a text between my father and I

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for the support regarding my divorce. I really appreciate the

comments. Things are stressful, but going as smoothly as can be expected. We

are amicable.

Now, I wanted to share something my father sent me. This started over me not

answering a text he sent yesterday asking me what I was doing. When I went back

and looked, he had sent the first text at 10:42 am and the next one came last

night around 10:30 pm. I had company in the morning when he text'd and planned

to answer it later, but forgot. Recently, I have had discussions over the fact

that he let my mother have free reign and did nothing to stop her emotional

abuse. He gets all defensive and blames me for it by saying that I was a

teenager and should have stood up to her. He actually had the audacity to tell

me I wasn't normal because I didn't rebel as a teenager. Ugh.

Anyway, my therapist has thought for a long time that my dad was BPD too. I

think it's important to add that he and my sister were here last Friday,

Saturday, and Sunday and we got along fine. He has not left me voice mails and

we have had several texts going back and forth during this past week.

This is word for word. I didn't change spellings or words around:

Dad: Hey what are you doing today?

Dad: Ok I get it. You have made it more than clear you want nothing to do with

me. I wont bother you any more. Im really sorry you feel that way. Even though

you hate me and hold me responsible for your problems, I will always love you no

matter what.

Me: What r u talking about?

Me: Why r u saying that? I never said anything like that.

Dad: You didn't have to say it. Your actions prove it. You never respond to

calls or txt. You told me I was a bad dad and maybe I was but I tried to provide

for all of you.

Me: When did I say that and u haven't called me.

Dad: I have called you several times and txt you a bunch all with no response. U

know that is true. U haven't responded to S (my sister) either. Left several

messages.

Me: I just left S a message a few hours ago. I was busy when she called and I

talked to her yesterday. I called her back but she didn't answer. I don't know

what ur talking about.

Me: U know what, I have too much to deal with to deal with this too. I hope you

enjoy being a victim.

Dad: I left a lot of voice messages. You are trying to kill me with stress I

guess. You don't seem to care.

Dad: U sure do well at it

[Guest guest]

Based on the conversation you posted, I think your dad has some bpd traits, if

not full-blown bpd.

In a similar way, my nada demanded instant compliance and silent obedience from

me and Sister as kids, and that expectation of hers dragged into our teen and

adult years as well. If we didn't snap to quick enough to suit nada, there was

hell to pay.

They're just... incredibly difficult people to be around. (Well, my nada is

incredibly difficult for me and Sister to be around, anyway; other people think

she's adorable.) Hence the " walking on eggshells " analogy. Any little thing

can set them off.

To me, it felt like my mother was eagerly *looking* for reasons to go off on me,

any little misstep or error on my part, and she'd jump on it and rake me over

the coals. It seemed to me like she enjoyed it. And sometimes I'd get raked

over the coals and I didn't even know why.

So, yes, in a similar way your dad jumped on you and accused you of being

hateful when all that happened was that you didn't answer his text immediately.

He blew that all out of proportion (cognitive distortion, lack of emotional

regulation) and interpreted that to mean that you never want to talk to him

again.

BPD behavior is often about drama: exaggerating things, over-reacting to what

most people would consider minor issues, and taking neutral comments or actions

and putting a negative spin on them.

I wish I could detach enough to have at least a superficial relationship with my

nada, but I still can't. Just thinking about resuming contact with her makes my

stomach hurt, or a headache start. So I admire those who can manage to have

even minimal contact even though it's at a cost to yourself; you're being very

courageous and selfless to willingly put yourself in the line of fire like that.

-Annie

>

>

> Thank you all for the support regarding my divorce. I really appreciate the

comments. Things are stressful, but going as smoothly as can be expected. We

are amicable.

>

> Now, I wanted to share something my father sent me. This started over me not

answering a text he sent yesterday asking me what I was doing. When I went back

and looked, he had sent the first text at 10:42 am and the next one came last

night around 10:30 pm. I had company in the morning when he text'd and planned

to answer it later, but forgot. Recently, I have had discussions over the fact

that he let my mother have free reign and did nothing to stop her emotional

abuse. He gets all defensive and blames me for it by saying that I was a

teenager and should have stood up to her. He actually had the audacity to tell

me I wasn't normal because I didn't rebel as a teenager. Ugh.

>

> Anyway, my therapist has thought for a long time that my dad was BPD too. I

think it's important to add that he and my sister were here last Friday,

Saturday, and Sunday and we got along fine. He has not left me voice mails and

we have had several texts going back and forth during this past week.

>

> This is word for word. I didn't change spellings or words around:

>

> Dad: Hey what are you doing today?

>

> Dad: Ok I get it. You have made it more than clear you want nothing to do with

me. I wont bother you any more. Im really sorry you feel that way. Even though

you hate me and hold me responsible for your problems, I will always love you no

matter what.

>

> Me: What r u talking about?

>

> Me: Why r u saying that? I never said anything like that.

>

> Dad: You didn't have to say it. Your actions prove it. You never respond to

calls or txt. You told me I was a bad dad and maybe I was but I tried to provide

for all of you.

>

> Me: When did I say that and u haven't called me.

>

> Dad: I have called you several times and txt you a bunch all with no response.

U know that is true. U haven't responded to S (my sister) either. Left several

messages.

>

> Me: I just left S a message a few hours ago. I was busy when she called and I

talked to her yesterday. I called her back but she didn't answer. I don't know

what ur talking about.

>

> Me: U know what, I have too much to deal with to deal with this too. I hope

you enjoy being a victim.

>

> Dad: I left a lot of voice messages. You are trying to kill me with stress I

guess. You don't seem to care.

>

> Dad: U sure do well at it

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

if you look up the Karpman Drama Triangle, you will see it is classic victim

behavior. He is putting you in the persecutor corner, and you sister might be

his rescuer at this point, my sister usually comes in and does the rescuing

stuff. That is the main reason none of my siblings have relationships with each

other (aside from the fact that we are all very different from each other as

people).

I did not rebel as a teen either...I saw what my sister went through just trying

to be 'normal' as a teenager and decided just to not bother.

If you understand the Karpman drama triangle it helps a litle bit with knowing

what is going on, although it is still painful they do this. My mother can ONLY

relate this way, I have tried to communicate beyond this level with her and it

is IMPOSSIBLE. I think of them as having a core of shame that fills their being,

and trying desperately to get rid of it. They have trauma that is too painful

for them to confront (and can't bear the pain it would cause them to see the

perpetrators in a true light instead of the way they have convinced themselves,

like my dad claims to have had a " wonderful childhood " ) so the only way to get

rid of the core of shame is to be constantly trying to cast it onto someone else

and it's always someone with a blood or marriage tie because needless to say no

one else is going to stick around and put up with it.

That is very hurtful and abusive behavior. I don't think electronic devices are

necessarily supposed to bring more abuse into your life. Can you stop textimg

with him completely? And perhaps with your sister as well?

I know how much these accusations hurt, my mother pulls this crap any time she's

confronted.

>

>

> Thank you all for the support regarding my divorce. I really appreciate the

comments. Things are stressful, but going as smoothly as can be expected. We

are amicable.

>

> Now, I wanted to share something my father sent me. This started over me not

answering a text he sent yesterday asking me what I was doing. When I went back

and looked, he had sent the first text at 10:42 am and the next one came last

night around 10:30 pm. I had company in the morning when he text'd and planned

to answer it later, but forgot. Recently, I have had discussions over the fact

that he let my mother have free reign and did nothing to stop her emotional

abuse. He gets all defensive and blames me for it by saying that I was a

teenager and should have stood up to her. He actually had the audacity to tell

me I wasn't normal because I didn't rebel as a teenager. Ugh.

>

> Anyway, my therapist has thought for a long time that my dad was BPD too. I

think it's important to add that he and my sister were here last Friday,

Saturday, and Sunday and we got along fine. He has not left me voice mails and

we have had several texts going back and forth during this past week.

>

> This is word for word. I didn't change spellings or words around:

>

> Dad: Hey what are you doing today?

>

> Dad: Ok I get it. You have made it more than clear you want nothing to do with

me. I wont bother you any more. Im really sorry you feel that way. Even though

you hate me and hold me responsible for your problems, I will always love you no

matter what.

>

> Me: What r u talking about?

>

> Me: Why r u saying that? I never said anything like that.

>

> Dad: You didn't have to say it. Your actions prove it. You never respond to

calls or txt. You told me I was a bad dad and maybe I was but I tried to provide

for all of you.

>

> Me: When did I say that and u haven't called me.

>

> Dad: I have called you several times and txt you a bunch all with no response.

U know that is true. U haven't responded to S (my sister) either. Left several

messages.

>

> Me: I just left S a message a few hours ago. I was busy when she called and I

talked to her yesterday. I called her back but she didn't answer. I don't know

what ur talking about.

>

> Me: U know what, I have too much to deal with to deal with this too. I hope

you enjoy being a victim.

>

> Dad: I left a lot of voice messages. You are trying to kill me with stress I

guess. You don't seem to care.

>

> Dad: U sure do well at it

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ugh, I'm sure your red lights are going off right now. What a dialogue! This

sounds typical BP, " You hate me, but I love you. You make me so stressed. You

made me feel this way. You don't care... " etc etc blame, blame, blame. And all

over a late response to a text message!? I hate that the internet and cell

phones make everyone seem so " available. " It's like some people don't understand

that you don't always have to answer a text or a voicemail right away!!

Anyway...

Annie always puts it so well, I have to say I agree with her. It sounds like BP

traits because it is an overreaction to something minor. He's pushing the blame

of your nada's actions on you. He doesn't want to take any responsibility. Maybe

it's just dishrag characteristics...?

Either way, wow.

- Cvidz

>

>

> Thank you all for the support regarding my divorce. I really appreciate the

comments. Things are stressful, but going as smoothly as can be expected. We

are amicable.

>

> Now, I wanted to share something my father sent me. This started over me not

answering a text he sent yesterday asking me what I was doing. When I went back

and looked, he had sent the first text at 10:42 am and the next one came last

night around 10:30 pm. I had company in the morning when he text'd and planned

to answer it later, but forgot. Recently, I have had discussions over the fact

that he let my mother have free reign and did nothing to stop her emotional

abuse. He gets all defensive and blames me for it by saying that I was a

teenager and should have stood up to her. He actually had the audacity to tell

me I wasn't normal because I didn't rebel as a teenager. Ugh.

>

> Anyway, my therapist has thought for a long time that my dad was BPD too. I

think it's important to add that he and my sister were here last Friday,

Saturday, and Sunday and we got along fine. He has not left me voice mails and

we have had several texts going back and forth during this past week.

>

> This is word for word. I didn't change spellings or words around:

>

> Dad: Hey what are you doing today?

>

> Dad: Ok I get it. You have made it more than clear you want nothing to do with

me. I wont bother you any more. Im really sorry you feel that way. Even though

you hate me and hold me responsible for your problems, I will always love you no

matter what.

>

> Me: What r u talking about?

>

> Me: Why r u saying that? I never said anything like that.

>

> Dad: You didn't have to say it. Your actions prove it. You never respond to

calls or txt. You told me I was a bad dad and maybe I was but I tried to provide

for all of you.

>

> Me: When did I say that and u haven't called me.

>

> Dad: I have called you several times and txt you a bunch all with no response.

U know that is true. U haven't responded to S (my sister) either. Left several

messages.

>

> Me: I just left S a message a few hours ago. I was busy when she called and I

talked to her yesterday. I called her back but she didn't answer. I don't know

what ur talking about.

>

> Me: U know what, I have too much to deal with to deal with this too. I hope

you enjoy being a victim.

>

> Dad: I left a lot of voice messages. You are trying to kill me with stress I

guess. You don't seem to care.

>

> Dad: U sure do well at it

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

wow that 'i love you you hate me' sounds so much like my mother.

> >

> >

> > Thank you all for the support regarding my divorce. I really appreciate the

comments. Things are stressful, but going as smoothly as can be expected. We

are amicable.

> >

> > Now, I wanted to share something my father sent me. This started over me

not answering a text he sent yesterday asking me what I was doing. When I went

back and looked, he had sent the first text at 10:42 am and the next one came

last night around 10:30 pm. I had company in the morning when he text'd and

planned to answer it later, but forgot. Recently, I have had discussions over

the fact that he let my mother have free reign and did nothing to stop her

emotional abuse. He gets all defensive and blames me for it by saying that I

was a teenager and should have stood up to her. He actually had the audacity to

tell me I wasn't normal because I didn't rebel as a teenager. Ugh.

> >

> > Anyway, my therapist has thought for a long time that my dad was BPD too. I

think it's important to add that he and my sister were here last Friday,

Saturday, and Sunday and we got along fine. He has not left me voice mails and

we have had several texts going back and forth during this past week.

> >

> > This is word for word. I didn't change spellings or words around:

> >

> > Dad: Hey what are you doing today?

> >

> > Dad: Ok I get it. You have made it more than clear you want nothing to do

with me. I wont bother you any more. Im really sorry you feel that way. Even

though you hate me and hold me responsible for your problems, I will always love

you no matter what.

> >

> > Me: What r u talking about?

> >

> > Me: Why r u saying that? I never said anything like that.

> >

> > Dad: You didn't have to say it. Your actions prove it. You never respond to

calls or txt. You told me I was a bad dad and maybe I was but I tried to provide

for all of you.

> >

> > Me: When did I say that and u haven't called me.

> >

> > Dad: I have called you several times and txt you a bunch all with no

response. U know that is true. U haven't responded to S (my sister) either. Left

several messages.

> >

> > Me: I just left S a message a few hours ago. I was busy when she called and

I talked to her yesterday. I called her back but she didn't answer. I don't

know what ur talking about.

> >

> > Me: U know what, I have too much to deal with to deal with this too. I hope

you enjoy being a victim.

> >

> > Dad: I left a lot of voice messages. You are trying to kill me with stress I

guess. You don't seem to care.

> >

> > Dad: U sure do well at it

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >