Father's Suicide- Mother's Abandonment

[Guest guest]

I just found this group...it's my first post....

I am so lost here. My bpd mother has just pulled her " banishment act " again only

days after my Father's suicide. They had been estranged for years and she had

been asked by the family to please make here appearance at the memorial brief

given the bad blood with several of the family members.

Normally one would assume that this would not even need to be said given the

circumstances, but everyone knows that if not previously guided, my mom would

not be able to perceive that her presence could be a problem for some of the

mourners and politely keep her visit brief. I unfortunately had the task of

relaying this request to her.

She ran out of the house crying. Then called my father's mother and chewed her

out. THen sent me a message saying that I would get my wish. She would not come

at all. Not to contact her for a long time. Poof! I'm banished. The last

banishment only ended a few weeks ago, so it's almost comical, except. My Father

just committed suicide and it really hurts how whenever she is needed most she's

too busy trying to make you feel like you've done soemthing horrible to her. Can

anyone else relate or offer some advice? I'm so hurt and angry. Sometimes I feel

like I'm the one who's going crazy....

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Dealing with your

father's suicide would be hard enough even without your mother's

behavior. You're not the one who is crazy. This sounds so

typical of our nadas. ( " Nada " is the term we use for our

non-mother-like mothers.)

People with BPD often act their worst at times when other people

are least able to deal with it. They feel neglected and

abandoned when someone/something else is the center of attention

so they feel the need to act out to put themselves more in the

center of things, or to punish those who are " abandoning " them.

My advice is to remember that her behavior is about her, not

about you. People with BPD aren't capable of feeling emotions in

the same way the rest of us do. That's not your fault and you

can't do anything to change it. If she says she wants to not

have contact with you, I'd recommend ignoring her behavior and

just go on living your life without her. If she's misbehaving in

order to create drama so that she gets more attention, the best

way to short-circuit that is to not let her have the drama.

She's most likely learned over the years that acting the way she

does gets her what she wants. She'll keep doing it as long as

she perceives a reward for doing so. Changing your reactions to

her behavior can be hard and will probably take time, but it is

really the only way to deal with a nada. It would be nice is you

had a normal mother who could be supportive during hard times,

but you don't.

I find that it helps me to view my nada as being emotionally

like a toddler. Toddlers throw tantrums when they don't get what

they want because they lack the maturity to accept being told

" no " My nada's outbursts are pretty much the same thing. The

details of her tantrums aren't the same as a child's because she

has a lot more knowledge and experience, but the emotions behind

them are the same. You can feel sorry that a toddler is crying

and feels hurt, but that doesn't mean that telling the child

" no " was wrong or something to feel guilty about. Similarly, we

can feel sorry that our nadas are upset that they didn't get

what they wanted from us, but that doesn't mean that we were

wrong to do whatever upset them.

You have my condolences on the loss of your father. I hope you

have other more supportive people around you who can help you

get through this.

At 08:49 AM 06/17/2011 childobpd wrote:

>I just found this group...it's my first post....

>

>I am so lost here. My bpd mother has just pulled her

> " banishment act " again only

>days after my Father's suicide. They had been estranged for

>years and she had

>been asked by the family to please make here appearance at the

>memorial brief

>given the bad blood with several of the family members.

>

>Normally one would assume that this would not even need to be

>said given the

>circumstances, but everyone knows that if not previously

>guided, my mom would

>not be able to perceive that her presence could be a problem

>for some of the

>mourners and politely keep her visit brief. I unfortunately had

>the task of

>relaying this request to her.

>

>She ran out of the house crying. Then called my father's mother

>and chewed her

>out. THen sent me a message saying that I would get my wish.

>She would not come

>at all. Not to contact her for a long time. Poof! I'm banished.

>The last

>banishment only ended a few weeks ago, so it's almost comical,

>except. My Father

>just committed suicide and it really hurts how whenever she is

>needed most she's

>too busy trying to make you feel like you've done soemthing

>horrible to her. Can

>anyone else relate or offer some advice? I'm so hurt and angry.

>Sometimes I feel

>like I'm the one who's going crazy....

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, dear. My condolences on losing your father; that's a

terrible loss and a shock for you, I'm sure, on many levels. Then to have your

bpd mother act out in such a negative, hurtful way on top of it. Well, let's

just say that you've found a group of people here who can relate to what you've

described.

The regular events of life seem to bring out the very worst negative acting-out

behaviors in those with bpd. Weddings, births, holidays, graduations and deaths

apparently trigger all their abandonment issues and are perceived as challenges

to their narcissistic need to be the center of attention.

I wish you the strength and endurance to get through this very stressful time of

loss of your father, and allow yourself to not feel responsible for the way your

mother thinks, feels, or behaves. She is an adult, and even though she has a

personality disorder she IS responsible for her own words, feelings and actions,

not you. You didn't make her have a personality disorder and nothing you can

say or do can cure her. That's up to her, its on her shoulders.

I hope you will be able to find some validation and support and healing here at

the Group. To use a 60's phrase, we get where you're coming from.

-Annie

>

> I just found this group...it's my first post....

>

> I am so lost here. My bpd mother has just pulled her " banishment act " again

only

> days after my Father's suicide. They had been estranged for years and she had

> been asked by the family to please make here appearance at the memorial brief

> given the bad blood with several of the family members.

>

> Normally one would assume that this would not even need to be said given the

> circumstances, but everyone knows that if not previously guided, my mom would

> not be able to perceive that her presence could be a problem for some of the

> mourners and politely keep her visit brief. I unfortunately had the task of

> relaying this request to her.

>

> She ran out of the house crying. Then called my father's mother and chewed her

> out. THen sent me a message saying that I would get my wish. She would not

come

> at all. Not to contact her for a long time. Poof! I'm banished. The last

> banishment only ended a few weeks ago, so it's almost comical, except. My

Father

> just committed suicide and it really hurts how whenever she is needed most

she's

> too busy trying to make you feel like you've done soemthing horrible to her.

Can

> anyone else relate or offer some advice? I'm so hurt and angry. Sometimes I

feel

> like I'm the one who's going crazy....

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry about your dad, my thoughts and prayers are with you. My therapist

has been reminding me that whenever there is drama that is what bdp's live for

and they seem to want to be not only in the midst of it but the most dramatic

person in the room or whatever, it's just natural to there affliction. There is

nothing you can really do, except get support for the grief process to deal with

the passing of your father, i am so sorry for your loss.

>

> I just found this group...it's my first post....

>

> I am so lost here. My bpd mother has just pulled her " banishment act " again

only

> days after my Father's suicide. They had been estranged for years and she had

> been asked by the family to please make here appearance at the memorial brief

> given the bad blood with several of the family members.

>

> Normally one would assume that this would not even need to be said given the

> circumstances, but everyone knows that if not previously guided, my mom would

> not be able to perceive that her presence could be a problem for some of the

> mourners and politely keep her visit brief. I unfortunately had the task of

> relaying this request to her.

>

> She ran out of the house crying. Then called my father's mother and chewed her

> out. THen sent me a message saying that I would get my wish. She would not

come

> at all. Not to contact her for a long time. Poof! I'm banished. The last

> banishment only ended a few weeks ago, so it's almost comical, except. My

Father

> just committed suicide and it really hurts how whenever she is needed most

she's

> too busy trying to make you feel like you've done soemthing horrible to her.

Can

> anyone else relate or offer some advice? I'm so hurt and angry. Sometimes I

feel

> like I'm the one who's going crazy....

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, for the supportive responses. It feels amazing to have other people

to validate my feelings without even having to explain the details. So few

people can really " get " what I'm talking about when I describe my mother's

disorder. For years, I thought it was me.

Thank you for the condolences as well. It is a horrible situation. My dad had a

npd and was quite abusive. Fortunately not to me, but there are plenty of issues

there without the added drama of my mother's bpd.

It's wierd both of my parents always strove to treat me well despite there pds.

My brother was always the target. I was like the fairy princess. They built me

up while they tore him down. It wasn't until I became engaged that my mother's

bpd turned to me with it's full horror for the first time and then at regular

intervals ever since. There were good times, and I must have been the only one

fooled by her, but I experienced a loving mother at times. It wasn't until this

final straw, that I am finally mourning the loss of the mother that I hoped

would get well and be there for me.

It's like a double wammy. I knew it was coming, but I never dreamed whe would

abandon me at a time like this. She did pull the drama with my wedding and again

with my son's birth and a few times since. I started reading the books and since

then it has picked up steam. I guess she isn't getting what she wants from me

and is just trying harder. I was hoping this last round was an extinction burst,

but even though I always forgive her and take her back into my life, this might

be the final straw for me. To abandon me at this time and to accuse me of being

the one who is selfish and hurtful and that my father would be disgusted with

me, etc. I just don't think I can take much more...

It sucks,but I guess I'm out two parents...

Thank again for the support...it's keeping me sane