Trying to not take it personally

[Guest guest]

It was recently suggested to me that my mother has bpd. This shocked and

relieved me. I went back in my mind and put all the pieces together, and it all

makes so much sense to me now. I have been reading up on bpd, trying to educate

myself on how to deal with my mother in the future, but I'm finding it difficult

to not take her criticism and comments personally. The other day my mom called

me and kept me on the phone for 2 hours, during which I was able to utter maybe

one sentence, telling me how I'm being stupid about getting married, and trying

to convince me that she is the only person in my life that I can depend on.

Granted, she is going through a difficult time right now, as she is currently

divorcing my narcissistic father, so she thinks my fiancé will treat me the way

she was treated. I've just swallowed my pride for so long to get along with her,

and I always end up getting burned anyway. I'm just so angry with her, and I

don't really now how to move forward and not bring in her and my fathers baggage

into my own marriage.

However, it's a relief in itself just to know that I'm not alone in this, and

that people have recovered before me so it's possible to not be sucked in for

life.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, artpsych.

Yes, it does seem to be both overwhelmingly shocking and relieving to discover

that our mother's or father's negative, destructive behaviors toward us are due

to personality disorder, which is a genuine, serious mental illness.

It takes a while to come to terms with this knowledge.

Plus, the negative behaviors of borderline pd seem to be exacerbated and thrown

into overdrive by normal life events such as their child getting engaged and

married, by the birth of grandchildren, by graduation ceremonies and (normal,

expected) deaths in the family.

Its hard to not take their negativity and criticism personally, and its hard to

learn how to set boundaries or rules for yourself regarding their behaviors, but

it can be done.

A boundary is simply a line in the sand that you draw, that bpd mom is not

allowed to step over.

For example, you get to decide that you are no longer going to allow your mother

to harangue you for two hours, bashing your fiancee. That can be a boundary

that you set: your mother is not allowed to put down your future husband.

When she phones you and starts in on this, you get to say to her EVEN IF it

means talking over her: " Mom, I understand your concerns. You've told me what

you think, but I love Fiancee. He is a good man, and we are going to be

married. I'm not going to discuss that with you any more. Is there something

else you wanted to talk with me about? No? Then I need to go, there are so

many things I need to be taking care of right now. Talk to you later. 'Bye. "

You will probably have many very short conversations with your mother until she

accepts this boundary. If she becomes belligerent and hostile, you get to put

her in " time out " . You get to say, " I will not listen to you when you scream at

me and call me names. I'm going to hang up now. We can talk again some other

time when you are feeling calmer. 'Bye. "

And you repeat these statements like a broken record, over and over, each time

she calls and starts in on fiance-bashing or attacking you. I'm betting that

you will discover that you have less stress when you take this adult power to

yourself, the power to simply be assertive and a grown up peer with your mother.

Right now, you're still reacting to her as though you are a small child, by

deferring to her and letting her harangue you for two hours non-stop. When you

politely but assertively set the rules, each time you enforce your boundary(ies)

you will be taking a positive step toward a more adult relationship with your

personality-disordered mother.

I recommend that reading up about personality disorder and educating yourself as

much as possible about this mental illness will very likely help you take her

behaviors less and less personally. " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and

" Surviving A Borderline Parent " are good, as is " Boundaries " , " Co-Dependent No

More " , and lots of other books on these topics.

-Annie

>

> It was recently suggested to me that my mother has bpd. This shocked and

relieved me. I went back in my mind and put all the pieces together, and it all

makes so much sense to me now. I have been reading up on bpd, trying to educate

myself on how to deal with my mother in the future, but I'm finding it difficult

to not take her criticism and comments personally. The other day my mom called

me and kept me on the phone for 2 hours, during which I was able to utter maybe

one sentence, telling me how I'm being stupid about getting married, and trying

to convince me that she is the only person in my life that I can depend on.

Granted, she is going through a difficult time right now, as she is currently

divorcing my narcissistic father, so she thinks my fiancé will treat me the way

she was treated. I've just swallowed my pride for so long to get along with her,

and I always end up getting burned anyway. I'm just so angry with her, and I

don't really now how to move forward and not bring in her and my fathers baggage

into my own marriage.

>

> However, it's a relief in itself just to know that I'm not alone in this, and

that people have recovered before me so it's possible to not be sucked in for

life.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! I hope WTO can be a source of support for you right now. Realizing that

your mother has BPD can trigger a complex series of emotional reactions, and it

sounds like you're discovering that for yourself!

For me, the two most important things to remember were:

1) YOU ARE NOT YOUR NADA... just because she's depressed doesn't mean you are,

her marriage ending in divorce doesn't mean yours will, etc...

2) YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR HER, but you can if you want to and it

will help YOU cope. Just be careful not to let that kind of coping skill

backfire. It helps to ground yourself in the knowledge that you are an

inherently good person no matter what she says.

The more you can read, the better. Stop Walking on Eggshells has some practical

tips that are really useful, and I really wish I had read it before going NC (no

contact). Surviving the Borderline Mother is another good one. Building coping

skills to help you deal with what you decide to tackle is another good place to

start. Limiting phone time and interrupting Nada/Fada isn't an option for

everyone (based on what you're comfortable with), but USE HUMOR. Seriously.

Nadas/Fadas are SO. BLOODY. RIDICULOUS sometimes that if you can distance

yourself from the situation for a minute, you can have a REALLY good laugh. I

remember that once I decided to time a conversation and count how many words I

got it (this was back in high school). It was an hour-long conversation, and I

got to say 5 words (including hi, bye, etc). FIVE WORDS! Honestly, how could she

have had that much to say when I had spoked to her probably only a few hours

earlier *crack-up*

*hugs* hang in there and keep us posted.

-Maia

>

> It was recently suggested to me that my mother has bpd. This shocked and

relieved me. I went back in my mind and put all the pieces together, and it all

makes so much sense to me now. I have been reading up on bpd, trying to educate

myself on how to deal with my mother in the future, but I'm finding it difficult

to not take her criticism and comments personally. The other day my mom called

me and kept me on the phone for 2 hours, during which I was able to utter maybe

one sentence, telling me how I'm being stupid about getting married, and trying

to convince me that she is the only person in my life that I can depend on.

Granted, she is going through a difficult time right now, as she is currently

divorcing my narcissistic father, so she thinks my fiancé will treat me the way

she was treated. I've just swallowed my pride for so long to get along with her,

and I always end up getting burned anyway. I'm just so angry with her, and I

don't really now how to move forward and not bring in her and my fathers baggage

into my own marriage.

>

> However, it's a relief in itself just to know that I'm not alone in this, and

that people have recovered before me so it's possible to not be sucked in for

life.

>

[Guest guest]

wow. I'm happy to find this group. After many years of therapy, trying to get my

life together (I'm 60!) I have confirmation that my mother is a borderline. That

explains SO much!!

However, I'm still dealing with the effects in my own life- primarily not

trusting other people, and getting triggered when things remind me of her

actions.

I currently have a boss who " reminds " me of my mother, though she is not

borderline. She does lots of thinking out loud, trying on ideas; I find myself

getting sucked in, believing she's made a decision, only to find out later that

she changed her mind. It triggers all of my insecurities.

>

> It was recently suggested to me that my mother has bpd. This shocked and

relieved me. I went back in my mind and put all the pieces together, and it all

makes so much sense to me now. I have been reading up on bpd, trying to educate

myself on how to deal with my mother in the future, but I'm finding it difficult

to not take her criticism and comments personally. The other day my mom called

me and kept me on the phone for 2 hours, during which I was able to utter maybe

one sentence, telling me how I'm being stupid about getting married, and trying

to convince me that she is the only person in my life that I can depend on.

Granted, she is going through a difficult time right now, as she is currently

divorcing my narcissistic father, so she thinks my fiancé will treat me the way

she was treated. I've just swallowed my pride for so long to get along with her,

and I always end up getting burned anyway. I'm just so angry with her, and I

don't really now how to move forward and not bring in her and my fathers baggage

into my own marriage.

>

> However, it's a relief in itself just to know that I'm not alone in this, and

that people have recovered before me so it's possible to not be sucked in for

life.

>

[Guest guest]

Noticed your name is portuguese. I have bpd parents ones from portugal the other

from brazil. Gomes is my fathers middle name

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Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: Trying to not take it personally

wow. I'm happy to find this group. After many years of therapy, trying to get my

life together (I'm 60!) I have confirmation that my mother is a borderline. That

explains SO much!!

However, I'm still dealing with the effects in my own life- primarily not

trusting other people, and getting triggered when things remind me of her

actions.

I currently have a boss who " reminds " me of my mother, though she is not

borderline. She does lots of thinking out loud, trying on ideas; I find myself

getting sucked in, believing she's made a decision, only to find out later that

she changed her mind. It triggers all of my insecurities.

>

> It was recently suggested to me that my mother has bpd. This shocked and

relieved me. I went back in my mind and put all the pieces together, and it all

makes so much sense to me now. I have been reading up on bpd, trying to educate

myself on how to deal with my mother in the future, but I'm finding it difficult

to not take her criticism and comments personally. The other day my mom called

me and kept me on the phone for 2 hours, during which I was able to utter maybe

one sentence, telling me how I'm being stupid about getting married, and trying

to convince me that she is the only person in my life that I can depend on.

Granted, she is going through a difficult time right now, as she is currently

divorcing my narcissistic father, so she thinks my fiancé will treat me the way

she was treated. I've just swallowed my pride for so long to get along with her,

and I always end up getting burned anyway. I'm just so angry with her, and I

don't really now how to move forward and not bring in her and my fathers baggage

into my own marriage.

>

> However, it's a relief in itself just to know that I'm not alone in this, and

that people have recovered before me so it's possible to not be sucked in for

life.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome, Chris! I pushing am 50 and just realized mom is BPD last year. We've

spent too much of our lives dealing with BPD fallout.

> >

> > It was recently suggested to me that my mother has bpd. This shocked and

relieved me. I went back in my mind and put all the pieces together, and it all

makes so much sense to me now. I have been reading up on bpd, trying to educate

myself on how to deal with my mother in the future, but I'm finding it difficult

to not take her criticism and comments personally. The other day my mom called

me and kept me on the phone for 2 hours, during which I was able to utter maybe

one sentence, telling me how I'm being stupid about getting married, and trying

to convince me that she is the only person in my life that I can depend on.

Granted, she is going through a difficult time right now, as she is currently

divorcing my narcissistic father, so she thinks my fiancé will treat me the way

she was treated. I've just swallowed my pride for so long to get along with her,

and I always end up getting burned anyway. I'm just so angry with her, and I

don't really now how to move forward and not bring in her and my fathers baggage

into my own marriage.

> >

> > However, it's a relief in itself just to know that I'm not alone in this,

and that people have recovered before me so it's possible to not be sucked in

for life.

> >

>