Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Hi friends, I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 I think its natural to want our own parents to love us and to want to feel warmly connected with them, that's why is so amazingly difficult for us adult children of mentally ill parents to even realize that we were and in most cases still are being emotionally abused by our mother or father. We've been conditioned to accept that the horrible way they treat us is " love. " Perhaps instead of the term " imbalance " , it would be more useful to think of what you are experiencing as misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for your mother's feelings. It sounds to me like you believe that its your fault that she is " sitting around being miserable and hating me. " Her feelings are not your fault, and are not your responsibility, they are hers. If you have done nothing wrong, then you have nothing to feel guilty over, nothing you are responsible to " fix. " Drawing boundaries and enforcing them to protect yourself from further emotional abuse is morally neutral. It doesn't make you a bad person to simply withdraw and protect yourself from an abuser, any more than it makes you a bad person to pull your hand away from a hot stove or a snarling dog. If you can make this distinction in your mind/psyche, that you are not responsible for how your mother feels, she is, and you are not obligated to make yourself available for further abuse to please her, then in my opinion you will probably start to feel more balanced. -Annie > > Hi friends, > > I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > > I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > > Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > > Thanks. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 , One thing that might help is to remember that your nada's thoughts and feelings are HER responsibility, not yours. If she is sitting around hating you and thinking about how you've hurt her, that's her problem, not yours. Knowing that isn't always enough to stop yourself from thinking about it, but I think it does help to remind yourself of that each time you find yourself thinking about it. Also, it can help to distract yourself by filling your head with something else. I find that music works well when I'm in the car alone. Find some music that makes you feel happy and have it available to listen to in the car. When you're not in a position to turn on music or other distractions, try to turn your thoughts to something more productive. As you practice doing that, it will probably get easier. If you can't stop yourself from thinking about it, try to avoid seeing yourself as having hurt her. Your actions may have resulted in her feeling hurt, but the real reason she feels hurt is that she has BPD and thus gets hurt when you act the way normal people act. That is not your fault and you can't fix it. At 11:52 AM 06/17/2011 T wrote: >Hi friends, > >I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I >feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting >around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. >I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight >on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time >that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's >incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > >I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of >fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear >always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, >whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking >to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and >thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with >nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and >husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > >Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > >Thanks. > > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you both for responding. Annie is right about the guilt, and you're both right about her feelings not being my responsibility. I needed to be reminded of that. My anger is also at play in the feeling of imbalance. The whole crazy ordeal she created last week by checking herself into the ER and then blabbing to her friends about me not calling her really pissed me off. And there's no way for me to get resolution about it. In addition, I got three cards from her this week, with simple messages like " how are you? " and " I miss you, " which is also really really manipulative. I realize she's just doing whatever it is she feels like doing in the moment, that she's BPD, and this is what BPD's do. In the greater sense, there's no resolution with ANY of what BPD nadas do to us, and I understand that. But, that kind of thinking leads me to want to just forgive her and move on with my life.... and there's something vulnerable in doing that.... like somehow, letting go of my anger also opens me up to feeling pain instead of just leaving me open to freedom and joy. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, June 17, 2011 12:42 PM Subject: Re: Unbalanced feeling  , One thing that might help is to remember that your nada's thoughts and feelings are HER responsibility, not yours. If she is sitting around hating you and thinking about how you've hurt her, that's her problem, not yours. Knowing that isn't always enough to stop yourself from thinking about it, but I think it does help to remind yourself of that each time you find yourself thinking about it. Also, it can help to distract yourself by filling your head with something else. I find that music works well when I'm in the car alone. Find some music that makes you feel happy and have it available to listen to in the car. When you're not in a position to turn on music or other distractions, try to turn your thoughts to something more productive. As you practice doing that, it will probably get easier. If you can't stop yourself from thinking about it, try to avoid seeing yourself as having hurt her. Your actions may have resulted in her feeling hurt, but the real reason she feels hurt is that she has BPD and thus gets hurt when you act the way normal people act. That is not your fault and you can't fix it. At 11:52 AM 06/17/2011 T wrote: >Hi friends, > >I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I >feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting >around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. >I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight >on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time >that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's >incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > >I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of >fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear >always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, >whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking >to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and >thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with >nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and >husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > >Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > >Thanks. > > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Wow! What a relief to hear others feel this way too. Thanks for posting about this! Today I was going through this while driving the car-and feeling crappy that I was doing the yucky feelings and imaginary argument thing in my head when it is a beautiful day and my sweet little guy is babbling away in the backseat. I think this is where the Nada's get more power than they deserve. Not sure what other people's experience is on this issue-but I can know something in my logical brain (she's crazy and responsible, not me) but it just can't convince my animal brain that it's ok, there is no danger or threat. It's almost like being an animal hiding from a predator-you know they are lurking out there and it's not safe to relax. Something that has given me a ray of hope on coping with this is neurofeedback therapy. I'm supposed to be starting in a few weeks and hope it can tone down this very PTSD response to a person being out there and hating, smearing etc. > >Hi friends, > > > >I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I > >feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting > >around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. > >I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight > >on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time > >that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's > >incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > > > >I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of > >fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear > >always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, > >whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking > >to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and > >thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with > >nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and > >husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > > > >Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > > > >Thanks. > > > > > > -- > Katrina > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 I have to keep stopping those conversations in my head where I start out going " I'm going to tell her.... " and plot out a way to express myself. My therapist believes that it all starts with thoughts and I have to learn to switch the thoughts in another direction. I am glad that she believes this because I feel it is true, and i like having someone hold me to this because it is not an easy thing to accept. I have just been through the ultimate betrayal though, so I am finding it a bit easier to stop those conversations. Even though i live on the same land with her (and mine is very amicable most of the time, she is a waif, not a witch/queen). but in my case I have behaved very selflessly over the past year (though in some ways codependent) on her behalf, her husbands behalf, and my nephews behalf. I have really put a lot on the line, and her drive and dedication to be a martyr lead her to assassinate my character to my sister in law, who is a bpd queen who has her witch moments too unfortunately. this was like being hit over the head with a baseball bat. I did NOT see it coming, that she would damage my character in a way that could potentially hurt my nephews in the case of a custody battle, because I have been going to such lengths to document the treatment of my nephews. she was all too willing to portray me as 'the crazy one' to my sister in law who is essentially the devil and has destroyed my parent's house with her hoarder tendencies and taken years off my dad's life. and seeing my nephews mistreated and realizing that they are not important enough for her to get professional help to deal with this sitaution. just as *I* was not important enough to protect. It depersonalized it for me and made me realize that to her, only SHE is worthy of protecting, from reality itself, and that urge to protect her comfort level comes before EVERYTHING in this life. In other words, she is how she is, and I can't change her. I have been trying for 40 years to give her the courage to help herself, and she doesn't change. She just drains me dry and sticks knives in my back. Maybe it was seeing these precious beautiful children not be protected by her (by her setting limits and boundaries about the cleaning, and lack of supervision by SIL, etc) that did it for me, that made me realize its NOT me, even though she always told me it was. Believing I could do something, anything to help her or change her situation kept me stuck. Now I can see, she will never do anything to help herself, because she is COMFORTABLE being abused. I know for certain now interactions, arguments, trying to get her to 'see the light' about anything, etc, are just self-abusive. I probably am personalizing this too much but I really related to your post. But you have no *responsibility* to do these things, and I think that is where the guilt comes from. Because I was made *responsible for her problems and happiness when i was around 7 or 8. And it's a great tool of manipulation. But a therapist once told me, 'if you do it for her, she won't do it.' And that has proven to be true. The best way I have of helping her is backing up and staying away and not interacting. I have proven to myself once and for all that getting involved keeps her stuck. > > Hi friends, > > I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > > I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > > Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > > Thanks. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 , Ahh!! I struggle with this too! I'll just be going about my daily routine and ::POOF:: something nada said to me or did to me at one time or another will pop into my head and I will feel " unbalanced. " I am NC with my Nada and have been for 3 years, yet I still struggle with these interruptions. I find the distractions are good, but I agree with the other posts that an internal mantra is best. For me, stepping back from the feelings and saying to myself that it is " NOT MY FAULT " and that " she does not control me " helps. Reassuring myself helps... and coming on this board helps me too. It is just good to read what others have to say about their experiences. Just the simple validation that others have experienced growing up with a BP in their life helps. I can definitely sympathize! In my perfect world I could eliminate the thoughts, eliminate the imaginary dialogues, or be able to erase the tape instead of constantly replaying and pausing and rewinding... it gets exhausting. Best of luck and strength to you and all of us, - Cvidz > > Hi friends, > > I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > > I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > > Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > > Thanks. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 I experience those " negative tapes " in nada's voice playing in my head sometimes, and it is frustrating and distracting and makes me sad. So, what I do is deliberately say the opposite, out loud if I can, to sort of erase the negative tape and replace it with a more positive re-recording, so to speak. For example, if I spill something in the kitchen, I instantly hear my nada's voice screeching, " You stupid, clumsy IDIOT! Look at that MESS! How can you be such a KLUTZ, etc. " So then, I just say out loud " Oops! Wow, that went everywhere, but I can clean it up in no time. Not a problem. No big deal. That's what paper towels are for. There, its all clean now! " So, its kind of like undoing the brainwashing, deprogramming the cult-like conditioning that was my childhood of being raised by a mother with Cluster B pds PLUS obsessive-compulsive pd, which is all about rigid rules, obsessiveness over things being in order, hyper-cleanliness, perfectionism, unrealistic expectations of others and being difficult if not impossible to please. So, yes, things like cognitive therapy, behavioral therapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy can help us recognize when we're letting old, negative, toxic, self-hating tapes play in our heads, and help us learn various ways to distract ourselves and erase or re-record over the negative messages, and be more " in the moment. " -Annie > > > > Hi friends, > > > > I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > > > > I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > > > > Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > > > > Thanks. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 " In other words, she is how she is, and I can't change her. I have been trying for 40 years to give her the courage to help herself, and she doesn't change. She just drains me dry and sticks knives in my back. Maybe it was seeing these precious beautiful children not be protected by her (by her setting limits and boundaries about the cleaning, and lack of supervision by SIL, etc) that did it for me, that made me realize its NOT me, even though she always told me it was. Believing I could do something, anything to help her or change her situation kept me stuck. Now I can see, she will never do anything to help herself, because she is COMFORTABLE being abused. I know for certain now interactions, arguments, trying to get her to 'see the light' about anything, etc, are just self-abusive. " I was about to say this same thing. Once I saw evidence that convinced me that nothing, absolutely nothing I could ever do could ever fix her or change her, I was able to stop feeling like you describe. Feel better. Her BPD is not your fault. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 I am wondering about how different our adult personalities would have been,had we grown up with " normal " loving, parents. How free of constant guilt and paralizing fear of thinking about our own well being without those invisible chains that tie us down to our foo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 I think we can make ourselves crazy or very, very depressed thinking about what might have been, grieving for what we never had. I think the healthiest thing we can do is go forward from *now*, be our own rescuer *now*, and have as healthy and productive a life as possible *now*, in spite of what our childhoods were like, because WE DESERVE HAPPINESS. We've been punished enough for several lifetimes; its time to just break those chains, walk away from the toxic foo, and go have some fun now. Screw the bpds and what they think. Just screw 'em. Who cares what they think, anyway? Go be happy and good and productive. -Annie > > I am wondering about how different our adult personalities would have been,had we grown up with " normal " > loving, parents. How free of constant guilt and paralizing fear of thinking about our own well being without those invisible chains that tie us down to our foo. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 I know how you feel. I don't like unresolved situations. I feel like I need to defend myself and make them understand. But with my mother, I realize she doesn't want to be convinced and doesn't really want to listen or resolve anything. She just wants to be in her comfort zone with nothing to shake things up at all. Your mother might hate you and think you've hurt her even if you reached out to her and explained everything in detail. I agree with you, I really don't like that feeling, but sometimes people just want you to go back to status quo. Can you talk to someone, a therapist or someone to help you sort htings out? > > Hi friends, > > I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > > I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > > Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > > Thanks. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 What you are describing is exactly where I go when I need to do some serious process work. I usually call my therapist for a visit or start journaling, reading about BPD so I can put together the FLEAS I might be acting or what's triggering me. This is hard work, and it comes in cycles/waves. You sound like you are just heading into a cycle of big realization and need some tools to help you through it! > > > > Hi friends, > > > > I am struggling with this feeling of imbalance in my life... I feel yucky and upset inside when I think about my nada sitting around somewhere hating me and thinking how much I've hurt her. I hate feeling unresolved.... it feels like a big heavy weight on my shoulders, nagging at me and reminding me all the time that there is an argument (more like 20 arguments) that's incomplete.... there is unfinished business waiting for you!! > > > > I've been keeping busy, seeing my friends, cooking lots of fresh veggies, and tending to my back pain (which I swear always flares up when there's imbalance in my life).... still, whenever I get myself alone in the car, in the shower, walking to and from the restroom at work.... all the feelings and thoughts jump in and take over! I find myself fighting with nada in my head instead of looking forward to the ice cream and husband who will be waiting for me at home tonight.... > > > > Anyone else struggled with this? Anyone have advice?? > > > > Thanks. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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