Guest guest Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Well, it has been two weeks since my nada has called me-she usually calls me at least 6 or 7 times a day.She is angry at me for not having been invited to my son in law's birthday. She has told everyone that she hates him (He does not take her nonsense) it was in a Mexican restaurant- she hates Mexican food.I did not make the invitations and it was very much last minute planning. She is blaming me for cutting her off from the rest of the family although she is doing a great job of it herself by insulting everyone .She has also alienated everybody at the retirement home where she lives. To a certain extent,I feel a lot calmer and my stomach is not twisted in knots when the phone rings but I still cannot enjoy fully this period of relative calm.There is a twinge of guilt nagging at me .Should I break the silence ,although she is the one who chose to stop calling? You see, she is 93 and this is what weakens my resolve to not give in again,although it means starting a new cycle of rages, blaming,insulting and accusing. Any advice? I am so tired of being the scapegoat in her miserable life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Personally I would not call, but that's because the mere thought of calling my mother makes my heart race with anxiety, and I don't feel that I'm strong enough to take her, which is ridiculous, but hey, you can't help how you feel, just your actions. But, back to the point, why exactly do you want to call, and not want to call? I think it would be helpful to write it down, see exactly what your motivations are, and go from there. If you are afraid of her being angry with you, thats not a good enough reason, bc let's face it, she will be mad at you no matter what you do. However, if you want to call her for your own emotional well being, and you will not take her possible hate to heart, then calling may be the right thing. It all depends... - Em > > Well, it has been two weeks since my nada has called me-she usually calls me at least 6 or 7 times a day.She is angry at me for not having been invited to my son in law's birthday. > She has told everyone that she hates him (He does not take her nonsense) it was in a Mexican > restaurant- she hates Mexican food.I did not make the invitations and it was very much last minute planning. > She is blaming me for cutting her off from the rest of the family although she is doing a great > job of it herself by insulting everyone .She has also alienated everybody at the retirement home where she lives. > To a certain extent,I feel a lot calmer and my stomach is not twisted in knots when the phone rings but I still cannot enjoy fully this period of relative calm.There is a twinge of guilt nagging at me .Should I break the silence ,although she is the one who chose to stop calling? > You see, she is 93 and this is what weakens my resolve to not give in again,although it means > starting a new cycle of rages, blaming,insulting and accusing. > Any advice? I am so tired of being the scapegoat in her miserable life > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 You're the only one who can figure out what you can and can't live with. In my opinion, the issue of whether or not to remain in contact with an abusive, pd parent is morally neutral: there aren't any " shoulds " or " ought to " s, its simply what feels right to you in this matter after a lifetime of mistreatment. If you should decide that its better for *you* to be in limited contact with your nada, maybe try the " Medium Chill " technique to protect yourself. I posted it below. Its totally your call. If having contact with your nada is traumatic for you and gives you fresh injury, or if you have a bad reaction after attempting to have contact (your blood pressure shoots up, you get a migraine headache, you become debilitated by nausea and vomiting, etc.,) then, maybe its in your best interest to avoid contact. But if you can tolerate contact, then, maybe " medium chill " will help you handle it with less stress: " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a friend whose mother suffers from BPD. Medium chill: When they lash out - show no anger When they are nice- don't reciprocate. Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your reaction, they tend to leave you alone. Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them. Medium chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great success using this. When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited Contact. Â They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already for a very long time. Â The same friend who introduced me to these boards also introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. Â Â It's a bit late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly eloquent as I type this tonight.... It's about more than just boundaries. To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude: (1) never share personal or private information on yourself; (2) never get involved in their problems/drama; (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while NEVER violating items one or two Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many BPDs are). Â So don't let them know your hot buttons. Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Â Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a greater effect upon. Â I swear, it really does work. Are you unwittingly giving them the road-map to figure out what you're sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a healthy adult? Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Â Well, if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you think they're going to blame? Â Are you just putting yourself in the line of eventual fire without realizing it? If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection). If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by getting YOU upset. Â So don't ever show yourself getting upset. Â If they're upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. Â I swear, as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. Â I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by making me feel pain too. Â Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill. Â There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that they target instead. Â It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member; it might be the waiter. Â But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU. Â Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. Â If they come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone else? It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. Â We often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical actions of restraint... .... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul. ~ Stargazer " ****** I hope that helps. -Annie > > Well, it has been two weeks since my nada has called me-she usually calls me at least 6 or 7 times a day.She is angry at me for not having been invited to my son in law's birthday. > She has told everyone that she hates him (He does not take her nonsense) it was in a Mexican > restaurant- she hates Mexican food.I did not make the invitations and it was very much last minute planning. > She is blaming me for cutting her off from the rest of the family although she is doing a great > job of it herself by insulting everyone .She has also alienated everybody at the retirement home where she lives. > To a certain extent,I feel a lot calmer and my stomach is not twisted in knots when the phone rings but I still cannot enjoy fully this period of relative calm.There is a twinge of guilt nagging at me .Should I break the silence ,although she is the one who chose to stop calling? > You see, she is 93 and this is what weakens my resolve to not give in again,although it means > starting a new cycle of rages, blaming,insulting and accusing. > Any advice? I am so tired of being the scapegoat in her miserable life > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 wow that is really helpful, the medium chill stuff! thanks. honestly I have alot of asperger symptoms and I have been trying to figure out some guidelines for work environments because we are often targeted and bullied. those, even though they are intended for dealing with bpd, are perfect because they show the person what an adult level of listening and interacting looks and behaves like instead of the naive, child-like, everything at face value behavior that gets us in hot water, especially since we tend to want to be included too much. it's very helpful and very useful, thanks. I love the phrase 'most active listener'...you can really see in that choice of words that part of the development of codependency from growing up at the knee of a narcissist or someone with what could be called 'chemically induced narcissism' where they are an addict...I have always wanted another word for codependent because event the word codependent is codependent, it's about someone else, not the person. I have come up with a few alternatives, 'human mirror' just occurred to me, where the child is supposed to only reflect the parent's image, or a more favorable one than is accurate, that's why we so often do not feel like 'real' people, because we have been walkign around with a mirror on our faces. food for thought, thanks! > > > > Well, it has been two weeks since my nada has called me-she usually calls me at least 6 or 7 times a day.She is angry at me for not having been invited to my son in law's birthday. > > She has told everyone that she hates him (He does not take her nonsense) it was in a Mexican > > restaurant- she hates Mexican food.I did not make the invitations and it was very much last minute planning. > > She is blaming me for cutting her off from the rest of the family although she is doing a great > > job of it herself by insulting everyone .She has also alienated everybody at the retirement home where she lives. > > To a certain extent,I feel a lot calmer and my stomach is not twisted in knots when the phone rings but I still cannot enjoy fully this period of relative calm.There is a twinge of guilt nagging at me .Should I break the silence ,although she is the one who chose to stop calling? > > You see, she is 93 and this is what weakens my resolve to not give in again,although it means > > starting a new cycle of rages, blaming,insulting and accusing. > > Any advice? I am so tired of being the scapegoat in her miserable life > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 Thank you all for the input.It is so nice to know I can turn to you and get such validation for my feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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