guest guest]

I hear you both. And the guilt continues even when I can rationalize the minimum

contact. Sometimes I get so tired of being the mature, reasonable one. I feel

like I have been taking care of my FOO forever.

>

>

> in

> a way, we

> have to say good-bye to the parent we wanted them to be. It

> makes

> me feel

> really sad to say that, like I'm letting go of something that

> I'll

> never get

> back. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't have it to

> begin with.

>

>

> Wow, This is exactly were I'm at with my nada. Eventhough she

> is the

> one who asked me to stay out of her life and not contact her

> unless I

> was willing to seek conseling for my problems, she is still

> trying to

> hoover me. Fortunetly I'm beyond the fog but, I still struggle

> with

> not having a mother. I hear other women talk about their

> relationships with their mothers and it hurts. When my teenager

> gives

> me a hug, kiss, and an 'I love you, your the best.' I know that

> it is

> truely from his heart. Not something he is saying while he

> quietly

> prays that the words and actions will difuse the situation and

> he'll

> avoid the physical and mental beating.

>

> j

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

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> The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

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