Re: ? re Siblings / Echobabe

[Guest guest]

My sister (half-sib) is 11 years older and was painted black most of her life.

Nada played us against each other for many years. We really didn't know each

other, didn't trust each other until nada went completely ballistic about 15

years ago and shunned BOTH of us at the same time. That was the first time we

actually shared stories, compared notes, and figured out just how nada had been

manipulating our relationship with each other.

Ever since then we've made a pact to not let anything come between us.

> >

> > I am lucky in that I have only 1 sibling to worry about, and she figured out

there was something terribly wrong with our mother long before I did.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A decade or more ago, while my nada and I were still in contact and having a

conversation about various things, out of the blue my nada confessed to me

somewhat tearfully that by the time I was 3 years old she had " given up on

having a normal, loving mother-daughter relationship " with me! And she was

delivering this information as though it was my fault and she expected me to hug

her and apologize: nada felt that I, her infant, had rejected her and hated her!

My jaw dropped open at this revelation. Holy freaking cow! No wonder I felt

like my baby Sister was my replacement, she freaking actually was my

replacement.

The backstory was that my nada had also admitted to me on many occasions that

she had never really liked being around babies and children and had never even

babysat when she was a girl or teen. She'd never even taken care of a pet

before she had me. She also admitted in an indirect way that when I, her

firstborn, arrived, she had freaked out or had a " nervous breakdown " RE taking

care of an infant on her own for the first time.

My dad had to call his mother for help, and so my paternal grandmother came to

stay with the young couple for a few weeks to help out and show my mother how to

care for an infant. I personally suspect that my nada had either postpartum

depression or even postpartum psychosis, not just a " nervous breakdown. "

Instead of being grateful that *someone* came to help her (my mother's own

parents went on an extended road trip vacation around the time nada was due to

deliver me) my nada often spoke disparagingly of her mother in law, at how

bossy she was, etc.

Then at around age one I had a serious medical issue that required emergency

surgery, and careful nursing care afterward; I needed a second followup

operation at around age 2 and more post-operative nursing care. So I probably

developed some attachment issues over being left in a hospital for a week or two

each time; way back then hospitals didn't allow parents to stay with their

child & they could only come in during visiting hours and then leave again. I

think a baby would have a hard time being " abandoned " by her mother over and

over again and left alone with strangers, the doctors and nurses who poked her

and hurt her and scared her.

I'm guessing that nada felt that that having a sick baby was not what she'd

signed up for; she expected me to be perfect and this was definitely not

perfect. She may have felt misplaced guilt for my condition but then projected

her guilty, bad feelings onto me. She probably resented the extra work and

expense my medical condition caused her and dad.

So nada and I did not get off to a good start.

Then when I developed into a toddler that could talk and express my own feelings

and opinions, nada began unleashing her temper at me. She was both emotionally

dysregulated and unempathetic (or dismissive) RE the idea that having a

screaming rage at and hitting a tiny child would make the child afraid of her.

I became terrified of my own mother, to the point that I'd involuntarily flinch

if she made a sudden, unexpected move near me. My nada, being narcissistic and

bpd, interpreted her little child's fear of her as hatred and rejection of

*nada*, and took no responsibility for causing me to be afraid of her in the

first place. Instead, it was me, her preschooler, who was mean and hateful and

unloving, and rejected *her.*

Nada told me that when she discovered that she was pregnant again, she was so

happy because she felt that she " had a second chance to be loved. "

So, as all this information is congealing in my brain, I'm watching so many

puzzle pieces fall into place. No wonder I hated my baby Sister. Good Lord.

Its a miracle that I didn't actually kill her, poor little thing.

And its a miracle that my Sister and I now love each other, but, I'm so grateful

it happened.

-Annie

> >

> > That's wonderful! My younger Sister and I were not friends growing up, and

that was my fault. I was probably a clinically insane child; I was

pathologically jealous/envious of my little Sister. It felt to me as though I'd

been replaced; she was my replacement and I wanted her dead. Yes, it was that

bad, when I was a kid.

> >

> > Thank God my little Sister is not cursed with personality disorder and has a

loving and kind heart. She is an angel, in my opinion. After we became

adults, really, at the time my Sister announced she was pregnant, we were able

to connect with each other on an emotional level and become friends. I told

Sister how ashamed I was for the horrible way I treated her when we were growing

up and asked for her forgiveness, and she forgave me and wanted us to be in

each other's lives. We've got each other's backs, now; we're on the same

" team. "

> >

> > So, from my own personal experience its possible for the siblings of a

personality-disordered parent to actually grow close in friendship with each

other once the toxic influence of the pd parent is overcome, if the siblings are

not themselves cursed with personality disorder.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

> >

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[Guest guest]

I am happy for you. This sounds great. I cannot imagine how good that must feel.

I cannot imagine having that closeness with my siblings or inlaw siblings. We

are so fractured. I know nada and MIL nada manipulates these relationships.

Happy for you,

> > >

> > > I am lucky in that I have only 1 sibling to worry about, and she figured

out there was something terribly wrong with our mother long before I did.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I am very happy for you and hope someday I have with my sisters what you have

with yours.

karen

> > > >

> > > > I am lucky in that I have only 1 sibling to worry about, and she figured

out there was something terribly wrong with our mother long before I did.

> > > >

> > >

> >

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