Re: Life insurance update (and distortion B.S.)

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your support and advice! It is amazing to not be isolated

anymore about the whole BPD thing. Sorry for the long post!

I am going to push the insurance company to investigate as much as possible

(although after their initial response, their actions were disappointng). My

husband will be dealing with his mother this weekend so there will be a lot of

family fallout/rage. Nada in law is NOT allowed around our son(we only had

supervised visits before anyway). I've spoken to a friend in law enforcement and

he has told me to try through the insurance company first, as the police would

not charge her due to her intent (she'll say she was just trying to do something

nice)and that it is a family situation. I've called my therapist and we are

going to meet with her to discuss some new boundary setting strategies and help

my husband and I find some sort of solution to having a relationship with the

family and not putting up with the abuse (this is probably asking for too much).

As for my husband, we are in a difficult spot. He wants to have a relationship

with his sweet enabler father and brothers, but knows he would lose that if we

go n/c with his nada. He is also afraid her abuse (distortion campaign)would

become much worse toward me if we cut the relationship off. I can see his point,

but I don't agree with putting up with less abuse to avoid more. But, he has

gone through absolute hell as a child and a teen (I witnessed it as we have been

friends since we were babies) so I can see how this makes a sort of twisted

sense. THe biggest issue I find in setting boundaries with his nada (and his

sisters who act BPD and enforce nada's wishes)is they are nice to your face,

with the odd backhanded compliment thrown in for good measure. All the things I

posted about before sort of worm their way out over time, and it's so hard to

pin down. I KNOW she said those awful things, but when you try to do anything

about it-it's all " oh, you must have misunderstood " . Their other form of

punishment is to ignore you in a very obvious way when you are with them.

ie-pretend you aren't talking and ignore, get up and leave if you sit near them.

Nada and sisters support each other in this and it hurts. I feel like I did when

I was the kid on the playground no one would play with. It's worse because

everyone knows it's being done, and you get looks like you are shit from them

because you have done something to upset Nada so you must be bad...(I loved the

comment that they are a mini cult) If you call them on it-they make you look

crazy like it's all in your head. I usually leave or just ignore their crap and

talk to my husband when they do this. It makes him angry and he is supportive of

leaving, but it still sucks! It's also getting worse the more boundaries we set.

My husband is great at handling the open rage and attacks but is lost on the

mean backhanded distortion campaign garbage and ignoring. Does anyone have any

suggestions on how they deal with distortion campaigns and this other crap???

WOuld love to hear any suggestions and experiences others have had.

GGF

[Guest guest]

I would start keeping a private diary/blog/journal and record every incident you

experience of abusive behaviors from your toxic family-in-law. Be specific

about time/location/date/circumstances. Write down the names of witnesses if

there are any. Write down specific quotes, contradictions, denials, samples of

libel (written lies) and slander (spoken lies) and particularly, samples of

threats, etc.

This may come in handy later if you find you are forced to get a restraining

order or find that you do need to press charges against her for identity theft.

I'm glad for you that your husband decided to have a talk with his mother about

this and that you're even going to take it up together in therapy. That's good

that you'll have your therapist as an advocate and witness, RE all the abusive,

actually criminal crap that your bpd mil has been pulling. Libel, slander, and

identity theft/forging are criminal acts and are prosecutable.

Good for you for standing up for yourself in this matter. That shows great

personal courage, strength and integrity; you have a core of steel, me dear!

Kudos from me!

-Annie

>

> Thanks everyone for your support and advice! It is amazing to not be isolated

anymore about the whole BPD thing. Sorry for the long post!

>

> I am going to push the insurance company to investigate as much as possible

(although after their initial response, their actions were disappointng). My

husband will be dealing with his mother this weekend so there will be a lot of

family fallout/rage. Nada in law is NOT allowed around our son(we only had

supervised visits before anyway). I've spoken to a friend in law enforcement and

he has told me to try through the insurance company first, as the police would

not charge her due to her intent (she'll say she was just trying to do something

nice)and that it is a family situation. I've called my therapist and we are

going to meet with her to discuss some new boundary setting strategies and help

my husband and I find some sort of solution to having a relationship with the

family and not putting up with the abuse (this is probably asking for too much).

>

> As for my husband, we are in a difficult spot. He wants to have a relationship

with his sweet enabler father and brothers, but knows he would lose that if we

go n/c with his nada. He is also afraid her abuse (distortion campaign)would

become much worse toward me if we cut the relationship off. I can see his point,

but I don't agree with putting up with less abuse to avoid more. But, he has

gone through absolute hell as a child and a teen (I witnessed it as we have been

friends since we were babies) so I can see how this makes a sort of twisted

sense. THe biggest issue I find in setting boundaries with his nada (and his

sisters who act BPD and enforce nada's wishes)is they are nice to your face,

with the odd backhanded compliment thrown in for good measure. All the things I

posted about before sort of worm their way out over time, and it's so hard to

pin down. I KNOW she said those awful things, but when you try to do anything

about it-it's all " oh, you must have misunderstood " . Their other form of

punishment is to ignore you in a very obvious way when you are with them.

ie-pretend you aren't talking and ignore, get up and leave if you sit near them.

Nada and sisters support each other in this and it hurts. I feel like I did when

I was the kid on the playground no one would play with. It's worse because

everyone knows it's being done, and you get looks like you are shit from them

because you have done something to upset Nada so you must be bad...(I loved the

comment that they are a mini cult) If you call them on it-they make you look

crazy like it's all in your head. I usually leave or just ignore their crap and

talk to my husband when they do this. It makes him angry and he is supportive of

leaving, but it still sucks! It's also getting worse the more boundaries we set.

My husband is great at handling the open rage and attacks but is lost on the

mean backhanded distortion campaign garbage and ignoring. Does anyone have any

suggestions on how they deal with distortion campaigns and this other crap???

WOuld love to hear any suggestions and experiences others have had.

> GGF

>

[Guest guest]

I agree - it's not so much that these BPD parents are necessarily planning an

illegal event (although some of them surely are) - it's more like they simply

can't recognize anybody else's rights to personal property, privacy, or

self-determination. If they think of an idea, they feel entitled to just go

ahead and act, even if it involves trespassing on their adult child's parental

authority (i.e., picking up a grandchild from school without clearing it in

advance with the child's parents), or in a case like yours, actually going so

far as to forge your signature. In their mind, there's no big deal. It's a

life insurance policy. So what? They don't see the " creepiness " factor, and can

glibly explain away any objections you might have - it's a benefit for the

child! It would come in handy in a worst-case scenario! You're being too

sensitive! - Bleah.

I am firmly in your camp on this one - document everything, never let

nada-in-law have unsupervised access to your child (no matter what age), and

give yourself an " out " from these family events. I think you mentioned that

you're pressured to go " make nice " at frequent family gatherings. I suggest

that there is no good reason for you to go visit and put yourself and your child

at her mercy. There's almost always something else to do in a busy parent's

life, so it's easy to find excuses (I've been finding them for over a decade).

Your husband has a perfect right to visit his parents and family, and you have

an equally perfect right NOT to. In addition, you have a right and a

responsibility to protect your child from anybody who is a threat - whether it

be physical or emotional. Go out of town for the holidays, plan your vacation

trips to coincide with family reunions, and never apologize for it. Just be

elsewhere and let them stew in their own dysfunctional juices.

> >

> > Thanks everyone for your support and advice! It is amazing to not be

isolated anymore about the whole BPD thing. Sorry for the long post!

> >

> > I am going to push the insurance company to investigate as much as possible

(although after their initial response, their actions were disappointng). My

husband will be dealing with his mother this weekend so there will be a lot of

family fallout/rage. Nada in law is NOT allowed around our son(we only had

supervised visits before anyway). I've spoken to a friend in law enforcement and

he has told me to try through the insurance company first, as the police would

not charge her due to her intent (she'll say she was just trying to do something

nice)and that it is a family situation. I've called my therapist and we are

going to meet with her to discuss some new boundary setting strategies and help

my husband and I find some sort of solution to having a relationship with the

family and not putting up with the abuse (this is probably asking for too much).

> >

> > As for my husband, we are in a difficult spot. He wants to have a

relationship with his sweet enabler father and brothers, but knows he would lose

that if we go n/c with his nada. He is also afraid her abuse (distortion

campaign)would become much worse toward me if we cut the relationship off. I can

see his point, but I don't agree with putting up with less abuse to avoid more.

But, he has gone through absolute hell as a child and a teen (I witnessed it as

we have been friends since we were babies) so I can see how this makes a sort of

twisted sense. THe biggest issue I find in setting boundaries with his nada (and

his sisters who act BPD and enforce nada's wishes)is they are nice to your face,

with the odd backhanded compliment thrown in for good measure. All the things I

posted about before sort of worm their way out over time, and it's so hard to

pin down. I KNOW she said those awful things, but when you try to do anything

about it-it's all " oh, you must have misunderstood " . Their other form of

punishment is to ignore you in a very obvious way when you are with them.

ie-pretend you aren't talking and ignore, get up and leave if you sit near them.

Nada and sisters support each other in this and it hurts. I feel like I did when

I was the kid on the playground no one would play with. It's worse because

everyone knows it's being done, and you get looks like you are shit from them

because you have done something to upset Nada so you must be bad...(I loved the

comment that they are a mini cult) If you call them on it-they make you look

crazy like it's all in your head. I usually leave or just ignore their crap and

talk to my husband when they do this. It makes him angry and he is supportive of

leaving, but it still sucks! It's also getting worse the more boundaries we set.

My husband is great at handling the open rage and attacks but is lost on the

mean backhanded distortion campaign garbage and ignoring. Does anyone have any

suggestions on how they deal with distortion campaigns and this other crap???

WOuld love to hear any suggestions and experiences others have had.

> > GGF

> >

>