Did things change at 11 for you?

[Guest guest]

For me there was something that happened to my mind when I was 11-12 where I

suddenly began to understand that something was very wrong with my nada and

that I was in a bad situation with no way out for many years. This was when

my problems with chronic depression started also. I've wondered for a long

time whether my brain developed enough to understand things where before that I

just took my nada's version as the truth. Her truth being that she was a

perfect mother, she and I were very close, and if anything was wrong it was

because of me. Up until that point I believed I was a lying ungrateful little

creature. Somehow I managed to have some happiness and normalcy up until about

11 and then the clouds settled in.

Did anyone else have a particular age of awakening about the reality of your

nada and FOO? Has anyone else struggled with lifelong depression related to

it?

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Yes, I was 10/11 when I realized for the first time that I had to limit my

goals/activities based on what my hermit nada couldn't handle. I also clearly

remember the scare tactic manipulations she used to get me to quit the swim team

and then coaching me on what I should say to the coach and my dad when they

asked me why.

From then on I was mindful to always test things with nada first, to see her

reaction. And cover for her by saying it was my choice, not hers. I was a good

little enabler, until my health deteriorated and I realized that all the 'sin

eating' I was doing for her was killing me!

I have had some mild depression, but nothing I would consider out of the norm

until I hit peri-meno 18 months ago--it's been a rocky time since then.

> For me there was something that happened to my mind when I was 11-12 where I

suddenly began to understand that something was very wrong with my nada and

that I was in a bad situation with no way out for many years. This was when

my problems with chronic depression started also. I've wondered for a long

time whether my brain developed enough to understand things where before that I

just took my nada's version as the truth. Her truth being that she was a

perfect mother, she and I were very close, and if anything was wrong it was

because of me. Up until that point I believed I was a lying ungrateful little

creature. Somehow I managed to have some happiness and normalcy up until about

11 and then the clouds settled in.

>

> Did anyone else have a particular age of awakening about the reality of your

nada and FOO? Has anyone else struggled with lifelong depression related to

it?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure when mine was. My dad was prone to rages (I think a lot in response

to my moms manipulations) and my mom was always pretending to protect us from

them.

Typical BPD - set up an ambush so she can rescue you from it and be the hero?

Anyway, I think I was somewhere in my early teens and was doing a lot of

sleepovers at my friends houses and realizing that other families were not like

mine. It was a while before I put two and two together and realized something

was seriously wrong with my family. I was probably closer to 14 or 15 when I had

that reality check. But around 12ish, I knew my family was not like other

families. Up until that point, I had no clue.

I think its the point in your life when your childhood innocence begins to fade

and you become more of a independent thinker. There are probably a lot of folks

who had similar revelations aroudn that age.

>

> For me there was something that happened to my mind when I was 11-12 where I

suddenly began to understand that something was very wrong with my nada and

that I was in a bad situation with no way out for many years. This was when

my problems with chronic depression started also. I've wondered for a long

time whether my brain developed enough to understand things where before that I

just took my nada's version as the truth. Her truth being that she was a

perfect mother, she and I were very close, and if anything was wrong it was

because of me. Up until that point I believed I was a lying ungrateful little

creature. Somehow I managed to have some happiness and normalcy up until about

11 and then the clouds settled in.

>

> Did anyone else have a particular age of awakening about the reality of your

nada and FOO? Has anyone else struggled with lifelong depression related to

it?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Yes. 11 was a really bad time for me.

I also think nada's crazy escalated horribly when I was that age. Her neglect

and abuse was NEVER more pronounced than when I was that age.

It makes me wonder if that " cusp of womanhood " thing really triggered her.

Either way, it was horrid.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> For me there was something that happened to my mind when I was 11-12 where I

suddenly began to understand that something was very wrong with my nada and

that I was in a bad situation with no way out for many years. This was when

my problems with chronic depression started also. I've wondered for a long

time whether my brain developed enough to understand things where before that I

just took my nada's version as the truth. Her truth being that she was a

perfect mother, she and I were very close, and if anything was wrong it was

because of me. Up until that point I believed I was a lying ungrateful little

creature. Somehow I managed to have some happiness and normalcy up until about

11 and then the clouds settled in.

>

> Did anyone else have a particular age of awakening about the reality of your

nada and FOO? Has anyone else struggled with lifelong depression related to

it?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

I think I was like around late thirties. lol.

I didn't get it. She blatantly lied to me and told me it was my fault and has

all my life. I can't explain why it has taken this long for the light to shine

in on me. I am not a stupid person. When my sister was going to therapy in her

twenties, she had told me most of it had to do with our mother, which shocked me

at the time and I couldn't fathom what she was talking about. My brother once

told me he felt my mother was responsible for a huge amount of the conflict

between she and my father and I was surprised because I saw it as being all my

father's fault.

I was soooooooooooooo snowed by her, even though I am the 'bad child' and the

other three are considered her 'good children' and they all see her for what she

is. It's very strange.

>

> For me there was something that happened to my mind when I was 11-12 where I

suddenly began to understand that something was very wrong with my nada and

that I was in a bad situation with no way out for many years. This was when

my problems with chronic depression started also. I've wondered for a long

time whether my brain developed enough to understand things where before that I

just took my nada's version as the truth. Her truth being that she was a

perfect mother, she and I were very close, and if anything was wrong it was

because of me. Up until that point I believed I was a lying ungrateful little

creature. Somehow I managed to have some happiness and normalcy up until about

11 and then the clouds settled in.

>

> Did anyone else have a particular age of awakening about the reality of your

nada and FOO? Has anyone else struggled with lifelong depression related to

it?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Karla, sorry to hear 11 was bad for you too. I never thought of that - " cusp

of womanhood " interesting! It's true that my nada always felt best and still

does when she can play the role of the all knowing parent - it comes off as

condescension rather than wisdom though. Maybe 11 was about the age that I

stopped cooperating too.

>

> Yes. 11 was a really bad time for me.

>

> I also think nada's crazy escalated horribly when I was that age. Her neglect

and abuse was NEVER more pronounced than when I was that age.

>

> It makes me wonder if that " cusp of womanhood " thing really triggered her.

>

> Either way, it was horrid.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

[Guest guest]

Eliza,

This is me!! I always thought I was the only one. Before my pre-teens I think I

was " in the dark " about my Nada's behavior. Looking back, I can see how truly

sick she was before I hit my pre-teens, but I definitely had a " wake-up-call "

when I hit about 11. My Nada always talked about how " dependent " on her I was

when I was a little girl. That I was scared of everything and she protected me

etc etc. I think when I became more independent and started to develop strong

friendships with people besides her (not that her actions towards me were ever

positive or normal or safe), it just ignited her sick behavior even more. The

more I pulled away, the more insane she became. It got worse as I got older

because I was so aware that something was very, very wrong with her and I would

not tolerate the way she treated me.

When I couldn't be " controlled " , that's when she would rage. And my FOO just

agreed with Nada that I was some snotty teenager. Funny thing is, looking back,

I was the exact opposite. But I really believed I was bad too.

I too am still working through all this. When I can afford a T I know I will be

able to deal with these unresolved feelings better. Until then, it is good to

have others who can relate to talk with.

Thank you for sharing!

- Cvidz

>

> For me there was something that happened to my mind when I was 11-12 where I

suddenly began to understand that something was very wrong with my nada and

that I was in a bad situation with no way out for many years. This was when

my problems with chronic depression started also. I've wondered for a long

time whether my brain developed enough to understand things where before that I

just took my nada's version as the truth. Her truth being that she was a

perfect mother, she and I were very close, and if anything was wrong it was

because of me. Up until that point I believed I was a lying ungrateful little

creature. Somehow I managed to have some happiness and normalcy up until about

11 and then the clouds settled in.

>

> Did anyone else have a particular age of awakening about the reality of your

nada and FOO? Has anyone else struggled with lifelong depression related to

it?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Add me to the group, too. I remember being around 11 or 12 when I finally

started to challenge some of the things Nada preached as absolute truth (backed

up by Biblical scriptures twisted to her advantage, of course). She used to tell

me all these horrible stories about how mad my dad would get, how he had severe

anger management problems, how he would just fly into a rage at the slightest

provocation.

And then I realized, wait, this isn't Dad Nada's describing, it's herself. It's

actually easier for me to talk to Dad. He was far more practical and controlled.

When I first started to voice these dissensions to Nada she would get angry, say

I was ignoring the truth, that I was too young to see it, that Dad and I were

ganging up on her. Never mind that my other four younger siblings felt the same

way.

I didn't find out what was really going on until after I turned 21. I wonder how

I might have grown up differently if I hadn't been " trained " by Nada to be

mistrustful of everyone.

Subject: Re: Re: Did things change at 11 for you?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, June 27, 2011, 6:13 PM

I was completely in the woods until the age of 19. My brother and I were

well clothed and fed and educated and things weren't bad in my early

childhood up until about age 11 or so when adolescence began besides the

fact that my mother had complete control over us which I obviously had no

idea of at the time, but thought was normal. She had her rages when we were

little from time to time and she was the only one allowed to get angry, but

for the most part, my brother and I added a lot to her life and I don't

think her BPD had progressed to where it is now and keywords: we made her

look good, so as long as we were adorable little extensions of herself (me,

especially because I was the girl and the eldest), there was peace in the

house.

However then came the inevitable growing up part and the natural separating

that is supposed to happen around that middle school age and beginning

adolescence never happened. I saw other kids separating and rebelling and

becoming their own people and it didn't happen for me then, but then again

those kids weren't being controlled by their parents. I was completely

brainwashed. I thought my parents knew best, I didn't know it wasn't normal

for your mother to be your best friend. But looking back I am beginning to

see how incredibly abnormal and unhealthy it was. The way she broke me up

from my first boyfriend when I was 16, an innocent caring boy and who

wouldn't hurt a fly, because she was afraid that by buying me dinner, he was

going to take advantage of me eg expect something in return. Or the way she

spread false information about a couple of my friend's boyfriends because

she liked to gossip with another mother and which as a result had me

unknowingly spreading these false things, and which put ME in the position

later of feeling awful and apologizing for, not her, while she looked on

from afar stirring the cauldron.

While we were still in the house though, we were obedient little puppies,

and even at the age of 18, were still under her control. Things weren't

right because I hadn't separated like teens were supposed to but I didn't

know that yet. She'd begun closet drinking heavily by then unbeknownst to me

and what really kicked the BPD into gear was our leaving for college, God

forbid we physically abandon her. My brother and I were made to feel like

bad people for growing up, that was our crime! And yet we were told we had

to get into good colleges and thus make the family look good too but boy

what a mixed message was sent. The guilt we felt for entering adulthood was

unfathomable and something no kid should have to experience.

[Guest guest]

Those with personality disorder often " project " , or dump their own unwanted

feelings or behaviors onto others. Its very crazy-making.

I'm glad that you and your siblings can be each others' " enlightened witnesses "

and can validate each other's reality. That can really help assuage your own

feelings of " I must be going crazy " , if at least one other person sees the

projection and dysfunction in your bpd parent and can validate you.

-Annie

>

>

> Subject: Re: Re: Did things change at 11 for you?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Monday, June 27, 2011, 6:13 PM

>

> I was completely in the woods until the age of 19. My brother and I were

> well clothed and fed and educated and things weren't bad in my early

> childhood up until about age 11 or so when adolescence began besides the

> fact that my mother had complete control over us which I obviously had no

> idea of at the time, but thought was normal. She had her rages when we were

> little from time to time and she was the only one allowed to get angry, but

> for the most part, my brother and I added a lot to her life and I don't

> think her BPD had progressed to where it is now and keywords: we made her

> look good, so as long as we were adorable little extensions of herself (me,

> especially because I was the girl and the eldest), there was peace in the

> house.

>

> However then came the inevitable growing up part and the natural separating

> that is supposed to happen around that middle school age and beginning

> adolescence never happened. I saw other kids separating and rebelling and

> becoming their own people and it didn't happen for me then, but then again

> those kids weren't being controlled by their parents. I was completely

> brainwashed. I thought my parents knew best, I didn't know it wasn't normal

> for your mother to be your best friend. But looking back I am beginning to

> see how incredibly abnormal and unhealthy it was. The way she broke me up

> from my first boyfriend when I was 16, an innocent caring boy and who

> wouldn't hurt a fly, because she was afraid that by buying me dinner, he was

> going to take advantage of me eg expect something in return. Or the way she

> spread false information about a couple of my friend's boyfriends because

> she liked to gossip with another mother and which as a result had me

> unknowingly spreading these false things, and which put ME in the position

> later of feeling awful and apologizing for, not her, while she looked on

> from afar stirring the cauldron.

>

> While we were still in the house though, we were obedient little puppies,

> and even at the age of 18, were still under her control. Things weren't

> right because I hadn't separated like teens were supposed to but I didn't

> know that yet. She'd begun closet drinking heavily by then unbeknownst to me

> and what really kicked the BPD into gear was our leaving for college, God

> forbid we physically abandon her. My brother and I were made to feel like

> bad people for growing up, that was our crime! And yet we were told we had

> to get into good colleges and thus make the family look good too but boy

> what a mixed message was sent. The guilt we felt for entering adulthood was

> unfathomable and something no kid should have to experience.

>

>

>