Guest guest Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 I love my dad, I really do. Even though he is a dishrag and sad sack. He was there to protect me sometimes, at other times not. I believe he is brainwashed and immature. He has intervened at times to try to mediate truces--even if his mediation was misguided, ill-advised and unappreciated. I guess I give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't been overtly abusive, like nada is. He tells me he loves me, misses me, and is physically demonstrative (hugs, reaching out to hold hands), but he won't see the horrific in nada, and he won't openly cross her. If she cut me off completely tomorrow, he would not go against her. He will not secretly keep in contact with me, as that is 'against' her. The FOG comes into play because tomorrow is his birthday, followed by next Sunday being Father's Day. I am LC with them (1x monthly) and Dad keeps hoping I will make everything go back to what it once was (me enmeshed--daily communication--not a chance). I have been making myself physically ill trying to figure out how much contact I can handle and wondering what emotional price I will have to pay. Denial and avoidance can only hide the truth for so long--my third trip to the toilet this morning convinced me I am, again, a physical wreck over this. If it was just him, we could have a pleasant meeting over dinner. But because nada is involved it adds all kinds of pits and traps to what should be a nice get together. And here I am, struggling to figure out how to have a meaningful relationship with my father under these conditions. A no win situation. How do I ever get to letting go and acceptance? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 I wish I had a good and upbeat answer for you, echobabe, but all I can offer is that it takes as long as it takes. Its like asking, " How long does mourning and grief last? " It just takes as long as it takes, for *you*. But one way to help you go through the process of letting go and accepting that this is the way things are, is to fill your life with positive people and positive activities. Go out into the world and do good things for others and for yourself. Make your time here on earth count, as it were, instead of staying in a state of mourning and grief, make yourself do positive, worthwhile things. I wish each of us had a magic wand that could change reality and erase all our hurts, but, we don't. All we can do is go forward, one step at a time, one day at a time, and make healthy, positive choices for ourselves. -Annie > > I love my dad, I really do. Even though he is a dishrag and sad sack. He was there to protect me sometimes, at other times not. I believe he is brainwashed and immature. He has intervened at times to try to mediate truces--even if his mediation was misguided, ill-advised and unappreciated. I guess I give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't been overtly abusive, like nada is. He tells me he loves me, misses me, and is physically demonstrative (hugs, reaching out to hold hands), but he won't see the horrific in nada, and he won't openly cross her. If she cut me off completely tomorrow, he would not go against her. He will not secretly keep in contact with me, as that is 'against' her. > > The FOG comes into play because tomorrow is his birthday, followed by next Sunday being Father's Day. I am LC with them (1x monthly) and Dad keeps hoping I will make everything go back to what it once was (me enmeshed--daily communication--not a chance). > > I have been making myself physically ill trying to figure out how much contact I can handle and wondering what emotional price I will have to pay. Denial and avoidance can only hide the truth for so long--my third trip to the toilet this morning convinced me I am, again, a physical wreck over this. > > If it was just him, we could have a pleasant meeting over dinner. But because nada is involved it adds all kinds of pits and traps to what should be a nice get together. > > And here I am, struggling to figure out how to have a meaningful relationship with my father under these conditions. A no win situation. How do I ever get to letting go and acceptance? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 hugs...that is a really tough situation to be in. I relate because I am stunned to be watching my brother repeat the exact same behavior my mother did with me. it's unnerving. he is in denial about his witch-queen bpd wife, and she is pathologizing one of their children, and he is not defending the child and being an advocate for the child in the way that he should. he seems to believe her lies about the child although he knows, has to know, that she is a pathological liar. it is stunning to me the deathgrip he has on his denial. he seems absolutely unable to see what I and the rest of the household can see. it's so weird to watch, I want to slap the bejesus out of him sometimes. of all of us I never thought it would be him that would mimic my mother...she is a waif bpd at this point I am concluding. I don't have any answers I just think it's important to separate what are your decisions in this vs. what are his decisions. because it does seem like although he is a dishrag he is definitely making decisions about what he will and won't do. It's hard to accept, that he is definitely choosing. I wish that I could have accepted this about my mother 20 years ago, because I saw her as the 'better' of the two of my crazy parents. I have been betrayed enough by her to know at this point it is not true. But she is making the same choices about me that she made when I was 8, 18, 28, etc. She has not veered off her chosen course yet. I don't think she ever will. I have wasted so much time, only to be here at 42 finding out she recently stabbed me in the back horribly. Worse than ever, and I wish I had never made any investment of time in this relationship past leaving at home at 18. It was ALL futile and wasted energy. to be crude too, I think the sexual bond rules these sick pairs as well and is kind of an unbreakable glue. my dad swears up and down that that is the component that makes my brother excuse anything my sister in law does. we talk about it, the situation with SIL, and he says, things like 'trust me, he's happy, and he's not going to change a thing about this as long as he's this happy with what he's getting or whatever'. I know that is gross, but I have to admit it makes sense because nothing else does. > > I love my dad, I really do. Even though he is a dishrag and sad sack. He was there to protect me sometimes, at other times not. I believe he is brainwashed and immature. He has intervened at times to try to mediate truces--even if his mediation was misguided, ill-advised and unappreciated. I guess I give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't been overtly abusive, like nada is. He tells me he loves me, misses me, and is physically demonstrative (hugs, reaching out to hold hands), but he won't see the horrific in nada, and he won't openly cross her. If she cut me off completely tomorrow, he would not go against her. He will not secretly keep in contact with me, as that is 'against' her. > > The FOG comes into play because tomorrow is his birthday, followed by next Sunday being Father's Day. I am LC with them (1x monthly) and Dad keeps hoping I will make everything go back to what it once was (me enmeshed--daily communication--not a chance). > > I have been making myself physically ill trying to figure out how much contact I can handle and wondering what emotional price I will have to pay. Denial and avoidance can only hide the truth for so long--my third trip to the toilet this morning convinced me I am, again, a physical wreck over this. > > If it was just him, we could have a pleasant meeting over dinner. But because nada is involved it adds all kinds of pits and traps to what should be a nice get together. > > And here I am, struggling to figure out how to have a meaningful relationship with my father under these conditions. A no win situation. How do I ever get to letting go and acceptance? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 I think you are right in that sex cements the original bond. Even years later, when sex is no longer part of the relationship the bond continues. Some wise person in a self help book years ago stated that we either marry our parent or become our parent. I have seen this dynamic played out over and over. Your brother is playing out your mother's role. My nephew played enabler to a psycho in his failed marriage. My father plays enabler, just like his mother did with a rager. My sister is married to a manipulator/emotional abuser with issues reminiscent to my nada--he may be BPD, certainly is NPD. It is hard to watch these patterns play out in those we love. For myself, I married a man with intimacy issues (he abandoned through binge drinking/sexual addiction). We've had lots of therapy, and while he no longer acts out in those ways, he still finds ways to avoid intimacy. With all my screwed up KO coping mechanisms (hiding, withdrawal) it isn't hard for him to do. > > > > I love my dad, I really do. Even though he is a dishrag and sad sack. He was there to protect me sometimes, at other times not. I believe he is brainwashed and immature. He has intervened at times to try to mediate truces--even if his mediation was misguided, ill-advised and unappreciated. I guess I give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't been overtly abusive, like nada is. He tells me he loves me, misses me, and is physically demonstrative (hugs, reaching out to hold hands), but he won't see the horrific in nada, and he won't openly cross her. If she cut me off completely tomorrow, he would not go against her. He will not secretly keep in contact with me, as that is 'against' her. > > > > The FOG comes into play because tomorrow is his birthday, followed by next Sunday being Father's Day. I am LC with them (1x monthly) and Dad keeps hoping I will make everything go back to what it once was (me enmeshed--daily communication--not a chance). > > > > I have been making myself physically ill trying to figure out how much contact I can handle and wondering what emotional price I will have to pay. Denial and avoidance can only hide the truth for so long--my third trip to the toilet this morning convinced me I am, again, a physical wreck over this. > > > > If it was just him, we could have a pleasant meeting over dinner. But because nada is involved it adds all kinds of pits and traps to what should be a nice get together. > > > > And here I am, struggling to figure out how to have a meaningful relationship with my father under these conditions. A no win situation. How do I ever get to letting go and acceptance? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 When I reread this, a realization slapped me in the head about where my thinking here is wrong. I am still taking 100% of the blame for this broken relationship. Dad is at least 50% responsible in our relationship. So why do I feel it is solely up to me to fix it? When I figured out mom is BPD, I only shared this with Sis and our kids. I did not tell Dad. I get the feeling that revealing this information to him would not be appreciated--since he likes his bliss in ignorance. He knows his moves with her, and after 50 years seems perfectly comfortable in being the whipping boy. He does passive aggressive stuff to get even with her, including turning off his hearing aids (he's stone deaf without them). God help me, I am so sick of dysfunction, my own included. Now I am leaving to go work for my NPD boss. Thanks guys, for the wisdom and the listening. > > I love my dad, I really do. Even though he is a dishrag and sad sack. He was there to protect me sometimes, at other times not. I believe he is brainwashed and immature. He has intervened at times to try to mediate truces--even if his mediation was misguided, ill-advised and unappreciated. I guess I give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't been overtly abusive, like nada is. He tells me he loves me, misses me, and is physically demonstrative (hugs, reaching out to hold hands), but he won't see the horrific in nada, and he won't openly cross her. If she cut me off completely tomorrow, he would not go against her. He will not secretly keep in contact with me, as that is 'against' her. > > The FOG comes into play because tomorrow is his birthday, followed by next Sunday being Father's Day. I am LC with them (1x monthly) and Dad keeps hoping I will make everything go back to what it once was (me enmeshed--daily communication--not a chance). > > I have been making myself physically ill trying to figure out how much contact I can handle and wondering what emotional price I will have to pay. Denial and avoidance can only hide the truth for so long--my third trip to the toilet this morning convinced me I am, again, a physical wreck over this. > > If it was just him, we could have a pleasant meeting over dinner. But because nada is involved it adds all kinds of pits and traps to what should be a nice get together. > > And here I am, struggling to figure out how to have a meaningful relationship with my father under these conditions. A no win situation. How do I ever get to letting go and acceptance? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 When you were little, your fada should have shouldered 100% of the responsibility for the quality of his relationship with you, because he had all the power and control. Now that you are an adult, and on an equal footing with your father, yes, its more of a 50-50 proposition RE responsibility for the quality of the relationship between the two of you. It was never, ever 100% your responsibility, but that's one of the ways our pd parents screw with our minds: making us believe that we ARE fully responsible for things they, themselves, should be responsible for. Its so horribly easy to mind-f**k a little child, who is born full of unconditional love and abject, innocent trust for her parents. -Annie > > > > I love my dad, I really do. Even though he is a dishrag and sad sack. He was there to protect me sometimes, at other times not. I believe he is brainwashed and immature. He has intervened at times to try to mediate truces--even if his mediation was misguided, ill-advised and unappreciated. I guess I give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't been overtly abusive, like nada is. He tells me he loves me, misses me, and is physically demonstrative (hugs, reaching out to hold hands), but he won't see the horrific in nada, and he won't openly cross her. If she cut me off completely tomorrow, he would not go against her. He will not secretly keep in contact with me, as that is 'against' her. > > > > The FOG comes into play because tomorrow is his birthday, followed by next Sunday being Father's Day. I am LC with them (1x monthly) and Dad keeps hoping I will make everything go back to what it once was (me enmeshed--daily communication--not a chance). > > > > I have been making myself physically ill trying to figure out how much contact I can handle and wondering what emotional price I will have to pay. Denial and avoidance can only hide the truth for so long--my third trip to the toilet this morning convinced me I am, again, a physical wreck over this. > > > > If it was just him, we could have a pleasant meeting over dinner. But because nada is involved it adds all kinds of pits and traps to what should be a nice get together. > > > > And here I am, struggling to figure out how to have a meaningful relationship with my father under these conditions. A no win situation. How do I ever get to letting go and acceptance? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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