struggling

November 28, 2011

Hi Friends,

I'm having a hard winter.

I was laid off from my job about 5 weeks ago. I'm doing ok and I have

freelance and I have health insurance for the time being. i also have a job

interview tomorrow for a job that sounds exciting, at least on the outside.

My bigger priority is that my grad school applications (8 of them) are due

beginning in a month. And I take the GRE in 18 days. These things are

really challenging and balancing them with trying to earn enough income to

pay my bills, and take care of my physical body is about everything I have

to give.

My T was very sick and hospitalized for 3 weeks beginning the week I was

laid off. When I saw her, she seemed to keep the conversation focused on my

relationship with my boyfriend. I have had a difficult time with him for

the past 3 or 4 months. First of all, he hasn't done any work on himself

while I've detailed every inch of my mind. Secondly, he is a buffoon when

it comes to housework, cooking and just basic stuff you do to keep yourself

alive. He's been great support for me emotionally, but I have changed in

therapy and I don't need to have my abused psyche propped up as often. What

I do need, however, is a partner who can go to the store (alone), buy a

sack of dogfood (the correct kind) and bring it home with minimal drama and

without needing me to spend the next 2 hours congratulating him. My

boyfriend can't do this type of stuff. I think maybe he can. . . but lets

just say that he doesn't. I even wonder if the fact that I NEED him to do

this stuff makes him unable to do it - he seems to be collapsing under the

pressure - of - yes,buying a sack of dog food, or fill in any blank you

want.

Anyway, My T's advice has been for me to coax, stroke and baby my

boyfriend's ego nonstop. I don't think this is bad advice - I have been

very hard on him, critical, accusatory and annoyed. BUT I don't want to. I

am under so much pressure right now, I don't want to take time away from

what I am doing to baby him! So I have been dogging my T a little bit - it

hasn't been hard because my schedule is effing overflowing.

So, I've talked to my boyfriend about this and he is trying to be more

self-reliant and more helpful. He knows that if he puts additional demands

on me right now I willl simply leave until after my deadlines are met. I

know its not the ideal solution - but I'm doing everything I can. And for

him - or my T- to ask me to be less goal oriented - well, that's never

going to happen. That just isn't me.

Anyway, so every day I get up early and push myself every second until I

collapse. After I'm exhausted, my boyfriend typically follows me into my

bedroom and then just sits there staring at me or at the wall, or he might

lay flat on his face on the bed for 20 - 30 min while muttering about

things he still has left to do. Or worst, he follows me and then starts

adding to my to do list when I am totally exhausted, asking me to do this

or that. Or even follows me around wanting to talk about Christmas presents

he is planning for me. I have told him a 100 times I don't have time to

worry about Christmas this year, at least not until after I take the GRE. I

even had to cancel our Christmas vacation because I have no job and I need

the time to work on my applications.

Anyway, I'm sharing this because I've started to feel like I " M the one with

BPD. I yell at him. I lose my temper. I feel satanic and evil, unkind,

uncaring, selfish. . . you name it. For whatever reason, he can't look at

this as " Girlscout has a series of important deadlines between now and

January 1, I will be helpful and not demanding until these deadlines are

behind her. "

Honestly, two nights ago I closed down a HUGE event I did as a freelancer

for my old work. I came home totally drained, and sad, thinking it was the

end of an era. I may never do anything like it again for the group I worked

for for FIVE YEARS. He followed me around the house staring at me and then

prattling about Christmas and then finally gave me a list of things he

needed me to do for my own Christmas present (its a poster, I need to write

the words for it - I don't need it until mid January. We have had this

fucking conversation a hundred times. He even started the conversation by

saying " I'm sure this is a bad time to bring this up, but. . . . " ).

Anyway, I totally lost it.

Am I just like my mother? Sometimes I just want to move as far away from

him as I can because when I'm with him I feel like I'm the nada. . . . I

know, you are going to say I need to set clear boundaries - I have. That I

need to explain how I feel - I have. He left me alone last night - but it

seems we are on about a 10 day cycle. Every 10 days I have a huge blow up

at him, and his neediness will level off and then increase until I blow up

again. It sucks, its exhausting, and I really feel like its all me and like

I am satan incarnate.

November 28, 2011

((hugs)) I wish I had advice for you, GS, but mostly just wanted to let you

know that you're awesome.

Back in marriage prep for my marriage, this was said in jest a couple of

times (the prep spanned months...yay for Catholic marriage prep

requirements?) but I think it's pretty true.

Men expect women to stay the same, and are surprised when they change.

Often. We women tend to try new things--new haircuts, new purses, new

activities. Not saying all women are like that, but a fair number are.

Women expect men to change, and are surprised when they don't change. They

find something they like, or a pattern of life that works, and they tend to

stick with it. If they do change, it's a slooow process or happens when

something big happens, like moving to a new town or something.

It sounds like you've been changing, working on bettering yourself, finding

a path in life that works for you, but your guy acts like he prefers his

way of life--it's worked well enough so far for him.

Your relationship with him worked well so far, but now that you're

embarking on a pretty big change yourself, he seems a bit afraid of that

and is clinging to you...to your old you. I think your T is right to try to

talk about your relationship with your guy, though I don't blame you for

dodging those conversations!

Why does your T think your guy needs to be coaxed and is in need of more

patience? He sounds super depressed...is he on meds? He definitely sounds

like he's ill...mentally ill, like a long-running flu or something. If he's

making an effort to take care of himself, and just needs a little support,

then I suppose you could schedule in some couple time. But if he's not

making an effort, then you may need to reevaluate what you need in a

relationship, and see if your current relationship fits your needs. If not,

then it's up to you both to decide if and how you want to work the kinks

out.

Good luck on your interview, grad school applications, and the GRE!

(hugs) again

On Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 8:58 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> **

>

> Hi Friends,

>

> I'm having a hard winter.

>

> I was laid off from my job about 5 weeks ago. I'm doing ok and I have

> freelance and I have health insurance for the time being. i also have a job

> interview tomorrow for a job that sounds exciting, at least on the outside.

>

> My bigger priority is that my grad school applications (8 of them) are due

> beginning in a month. And I take the GRE in 18 days. These things are

> really challenging and balancing them with trying to earn enough income to

> pay my bills, and take care of my physical body is about everything I have

> to give.

>

> My T was very sick and hospitalized for 3 weeks beginning the week I was

> laid off. When I saw her, she seemed to keep the conversation focused on my

> relationship with my boyfriend. I have had a difficult time with him for

> the past 3 or 4 months. First of all, he hasn't done any work on himself

> while I've detailed every inch of my mind. Secondly, he is a buffoon when

> it comes to housework, cooking and just basic stuff you do to keep yourself

> alive. He's been great support for me emotionally, but I have changed in

> therapy and I don't need to have my abused psyche propped up as often. What

> I do need, however, is a partner who can go to the store (alone), buy a

> sack of dogfood (the correct kind) and bring it home with minimal drama and

> without needing me to spend the next 2 hours congratulating him. My

> boyfriend can't do this type of stuff. I think maybe he can. . . but lets

> just say that he doesn't. I even wonder if the fact that I NEED him to do

> this stuff makes him unable to do it - he seems to be collapsing under the

> pressure - of - yes,buying a sack of dog food, or fill in any blank you

> want.

>

> Anyway, My T's advice has been for me to coax, stroke and baby my

> boyfriend's ego nonstop. I don't think this is bad advice - I have been

> very hard on him, critical, accusatory and annoyed. BUT I don't want to. I

> am under so much pressure right now, I don't want to take time away from

> what I am doing to baby him! So I have been dogging my T a little bit - it

> hasn't been hard because my schedule is effing overflowing.

>

> So, I've talked to my boyfriend about this and he is trying to be more

> self-reliant and more helpful. He knows that if he puts additional demands

> on me right now I willl simply leave until after my deadlines are met. I

> know its not the ideal solution - but I'm doing everything I can. And for

> him - or my T- to ask me to be less goal oriented - well, that's never

> going to happen. That just isn't me.

>

> Anyway, so every day I get up early and push myself every second until I

> collapse. After I'm exhausted, my boyfriend typically follows me into my

> bedroom and then just sits there staring at me or at the wall, or he might

> lay flat on his face on the bed for 20 - 30 min while muttering about

> things he still has left to do. Or worst, he follows me and then starts

> adding to my to do list when I am totally exhausted, asking me to do this

> or that. Or even follows me around wanting to talk about Christmas presents

> he is planning for me. I have told him a 100 times I don't have time to

> worry about Christmas this year, at least not until after I take the GRE. I

> even had to cancel our Christmas vacation because I have no job and I need

> the time to work on my applications.

>

> Anyway, I'm sharing this because I've started to feel like I " M the one with

> BPD. I yell at him. I lose my temper. I feel satanic and evil, unkind,

> uncaring, selfish. . . you name it. For whatever reason, he can't look at

> this as " Girlscout has a series of important deadlines between now and

> January 1, I will be helpful and not demanding until these deadlines are

> behind her. "

>

> Honestly, two nights ago I closed down a HUGE event I did as a freelancer

> for my old work. I came home totally drained, and sad, thinking it was the

> end of an era. I may never do anything like it again for the group I worked

> for for FIVE YEARS. He followed me around the house staring at me and then

> prattling about Christmas and then finally gave me a list of things he

> needed me to do for my own Christmas present (its a poster, I need to write

> the words for it - I don't need it until mid January. We have had this

> fucking conversation a hundred times. He even started the conversation by

> saying " I'm sure this is a bad time to bring this up, but. . . . " ).

>

> Anyway, I totally lost it.

>

> Am I just like my mother? Sometimes I just want to move as far away from

> him as I can because when I'm with him I feel like I'm the nada. . . . I

> know, you are going to say I need to set clear boundaries - I have. That I

> need to explain how I feel - I have. He left me alone last night - but it

> seems we are on about a 10 day cycle. Every 10 days I have a huge blow up

> at him, and his neediness will level off and then increase until I blow up

> again. It sucks, its exhausting, and I really feel like its all me and like

> I am satan incarnate.

>

November 28, 2011

I feel for your frustration, but don't have any good insights to offer you.

Your long-time therapist knows you best and has been a good guide for you in the

past, so, I guess I'd suggest that you keep trying to follow her advice for the

time being. If after really applying her approach, sincerely, for a few

months and it just doesn't work for you, then think about trying something

different.

Best of luck to you; career transitions are a stressful time. Stress can make a

person short-tempered and nada-like. And it may help to not be so busy and

distracted that it makes you easily upset; get some relaxation time in there too

to reduce the stress levels. Maybe think about delaying your graduate school

plans until next year when your job/income situation stabilizes. Just a

possibility to consider. Graduate school will still be there later, right?

-Annie