re: advice PLEASE

[Guest guest]

The more I read here, the more I realise maybe it's not all me

after all?

Anyway, I'm at a cross roads myself. At this time, I'd just

stuck with leaving it how it is, but nc unless nada wants to

speak to the kids. the contact has to come from her, because I

won't be contacting her.

My sister is coming in a few weeks and I'd debating if I tell

her. I know it will hurt a lot if i had to go nc altogether but

know eventually it will happen. I'm just stalling as much as I

can. But what I beginning to realise is: the siblings and my dad

will have to make a choice. They will have to chose whether to

believe me or nada. It's up to them to make that choice.

Steph

advice PLEASE

I want to set boundaries. with my nada, and my siblings who have

learned to believe what she says about me.

I wrote a letter for the siblings, and in it I gave my

perspective of the situation, and ask for them to stop saying

specific attitudes my mom created. I have dealt with it my whole

life and I am ready to be done. (I only recently discovered it

is not my fault!!!)

should I send the letter? I am afraid of a few things: my mom

will hear about it, and dismiss it and say hurtful things about

it and reverse anything it will accomplish. my siblings will be

jerks about " digging up the past " even though for me the problem

is alive and well and very present. and finally will it just

make me look like I am complaining?

how do I go about setting boundaries with my mom who thinks our

relationship is perfect and will probably succeed in making me

feel horrible for trying, or at least start blaming me and

everyone else for what she thinks are my problems?

I am scared to hurt her, but I don't want her to treat me however

she wants anymore.

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[Guest guest]

Meikjn,

Based on my experience here is my advice. Don't send the letter as siblings

and/or nada will use your words to hurt you further. This has been my experience

anyway. I tried to share my feelings and clear things up with my nada once and

it made things worse. To the point that I regret it, but I did it at the time

because I needed to know I tried for me. IF that is what you need to do for you,

do it, just know there is a very good chance whatever you expose about yourself

will be used against you.

Setting boundries, my advice is set them for you. Set the boundries you can live

with to help keep you sane and healthy. Your nada isn't interested in how you

feel, not really, she can't be because it is all about her. So do what you can

do and what works for you. Nada is going to be mad no matter what you do because

she wants to control things and if you set any boundries she is going to punish

you. So do what works for you.

I hope for you that some of your siblings will eventually come around for you,

but none of mine have yet. Heck, it has taken me nearly 50 years to realize what

is going on, and I doubt I would have believed either of my siblings had they

told me what I now know before I saw it for myself.

I find with my nada less is more and I get in and get out and don't feel guilty

about setting boundries anymore. I have felt more guilt and anxousness during my

life than I ever should have felt due to nada, I need to do what works for me

now. I keep it respectful and clear and it doesn't always feel great, but it is

my best right now.

Best to you.

>

> I want to set boundaries. with my nada, and my siblings who have learned to

believe what she says about me.

>

> I wrote a letter for the siblings, and in it I gave my perspective of the

situation, and ask for them to stop saying specific attitudes my mom created. I

have dealt with it my whole life and I am ready to be done. (I only recently

discovered it is not my fault!!!)

>

> should I send the letter? I am afraid of a few things: my mom will hear about

it, and dismiss it and say hurtful things about it and reverse anything it will

accomplish. my siblings will be jerks about " digging up the past " even though

for me the problem is alive and well and very present. and finally will it just

make me look like I am complaining?

>

> how do I go about setting boundaries with my mom who thinks our relationship

is perfect and will probably succeed in making me feel horrible for trying, or

at least start blaming me and everyone else for what she thinks are my problems?

>

> I am scared to hurt her, but I don't want her to treat me however she wants

anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

You know, I am not completely against the letter idea. It is not a letter to

your nada, which would likely be pointless.

It is a letter to your sibs, telling them you are not happy with the status quo

and feel unfairly judged is your right. I think if you can stick to how you feel

you have been unfairly treated/judged, and not implicate your mother by name,

there is nothing wrong with sending a letter to them.

It can be as simple as " I feel _____ when ________. Since I am no longer a

child, I wish to be treated to the same respect due another adult, the same way

you wish to be treated. Before you judge me (gossip about me) from hearsay,

please do me the courtesy of coming to me and asking about an event in question.

If you can't honor this request, I'll understand that you do not value our

relationship and do not wish to remain on friendly terms. I would find that a

sad situation, but I see not point in participating in such a one sided

relationship. "

Of course, whatever you decide, if you throw down an ultimatum you need to be

committed to following through. It's wonderful when everyone operates from the

Golden Rule, but unfortunately even nice people often treat their siblings

badly.

>

> I want to set boundaries. with my nada, and my siblings who have learned to

believe what she says about me.

>

> I wrote a letter for the siblings, and in it I gave my perspective of the

situation, and ask for them to stop saying specific attitudes my mom created. I

have dealt with it my whole life and I am ready to be done. (I only recently

discovered it is not my fault!!!)

>

> should I send the letter? I am afraid of a few things: my mom will hear about

it, and dismiss it and say hurtful things about it and reverse anything it will

accomplish. my siblings will be jerks about " digging up the past " even though

for me the problem is alive and well and very present. and finally will it just

make me look like I am complaining?

>

> how do I go about setting boundaries with my mom who thinks our relationship

is perfect and will probably succeed in making me feel horrible for trying, or

at least start blaming me and everyone else for what she thinks are my problems?

>

> I am scared to hurt her, but I don't want her to treat me however she wants

anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

You have to stop being afraid of hurting nada, as she will see your reticence

and use it against your resolve.

Nadas do not react well to boundaries. She will likely get mad, try to

manipulate, guilt you, complain to others, ignore the boundaries, anything to

avoid the new restriction on her control. (i.e., you can tell her " no phone

calls after 7pm " but you have to be willing to let the phone ring after 7 pm no

matter what. No calling her back, even if she says the house is burning down.)

She will be hurt and angry and will make your life hell for restricting her. So

be resolved and be prepared. If she gets one past you, let her know you noticed

and that it will not happen like that again.

Good luck, and remember, this gets easier the more you do it!

>

> I want to set boundaries. with my nada, and my siblings who have learned to

believe what she says about me.

>

> I wrote a letter for the siblings, and in it I gave my perspective of the

situation, and ask for them to stop saying specific attitudes my mom created. I

have dealt with it my whole life and I am ready to be done. (I only recently

discovered it is not my fault!!!)

>

> should I send the letter? I am afraid of a few things: my mom will hear about

it, and dismiss it and say hurtful things about it and reverse anything it will

accomplish. my siblings will be jerks about " digging up the past " even though

for me the problem is alive and well and very present. and finally will it just

make me look like I am complaining?

>

> how do I go about setting boundaries with my mom who thinks our relationship

is perfect and will probably succeed in making me feel horrible for trying, or

at least start blaming me and everyone else for what she thinks are my problems?

>

> I am scared to hurt her, but I don't want her to treat me however she wants

anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Meikjn,

Good for you for acting on the courage to want to set boundaries. It really is a

wonderful thing that no one can take away from you. Have you read " Boundaries "

by Cloud/Townsend. It's excellent.

Since you asked for advice, I'll give my two cents (and of course, it's up to

you what you decide to do): I would not send a letter to my siblings, esp b/c

the behavior it sounds like you have issues with are your mother's.

I have sent letters to my mother. They usually do the trick, only b/c she talks

so fast, she doesn't allow anyone else to speak. She always asks why I write her

letters about very hurtful things instead of speaking to her. I usually tell

her, " because you are not a good listener and you don't give me a chance to

fully speak. " Talking with my mother is like having an egg timer put in front of

me and being told to make it fast.

Could you speak to your siblings about your boundaries? You don't need for them

to understand you fully or to even agree to be on board with you. You just need

for them to hear you say, " I will no longer tolerate it when you say this or

that. If you ever say or do this or that in my presence again, I will leave the

room/house. " Or however you want to say it.

Same with your mother. If you feel safe talking to her in person, do that, same

thing as above, " Mom, when you do thus and such, it hurts me. If/when you do it

again, I will assume you can't respect my feelings and will leave the house. "

If you don't feel safe talking to her in person--as I did not--then maybe a

letter to her may help, although as you said, she may turn it against you.

Regardless, she will have read it and read your ultimatum.

Good luck; I know how utterly scary it is. I would get stomach aches and my

chest would constrict before talking to my mother but you also deserve to be

happy and to have boundaries. It seems like everyone else can say " this is

where I end and you begin, " " I like this, not that. " I wanted that, too, and it

took time, but I feel like I'm getting there.

You can do it; we're here for you; full support!!

Fiona

>

> I want to set boundaries. with my nada, and my siblings who have learned to

believe what she says about me.

>

> I wrote a letter for the siblings, and in it I gave my perspective of the

situation, and ask for them to stop saying specific attitudes my mom created. I

have dealt with it my whole life and I am ready to be done. (I only recently

discovered it is not my fault!!!)

>

> should I send the letter? I am afraid of a few things: my mom will hear about

it, and dismiss it and say hurtful things about it and reverse anything it will

accomplish. my siblings will be jerks about " digging up the past " even though

for me the problem is alive and well and very present. and finally will it just

make me look like I am complaining?

>

> how do I go about setting boundaries with my mom who thinks our relationship

is perfect and will probably succeed in making me feel horrible for trying, or

at least start blaming me and everyone else for what she thinks are my problems?

>

> I am scared to hurt her, but I don't want her to treat me however she wants

anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

My family used to do that to me, too.

" Oh, you're so sensitive. "

" She's the quiet, docile one. "

" She never talks. "

When I look back on it now, it was their way of shaming me about who I was. I

would try to be like them, noisier, etc., and then they would shame me about

that.

It's a power trip for them.

> >

> > Sometimes, it can be helpful to write letters just for ourselves, to get our

thoughts all out there on paper. I don't know you or your siblings personally,

or how much you have included in your letter, so I can't advise you really

whether you should send it or not. I guess if your goal is to ask them to stop a

certain behavior, keeping it simple and to that specific request would be the

way I would recommend going. Personally, I would leave out the re-hashing of

different situations in the past, unless it is to say, " When you do X, I feel Y.

I need to ask you to stop doing X. "

> >

> > What kinds of boundaries are you wanting to set with your mother?

> >

> > Sveta

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Those sound like healthy boundaries to ask for.

You probably already know it will not help to explain WHY you need the

boundaries. Borderlines will argue with you and invalidate you in order to

convince you that your feelings are wrong. I do not consider my mother a safe

person to share my feelings with.

But you CAN just make your boundary known; " Mom, I do not like it when you say

that to me. Please stop or I will hang up. " or " It's not working for me to talk

to you every week. Let's plan on [every 2 weeks, every month--whatever works]. "

And then just don't answer if you're not ready.

Sveta

PS, I know what you mean about the rude comment followed immediately by praise.

It feels so confusing!

>

> as far as boundries with my mom, I would like her to quit calling me every

week. I am not in a good place with her right now, and the conversations are

strained and she says rude things followed by " I am so proud of you " if I ask

for that she will slather on the guilt, and I am not good at combating that. I

would rather not be no contact, but if she does not leave me alone for a while I

may change my mind on that. she thinks that she has " such a wonderful

relationship " with all her girls, and others are in a better place to fake it

than me. I know I need space but she thinks things are fine, so it is hard to

ask.

>

> she says the same garbage in the above paragraphs (wonder where the siblings

learned it?) and she also babies me horribly. I want to ask her to not say

certain things that I would have to write a novel to make the situation

understandable to outsiders.

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

I agree with you on this. I always feel like I irritate my nada because I

withdraw unstead of claw back. If you don't do as they do you lose, if you try

to, you lose.

I have been remembering some things I felt and went through emotionally as a kid

lately and I am feeling really angry about it.

> > >

> > > Sometimes, it can be helpful to write letters just for ourselves, to get

our thoughts all out there on paper. I don't know you or your siblings

personally, or how much you have included in your letter, so I can't advise you

really whether you should send it or not. I guess if your goal is to ask them to

stop a certain behavior, keeping it simple and to that specific request would be

the way I would recommend going. Personally, I would leave out the re-hashing of

different situations in the past, unless it is to say, " When you do X, I feel Y.

I need to ask you to stop doing X. "

> > >

> > > What kinds of boundaries are you wanting to set with your mother?

> > >

> > > Sveta

> > >

> >

>