Permanent anxiety and worry anyone?

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

I had a realization a little while ago that I am in a permanent state of

low-level anxiety/worry. All of these worries seem to relate in some way to the

possibility that I have 'done something wrong' 'upset someone' 'said the wrong

thing' 'been inconsiderate etc etc.' I spend a lot of time analysing my

behaviour in my head and trying to work out whether it was 'acceptable'

'reasonable' 'normal.' Anything from sending an email to a friend (was I too

'short'? Did I forget to ask about her Dad's illness? Did I take too long to get

back to her? Is she angry with me now?) to trying to assert myself at work (was

I too assertive? Are people going to think I'm aggressive? was I being

unreasonable and inflexible?)

These worries sort of go on all the time, and sometimes they grow enormous and

'turn into reality' in some kind of way. It's like I have a dawning realisation

that I was really horrible to someone and therefore I must be a horrible person

etc. etc. Then I get depressed.

Thinking about it, it seems to make sense to me that someone who grew up with a

BPD parent would have this kind of continual worry - when I was growing up, my

mum would explode into crazy rages and accuse me of being an awful daughter,

selfish, uncaring etc, because I'd left a cup in the living room / not danced a

happy dance when she got in from work (to quote a previous emailer - LOVE that

expression by the way) / disagreed with her about something as mundane as not

liking the weather that day etc.

So, and following extensive discussion with my therapist, I am coming to realise

that my permanent worry is likely to be related to growing up with a BDP mother.

Why wouldn't I be anxious about upsetting people all the time when as a child I

kept breaking imaginary rules that I could never work out in advance and then

being emotionally abused as a result.

But that realisation isn't, as yet, helping me stop worrying all the time. I

wondered if anyone else had a similar worrying thing? And how they'd managed to

address it?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

Sara

[Guest guest]

Yes, this is a pattern in my life too! If times are good I am always waiting for

bad things to happen. I worry that plans will not go as intended. It is even

worse when I have to rely on others to complete their part or when I have to do

several pieces in a row--a traffic jam can literally cause me to hyperventilate

if I have to be somewhere. Did I forget to mail something? Did I forget an

appointment?

Then when I actually do screw something up, I feel horrible and guilt ridden,

way beyond any normal reaction.

This ties back into the belief that if we are just *perfect* in every way, the

BPD/dysfunctional person in our life will finally love us and be happy. We are

taking on the responsibility of the world spinning correctly, which is really

beyond our control. We have to take a deep breath and let go--it will all work

out as it should, or not.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie speaks to this pattern of learned

behavior, if you haven't read it yet.

>

> Hello All,

>

> I had a realization a little while ago that I am in a permanent state of

low-level anxiety/worry. All of these worries seem to relate in some way to the

possibility that I have 'done something wrong' 'upset someone' 'said the wrong

thing' 'been inconsiderate etc etc.' I spend a lot of time analysing my

behaviour in my head and trying to work out whether it was 'acceptable'

'reasonable' 'normal.' Anything from sending an email to a friend (was I too

'short'? Did I forget to ask about her Dad's illness? Did I take too long to get

back to her? Is she angry with me now?) to trying to assert myself at work (was

I too assertive? Are people going to think I'm aggressive? was I being

unreasonable and inflexible?)

>

> These worries sort of go on all the time, and sometimes they grow enormous and

'turn into reality' in some kind of way. It's like I have a dawning realisation

that I was really horrible to someone and therefore I must be a horrible person

etc. etc. Then I get depressed.

>

> Thinking about it, it seems to make sense to me that someone who grew up with

a BPD parent would have this kind of continual worry - when I was growing up, my

mum would explode into crazy rages and accuse me of being an awful daughter,

selfish, uncaring etc, because I'd left a cup in the living room / not danced a

happy dance when she got in from work (to quote a previous emailer - LOVE that

expression by the way) / disagreed with her about something as mundane as not

liking the weather that day etc.

>

> So, and following extensive discussion with my therapist, I am coming to

realise that my permanent worry is likely to be related to growing up with a BDP

mother. Why wouldn't I be anxious about upsetting people all the time when as a

child I kept breaking imaginary rules that I could never work out in advance and

then being emotionally abused as a result.

>

> But that realisation isn't, as yet, helping me stop worrying all the time. I

wondered if anyone else had a similar worrying thing? And how they'd managed to

address it?

>

> Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

>

> Sara

>

[Guest guest]

Sara,

It isn't just us who have these " pleasing people " worries all the time; it was

also our BPD moms!!!

I really think this behavior is learned. When I was growing up, I think I

wasn't observant enough to notice how nada scanned people all the time, but

later on in adolescence I saw it: the constant overfocus on the other person.

You could just see her zeroing in, watching the other person: " Is this person

looking at me they way they should if they really liked me? Hugging me the way

they would if they really loved me? Talking to me enough? Drawing me out

enough? Giving me enough talk time? Acknowledging that I'm there? " and on and

on. And if Nada didn't feel properly paid attention to, it would start on the

way home: " Boy, so and so just ignored me. It was like I wasn't even there. "

" Boy, so and so just hogged the conversation all night. " " So and so gave me a

dirty look...made fun of how I cut the cherry tomatoes and I felt so bad! So

and so treated me like I was stupid... " Blah, blah, blahblahblahblah. (Cue

Charlie Brown's teacher.)

When I was in my teens, I was able to observe her doing it. But it was a while

before I was old enough to understand that, no, not *everybody* was talking

about me all the time; no, just because I had " heels " on (all of half an inch)

and was wearing a dress didn't mean anybody at all cared that I didn't sit

perfectly in a chair or that I sat on the floor; that nobody, and I mean nobody,

cared how I rolled down the top of a paper lunch bag or that I hung pants on the

clothesline by the waist instead of the legs.

We absorb this stuff, we really do. How far back does this stuff go? I mean, I

totally absorbed nada's fear of driving. When I first started driving, every

single little noise, every single little abnormality of the pavement under the

tires meant SOMETHING WAS WRONG, and IT WAS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE. It was a

while before I figured out that driving wasn't this big scary thing I had always

been told it was, because I was so isolated with nada that HER POINT OF VIEW ON

ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING was my point of view, too, or else I got yelled and

screamed at.

We are trained well, we children of BPD's...

--LL.

[Guest guest]

I think of it more as " brainwashing " . We are brainwashed to believe that a

severely mentally ill person's view of things is " normal. "

-Annie

>

> Sara,

>

> It isn't just us who have these " pleasing people " worries all the time; it was

also our BPD moms!!!

>

> I really think this behavior is learned. When I was growing up, I think I

wasn't observant enough to notice how nada scanned people all the time, but

later on in adolescence I saw it: the constant overfocus on the other person.

You could just see her zeroing in, watching the other person: " Is this person

looking at me they way they should if they really liked me? Hugging me the way

they would if they really loved me? Talking to me enough? Drawing me out

enough? Giving me enough talk time? Acknowledging that I'm there? " and on and

on. And if Nada didn't feel properly paid attention to, it would start on the

way home: " Boy, so and so just ignored me. It was like I wasn't even there. "

" Boy, so and so just hogged the conversation all night. " " So and so gave me a

dirty look...made fun of how I cut the cherry tomatoes and I felt so bad! So

and so treated me like I was stupid... " Blah, blah, blahblahblahblah. (Cue

Charlie Brown's teacher.)

>

> When I was in my teens, I was able to observe her doing it. But it was a

while before I was old enough to understand that, no, not *everybody* was

talking about me all the time; no, just because I had " heels " on (all of half an

inch) and was wearing a dress didn't mean anybody at all cared that I didn't sit

perfectly in a chair or that I sat on the floor; that nobody, and I mean nobody,

cared how I rolled down the top of a paper lunch bag or that I hung pants on the

clothesline by the waist instead of the legs.

>

> We absorb this stuff, we really do. How far back does this stuff go? I mean,

I totally absorbed nada's fear of driving. When I first started driving, every

single little noise, every single little abnormality of the pavement under the

tires meant SOMETHING WAS WRONG, and IT WAS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE. It was a

while before I figured out that driving wasn't this big scary thing I had always

been told it was, because I was so isolated with nada that HER POINT OF VIEW ON

ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING was my point of view, too, or else I got yelled and

screamed at.

>

> We are trained well, we children of BPD's...

>

> --LL.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much to everyone for all the insights. I really appreciate it.

Sara

> >

> > Sara,

> >

> > It isn't just us who have these " pleasing people " worries all the time; it

was also our BPD moms!!!

> >

> > I really think this behavior is learned. When I was growing up, I think I

wasn't observant enough to notice how nada scanned people all the time, but

later on in adolescence I saw it: the constant overfocus on the other person.

You could just see her zeroing in, watching the other person: " Is this person

looking at me they way they should if they really liked me? Hugging me the way

they would if they really loved me? Talking to me enough? Drawing me out

enough? Giving me enough talk time? Acknowledging that I'm there? " and on and

on. And if Nada didn't feel properly paid attention to, it would start on the

way home: " Boy, so and so just ignored me. It was like I wasn't even there. "

" Boy, so and so just hogged the conversation all night. " " So and so gave me a

dirty look...made fun of how I cut the cherry tomatoes and I felt so bad! So

and so treated me like I was stupid... " Blah, blah, blahblahblahblah. (Cue

Charlie Brown's teacher.)

> >

> > When I was in my teens, I was able to observe her doing it. But it was a

while before I was old enough to understand that, no, not *everybody* was

talking about me all the time; no, just because I had " heels " on (all of half an

inch) and was wearing a dress didn't mean anybody at all cared that I didn't sit

perfectly in a chair or that I sat on the floor; that nobody, and I mean nobody,

cared how I rolled down the top of a paper lunch bag or that I hung pants on the

clothesline by the waist instead of the legs.

> >

> > We absorb this stuff, we really do. How far back does this stuff go? I

mean, I totally absorbed nada's fear of driving. When I first started driving,

every single little noise, every single little abnormality of the pavement under

the tires meant SOMETHING WAS WRONG, and IT WAS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE. It was a

while before I figured out that driving wasn't this big scary thing I had always

been told it was, because I was so isolated with nada that HER POINT OF VIEW ON

ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING was my point of view, too, or else I got yelled and

screamed at.

> >

> > We are trained well, we children of BPD's...

> >

> > --LL.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have recently realize that I live in a state of paralysis because

so many times the things I looked forward to happening as a child, ended in

disaster. For instance waited all summer when i was six years old to get to ride

a train for the first time and go on vacation to my grandfather's not knowing he

was a pedophile and he sexually abused me for the entire week i was there (my

mother knew as he had abused her but she sent me anyway...sigh)

I could go on but you get the point, it's too depressing to keep naming

examples. I actually generally do not do much of anything until I absolutely

HAVE to make a decision, because in my child mind life made the decision

because all my decisions turn out to be disasters and if I let life make the

decision it will work out a lot better. it's a cause of a lot of stress and

anxiety to live this way.

I am hoping for a change where I do not feel all my decisions are going to bring

about catastrophe, but I am not there yet. In my child mind I think there is a

link where I think that since i was so excited about the train ride I somehow

caused the bad thing to happen. i am not sure.

and of course the anxiety of dealing with a bpd nada and npd fada in the same

household. and being stuck in the middle all the time. no reaction is ever safe

or appropriate around them.

>

> Hello All,

>

> I had a realization a little while ago that I am in a permanent state of

low-level anxiety/worry. All of these worries seem to relate in some way to the

possibility that I have 'done something wrong' 'upset someone' 'said the wrong

thing' 'been inconsiderate etc etc.' I spend a lot of time analysing my

behaviour in my head and trying to work out whether it was 'acceptable'

'reasonable' 'normal.' Anything from sending an email to a friend (was I too

'short'? Did I forget to ask about her Dad's illness? Did I take too long to get

back to her? Is she angry with me now?) to trying to assert myself at work (was

I too assertive? Are people going to think I'm aggressive? was I being

unreasonable and inflexible?)

>

> These worries sort of go on all the time, and sometimes they grow enormous and

'turn into reality' in some kind of way. It's like I have a dawning realisation

that I was really horrible to someone and therefore I must be a horrible person

etc. etc. Then I get depressed.

>

> Thinking about it, it seems to make sense to me that someone who grew up with

a BPD parent would have this kind of continual worry - when I was growing up, my

mum would explode into crazy rages and accuse me of being an awful daughter,

selfish, uncaring etc, because I'd left a cup in the living room / not danced a

happy dance when she got in from work (to quote a previous emailer - LOVE that

expression by the way) / disagreed with her about something as mundane as not

liking the weather that day etc.

>

> So, and following extensive discussion with my therapist, I am coming to

realise that my permanent worry is likely to be related to growing up with a BDP

mother. Why wouldn't I be anxious about upsetting people all the time when as a

child I kept breaking imaginary rules that I could never work out in advance and

then being emotionally abused as a result.

>

> But that realisation isn't, as yet, helping me stop worrying all the time. I

wondered if anyone else had a similar worrying thing? And how they'd managed to

address it?

>

> Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

>

> Sara

>

[Guest guest]

Llel

This is so very sad! Good luck!

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: Permanent anxiety and worry anyone?

I have recently realize that I live in a state of paralysis because

so many times the things I looked forward to happening as a child, ended in

disaster. For instance waited all summer when i was six years old to get to ride

a train for the first time and go on vacation to my grandfather's not knowing he

was a pedophile and he sexually abused me for the entire week i was there (my

mother knew as he had abused her but she sent me anyway...sigh)

I could go on but you get the point, it's too depressing to keep naming

examples. I actually generally do not do much of anything until I absolutely

HAVE to make a decision, because in my child mind life made the decision

because all my decisions turn out to be disasters and if I let life make the

decision it will work out a lot better. it's a cause of a lot of stress and

anxiety to live this way.

I am hoping for a change where I do not feel all my decisions are going to bring

about catastrophe, but I am not there yet. In my child mind I think there is a

link where I think that since i was so excited about the train ride I somehow

caused the bad thing to happen. i am not sure.

and of course the anxiety of dealing with a bpd nada and npd fada in the same

household. and being stuck in the middle all the time. no reaction is ever safe

or appropriate around them.

>

> Hello All,

>

> I had a realization a little while ago that I am in a permanent state of

low-level anxiety/worry. All of these worries seem to relate in some way to the

possibility that I have 'done something wrong' 'upset someone' 'said the wrong

thing' 'been inconsiderate etc etc.' I spend a lot of time analysing my

behaviour in my head and trying to work out whether it was 'acceptable'

'reasonable' 'normal.' Anything from sending an email to a friend (was I too

'short'? Did I forget to ask about her Dad's illness? Did I take too long to get

back to her? Is she angry with me now?) to trying to assert myself at work (was

I too assertive? Are people going to think I'm aggressive? was I being

unreasonable and inflexible?)

>

> These worries sort of go on all the time, and sometimes they grow enormous and

'turn into reality' in some kind of way. It's like I have a dawning realisation

that I was really horrible to someone and therefore I must be a horrible person

etc. etc. Then I get depressed.

>

> Thinking about it, it seems to make sense to me that someone who grew up with

a BPD parent would have this kind of continual worry - when I was growing up, my

mum would explode into crazy rages and accuse me of being an awful daughter,

selfish, uncaring etc, because I'd left a cup in the living room / not danced a

happy dance when she got in from work (to quote a previous emailer - LOVE that

expression by the way) / disagreed with her about something as mundane as not

liking the weather that day etc.

>

> So, and following extensive discussion with my therapist, I am coming to

realise that my permanent worry is likely to be related to growing up with a BDP

mother. Why wouldn't I be anxious about upsetting people all the time when as a

child I kept breaking imaginary rules that I could never work out in advance and

then being emotionally abused as a result.

>

> But that realisation isn't, as yet, helping me stop worrying all the time. I

wondered if anyone else had a similar worrying thing? And how they'd managed to

address it?

>

> Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

>

> Sara

>

[Guest guest]

yes!!! the majority of my therapy has been focused on this problem -- - ie,

other peoples opinions count and mine don't, im respomsible for evertyone

elses feelings and on and on and on. Ive been upset about a girl freaking

out on me and i keep going back through it the way my therapist would talk

me through it --- for instance, in whose opinion am i being a " cold bitch "

and " is it really my belief that I am power starved and aggressive? " NO!

Those are the things my mother would say if I stood up for myself -to

anyone. and my father taught me it was easier to give in - just always give

in. Even right down to the weeks after I left my horrible ex-husband, these

were the things they said, along with name-calling, shaming, verbal sexual

abuse (a divorced youne woman is automatically a slut and that's the worst

thing you can be) and on and on. Hence NC.

My T is helping me sort their beliefs from mine - am I a cold bitch because

I tell someone they need to keep their commitments? Or if I say they are

stressing me out because they haven't done what they said they would in a

timely fashion? No, i am not. Am a I a cold bitch when I take care of

myself? No I am not. Is it easier to keep the peace by rolling over and

doing what a personality disordered monster wants? Yes, it is in the moment,

but you make a whole life of it and you have no life at all.

Please forgive any typos or terseness in this message, it was written while

feeding a big old hound dog by hand because he won't eat left to his own

devices (and yes I think he is working me, but we are remodeling so his

routine is all upset. As soon as it gets back to normal he gets tough love)

>

>

> Llel

> This is so very sad! Good luck!

>

> ----------

> Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

> device.

>

> Re: Permanent anxiety and worry anyone?

>

>

> I have recently realize that I live in a state of paralysis because

> so many times the things I looked forward to happening as a child, ended in

> disaster. For instance waited all summer when i was six years old to get to

> ride a train for the first time and go on vacation to my grandfather's not

> knowing he was a pedophile and he sexually abused me for the entire week i

> was there (my mother knew as he had abused her but she sent me

> anyway...sigh)

>

> I could go on but you get the point, it's too depressing to keep naming

> examples. I actually generally do not do much of anything until I absolutely

> HAVE to make a decision, because in my child mind life made the decision

> because all my decisions turn out to be disasters and if I let life make the

> decision it will work out a lot better. it's a cause of a lot of stress and

> anxiety to live this way.

>

> I am hoping for a change where I do not feel all my decisions are going to

> bring about catastrophe, but I am not there yet. In my child mind I think

> there is a link where I think that since i was so excited about the train

> ride I somehow caused the bad thing to happen. i am not sure.

>

> and of course the anxiety of dealing with a bpd nada and npd fada in the

> same household. and being stuck in the middle all the time. no reaction is

> ever safe or appropriate around them.

>

> >

> > Hello All,

> >

> > I had a realization a little while ago that I am in a permanent state of

> low-level anxiety/worry. All of these worries seem to relate in some way to

> the possibility that I have 'done something wrong' 'upset someone' 'said the

> wrong thing' 'been inconsiderate etc etc.' I spend a lot of time analysing

> my behaviour in my head and trying to work out whether it was 'acceptable'

> 'reasonable' 'normal.' Anything from sending an email to a friend (was I too

> 'short'? Did I forget to ask about her Dad's illness? Did I take too long to

> get back to her? Is she angry with me now?) to trying to assert myself at

> work (was I too assertive? Are people going to think I'm aggressive? was I

> being unreasonable and inflexible?)

> >

> > These worries sort of go on all the time, and sometimes they grow

> enormous and 'turn into reality' in some kind of way. It's like I have a

> dawning realisation that I was really horrible to someone and therefore I

> must be a horrible person etc. etc. Then I get depressed.

> >

> > Thinking about it, it seems to make sense to me that someone who grew up

> with a BPD parent would have this kind of continual worry - when I was

> growing up, my mum would explode into crazy rages and accuse me of being an

> awful daughter, selfish, uncaring etc, because I'd left a cup in the living

> room / not danced a happy dance when she got in from work (to quote a

> previous emailer - LOVE that expression by the way) / disagreed with her

> about something as mundane as not liking the weather that day etc.

> >

> > So, and following extensive discussion with my therapist, I am coming to

> realise that my permanent worry is likely to be related to growing up with a

> BDP mother. Why wouldn't I be anxious about upsetting people all the time

> when as a child I kept breaking imaginary rules that I could never work out

> in advance and then being emotionally abused as a result.

> >

> > But that realisation isn't, as yet, helping me stop worrying all the

> time. I wondered if anyone else had a similar worrying thing? And how they'd

> managed to address it?

> >

> > Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

> >

> > Sara

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Although I don't know if there is an afterlife or not, if there is, I hope there

is a special place of torment for a parent who would *knowingly* send her little

child to spend a week with a child molester. That is beyond comprehension to

me, I just can't wrap my mind around that. Holy. freaking. cow.

You poor little thing. I wish I could reach back in time and just pinch the

heads off your nada and grandfada like they are ticks or something.

-Annie

> >

> > Hello All,

> >

> > I had a realization a little while ago that I am in a permanent state of

low-level anxiety/worry. All of these worries seem to relate in some way to the

possibility that I have 'done something wrong' 'upset someone' 'said the wrong

thing' 'been inconsiderate etc etc.' I spend a lot of time analysing my

behaviour in my head and trying to work out whether it was 'acceptable'

'reasonable' 'normal.' Anything from sending an email to a friend (was I too

'short'? Did I forget to ask about her Dad's illness? Did I take too long to get

back to her? Is she angry with me now?) to trying to assert myself at work (was

I too assertive? Are people going to think I'm aggressive? was I being

unreasonable and inflexible?)

> >

> > These worries sort of go on all the time, and sometimes they grow enormous

and 'turn into reality' in some kind of way. It's like I have a dawning

realisation that I was really horrible to someone and therefore I must be a

horrible person etc. etc. Then I get depressed.

> >

> > Thinking about it, it seems to make sense to me that someone who grew up

with a BPD parent would have this kind of continual worry - when I was growing

up, my mum would explode into crazy rages and accuse me of being an awful

daughter, selfish, uncaring etc, because I'd left a cup in the living room / not

danced a happy dance when she got in from work (to quote a previous emailer -

LOVE that expression by the way) / disagreed with her about something as mundane

as not liking the weather that day etc.

> >

> > So, and following extensive discussion with my therapist, I am coming to

realise that my permanent worry is likely to be related to growing up with a BDP

mother. Why wouldn't I be anxious about upsetting people all the time when as a

child I kept breaking imaginary rules that I could never work out in advance and

then being emotionally abused as a result.

> >

> > But that realisation isn't, as yet, helping me stop worrying all the time. I

wondered if anyone else had a similar worrying thing? And how they'd managed to

address it?

> >

> > Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

> >

> > Sara

> >

>

[Guest guest]

i have been reading about this in the book " Trauma and Recovery " by Judith

Herman, MD which contains a very thorough analysis of complex

post-traumatic stress disorder, the sort caused by prolonged child

abuse/neglect (ie being raised by someone with BPD).

it is called " psychological constriction " . here's quote from the book that

has really given me something to think about in terms of my own experience:

" In most cases the victim has not given up. But she has learned that every

action will be watched, that most actions will be thwarted, and that she

will pay dearly for failure. To the extent that the perpetrator has

succeeded in enforcing [her] demand for total submission, [the victim] will

perceive any exercise of her own initiative as insubordination. Before

undertaking any action, she will scan the environment, expecting

retaliation. "

> **

>

>

>

> I have recently realize that I live in a state of paralysis because

> so many times the things I looked forward to happening as a child, ended in

> disaster. For instance waited all summer when i was six years old to get to

> ride a train for the first time and go on vacation to my grandfather's not

> knowing he was a pedophile and he sexually abused me for the entire week i

> was there (my mother knew as he had abused her but she sent me

> anyway...sigh)

>

> I could go on but you get the point, it's too depressing to keep naming

> examples. I actually generally do not do much of anything until I absolutely

> HAVE to make a decision, because in my child mind life made the decision

> because all my decisions turn out to be disasters and if I let life make the

> decision it will work out a lot better. it's a cause of a lot of stress and

> anxiety to live this way.

>

> I am hoping for a change where I do not feel all my decisions are going to

> bring about catastrophe, but I am not there yet. In my child mind I think

> there is a link where I think that since i was so excited about the train

> ride I somehow caused the bad thing to happen. i am not sure.

>

> and of course the anxiety of dealing with a bpd nada and npd fada in the

> same household. and being stuck in the middle all the time. no reaction is

> ever safe or appropriate around them.

>

>

> >

> > Hello All,

> >

> > I had a realization a little while ago that I am in a permanent state of

> low-level anxiety/worry. All of these worries seem to relate in some way to

> the possibility that I have 'done something wrong' 'upset someone' 'said the

> wrong thing' 'been inconsiderate etc etc.' I spend a lot of time analysing

> my behaviour in my head and trying to work out whether it was 'acceptable'

> 'reasonable' 'normal.' Anything from sending an email to a friend (was I too

> 'short'? Did I forget to ask about her Dad's illness? Did I take too long to

> get back to her? Is she angry with me now?) to trying to assert myself at

> work (was I too assertive? Are people going to think I'm aggressive? was I

> being unreasonable and inflexible?)

> >

> > These worries sort of go on all the time, and sometimes they grow

> enormous and 'turn into reality' in some kind of way. It's like I have a

> dawning realisation that I was really horrible to someone and therefore I

> must be a horrible person etc. etc. Then I get depressed.

> >

> > Thinking about it, it seems to make sense to me that someone who grew up

> with a BPD parent would have this kind of continual worry - when I was

> growing up, my mum would explode into crazy rages and accuse me of being an

> awful daughter, selfish, uncaring etc, because I'd left a cup in the living

> room / not danced a happy dance when she got in from work (to quote a

> previous emailer - LOVE that expression by the way) / disagreed with her

> about something as mundane as not liking the weather that day etc.

> >

> > So, and following extensive discussion with my therapist, I am coming to

> realise that my permanent worry is likely to be related to growing up with a

> BDP mother. Why wouldn't I be anxious about upsetting people all the time

> when as a child I kept breaking imaginary rules that I could never work out

> in advance and then being emotionally abused as a result.

> >

> > But that realisation isn't, as yet, helping me stop worrying all the

> time. I wondered if anyone else had a similar worrying thing? And how they'd

> managed to address it?

> >

> > Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

> >

> > Sara

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, that resonates with me. I've been wanting to read this book for a while,

its been highly recommended here at this Group and at other support groups.

There is still a huge blind spot in the public perception of just how much

severe, long-term emotional damage can be inflicted on the child of a borderline

pd mother.

The public is finally aware that yes, fathers who are mentally ill/personality

disordered/substance abusers can and do betray the sacred trust of parenthood

and they can and do sexually abuse their kids, but the public is still wearing

blinders and mufflers to keep out the awareness that mothers can be equally

mentally ill and abusive, and can and do inflict horrific emotional damage,

physical damage (and even sexual damage) on their own children.

Thanks for sharing that excerpt.

I really need to go get that book!

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hello All,

> > >

> > > I had a realization a little while ago that I am in a permanent state of

> > low-level anxiety/worry. All of these worries seem to relate in some way to

> > the possibility that I have 'done something wrong' 'upset someone' 'said the

> > wrong thing' 'been inconsiderate etc etc.' I spend a lot of time analysing

> > my behaviour in my head and trying to work out whether it was 'acceptable'

> > 'reasonable' 'normal.' Anything from sending an email to a friend (was I too

> > 'short'? Did I forget to ask about her Dad's illness? Did I take too long to

> > get back to her? Is she angry with me now?) to trying to assert myself at

> > work (was I too assertive? Are people going to think I'm aggressive? was I

> > being unreasonable and inflexible?)

> > >

> > > These worries sort of go on all the time, and sometimes they grow

> > enormous and 'turn into reality' in some kind of way. It's like I have a

> > dawning realisation that I was really horrible to someone and therefore I

> > must be a horrible person etc. etc. Then I get depressed.

> > >

> > > Thinking about it, it seems to make sense to me that someone who grew up

> > with a BPD parent would have this kind of continual worry - when I was

> > growing up, my mum would explode into crazy rages and accuse me of being an

> > awful daughter, selfish, uncaring etc, because I'd left a cup in the living

> > room / not danced a happy dance when she got in from work (to quote a

> > previous emailer - LOVE that expression by the way) / disagreed with her

> > about something as mundane as not liking the weather that day etc.

> > >

> > > So, and following extensive discussion with my therapist, I am coming to

> > realise that my permanent worry is likely to be related to growing up with a

> > BDP mother. Why wouldn't I be anxious about upsetting people all the time

> > when as a child I kept breaking imaginary rules that I could never work out

> > in advance and then being emotionally abused as a result.

> > >

> > > But that realisation isn't, as yet, helping me stop worrying all the

> > time. I wondered if anyone else had a similar worrying thing? And how they'd

> > managed to address it?

> > >

> > > Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

> > >

> > > Sara

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>