Re: the hardest thing right now

[Guest guest]

She will be seeing friends so it's not just about me.

The park day is with a group of moms that she knows.

Steph

Re: the hardest thing right now

I think its odd that your sister would want to come over for the

sole purpose of taking your kids off alone with her and her

child to play at a park, leaving you at home alone.

Maybe its just me, but that sounds so unfriendly and bizarre to

me!

So if this were me, I'd say to the sister, " Come over for a

visit, bring your son, and we'll have a nice visit together here

at my house while we watch the kids play in the back yard (or the

playroom, etc.). " That way, she doesn't get to grill your

children for juicy tidbits of gossip while out of your earshot.

Just my two cents' worth.

-Annie

Thank you all for the advice. My dh works long hours and has

left it up to me to deal with them. Although he has written to

them in the past. My parents think he is controlling me, which

he isn't.

Anyway, Here is the latest situation which I'd like support and

advice on:

My sister is coming on the 12th of December. She has a son, and

she likes to see our kids. The problem is, I'm not sure I want

her alone with the kids. Although she hasn't directly caused

problems like my nade, she does report back to the family what

happens. That is why I'm not so sure it's go for my sister to

be

alone with the kids. What do you think? Am I over reacting? She

wants to see them after school. There is also a park day on the

Saturday, which I'd already aggreed too, because there are lots

of other mothers and kids there. I can't go beci don't drive,

and there's limited space in her

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

[Guest guest]

For me, the main issue would be assessing any danger to your kids. How old are

the kids; are they so young they need to be watched every second? Do you

believe they will be safe with your sister? Do you feel that if they are alone

with her there is a threat of emotional damage to them or physical abuse? Is

she attentive or negligent? If there is no danger in the equation, then, I

guess its just a matter of your own comfort level and personal preference.

Aside from assessing the danger factor, there is no right or wrong choice, its

just about what feels doable and tolerable to YOU.

-Annie

>

> Thank you all for the advice. My dh works long hours and has

> left it up to me to deal with them. Although he has written to

> them in the past. My parents think he is controlling me, which

> he isn't.

> Anyway, Here is the latest situation which I'd like support and

> advice on:

> My sister is coming on the 12th of December. She has a son, and

> she likes to see our kids. The problem is, I'm not sure I want

> her alone with the kids. Although she hasn't directly caused

> problems like my nade, she does report back to the family what

> happens. That is why I'm not so sure it's go for my sister to

> be

> alone with the kids. What do you think? Am I over reacting? She

> wants to see them after school. There is also a park day on the

> Saturday, which I'd already aggreed too, because there are lots

> of other mothers and kids there. I can't go beci don't drive,

> and there's limited space in her

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO

> NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> Groups Links

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Darcy, we need to be able to compare our stories and find out we are not

alone.

And also find out that some families really do behave the same way whether folks

are sleeping over or not. My nada actually told me that all families hide their

worst stuff from outsiders!

I think it was being around other kids parents in high school that made me

realize a lot of parents were at least trying to be real to their kids, even

expressing feelings openly and sanely, to understand it was crazy at my house!

You said the following a little later in the thread and I wanted to share my

agreement. I have gone almost no contact with nada, and I find that it is much

more of a challenge than going no-contact. I have a lot more work to do now,

than I did in the six months I had virtually no contact with her in 2010.

But I also must say this. I live across country from my nada. Had I lived

closer, I would echo what you said. I would have been controlled and never have

had the ability to have family and friends carry me through the discovery of her

BPD back in fall of '08.

I really value our list here, but the fact that I found support outside my

family and moved far away... helped me to become the person I am and to do a lot

of the healing recommended by the Stop Walking on Eggshells book, before I ever

read the book.

Reading the book was an eye-opener, to be sure... but it validated how much

recovery I had already done on my own.

Being here has helped me to make a greater commitment to myself and relieve

myself of a sense of " survivor's " guilt. My mom has a good side (though now that

I am aware of how she projects her stuff on me, she is rarely nice now!) As a

child and adult, I had this nagging feeling there was something I could or

should do to save my mom from her thinking and help her change back into a good

mommy. Then I finally realized she would rather destroy ME than admit there

was anything that she could do differently to help our relationship. Oh, of

course, there was plenty wrong but it was MY fault.

I got tired of that, just as you are. I applaud your courage. Keep moving

forward with the support of people who love you and you will find the rainbow

already inside of you. When I find mine, I hope to share it, with the family

who love me, first.

" So I guess I have answered my own question I have been wondering

> about.

> > If I were to go back now...lacking in full understanding of my mother's

> > problem, I'd probably just end up where I left off. Being controlled

> somewhat

> > and listening to constant negativity. I need to be gone and to stand in

> the

> > embrace of my friends and family and let their love for me carry me

> > through this. To heal. "