Re: the hardest thing right now

[Guest guest]

Yes, the holidays are the worst! But you are on the right track, and you are

naming this what it is: mourning.

Plan your boundaries, tell them to leave all their old stuff at home. My

grandnada used to send old meat over to my nada. I think that's a narcissistic

trait--thinking your old, expired stuff still has value.

>

> Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I need

> to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate confrontation.

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

The boundries are hard for me. I'm spent the last 30 years doing

it THEIR way. I HATE confrontation! It scares me because they

twist every thing, and I feel like I need to have an answer for

every thing. I get stressed and shut down. Have any of you

experienced this?

Is this the only support forum or are there others?

Steph

Re: the hardest thing right now

Yes, the holidays are the worst! But you are on the right track,

and you are naming this what it is: mourning.

Plan your boundaries, tell them to leave all their old stuff at

home. My grandnada used to send old meat over to my nada. I

think that's a narcissistic trait--thinking your old, expired

stuff still has value.

Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

reached their used by date, hubby told me.

My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

need

to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

confrontation.

Steph

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

[Guest guest]

You are right, but trying to emotionalally detach myself, I'm not

quite sure how.

Steph

Re: the hardest thing right now

It sounds to me like you are still very emotionally dependent on

your parents and siblings even though they are abusive to you;

you crave their acceptance and approval and will twist yourself

into knots and accept their abuse in order to get it. This is

just my own opinion, but it seems to me as though, if your family

of origin is angry at you, you are nothing, worthless, you cease

to exist.

That would make me afraid of confrontation too; it would be too

risky.

So, my own personal opinion is that when you are able to achieve

some emotional autonomy, if you can get to a point where you feel

you are a good and worthy person in your own eyes even if you are

not in your parents or siblings eyes, you will not be so afraid

of establishing reasonable adult boundaries with them, and you

will be able to assertively state that they need to treat you

with a minimum of respect and consideration.

They are the way they are, you have no power to make them change.

Your only real power and control is how you behave, meaning how

you react to them when they are abusive to you: you have the

power to change your own self.

I hope you will find a way that will work for you; there is no

one right way or best way to make changes in ourselves. But

we're here to offer the various methods and philosophies or

therapies that have worked for us, individually, and to cheer for

you and give you emotional support and validation on your journey

toward healing, peace, and joy.

-Annie

Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

reached their used by date, hubby told me.

My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

need

to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

confrontation.

Steph

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

[Guest guest]

Sometimes, being able to access repressed anger can help you achieve a more

emotionally detached state. Instead of being afraid of your parents or

siblings, you could try being angry at them. How *dare* they treat you like

garbage? Like you have no feelings, as though you are just a *thing*, not a

person?

Anger can be a self-protective and empowering emotion, but there is a caveat:

its not good to stay angry after its served its purpose to make you act to stand

up for yourself. Its a powerful weapon but it can start to feel safe inside the

anger; then its tempting to stay angry. But staying angry is as

self-destructive as staying fearful. We have to become emotionally mature and

be in control of our emotions instead of our emotions controlling us.

That's just a suggestion to think about. It may work for you, to try replacing

the fearfulness or the neediness with anger (righteous indignation) for as long

as it takes to achieve a healthier level of emotional autonomy and detachment.

-Annie

>

> Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> need

> to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> confrontation.

> Steph

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> Groups Links

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO

> NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> Groups Links

>

[Guest guest]

- emotional detachment is hard.

Years and years of living in a self-destructive pattern with your abusive family

does not go away over night.

Something that has helped me, especially when I am feeling pulled into the FOG

(fear, obligation, guilt) is my husband.

Just this weekend, there was some holiday drama, as I expected their would be.

I was so tormented emotionally over something, I was being pulled into old

reactions, and told my husband - " Help me, please - what do normal mothers do in

these situations? How do normal, healthy people react when X,Y,Z happens? "

He helped me step outside of my twisted family's box and his answer, which was

nothing really profound, helped me see the sad, abnormal, wacko behavior for

what it was.

Another thing that helped me was taking a break from the abuser. I didn't speak

with her for 2-3 weeks when I first realized she had BPD while I was processing

how she treated me, how I was reacting, etc.

I encourage you to do the same if you can. Just back away completely for a

while, post in here as much as you need to, get some SANE answers from SANE

people who have been there.

Its a slow process but Annie is right when she says you must realize what you

are worth. Just because they are your family doesn't give them the right to

emotionally/physically abuse you.

> >

> > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > need

> > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > confrontation.

> > Steph

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > Groups Links

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > Groups Links

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This happens to me all the time when I have contact with nada, my siblings and

MIL. I tend to shut down also because their aggression and meanness just still

can stop me in my tracts. I am working at being " medium chill " and not absorb

the negativity, but it is hard work.

This is the only site I have ever gone on for this.

>

> Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> need

> to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> confrontation.

> Steph

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO

> NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> Groups Links

>

[Guest guest]

How do you stop yourself from shutting down? At the moment, I'm

lc but know I will have to prob go nc soon. How to do it with

out shutting down?

Steph

Re: the hardest thing right now

This happens to me all the time when I have contact with nada, my

siblings and MIL. I tend to shut down also because their

aggression and meanness just still can stop me in my tracts. I

am working at being " medium chill " and not absorb the negativity,

but it is hard work.

This is the only site I have ever gone on for this.

Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

reached their used by date, hubby told me.

My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

need

to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

confrontation.

Steph

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for the advice. My dh works long hours and has

left it up to me to deal with them. Although he has written to

them in the past. My parents think he is controlling me, which

he isn't.

Anyway, Here is the latest situation which I'd like support and

advice on:

My sister is coming on the 12th of December. She has a son, and

she likes to see our kids. The problem is, I'm not sure I want

her alone with the kids. Although she hasn't directly caused

problems like my nade, she does report back to the family what

happens. That is why I'm not so sure it's go for my sister to be

alone with the kids. What do you think? Am I over reacting? She

wants to see them after school. There is also a park day on the

Saturday, which I'd already aggreed too, because there are lots

of other mothers and kids there. I can't go beci don't drive,

and there's limited space in her

[Guest guest]

Hi - first hugs, second, you are not overreacting and third, do

you have a T?

On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 11:09 PM, <mumwith2kids@...

> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Thank you all for the advice. My dh works long hours and has

> left it up to me to deal with them. Although he has written to

> them in the past. My parents think he is controlling me, which

> he isn't.

> Anyway, Here is the latest situation which I'd like support and

> advice on:

> My sister is coming on the 12th of December. She has a son, and

> she likes to see our kids. The problem is, I'm not sure I want

> her alone with the kids. Although she hasn't directly caused

> problems like my nade, she does report back to the family what

> happens. That is why I'm not so sure it's go for my sister to be

> alone with the kids. What do you think? Am I over reacting? She

> wants to see them after school. There is also a park day on the

> Saturday, which I'd already aggreed too, because there are lots

> of other mothers and kids there. I can't go beci don't drive,

> and there's limited space in her

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think its odd that your sister would want to come over for the sole purpose of

taking your kids off alone with her and her child to play at a park, leaving you

at home alone.

Maybe its just me, but that sounds so unfriendly and bizarre to me!

So if this were me, I'd say to the sister, " Come over for a visit, bring your

son, and we'll have a nice visit together here at my house while we watch the

kids play in the back yard (or the playroom, etc.). " That way, she doesn't get

to grill your children for juicy tidbits of gossip while out of your earshot.

Just my two cents' worth.

-Annie

>

> Thank you all for the advice. My dh works long hours and has

> left it up to me to deal with them. Although he has written to

> them in the past. My parents think he is controlling me, which

> he isn't.

> Anyway, Here is the latest situation which I'd like support and

> advice on:

> My sister is coming on the 12th of December. She has a son, and

> she likes to see our kids. The problem is, I'm not sure I want

> her alone with the kids. Although she hasn't directly caused

> problems like my nade, she does report back to the family what

> happens. That is why I'm not so sure it's go for my sister to be

> alone with the kids. What do you think? Am I over reacting? She

> wants to see them after school. There is also a park day on the

> Saturday, which I'd already aggreed too, because there are lots

> of other mothers and kids there. I can't go beci don't drive,

> and there's limited space in her

>

[Guest guest]

In the past, I found myself shutting down when I was caught between my nada's

expectations and my own desires. I knew if I didn't do what she expected all

hell would break lose and she would rant and rave at how awful I was and storm

out of the house. This situation " froze " me into inaction because I didn't have

the energy to face her because I knew she would bowl me over with venom, and I

didn't feel like standing up for myself because I knew it wouldn't do any good.

So I did nothing and hoped that the damage to me wouldn't be too bad. Fearing

for what would happen to me and wondering if she would kick me out of the family

because I was not being who she'd like me to be.

Unfortunately, that fear was real. I understood that if I didn't do as she said,

I would be attacked, shunned and talked about horribly. My nada is just nice

enough the rest of the time and can even be fun, that being thrown out of her

good graces feels scary, like being kicked out of a special club everyone wants

to be a part of. Spending time with her on her good days, when you are being the

person she wants you to be, is wonderful as we have much in common we like to

talk about.

So I become stuck and shut down when things are hard. About 5 years ago, I shut

down when she was staying at my house while she looked for a place to live.

Actually, I thought she was looking for a place to live, but she was quite

comfortable staying and living with me indefinitely while she ran my life.

During this time, my nada tried to control everyone else in the house as well,

and my husband and son grew tired of her methods. When I kindly suggested that

we look for an apartment for her, she took my words as rejection and she blew

up, telling me I was awful. She also dragged my then 17 year old son into it and

has not talked to him since. Unfortunately this was not the only time she came

to live with me while she looked for a place to live. The other time ended badly

as well.

So she left my house and sent awful letters after and didn't talk to me for at

least a year. All the fear that kept me in place over the years, the fear of

being cast out of the family came to be. It was awful and scary to be pushed out

of her special club and have my siblings follow suit, but guess what? I

survived! I also started to find myself and to hear my own true voice.

Since then I have tried to have a relationship with my nada but she always tries

to run those I care about into the ground. When I have concerns about something,

they don't matter. My nada never apologizes for anything. Never has. Never

considers that maybe what has happened between us is her fault in some way.

Nope, everything is always my fault. I am always the broken one.

Just recently, I have gone NC with my nada because I think it is the only way

for me to really figure things out. LC seems to let her still get into my life

and get under my skin and while I can maintain boundaries pretty well, I just

get tired of the constant struggle to hold up my hand up to deflect her

negativity towards all people and to know that in the back of her mind I am

somehow broken. I also find it hard to hear her talk positively about my sister

and brother whom are caught up in her spell while she talks badly about my dead

brother's daughter (my nada's grand daughter, whom lives with her mother, whom

my mom hates), other relatives, and my son.

So I am gone from her but still struggling with being OK with it. Still missing

the occasional fun times and feeling guilty that I have gone away and left her

alone. My nada doesn't have many friends because she feels everyone is flawed,

usually because she can't control them. But she can control my siblings so they

are in her good book and she has them for support. My youngest brother didn't

buy into my mom's ways and was an huge support to me when he was alive, but he

had to drink to keep himself sane in our crazy family (my father is a

Narcissist) and unfortunately died of alcoholism at 43. As I write all of this,

I can't believe it is my life I am writing about, it seems like such a sad, sad

story.

So I guess I have answered my own question I have been wondering about. If I

were to go back now...lacking in full understanding of my mother's problem, I'd

probably just end up where I left off. Being controlled somewhat and listening

to constant negativity. I need to be gone and to stand in the embrace of my

friends and family and let their love for me carry me through this. To heal. I

am in the process of reading a book on this subject and have ordered Lawson's

book from the library which will help me untangle all of this even more.

Thanks for listening and for your support,

Darcy

Darcy

> >

> > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > need

> > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > confrontation.

> > Steph

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > Groups Links

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh...I use my husband in this way all the time too! Because I don't

always trust my own reactions, wondering if they are skewed due to my past, I

simply ask my husband what he would do. Or I ask him to help me wade through

problems by stepping in when he can. It isn't that I am trying to operate from a

place of weakness, just that I am trying to learn how normal people would handle

things.

Darcy

> > >

> > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > need

> > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > confrontation.

> > > Steph

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > Groups Links

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > Groups Links

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

(((((Darcy)))))

Just letting you know that you are not alone, and to offer my emotional support

and validation in your journey. Many parts of your experience are uncannily

like my own. It IS a struggle to figure out, and a struggle to find ourselves

because my nada was not all bad all the time, either. She could be " good, fun,

thoughtful, supportive mom " sometimes and that made me so crave to have those

good times with her that I put up with being abused the rest of the time.

So, just saying " I hear you. "

-Annie

> > >

> > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > need

> > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > confrontation.

> > > Steph

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > Groups Links

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

Why fear being cast out of a family that is selfish, horrible, evil and

nasty?

Look at the wise words of Groucho Marx. He said that he would never join

a club that would accept him as a member. You should also be fussy about

which clubs you want to be a member of.

You are better off being independent and not belonging to any clubs at all

if the cost of membership is so high and you get very little in return.

Hugs,

Carmel

In a message dated 29/11/2011 16:51:50 GMT Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

(((((Darcy)))))

Just letting you know that you are not alone, and to offer my emotional

support and validation in your journey. Many parts of your experience are

uncannily like my own. It IS a struggle to figure out, and a struggle to find

ourselves because my nada was not all bad all the time, either. She could

be " good, fun, thoughtful, supportive mom " sometimes and that made me so

crave to have those good times with her that I put up with being abused the

rest of the time.

So, just saying " I hear you. "

-Annie

> > >

> > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > need

> > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > confrontation.

> > > Steph

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > _WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

(mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe )

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > Groups Links

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It would be as easy as you're making it sound, if the situation were completely

black, as in " black and white " thinking. If my nada had been abusive to me all

the time, or even 75% of the time, it would have been so much easier to detach

emotionally and have nothing to do with her at an earlier age. But my nada was

a " Jekyll and Hyde " . She was nice sometimes.

The sometimes nice/sometimes abusive behaviors behaviors are " intermittent

reinforcement " , which is the basis of gambling addiction. When you get a reward

*sometimes*, but you never know when, it causes the individual to keep trying,

keep trying, keep trying for that reward. Its also tied in with the " Stockholm

Syndrome " condition, which is when a person becomes super-glue bonded to an

individual who has total control over them and is sometimes nice but sometimes

life-threatening.

Its such an individual situation. Each of us has to decide what we can and

can't tolerate, because we each have our own level of resilience and our nada or

foo has its owl level of toxicity, plus other factors like financial dependence

or other dependence on the pd parents to consider.

But I agree with you that at some point, it becomes clear to each of us as an

individual that we simply can't or won't endure more of the chaos, more of the

roller-coaster up-and-down behaviors, more of the Jekyll and Hyde behaviors. We

each come to this point in our own way and in our own time, and we can choose to

deal with it or we can choose to wait, or we can choose to let things be:

whatever works best for the individual.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > > need

> > > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > > confrontation.

> > > > Steph

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ------------------------------------

> > > >

> > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > >

> > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > > _WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

> (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe )

> > > >

> > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > > Groups Links

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Anne,

Yes I understand, such things are not in black and white. But taking

control is half way there.

Making your own decisions gives you power. And it means you are no

longer a child but an adult in your own right. I do realise that what you say

in

essence is true and am not trying to find fault with you.

I went through a lot of problems with my mother. She could be nice and then

very nasty. I can remember people telling me never to speak to her when

they heard of some of the things she had done to me.

But as you say it was not black and white. But I am now a grown woman and

she can never do such things to me again.

I hope you find peace, hugs,

Carmel

In a message dated 29/11/2011 17:24:48 GMT Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

It would be as easy as you're making it sound, if the situation were

completely black, as in " black and white " thinking. If my nada had been abusive

to me all the time, or even 75% of the time, it would have been so much

easier to detach emotionally and have nothing to do with her at an earlier

age. But my nada was a " Jekyll and Hyde " . She was nice sometimes.

The sometimes nice/sometimes abusive behaviors behaviors are " intermittent

reinforcement " , which is the basis of gambling addiction. When you get a

reward *sometimes*, but you never know when, it causes the individual to

keep trying, keep trying, keep trying for that reward. Its also tied in with

the " Stockholm Syndrome " condition, which is when a person becomes

super-glue bonded to an individual who has total control over them and is

sometimes

nice but sometimes life-threatening.

Its such an individual situation. Each of us has to decide what we can and

can't tolerate, because we each have our own level of resilience and our

nada or foo has its owl level of toxicity, plus other factors like financial

dependence or other dependence on the pd parents to consider.

But I agree with you that at some point, it becomes clear to each of us as

an individual that we simply can't or won't endure more of the chaos, more

of the roller-coaster up-and-down behaviors, more of the Jekyll and Hyde

behaviors. We each come to this point in our own way and in our own time,

and we can choose to deal with it or we can choose to wait, or we can choose

to let things be: whatever works best for the individual.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > > need

> > > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > > confrontation.

> > > > Steph

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ------------------------------------

> > > >

> > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > >

> > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > > __WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

(mailto:_WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ) _

> (mailto:_WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

(mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ) )

> > > >

> > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > > Groups Links

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie for your thoughts and words. It helps to know that someone gets

what I have been going through....

> > > >

> > > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > > need

> > > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > > confrontation.

> > > > Steph

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ------------------------------------

> > > >

> > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > >

> > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > > WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > > >

> > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > > Groups Links

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think it was the fact that my nada was nice some of the time that really kept

me hooked and totally in a fog about what was wrong with her. I didn't know to

look for some mental health explanation because I assumed mental health issues

would feel worse than what I was dealing with. Of course, you only know what you

know as a young person and it isn't until you get older and compare stories with

others that you come to understand that your life has been different, harder. If

my nada would have been difficult all of the time, or more of the time, I

probably would have hit the road sooner.

A very telling moment for me recently was when I was sitting with a group of

women and we all got to talking about our childhoods...glowing stories of fun

times...until they got to me and I mentioned just a tad bit about my less than

fun childhood. It put a pall in the room that made me feel very

uncomfortable...that I had somehow ruined the track record of the group's

positive experiences. Thankfully, a woman from that same group, is the one who

told me about BPD which helped to start me on this path toward freedom...

Darcy

> > > > >

> > > > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > > > need

> > > > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > > > confrontation.

> > > > > Steph

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > ------------------------------------

> > > > >

> > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > > >

> > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > > > _WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

> > (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe )

> > > > >

> > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > > > Groups Links

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes you are so right. We tend - as children - to simply accept what is

happening without question. If things are awful we think that everyone else

is going through the same stuff too. Even if we realise that it is wrong or

unfair we are often not in a position to do anything because we are being

looked after by this abusive person. But as an adult we can walk away and

we can pay our bills and provide ourselves with a job, home, income, food

and this means that we not only get into the outside world and meet others

and can compare notes but we can also walk away because we do not need them

at all. Where this is difficult is when the NADA can be nice sometimes and

horrible at others. We long to see their nice side more and their nasty

side less. The truth is that many of these parents have personality

disorder, narcisistic, and do not really care about their offsprings' needs or

feelings. When they are nice it is because it suits them. If they wound they

do not care how much that hurts. To stay with someone means you know

that it is only a matter of time before they hurt again.

It is very much like the situation where a wife is with the abusive husband

who hits her and beats her up.

She is devasted and longs to see the return of the husband she thinks she

married and loves. He will promise her the earth. He may promise to go to

a therapist. Usually he simply promises never to hit her again. But of

course a day a week a month or a year later this all gets forgotten and he does

repeat his past behaviour.

The difference between this husband and the NADA is that the husband is

genuinely sorry when things go wrong. He really does care about his wife's

feelings and really is scared she will leave. The NADA will not accept she has

done wrong, she is too superior for that, you are in the wrong for

questioning her words and behaviour. I once tried to discuss with my mother

some

of the horrors she inflicted on me when I was too young to deal with it

properly. Instead of saying sorry or explaining it - or even recognising it

was wrong -

she attacked me for having the cheek to bring this up and insisted it had

never happened. The person who

is a sociapath will never feel guilt. Just like a burglar who is caught

robbing a house blames the police for his downfall when he is caught, not

himself for breaking the law.

Hugs, Carmel

In a message dated 29/11/2011 17:47:28 GMT Standard Time,

native.wildflower@... writes:

I think it was the fact that my nada was nice some of the time that really

kept me hooked and totally in a fog about what was wrong with her. I didn't

know to look for some mental health explanation because I assumed mental

health issues would feel worse than what I was dealing with. Of course, you

only know what you know as a young person and it isn't until you get older

and compare stories with others that you come to understand that your life

has been different, harder. If my nada would have been difficult all of the

time, or more of the time, I probably would have hit the road sooner.

A very telling moment for me recently was when I was sitting with a group

of women and we all got to talking about our childhoods...glowing stories

of fun times...until they got to me and I mentioned just a tad bit about my

less than fun childhood. It put a pall in the room that made me feel very

uncomfortable...that I had somehow ruined the track record of the group's

positive experiences. Thankfully, a woman from that same group, is the one

who told me about BPD which helped to start me on this path toward freedom...

Darcy

> > > > >

> > > > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > > > need

> > > > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > > > confrontation.

> > > > > Steph

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > ------------------------------------

> > > > >

> > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > > >

> > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > > > __WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

(mailto:_WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ) _

> > (mailto:_WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

(mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ) )

> > > > >

> > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > > > Groups Links

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Carmel,

I agree, finding your own power is the key to finding peace. What really began

to give me power is when I compared how I felt around my FOO versus how I felt

around friends and extended family who cared about me unconditionally. My FOO

made me feel worthless and broken, my friends/extended family made me feel

worthwhile and loved. Those that cared for me in a meaningful way showed me

that I did have value at a time that I couldn't find that worth myself. Hearing

loving people tell you how good you are or how helpful you are helps to erase

the pain of being told otherwise. Feeing good about myself allowed me to become

more powerful, thus finding the ability to stand up to my nada and work to

further find my true authentic self.

> > > > >

> > > > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > > > need

> > > > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > > > confrontation.

> > > > > Steph

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > ------------------------------------

> > > > >

> > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > > >

> > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > > > __WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

> (mailto:_WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ) _

> > (mailto:_WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

> (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ) )

> > > > >

> > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > > > Groups Links

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly; that is why children are so abjectly and pitifully vulnerable to being

abused by their parents: because a child has no way of knowing that how they are

treated is actually abusive, cruel or negligent. However your own mother treats

you IS your " normal. "

When I was growing up, my " normal " was that my mom was very nice and even

charming around other people, particularly other adults; she only raged at me

and hit me and terrorized me when we were alone together (well, me and my little

Sister, alone with nada. Nada would treat us better when dad was around, or

she'd focus on him, on relating to him or be raging and screaming at him,

instead of at us.)

So I came to believe that when I visited other families for sleep-overs, the

families of my friends and relatives, that they were all being nice to each

other only because I was there, and that when I left the parents would rage and

scream at their children and hit them and punish them for thing's they'd said or

done during my visit, because that's the way it was at my house.

I was completely " broken " , referring to having my will broken as a child &

became completely enmeshed with my nada and dad emotionally into adulthood; I

had no adult social life to speak of until I was in my mid-30's. Very

unhealthy. I'm glad they finally chose to move across the country from me when

I was about 33; otherwise I'd probably have remained deeply enmeshed even now.

-Annie

>

> I think it was the fact that my nada was nice some of the time that really

kept me hooked and totally in a fog about what was wrong with her. I didn't know

to look for some mental health explanation because I assumed mental health

issues would feel worse than what I was dealing with. Of course, you only know

what you know as a young person and it isn't until you get older and compare

stories with others that you come to understand that your life has been

different, harder. If my nada would have been difficult all of the time, or more

of the time, I probably would have hit the road sooner.

>

> A very telling moment for me recently was when I was sitting with a group of

women and we all got to talking about our childhoods...glowing stories of fun

times...until they got to me and I mentioned just a tad bit about my less than

fun childhood. It put a pall in the room that made me feel very

uncomfortable...that I had somehow ruined the track record of the group's

positive experiences. Thankfully, a woman from that same group, is the one who

told me about BPD which helped to start me on this path toward freedom...

>

> Darcy

[Guest guest]

The Stockholm syndrome is similar. The important thing is that you are free

to be happy and at peace now.

In a message dated 29/11/2011 18:10:34 GMT Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Exactly; that is why children are so abjectly and pitifully vulnerable to

being abused by their parents: because a child has no way of knowing that

how they are treated is actually abusive, cruel or negligent. However your

own mother treats you IS your " normal. "

When I was growing up, my " normal " was that my mom was very nice and even

charming around other people, particularly other adults; she only raged at

me and hit me and terrorized me when we were alone together (well, me and

my little Sister, alone with nada. Nada would treat us better when dad was

around, or she'd focus on him, on relating to him or be raging and screaming

at him, instead of at us.)

So I came to believe that when I visited other families for sleep-overs,

the families of my friends and relatives, that they were all being nice to

each other only because I was there, and that when I left the parents would

rage and scream at their children and hit them and punish them for thing's

they'd said or done during my visit, because that's the way it was at my

house.

I was completely " broken " , referring to having my will broken as a child &

became completely enmeshed with my nada and dad emotionally into

adulthood; I had no adult social life to speak of until I was in my mid-30's.

Very

unhealthy. I'm glad they finally chose to move across the country from me

when I was about 33; otherwise I'd probably have remained deeply enmeshed

even now.

-Annie

>

> I think it was the fact that my nada was nice some of the time that

really kept me hooked and totally in a fog about what was wrong with her. I

didn't know to look for some mental health explanation because I assumed

mental health issues would feel worse than what I was dealing with. Of course,

you only know what you know as a young person and it isn't until you get

older and compare stories with others that you come to understand that your

life has been different, harder. If my nada would have been difficult all of

the time, or more of the time, I probably would have hit the road sooner.

>

> A very telling moment for me recently was when I was sitting with a

group of women and we all got to talking about our childhoods...glowing stories

of fun times...until they got to me and I mentioned just a tad bit about

my less than fun childhood. It put a pall in the room that made me feel very

uncomfortable...that I had somehow ruined the track record of the group's

positive experiences. Thankfully, a woman from that same group, is the one

who told me about BPD which helped to start me on this path toward

freedom...

>

> Darcy

[Guest guest]

My nada exhibited bizarrely contradictory behaviors sometimes after having what

I call a " rage-tantrum " at me, when I was growing up.

Sometimes after a screaming, red-faced, spittle-flying rage (that would usually

include physical assault, such as slapping me, shaking me, spanking me or even

hitting me with dad's belt) my nada would break down into blubbering sobs and

beg for forgiveness.

Just like a wife-beater, she'd say she was so, so sorry and promise tearfully to

not do that again, and I was expected to go to her and comfort her, despite my

own pain, fear, shock, bewilderment and repressed outrage. I and my little

Sister learned that if we did not comfort nada as she requested, she might just

trigger right into another screaming rage. So we had to ignore and suppress our

own traumatized feelings and comfort our abuser. And we learned that our nada's

promises to not hurt us again, meant nothing.

But at other times, after a red-faced terrorizing rage-tantrum, my nada would be

all perky and cheerful as though nothing unusual had just happened, and she'd

ignore me as I lay curled up on the floor, shaking and trying not to cry. Very

surreal. That was my cue to also pretend as though nothing traumatic had just

happened to me. If I cried or showed my hurt feelings, guess what? I could get

raged at again right then and there.

Each of our nada-experiences is different. There are behaviors that are

uncannily similar from nada to nada, and some behaviors overlap from nada to

nada, but each individual person with bpd has it to a different degree, and may

or may not have co-morbid mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, a psychotic

disorder like schizophrenia, or other personalty disorders that will cause the

individual nada to have her own distinct dysfunctional behaviors.

I recently read a paper about researchers who were testing the theory that

borderline pd is the female expression of psychopathy. In my own case, meaning

in my nada's case, that line of theoretical supposition makes a lot of sense to

me. I will be very, very interested to read more research papers and more

studies about this theory that borderline pd is how psychopathy manifests in

women.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Is feeling like I lost my family. I mourn the family I don't

> > > > > > have, the family that could be, and the family that isn't. The

> > > > > > mother and stepfather who don't respect me. The fact that I

> > > > > > found out that they have been sending gifts to us that have

> > > > > > reached their used by date, hubby told me.

> > > > > > My sister is coming to see the kids on the 12th December. I

> > > > > > need

> > > > > > to set some boundries, like not overnights, i hate

> > > > > > confrontation.

> > > > > > Steph

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > ------------------------------------

> > > > > >

> > > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> > > > > > The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> > > > > > New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> > > > > > www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO

> > > > > > NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> > > > > > __WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

> (mailto:_WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ) _

> > > (mailto:_WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe _

> (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe ) )

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> > > > > > and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> > > > > > Groups Links

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> > >

> >

>

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>

[Guest guest]

Yes, for sure; I mentioned Stockholm Syndrome in my earlier post to you,

#136399.

We are on the same wavelength!

-Annie

> >

> > I think it was the fact that my nada was nice some of the time that

> really kept me hooked and totally in a fog about what was wrong with her. I

> didn't know to look for some mental health explanation because I assumed

> mental health issues would feel worse than what I was dealing with. Of

course,

> you only know what you know as a young person and it isn't until you get

> older and compare stories with others that you come to understand that your

> life has been different, harder. If my nada would have been difficult all of

> the time, or more of the time, I probably would have hit the road sooner.

> >

> > A very telling moment for me recently was when I was sitting with a

> group of women and we all got to talking about our childhoods...glowing

stories

> of fun times...until they got to me and I mentioned just a tad bit about

> my less than fun childhood. It put a pall in the room that made me feel very

> uncomfortable...that I had somehow ruined the track record of the group's

> positive experiences. Thankfully, a woman from that same group, is the one

> who told me about BPD which helped to start me on this path toward

> freedom...

> >

> > Darcy

>

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[Guest guest]

I don't have a t at this time. Because I have 3 small children,

it not really possible.

Steph

Re: Re: the hardest thing right now

Hi - first hugs, second, you are not overreacting and

third, do

you have a T?

On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 11:09 PM,

<mumwith2kids@...

wrote:

**

Thank you all for the advice. My dh works long hours and has

left it up to me to deal with them. Although he has written to

them in the past. My parents think he is controlling me, which

he isn't.

Anyway, Here is the latest situation which I'd like support and

advice on:

My sister is coming on the 12th of December. She has a son, and

she likes to see our kids. The problem is, I'm not sure I want

her alone with the kids. Although she hasn't directly caused

problems like my nade, she does report back to the family what

happens. That is why I'm not so sure it's go for my sister to

be

alone with the kids. What do you think? Am I over reacting? She

wants to see them after school. There is also a park day on the

Saturday, which I'd already aggreed too, because there are lots

of other mothers and kids there. I can't go beci don't drive,

and there's limited space in her