Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Hi all, I've swooped in and out of this message board for more than six years and was unbelievably healed and comforted by the past few hundred messages this afternoon. Returning here after the traumatic past week was more of a homecoming than coming home in itself. You know how the pesticide DDT exponentially doubles in concentration as it moves up the food chain? I feel as though, after decades of emotional poisoning, I've officially reached my saturation point. Every hint of nada's lunacy triples in strength and sends me reeling. I only visited her for five days but my brain was badly sprained. I finally flew home last night, passed out for 12 hours, and the only things I've been capable of today are doing some laundry and re-reading 'Understanding the Borderline Mother'. My old dissociation habits kicked in and I can't seem to focus on anything. I feel empty and filled with that melancholy that's a bizarre hybrid of depression, hopelessness and acute anxiety. And lots and lots of guilt. Nada is about to enter marriage #4. She managed to snag a sad, grieving widow and somehow convinced him (oh the Queen nadas and their wily charming ways!) to buy her a house within a few months of dating. She sold hers (at a loss) and moved into their beautiful new country estate. She is penniless, despite her several closets of designer clothing [she has an entire closet for hats!], Gucci glasses, Jaguar, antiques etc. She picked me up at the airport and cheerily informed me she'd lost her license (again) from too many speeding tickets but was driving anyway. We arrived at the beautiful new house and I met his sons. That poor family. They are still quite grief-stricken (their mother died late last year) and seem baffled by my mother. I think they're happy their father is happy but are, naturally, alarmed by the speed of the courtship (he called ME [at her urging] to ask for her hand in marriage three months into dating). She is mostly charming around his sons but you can't help but glimpse the vast insanity between her beautiful face, manically animated shouting and compulsive negativity. Everyone in her world is either wonderful or evil--a " pathetic " alcoholic/ bipolar/ borderline (ha!) etc. She's obsessed with the civil war and its gory details. Talks constantly about the " slaughter " and forces us to drive out of our way to stare at various battlefields. She has destroyed and bankrupted her past two husbands, literally driven them into the ground, and I've suffered some serious, serious survivor guilt. I'm an only child who was mostly " all-good " with bouts of being labeled " all-bad " . She mostly splits off the " all-bad " onto the men in her life. I know she is going to destroy this new man, this poor widower, which will deeply hurt his sons. I felt soooo guilty, wishing I could shout, " I'm so sorry for what's to come! " during our pleasant chat over pumpkin muffins. It was excruciating. A true moral quandary. Like knowing a slow brutal, screeching car accident is about to start but being unable to warn the driver of the other car. On Friday, I was sorting through moving boxes and came across my old diaries and letters. There was a giant folder of letters from nada from across the years, detailing my various failures, betrayals and so on. Letters she'd lovingly typed and sent me at camp--when I was seven years old!--filled with rambling, vivid descriptions of the current victim of her smear campaigns. I found old crookedly written, misspelled notes I'd written to my parents saying things like " Please stop hating each other! Don't argue! " And my diaries were so f*cking sad. Filled with rambling entries, from the age of ten onward, about the ceaseless shouting and anger. My sadness and hoplessness and feelings of worthlessness. During my junior year of high school, nada pressed false physical abuse charges against fada and filed a restraining order against him on behalf of both of us. I didn't see him for a year. My diary entries from that year are so heartbreaking. I clearly internalized and focused all of the negative energy inward--writing about how fat, ugly, unpopular, weird and worthless I was. How I felt couldn't feel anything and felt flat and dead. I actually was very happy in high school and had forgotten about most of those letters and diary entries. Finding them again made me SO ANGRY at nada for how inappropriately and selfishly she's treated me for most of my life. I hadn't remembered I'd been aware of the abuse, and articulately so, from such a young age. The no contact issue is the most plaguing one for us adult KO, isn't it? The diaries brought me closer to going NC. If (when) she invariably messes up this marriage and is then homeless, I'm prepared to say I will only come home if she seeks psychiatric counseling. I know she won't but I'm feeling more prepared for that next step. Thanks for listening! I know this was a long long entry!! For those of you who read this far, a few questions: * Have you ever found old diaries that brought back horrible memories through the lens of your adult experience and wisdom? How did you handle that grief? * For those of you whose nadas have remarried, how did you deal with the new " innocent " family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2011 Report Share Posted November 28, 2011 First, you are such an engaging writer...I really enjoyed your entry, even though I can totally relate to your feelings. Loved the line about your inner struggle during the pumpkin muffins. What I've learned thru all of this is that you have no power over her actions, and you wouldn't even want that power. Just have to let it happen...as sad as it really is. I recently found my old journals from high school, and was horrified and so embarrassed by what I had written continuously, day after day...about my mom and how much I hated life and how I wanted to kill myself. I have thrown away all my journals because I would never want my kids to ever find these anger-filled, hopeless, lonely depictions of their fun-loving and caring mom. If I ever found my kids writings like what I wrote, I would be terrified and would talk it out with them. Funny thing is that my mom knew how i felt...and it was never talked about. Seeing my suicidal words...with the big loud writing i did outside the lines and so many exclamation points and tears made me so sad for myself. I truly had no one to talk to and I was lost. My mom was my closest confidant. I was happy to get rid of my lost words. Nobody should have to live like that. Amy barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2011 Report Share Posted November 28, 2011 Fiona, I understand about your anger regaring your nada reading your diary and holding it against you. My nada and father found a letter to me from my then boyfriend (now husband of 30 years) and held things against both of us and made me feel really badly. Just normal young adult stuff, two kids in love, but to her it was evidence that I was bad. But did she ever, ever admit to reading the letter? No. Did she ever, ever, even when I was an adult apologize for reading my private letter? No. She never apolgizes and is always right and other people's feelings don't matter to her. > > > > Hi all, > > > > I've swooped in and out of this message board for more than six years and was unbelievably healed and comforted by the past few hundred messages this afternoon. Returning here after the traumatic past week was more of a homecoming than coming home in itself. > > > > You know how the pesticide DDT exponentially doubles in concentration as it moves up the food chain? I feel as though, after decades of emotional poisoning, I've officially reached my saturation point. Every hint of nada's lunacy triples in strength and sends me reeling. I only visited her for five days but my brain was badly sprained. I finally flew home last night, passed out for 12 hours, and the only things I've been capable of today are doing some laundry and re-reading 'Understanding the Borderline Mother'. My old dissociation habits kicked in and I can't seem to focus on anything. I feel empty and filled with that melancholy that's a bizarre hybrid of depression, hopelessness and acute anxiety. And lots and lots of guilt. > > > > Nada is about to enter marriage #4. She managed to snag a sad, grieving widow and somehow convinced him (oh the Queen nadas and their wily charming ways!) to buy her a house within a few months of dating. She sold hers (at a loss) and moved into their beautiful new country estate. She is penniless, despite her several closets of designer clothing [she has an entire closet for hats!], Gucci glasses, Jaguar, antiques etc. > > > > She picked me up at the airport and cheerily informed me she'd lost her license (again) from too many speeding tickets but was driving anyway. We arrived at the beautiful new house and I met his sons. That poor family. They are still quite grief-stricken (their mother died late last year) and seem baffled by my mother. I think they're happy their father is happy but are, naturally, alarmed by the speed of the courtship (he called ME [at her urging] to ask for her hand in marriage three months into dating). She is mostly charming around his sons but you can't help but glimpse the vast insanity between her beautiful face, manically animated shouting and compulsive negativity. Everyone in her world is either wonderful or evil--a " pathetic " alcoholic/ bipolar/ borderline (ha!) etc. She's obsessed with the civil war and its gory details. Talks constantly about the " slaughter " and forces us to drive out of our way to stare at various battlefields. > > > > She has destroyed and bankrupted her past two husbands, literally driven them into the ground, and I've suffered some serious, serious survivor guilt. I'm an only child who was mostly " all-good " with bouts of being labeled " all-bad " . She mostly splits off the " all-bad " onto the men in her life. I know she is going to destroy this new man, this poor widower, which will deeply hurt his sons. I felt soooo guilty, wishing I could shout, " I'm so sorry for what's to come! " during our pleasant chat over pumpkin muffins. It was excruciating. A true moral quandary. Like knowing a slow brutal, screeching car accident is about to start but being unable to warn the driver of the other car. > > > > On Friday, I was sorting through moving boxes and came across my old diaries and letters. There was a giant folder of letters from nada from across the years, detailing my various failures, betrayals and so on. Letters she'd lovingly typed and sent me at camp--when I was seven years old!--filled with rambling, vivid descriptions of the current victim of her smear campaigns. I found old crookedly written, misspelled notes I'd written to my parents saying things like " Please stop hating each other! Don't argue! " And my diaries were so f*cking sad. Filled with rambling entries, from the age of ten onward, about the ceaseless shouting and anger. My sadness and hoplessness and feelings of worthlessness. > > > > During my junior year of high school, nada pressed false physical abuse charges against fada and filed a restraining order against him on behalf of both of us. I didn't see him for a year. My diary entries from that year are so heartbreaking. I clearly internalized and focused all of the negative energy inward--writing about how fat, ugly, unpopular, weird and worthless I was. How I felt couldn't feel anything and felt flat and dead. > > > > I actually was very happy in high school and had forgotten about most of those letters and diary entries. Finding them again made me SO ANGRY at nada for how inappropriately and selfishly she's treated me for most of my life. I hadn't remembered I'd been aware of the abuse, and articulately so, from such a young age. The no contact issue is the most plaguing one for us adult KO, isn't it? The diaries brought me closer to going NC. If (when) she invariably messes up this marriage and is then homeless, I'm prepared to say I will only come home if she seeks psychiatric counseling. I know she won't but I'm feeling more prepared for that next step. > > > > Thanks for listening! I know this was a long long entry!! For those of you who read this far, a few questions: > > > > * Have you ever found old diaries that brought back horrible memories through the lens of your adult experience and wisdom? How did you handle that grief? > > > > * For those of you whose nadas have remarried, how did you deal with the new " innocent " family? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2011 Report Share Posted November 28, 2011 This happched to me too. My dighy next to my music was my friend. But o no, my dada found it. And told others i was going to kill myself. He did it he said because he was concerned about me. Bull. I'd never been able to keep a dighy since. Steph Re: Sad old diaries Fiona, I understand about your anger regaring your nada reading your diary and holding it against you. My nada and father found a letter to me from my then boyfriend (now husband of 30 years) and held things against both of us and made me feel really badly. Just normal young adult stuff, two kids in love, but to her it was evidence that I was bad. But did she ever, ever admit to reading the letter? No. Did she ever, ever, even when I was an adult apologize for reading my private letter? No. She never apolgizes and is always right and other people's feelings don't matter to her. Hi all, I've swooped in and out of this message board for more than six years and was unbelievably healed and comforted by the past few hundred messages this afternoon. Returning here after the traumatic past week was more of a homecoming than coming home in itself. You know how the pesticide DDT exponentially doubles in concentration as it moves up the food chain? I feel as though, after decades of emotional poisoning, I've officially reached my saturation point. Every hint of nada's lunacy triples in strength and sends me reeling. I only visited her for five days but my brain was badly sprained. I finally flew home last night, passed out for 12 hours, and the only things I've been capable of today are doing some laundry and re-reading 'Understanding the Borderline Mother'. My old dissociation habits kicked in and I can't seem to focus on anything. I feel empty and filled with that melancholy that's a bizarre hybrid of depression, hopelessness and acute anxiety. And lots and lots of guilt. Nada is about to enter marriage #4. She managed to snag a sad, grieving widow and somehow convinced him (oh the Queen nadas and their wily charming ways!) to buy her a house within a few months of dating. She sold hers (at a loss) and moved into their beautiful new country estate. She is penniless, despite her several closets of designer clothing [she has an entire closet for hats!], Gucci glasses, Jaguar, antiques etc. She picked me up at the airport and cheerily informed me she'd lost her license (again) from too many speeding tickets but was driving anyway. We arrived at the beautiful new house and I met his sons. That poor family. They are still quite grief-stricken (their mother died late last year) and seem baffled by my mother. I think they're happy their father is happy but are, naturally, alarmed by the speed of the courtship (he called ME [at her urging] to ask for her hand in marriage three months into dating). She is mostly charming around his sons but you can't help but glimpse the vast insanity between her beautiful face, manically animated shouting and compulsive negativity. Everyone in her world is either wonderful or evil--a " pathetic " alcoholic/ bipolar/ borderline (ha!) etc. She's obsessed with the civil war and its gory details. Talks constantly about the " slaughter " and forces us to drive out of our way to stare at various battlefields. She has destroyed and bankrupted her past two husbands, literally driven them into the ground, and I've suffered some serious, serious survivor guilt. I'm an only child who was mostly " all-good " with bouts of being labeled " all-bad " . She mostly splits off the " all-bad " onto the men in her life. I know she is going to destroy this new man, this poor widower, which will deeply hurt his sons. I felt soooo guilty, wishing I could shout, " I'm so sorry for what's to come! " during our pleasant chat over pumpkin muffins. It was excruciating. A true moral quandary. Like knowing a slow brutal, screeching car accident is about to start but being unable to warn the driver of the other car. On Friday, I was sorting through moving boxes and came across my old diaries and letters. There was a giant folder of letters from nada from across the years, detailing my various failures, betrayals and so on. Letters she'd lovingly typed and sent me at camp--when I was seven years old!--filled with rambling, vivid descriptions of the current victim of her smear campaigns. I found old crookedly written, misspelled notes I'd written to my parents saying things like " Please stop hating each other! Don't argue! " And my diaries were so f*cking sad. Filled with rambling entries, from the age of ten onward, about the ceaseless shouting and anger. My sadness and hoplessness and feelings of worthlessness. During my junior year of high school, nada pressed false physical abuse charges against fada and filed a restraining order against him on behalf of both of us. I didn't see him for a year. My diary entries from that year are so heartbreaking. I clearly internalized and focused all of the negative energy inward--writing about how fat, ugly, unpopular, weird and worthless I was. How I felt couldn't feel anything and felt flat and dead. I actually was very happy in high school and had forgotten about most of those letters and diary entries. Finding them again made me SO ANGRY at nada for how inappropriately and selfishly she's treated me for most of my life. I hadn't remembered I'd been aware of the abuse, and articulately so, from such a young age. The no contact issue is the most plaguing one for us adult KO, isn't it? The diaries brought me closer to going NC. If (when) she invariably messes up this marriage and is then homeless, I'm prepared to say I will only come home if she seeks psychiatric counseling. I know she won't but I'm feeling more prepared for that next step. Thanks for listening! I know this was a long long entry!! For those of you who read this far, a few questions: * Have you ever found old diaries that brought back horrible memories through the lens of your adult experience and wisdom? How did you handle that grief? * For those of you whose nadas have remarried, how did you deal with the new " innocent " family? ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo! Groups Links Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 I kept them as a kid. Mormon kids are taught to. My nada refused to let me in my room to get them out after i finished college. Then one day she brought them to me with a very smug look on her face, as if to say since she knew I wanted things out of my childhood room, she made sure to go digging through it all to see what the big fuss was about. I never open them. I hate memories. i never look at old photos either. It makes me feel like a total fool, when I look back on how stupid I was. And yet, I save things. I keep clothes instead of photo albums had I have all of my grandfather's old wool coats and shirts. I guess the clothes hold the essense of the memory, without any of the specifics, esp how fat, ugly, stupid etc I was back then. On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 11:09 PM, <mumwith2kids@... > wrote: > ** > > > This happched to me too. My dighy next to my music was my > friend. But o no, my dada found it. And told others i was going > to kill myself. > He did it he said because he was concerned about me. Bull. I'd > never been able to keep a dighy since. > Steph > > > Re: Sad old diaries > > Fiona, > I understand about your anger regaring your nada reading your > diary and holding it against you. My nada and father found a > letter to me from my then boyfriend (now husband of 30 years) and > held things against both of us and made me feel really badly. > Just normal young adult stuff, two kids in love, but to her it > was evidence that I was bad. But did she ever, ever admit to > reading the letter? No. Did she ever, ever, even when I was an > adult apologize for reading my private letter? No. She never > apolgizes and is always right and other people's feelings don't > matter to her. > > > > Hi all, > > I've swooped in and out of this message board for more than six > years and was unbelievably healed and comforted by the past few > hundred messages this afternoon. Returning here after the > traumatic past week was more of a homecoming than coming home in > itself. > > You know how the pesticide DDT exponentially doubles in > concentration as it moves up the food chain? I feel as though, > after decades of emotional poisoning, I've officially reached my > saturation point. Every hint of nada's lunacy triples in > strength and sends me reeling. I only visited her for five days > but my brain was badly sprained. I finally flew home last night, > passed out for 12 hours, and the only things I've been capable of > today are doing some laundry and re-reading 'Understanding the > Borderline Mother'. My old dissociation habits kicked in and I > can't seem to focus on anything. I feel empty and filled with > that melancholy that's a bizarre hybrid of depression, > hopelessness and acute anxiety. And lots and lots of guilt. > > Nada is about to enter marriage #4. She managed to snag a sad, > grieving widow and somehow convinced him (oh the Queen nadas and > their wily charming ways!) to buy her a house within a few months > of dating. She sold hers (at a loss) and moved into their > beautiful new country estate. She is penniless, despite her > several closets of designer clothing [she has an entire closet > for hats!], Gucci glasses, Jaguar, antiques etc. > > She picked me up at the airport and cheerily informed me she'd > lost her license (again) from too many speeding tickets but was > driving anyway. We arrived at the beautiful new house and I met > his sons. That poor family. They are still quite grief-stricken > (their mother died late last year) and seem baffled by my mother. > I think they're happy their father is happy but are, naturally, > alarmed by the speed of the courtship (he called ME [at her > urging] to ask for her hand in marriage three months into > dating). She is mostly charming around his sons but you can't > help but glimpse the vast insanity between her beautiful face, > manically animated shouting and compulsive negativity. Everyone > in her world is either wonderful or evil--a " pathetic " alcoholic/ > bipolar/ borderline (ha!) etc. She's obsessed with the civil war > and its gory details. Talks constantly about the " slaughter " and > forces us to drive out of our way to stare at various > battlefields. > > She has destroyed and bankrupted her past two husbands, > literally driven them into the ground, and I've suffered some > serious, serious survivor guilt. I'm an only child who was > mostly " all-good " with bouts of being labeled " all-bad " . She > mostly splits off the " all-bad " onto the men in her life. I know > she is going to destroy this new man, this poor widower, which > will deeply hurt his sons. I felt soooo guilty, wishing I could > shout, " I'm so sorry for what's to come! " during our pleasant > chat over pumpkin muffins. It was excruciating. A true moral > quandary. Like knowing a slow brutal, screeching car accident is > about to start but being unable to warn the driver of the other > car. > > On Friday, I was sorting through moving boxes and came across my > old diaries and letters. There was a giant folder of letters > from nada from across the years, detailing my various failures, > betrayals and so on. Letters she'd lovingly typed and sent me at > camp--when I was seven years old!--filled with rambling, vivid > descriptions of the current victim of her smear campaigns. I > found old crookedly written, misspelled notes I'd written to my > parents saying things like " Please stop hating each other! Don't > argue! " And my diaries were so f*cking sad. Filled with rambling > entries, from the age of ten onward, about the ceaseless shouting > and anger. My sadness and hoplessness and feelings of > worthlessness. > > During my junior year of high school, nada pressed false > physical abuse charges against fada and filed a restraining order > against him on behalf of both of us. I didn't see him for a > year. My diary entries from that year are so heartbreaking. I > clearly internalized and focused all of the negative energy > inward--writing about how fat, ugly, unpopular, weird and > worthless I was. How I felt couldn't feel anything and felt flat > and dead. > > I actually was very happy in high school and had forgotten about > most of those letters and diary entries. Finding them again made > me SO ANGRY at nada for how inappropriately and selfishly she's > treated me for most of my life. I hadn't remembered I'd been > aware of the abuse, and articulately so, from such a young age. > The no contact issue is the most plaguing one for us adult KO, > isn't it? The diaries brought me closer to going NC. If (when) > she invariably messes up this marriage and is then homeless, I'm > prepared to say I will only come home if she seeks psychiatric > counseling. I know she won't but I'm feeling more prepared for > that next step. > > Thanks for listening! I know this was a long long entry!! For > those of you who read this far, a few questions: > > * Have you ever found old diaries that brought back horrible > memories through the lens of your adult experience and wisdom? > How did you handle that grief? > > * For those of you whose nadas have remarried, how did you deal > with the new " innocent " family? > > ------------------------------------ > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo! > Groups Links > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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