Guest guest Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Nada just finish her breast cancer operation, returned to the room under anesthesy but sometimes wake-up, say something and sleep again. I am on her bed side seeing her connected to tubes and sad to see her like this. It was my chance to hold her hands. At the beginning, she hold mine strongly then deeply sleep again. After a while I started to caress her face ( probably 1st time I do this on her) when she was snoring in deep sleep when, suddenly, she said in a very clear and awaked voice " stop touch me like this! " It shocked me. It seems she really hates any kind of caress... pretty sad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 That is sad. Perhaps being touched triggers memories of abuse for your nada? Or maybe she associates being caressed on her face strictly with sexual foreplay? It may not do any good, but have you tried asking her about that? I've had to accept that there are some things I will never know about my nada; when I'd ask for more information about the stories she did share (almost all of which were negative) she'd say she didn't remember, or she'd just not answer me. Plus, over the last several years in particular its become even clearer to me that my nada remembers things very, very differently than I do and other people do. My nada displays the " feelings are facts " cognitive distortion common to those with bpd. -Annie > > Nada just finish her breast cancer operation, returned to the room under anesthesy but sometimes wake-up, say something and sleep again. I am on her bed side seeing her connected to tubes and sad to see her like this. > It was my chance to hold her hands. At the beginning, she hold mine strongly then deeply sleep again. > After a while I started to caress her face ( probably 1st time I do this on her) when she was snoring in deep sleep when, suddenly, she said in a very clear and awaked voice " stop touch me like this! " > It shocked me. It seems she really hates any kind of caress... pretty sad > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Just my own experience, but maybe relevant....after surgery, (I have had several due to a physical condition) the body, and the nerve endings are distressed and confused, sending " where are you, please check in NOW!!! " messages to corresponding nerve endings and body parts that are no longer there. The entire physical system is in a state of alarm and shock It's integrity has been compromised, and it is trying to access the damage to, and needs of. the physical system as a whole.* And** * it is struggling through the haze of anesthesia to perform these tasks. For myself, any physical stimulation, patting, stroking, etc., during recovery sets off alarm signals in my already confused system, and is distressing. Interestingly, you mentioned that holding her hand did not seem to distress her. I find that after surgery, holding my hand to be *very *comforting, as long as no stroking, rubbing, etc., occurs. However regardless of the reason for her rejection of your caress; post surgical reaction or BPD issues, the the fact remains that it hurt. Rejection of our good intentions is always painful, especially with someone with whom we have a confusing and ambiguous history. We want our mothers to want us, to love us, to help us grow into our potential. We received something else, something that hurt us, and confused us, and left us doubting ourselves. Often for no other reason, than that the act of rejection and confusion fed their need for power and control. We *are*confused, and angry, and deeply, deeply hurt. Borderline perception is so convoluted. both by its very nature, and by the design of the BPD intent, that it is impossible to sort it out. I am reminded of a star trek episode in which Mr. Spock fries the brains of two identical androids by telling one of them that he loves her, and then tells her identical companion that he hates* her*, because she is exactly like her twin. The logic is perverse. There are so many people who would love and treasure your caress, you compassion and kindness. Your good intentions and loving touch are such valuable extensions of yourself. I am so sorry this gift could not be received in kind. Sunspot > > > Nada just finish her breast cancer operation, returned to the room under > anesthesy but sometimes wake-up, say something and sleep again. I am on her > bed side seeing her connected to tubes and sad to see her like this. > It was my chance to hold her hands. At the beginning, she hold mine > strongly then deeply sleep again. > After a while I started to caress her face ( probably 1st time I do this on > her) when she was snoring in deep sleep when, suddenly, she said in a very > clear and awaked voice " stop touch me like this! " > It shocked me. It seems she really hates any kind of caress... pretty sad > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 My nada doesn't like any physical touch except maybe a hug on occasion. If I tried to touch her face she would probably accuse me of a sexual overture! > > Nada just finish her breast cancer operation, returned to the room under anesthesy but sometimes wake-up, say something and sleep again. I am on her bed side seeing her connected to tubes and sad to see her like this. > It was my chance to hold her hands. At the beginning, she hold mine strongly then deeply sleep again. > After a while I started to caress her face ( probably 1st time I do this on her) when she was snoring in deep sleep when, suddenly, she said in a very clear and awaked voice " stop touch me like this! " > It shocked me. It seems she really hates any kind of caress... pretty sad > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 I definitely sympathize with how rejecting that was, but I don't think this is a BPD issue. Some people don't like to be touched casually, especially unexpectedly - I'm one of them. I think there are many reasons why that might be for different people. Still I'm sorry you weren't able to have the beautiful moment that could have been at that time. Eliza > > Nada just finish her breast cancer operation, returned to the room under anesthesy but sometimes wake-up, say something and sleep again. I am on her bed side seeing her connected to tubes and sad to see her like this. > It was my chance to hold her hands. At the beginning, she hold mine strongly then deeply sleep again. > After a while I started to caress her face ( probably 1st time I do this on her) when she was snoring in deep sleep when, suddenly, she said in a very clear and awaked voice " stop touch me like this! " > It shocked me. It seems she really hates any kind of caress... pretty sad > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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