Working out all the emotions from T-giving

[Guest guest]

I'm the one whose parents bailed at the last minute, saying fada was ill. Boy,

that made my day! I didn't have to wait/worry all day for when nada would say

something nasty or act like a nut. We had 5 total at the table, and kept the

conversation upbeat.

But my young adult children were bummed. They drove over to nada's to get the

pie, and noted that their granddad was not at all sick. My daughter was

embarrassed in front of her BF for having such socially inept grandparents.

I tallied it up: I bought a 22-lb turkey for 7, when I could have easily served

a 16-lb bird. I bought beer for fada, 2 different wines for nada, extra yams,

spinach and cranberry sauce. So I spent about $25 extra for 2 people that didn't

show.

My husband had to rebuild an old oak table in the garage large enough for 8,

buying wood for making a leaf to add. He probably spent $30 plus 2 hours in the

garage putting it all together. We would have simply used the smaller table had

we known they weren't coming.

The day after the holiday, I told my kids " I gave your grandparents a window to

show up, be normal and act like they wanted to be part of our family. They

couldn't do that. There will not be another opportunity extended. "

Nada sent me an email all victimy that day, " I hardly drink anymore. " she said,

and then described their " stone soup " Thanksgiving dinner. I not only didn't

respond, but I removed their email addresses from my contact list and I hope any

future correspondence she sends me goes to the spam folder.

I'd like to feel sorry for them, but its a wasted emotion. They are so busy

playing victim, and I am the protagonist in the story the tell family and

friends. If they accept any kindness from me, it ruins their story. I'm sure

they get lots of sympathy painting me the rejecting bitch. So be it.

Am I thinking wrong?

[Guest guest]

I don't think you are wrong. Nothing will probably change the

behaviour.

Steph

Working out all the emotions from

T-giving

I'm the one whose parents bailed at the last minute, saying fada

was ill. Boy, that made my day! I didn't have to wait/worry all

day for when nada would say something nasty or act like a nut.

We had 5 total at the table, and kept the conversation upbeat.

But my young adult children were bummed. They drove over to

nada's to get the pie, and noted that their granddad was not at

all sick. My daughter was embarrassed in front of her BF for

having such socially inept grandparents.

I tallied it up: I bought a 22-lb turkey for 7, when I could have

easily served a 16-lb bird. I bought beer for fada, 2 different

wines for nada, extra yams, spinach and cranberry sauce. So I

spent about $25 extra for 2 people that didn't show.

My husband had to rebuild an old oak table in the garage large

enough for 8, buying wood for making a leaf to add. He probably

spent $30 plus 2 hours in the garage putting it all together. We

would have simply used the smaller table had we known they

weren't coming.

The day after the holiday, I told my kids " I gave your

grandparents a window to show up, be normal and act like they

wanted to be part of our family. They couldn't do that. There

will not be another opportunity extended. "

Nada sent me an email all victimy that day, " I hardly drink

anymore. " she said, and then described their " stone soup "

Thanksgiving dinner. I not only didn't respond, but I removed

their email addresses from my contact list and I hope any future

correspondence she sends me goes to the spam folder.

I'd like to feel sorry for them, but its a wasted emotion. They

are so busy playing victim, and I am the protagonist in the story

the tell family and friends. If they accept any kindness from

me, it ruins their story. I'm sure they get lots of sympathy

painting me the rejecting bitch. So be it.

Am I thinking wrong?

------------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

No, you're not thinking wrong, at all!! They're infuriating.

Echo, I know that you probably spent a HUGE part of your life trying to talk

them out of their victim roles and trying to cheer them out of it, etc. I know I

did.

I am SO, SO done. I would have done *exactly* what you did.

In the past, if my parents didn't want to attend/do something, I would have

spent a lot of time and energy begging them to please, please reconsider, trying

to talk them out of it. They would just get this weird faraway, victimy look in

their eyes and dig their heels in.

Now?

You don't wanna come? 'Kay! No freaking sweat. See you on the flip side. I

have no more patience and my energy is better used elsewhere.

I remember once I threw a 40th party for my husband. Very expensive at a

beautiful restaurant. They knew about it for months and months. All the while

they kept telling me they'd let me know if they were coming. The week before,

they tell me they're not coming. I begged, blah blah. I was so crushed. And I

was upset at how bad it looked that my parents couldn't even wish my husband

well.

If they don't want to be part of the real world, that's fine.

You said it perfectly, if they accept any kindness from you, it ruins their

" poor me " narrative.

I am proud of you for the way you handled it. Perfect.

Fiona

>

> I'm the one whose parents bailed at the last minute, saying fada was ill. Boy,

that made my day! I didn't have to wait/worry all day for when nada would say

something nasty or act like a nut. We had 5 total at the table, and kept the

conversation upbeat.

>

> But my young adult children were bummed. They drove over to nada's to get the

pie, and noted that their granddad was not at all sick. My daughter was

embarrassed in front of her BF for having such socially inept grandparents.

>

> I tallied it up: I bought a 22-lb turkey for 7, when I could have easily

served a 16-lb bird. I bought beer for fada, 2 different wines for nada, extra

yams, spinach and cranberry sauce. So I spent about $25 extra for 2 people that

didn't show.

>

> My husband had to rebuild an old oak table in the garage large enough for 8,

buying wood for making a leaf to add. He probably spent $30 plus 2 hours in the

garage putting it all together. We would have simply used the smaller table had

we known they weren't coming.

>

> The day after the holiday, I told my kids " I gave your grandparents a window

to show up, be normal and act like they wanted to be part of our family. They

couldn't do that. There will not be another opportunity extended. "

>

> Nada sent me an email all victimy that day, " I hardly drink anymore. " she

said, and then described their " stone soup " Thanksgiving dinner. I not only

didn't respond, but I removed their email addresses from my contact list and I

hope any future correspondence she sends me goes to the spam folder.

>

> I'd like to feel sorry for them, but its a wasted emotion. They are so busy

playing victim, and I am the protagonist in the story the tell family and

friends. If they accept any kindness from me, it ruins their story. I'm sure

they get lots of sympathy painting me the rejecting bitch. So be it.

>

> Am I thinking wrong?

>