Advice on what steps to take next?

June 13, 2011

My entire life my mother has made it clear that she felt I was a horrible

person. I never spent enough time with her, all of my friends are bad people,

anything I've said to her I must have been lying, etc. Very classic, textbook

BPD. After minimal contact for the last 10 years, last year she and my Dad were

buying a house with separate 'mother in law' quarters and asked me to move in so

I could get some necessary credits done (in order to transfer to a four year

college). I have one semester left (Ugh- math was never a strong suit), and had

made it clear when I moved in, as well as repeatedly throughout the last year

that as soon as I can transfer, I will leave. I've attempted to help out

somewhat around the house, but it's never enough. I try to stay as clear of

them as possible- which is fairly simple, as I have a separate entrance- but

apparently it's still too much/not enough. Last night, out of the blue, she

came into my space, told me she wants me out by august (to which I explained

that would mean I'd have to drop out again, and find a new job, in addition to

having wasted another year of tuition). Also mentioned was that I'm a horrible

family member, I ruin every holiday and that the family would be better off

without me. She also questioned my mental health (which I feel fairly secure in,

as this was another of her barbs she throws).

Well, so now I'm a little stuck. I can't really move out and go to school,

which is why they had asked me to move in in the first place. I'm relieved to

hear her acknowledge that the relationship is not working out. I had felt the

hole left of not having reliable, stable, loving family years ago, so it was

nice to hear that it wasn't all in my head.

My sister just moved home also, after graduation, and is living in their section

of the house quite happily. She's always been loved, supported, and is almost a

carbon copy of our mother. I can't look to her for reason, as she will stand

behind mom, no matter what. My dad has no spine, never has, and has

acknowledged throughout my life that his wife is a nut job when it comes to me.

So I guess, I'm wondering how I should navigate the minefield of her making vast

decisions for many people she shouldn't be (i.e.- grandmother,

aunts/uncles/cousins/siblings, etc), not drop out of school, maintain boundaries

(which is my only sanity-keeping force, that she's constantly trying to tear

down), and seek validation. I have spoken to friends and (them being bad people

and all, after 20 years of friendship, etc), who have seen her behavior and they

tell me it's her, not me. I've had therapists through the years tell me that

the healthiest relationship with my family is to be as separate from them as

possible. But I feel trapped, and in the same cycle with her again. It's

supremely difficult to be a secure, confident, well-adjusted person when all you

receive from your parents is beratement. I think I've managed fairly well-

until school, I've had a strong career record, long lasting healthy friendships,

etc. But every second of it is a struggle. Now that I'm facing down the rest

of my lifetime with absolutely no familial safety net (which was imagined and

hoped for anyhow, but now is a solid reality), how do I go about trying to be a

complete person? All the most successful, secure, stable people I know come

from healthy families.

June 13, 2011

I can relate to just about every aspect of this. My mother is a waif and my

father has more of the witchy/queeny aspects, even though he is more of an NPD

type.

My stay has lasted far too long and I am kind of a shadow of my former self.

I have a sister exactly the same way.

It hasn't been my experience though about the people with success being from

stable families. I have been in 12 step off and on since I was 23 and have seen

many people from horrible backgrounds do really well in life. Once they arrested

whatever addiction they had and surrounded themselves with loving supportive

people who had no destructive agenda, unlike our families, and who wanted them

to succeed and thrive in life. I think families with members who have unresolved

trauma are like a perpetual game of hot potato...they are always trying to throw

the 'bad', or the core of shame, onto someone else in the family, and enlisting

other members to help project it onto that person. The one who seems to catch

the potato is the one who gets the 'bad' on a permanent or semi-permanent basis.

It's funny it's the one who is unaware of the game or what the rules are and is

just trying to help, no matter how much the potato burns their hands. " Hey

everybody, there is this potato flying around, what should I do about it? I

guess I'll hold it til we figure things out. " And with that, the sick family

members are off to the races, while we stand there still holding the potato.

It's funny at times I have seen on my sister's face a kind of smirk, like she

knows good and well the game is fixed, and crooked, but since she knows the

rules she is all too happy to play and keep the projection off her and onto me.

Anyway, lots of people talk about family of origin vs. family of choice. I am

sometimes scared to try to find my family of choice. It has taken me 8 years in

this town to reach out and try to find suppport for myself outside my family.

Starting here is a good start. I just think she's trying to put her shame core

on you, and probably always will. It's what my dad has done to me all my life.

My mother, i only learned recently, does also, but it is almost always behind my

back, so I never knew how bad it was.

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> My entire life my mother has made it clear that she felt I was a horrible